Terrifying

So the other had this bf. I was knocked out for about 20 years. Which if you've been in and out the body then you know at first you got work everything out, how old are you, what generally have you been doing, what people are around you - everything.

So this bf says he's had this great love affair with me and I'm now just dead and crappy. "A ###$ up alter" those were his exact words. When I realised I might be here long term I tried to let him down gently (before he called me a f'd up alter). Then he starred going on about this love affair he had with me, this massive romance and how he's in love with me but I'm dead or some nonsense.

So I went along with it for a bit, even to the point where I thought "yeah I can be an ahole" plus I prefer women so it's all awkward and obviously I haven't had sex with him, he's upset about that etc

But then it turns out that he didn't actually like any part of me. He knows them but he didn't like any of them. There basically wasn't any love affair.

From what I can work out a part would switch in and try to carry on where another left off, normal for us, then he would find out who they are and discard them saying he doesn't like them etc Then by the time another alter switched in they do the same, try to continue life but have the same issue as the guy. Plus I can imagine them believing that the guy did love a different part and genuinely is upset and feeling bad about it.

I don't tend to feel bad so when he did his routine of "you're not the person I love" I thought tough, I can't do nothing about it, the others are all traumatized and barely contactable so you're stuck with me mate, like it or lump it. He's not lumping it very well and I started to ask him and ask internally who this guy was having a love affair with. Turned out none of them. He doesn't like any of them.

I find this really scary and creepy. Dunno what to do really other than stop talking to him and hope he goes away. I got a life to build here out of the wreakage of 1. Reporting parents to the police and getting nowhere with it 2. Not being able to go back to main employment for various reasons 3. Having basically no friends and alot of responsibility 4. Getting to DID specialist.

So I gotta do all that plus deal with this creepy guy who claims to of had this massive love affair but it turns out there wasn't one.

It is actually terrifying when I think about it. Someone claiming to of had a love affair with one of your alters but when you look into it a tiny bit he didn't like any of them and as far as I can tell the "love affair" was each one of them trying to make the best of it being with this guy and then he'd discard them saying they weren't who he fell in love with. Really frightening.

No-one

Hi No-one.

That really is scary and I hope you can safely get away from this guy.

He sounds creepy, manipulative, and dangerous.

I'm sorry you're in this spot but hopefully now that you you know, you and the others can work together to get yourselves out and into a safer situation.

V1

Amythyst wrote:Hi No-one.

That really is scary and I hope you can safely get away from this guy.

He sounds creepy, manipulative, and dangerous.

I'm sorry you're in this spot but hopefully now that you you know, you and the others can work together to get yourselves out and into a safer situation.

V1

Really really creepy.

I was chatting on the ASPD forum again and there's this guy who goes on about Jealousy.

So I googled about it. And I came across this phrase "mimitec contagion of jealousy"

Which means you immitate the disease of jealousy.

So I now think he is using a very basic psychology. He tells each alter "it's not you I'm in love with" they strive for his love and Jealousy is mimicked. But obviously I'm a lesbian so it didn't pan out. And then I looked into it and he has no like of any part apparently let alone love.

He found a way to control a DID system by basic psychological control methods. Usually this type of control is by using a third party. He's using us to try to turn us against eachother. The thing is, other than me and Paul none of them have a bad streak in them. So they felt sorry for him, tried to be the best gf they could and he exploited that whilst at the same time making them feel bad for them not being his "true love" It's so basic I'm mildly irritated that they all took his word they weren't his true love and believed another alter was. Now they're sorry. I nearly fell for it myself. Paul fell for it but he was preoccupied and doesn't really care about individual well being, he cares about overall life quality.

When I realised I could be here a while and basically I might "have to have" sex with this guy to maintain life continuity I had to look into it more. So that's probably the only reason I looked into it, sex with a man or the idea that the body I'm in has had sex with a man is gross to me, I don't usually have to think about it but this was becoming an ongoing issue.

I can't believe anyone would do this - pretend they have a love affair with another alter. No wonder they were switching in and out erratically and co fronting and trying to work out who this guy loved. Asking eachother would of been far too simple, they just kept assuming it wasn't them so it must be... I knew it wasn't Beth and it didn't take long to work out none of them had a romance with him. They did stuff, romantic stuff, that I guess was also causing confusion because different memories and they're doing romantic things but ask any of them and they say "no he didn't like me. He told me and he knew who I was"

I don't know what is aim or angle is in this. He seems like "I really love you. I just want you to be better. I love every part of you" except he didn't like me, I said it's because I won't have sex with him which he denied but I know he's been most horrible to me - saying I'm evil and to go back to the abyss I came from and really nasty stuff. I can be accidentally annoying and I find things funny that I shouldn't but I missed 20 years. I was last 19. And from what the first psychiatrist we saw then said I have the mind of a 15 year old and I'm stuck like it so who knows if I am actually mentally 15 and stuck or not, i want a second opinion for myself personally on that now but I know I can't have passed age 19 mentally because I haven't been awake.

Also at 15 I was capable of doing most life stuff, had to look after 3 kids all day and cook for them, had a job, cleaned all my mum's house - so if I am stuck at age 15 then it's not that detrimental to overall life.

I got distracted. This guy. I dunno what his aim or game is but I don't think it's good.

Also technically he's picking on a 19 year old who possibly has the mentality of a 15 year old. What a twat.

What am I supposed to do?

Paul is kind of waving dismissively at me. I can't tell if he's laughing of having another heart attack. I don't want to call the police, I think I'm in trouble (I was always in trouble but I guess I'm not in trouble right now).

I suddenly have this massive sense that I'm incredibly vulnerable. I don't know what to do without someone, one of the others telling me what to do about it and they're all so wrapped in the trauma memories Paul let loose. I don't really care about them, it's a tell me something I don't know situation for me with that. But I have zero reference on what I'm supposed to do about this guy.

I think definitely stay away from him but who do I get help from. I don't have family who can help. I don't have alters for advice. I don't have friends, they had no friends, they have sort of friends but I don't know them. Anyone I knew from years ago they didn't keep contact with but they were all druggies and stuff anyway and even if they're changed from growing up I can't contact any of them after 20 years.

I'm worried if I fall on police or social services or a psychiatrist it'll mess up the life the others made - which is actually ok, sensible and reasonably safe and secure as long as I pay the bills and don't do anything stupid. I just stay in and watch TV so it's safe in that way. I dunno what a 39year old woman is supposed to do for fun. I wish Paul had been here a bit longer to make more of a routine with some activities. But he's just looking at me blankly now.

He was doing stuff. I have to do that stuff. He's telling me the connections he made and the activities. I know I have to get a part time shop job and quit the job I'm in because I can't do it. That's ok but it's not that easy but I can do it. I got a job before.

I just feel really vulnerable now, knowing there's this scary guy and I dunno how I'm supposed to deal with it. I don't think anyone will listen if I say "he's been manipulating my alters and now I'm basically alone and I have no reference of what to do. Getting used to life is hard enough let alone deal with a creepy strange man" that sounds insane, it's true but it sounds insane. I dunno how I'm supposed to deal with this.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2019 2:36 pm --

Internally I'm different to this. But I feel like I've lost that now. Body amnesia Paul calls it. He gets progressively nastier in the body. It seems like I get progressively more unsure of myself. Maybe I need to connect with how I was internally but I don't think that'd help either. I'm just gonna keep winging it, winging it and panicking. Not panic attack just a basic wtf am I gonna do panic.

I'm trying to work out what went on with this guy.

So the very start: the twins in their infinite wisdom (that's sarcasm) decided Mandy (who is 5) needed an external father type figure around.

The guy mostly saw Mandy Rose and Karen. Rose did grown up romantic stuff with him. Karen had sex with him. And Mandy got babied. He did her coat up, wiped her if she got stuff down herself. He bought a giant teddy but accidentally gave it to Rose and Rose cried because she thought "Mandy will love this" That was all before he knew about the DID. Nobody in this system is big on bringing it up and it usually doesn't matter because people don't notice.

Then he started to argue with Rose. That's ok until the point where Rose gets upset because then you just end up arguing with Patrick. It doesn't bother Rose because she can duck out and Patrick is usually drunk and doesn't mind arguing although apparently he cleaned up his act because the twins for once let him get a job and he was ok at it. Anyway so Patrick took over the argument and I'm guessing he was sober if he'd cleaned himself up because of work and a sober Patrick literally can't be bothered to argue especially as Roses arguments are usually things like "you didn't help clean up" Patrick will just clean up and that's enough to shut Rose up. But the guy noticed the switch on some level because he said "I feel like I'm not arguing with you anymore. I'm arguing with your husband" and after a couple of times of that happening they admitted the DID to the guy.

And the relationship went down hill from there. Not only did the relationship go down hill but they woke the twins up, the overlord then got curious and they'd buried me in silent lake years ago AND forgotten about me which is absolutely charming, not, but I'll let them off because they all been through loads same as me. So when the overlord came into the body it gave a reminder or opening for them to find me. And now I'm here dealing with some creepy man who basically was supposed to stay at what I'm calling level 1. He was supposed to just do romantic stuff with Rose, have sex with Karen and baby Mandy. He wasn't supposed to go further than that.

Its very creepy what he done after that point. And I don't know why the twins allowed it.

They thought it was helpful. Despite now being here because of it all I do not think it was helpful. They were all fine as they were, basically happy and now everything is chaos. I feel better to know some kind of outline to wtf happened and why there's a creepy guy who hates me because I won't have sex with him - he says it's not that but he's been really really mean to me and I'm not that horrible of a person. So he's a creepy sex obsessed man, like all men (sorry not all men I'm sure). It's just very scary that he proffessed to love an alter and turns out he told all of them he doesn't like them. I dunno "he's weird creepy and terrifying" seems the only explanation.

No-one

The creepy weirdo is trying to blame anything and everything on me now. Dunno if he did this with the others or if they accepted his blame game where nothing his his fault. But he's not putting any blame on me.

He's definitely a creepy weirdo with some kind of agenda. I got no money so it's not that. They keep saying to me internally it has to be power and control but they done loads of courses so they think everything is power and control. He has some kind of angle or he is as I have concluded a creepy weirdo.

No-one

Hi No one,

I think this guy is contributing to a hostile environment for you which is very unhealthy for your system. Perhaps you are now hosting because you have the capacity to recognise this and help your system remove itself from the influence of this manipulative creep. What you have done, is taking steps to taking back control and perhaps it's small and unsure steps but it is surely towards positivity. So have a little faith in yourself even if you feel you are navigating in the dark. It is easy to be lured back into that creep when you feel alone and vulnerable and unsure. Stay safe and positive

AmmeSO wrote:Hi No one,

I think this guy is contributing to a hostile environment for you which is very unhealthy for your system. Perhaps you are now hosting because you have the capacity to recognise this and help your system remove itself from the influence of this manipulative creep. What you have done, is taking steps to taking back control and perhaps it's small and unsure steps but it is surely towards positivity. So have a little faith in yourself even if you feel you are navigating in the dark. It is easy to be lured back into that creep when you feel alone and vulnerable and unsure. Stay safe and positive

He is making my environment hostile. I did believe maybe the others found him reassuring but I think that's a lie now too.

There's a few reasons why none of them will come forward and be in the body at the moment. I'm lucky to have Paul sort of about even if it's in an incapacitated form and not in the body.

Even without this guy about they won't come back, I think, because of the parents still being around. They are at a distance but around. Like yesterday they sent a cuddly toy in the post, a really small one, addressed to my two middle children to share.

I found it creepy, they're teenagers and it wasn't addressed to the youngest at all. So I asked the kids what it was about. Apparently it's a replica of one in my mum's house. I find it creepy on a few levels. Why post it, she could hand it to them when they see her. They see her about once a month. The others minimised contact a long while ago but tried to make it so the children had an "illusion of ok grandparents" so they feel ok about themselves and where they come from. It's a nice idea but dangerous. My parents are manipulative. Sure they can't abuse my kids because they don't have enough contact. The eldest, he's nearly 20, had the most contact with the parents before any of them realised how poisonous they are and he's had the most struggles - illegal behaviour like I had, anger issues, nearly excluded from school countless times but he made it through and he works and is ok now but still emotionally not the most stable. So the difference even shows with him of the effect too much being around my parents can have.

So I found this toy sent in the post creepy. Some of the others would of had a melt down and I think the mood Paul is in he would of shredded it and left it on my mother's doorstep. So it was better it was just me saying "what's that all about" than someone who just cried or had a rage attack.

They are not coping with anything at the moment.

That's the other thing I found out because of the teddy. When the kids started explaining about the teddy i got told (internally) that about 6 or 7 years ago somebody was sitting in a park with my mum and my sister and my mother asked "you have so many diagnosis what do you think is wrong with you" (what a cheek I could punch her) anyway apparently they didn't take it like that and told her about dissociative disorder and having parts. After that she started randomly changing her clothes in the middle of the day and now she has a teddy - I know she's gonna feign DID if the $#%^ hits the fan. I hate her. She's a piss taking bitch.

Anyway there's loads the others can't cope with at the moment. Not just this creepy guy.

Thanks for saying I am doing something positive. A bit of encouragement goes a long way.

Thanks, No-one

Hi No one,

It feels like you have a bad feeling and you know they don't mean well, but the bad intention to control is hidden in a innocent parcel.

AmmeSO wrote:Hi No one,

It feels like you have a bad feeling and you know they don't mean well, but the bad intention to control is hidden in a innocent parcel.

It's basically like sticking a splinter into my life. A little prod to say "still here, not going anything, can do what I like and I'll make it triggering as f" But things like this have never held any real meaning or feeling to me because I can usually just retreat internally away from it and the next person won't even necessarily be aware of it.

It's triggering because this teddy is like my eldest sons favourite teddy, I know this but it has no emotional connection for me because I wasn't around. Someone said "it's like our eldest sons teddy" It's also triggering because I was made to throw away my teddies and now I have loads that i bought, loads.

So it feels like it's supposed to trigger anxiety that maybe my mother (as well as her brother) abused my eldest son as a small child. My memories were locked from parts then so he would stay with her every other weekend. That stopped when he was about 3 or 4 because her behaviour at that time was enough to make other parts realise "this woman is not a normal grandmother" she was very cold to our son, got very controlling and tried to use him to control me, a solicitor had to be involved eventually. But the idiots (other parts of me) just minimised contact instead of getting her away from us then. I think they were frightened of having no family at all and also felt this kind of guilt "she's our mother" guilt, like they had to love her and have her in the life.

I wonder now if they buried me 20 years ago not because I was liability in life (I liked to dodgy stuff and smoke weed) but because I would not of tolerated anything they have tolerated over the last 20 years from these sick twisted people who didn't deserve kids. I can't fully blame other parts of myself, they didn't have all the information available to them and they don't have the sort of simplicitic view I have of "I'd rather starve than have anything to do with my parents" Now I don't know if I'd starve, I'd probably rather go to jail because it wasn't enough for them to mess me up, they continued with it and if the others hadn't at minimised the contact with the younger children then all my children would have issues. It's bad enough the eldest has issues. And they are still continuing with it. Even with just this teddy in the post.

But I don't let things like that get to me. I'm not big on any kind of weakness. I am more upset about the state of the inner world at the moment.

Thanks for replying. It's nice to feel heard.