Question from an hold hand

Hi all, I now consider myself to be an old hand at this DID business but am still learning. One of the issues of having only my T aware of the diagnosis is that I only have one other set of eyes to see my DID through.
This has now changed as i have a support worker coming to see me. She came last week and mentioned that at lunchtime she thought i might have switched but she wasn’t sure. She then commented that i must know my DID well by now, so what did i think?
Well....good question. I remembered it and i remembered feeling different, but not that different. I knew i was being stroppy and i did think to myself that i was feeling less scared and teenager like but it didn’t occur to me that i had switched.
I have classed switching, for me, as when i lose time because someone else came out and i disappeared, or when a really strong one comes out and i am fully aware but also aware i am in passenger seat with limited control (if any) of what is happening. There are also times where it’s a bit more in the middle.
The occasion observed with the support worker doesn’t fit into these categories. I thought it was me, but definitely feeling different. It happens at work sometimes when my work part feels she has got diverted and becomes silly and tells inappropriate jokes or makes disclosures which she wouldn’t ordinarily have done. Again, she feels different but feels its her.
Any thoughts on if this is switching or if its just a healthy show of a different side of me, like other people without DID do?

I don't know. We sometimes have things happen that we would consider being co-present, somehow sharing the driver seat. and the more we practice with blending the more it seems like the borders can sometimes not be as strong as they used to, so we aren't really sure anymore who is really fronting, we see signs of more than one part. we think it is a success in living more integrated and less dissociated. but we wouldn't swear on knowing what is really happening.

We would consider whether it could be passive influence from another part.

Hey Jolly jo,

We've had some similar stuff I think? Like eg. V1 will be fronting, and maybe she can tell I'm close or whatever, maybe not, but it's definitely her. And then she's still sure its her but she starts maybe doing something I'm into, or thinking something that's more like my thoughts?

I think it might be a kind of like, blurring or blending? Like if two parts are really close together at front, then maybe things can kinda overlap a bit, the edges get fuzzy and its less clear who's who.

Sometimes it goes back to normal and its like just her and her thoughts and stuff, but sometimes its the other way around and I end up fronting by myself. Then its more like a really really slow switch I guess.

Viola

I would call it switching but also not like you say a big switch were you loose time or total sense of self. For me this happens all of the time and makes that "I" still dont know "who I am" most of the time. Its like "we" have a couple of outsiders who handle the daily life and switch and blend and blur an co con and whatever and its really hard to keep up with who fronts because most of the time its so fluid. Its when it gets stuck I feel dissociated, but most of the time there will be a problem on the inside that needs adressing.
I would like to know how others see this though and maybe how they manage to learn to keep their parts apart.

We also have very fluid switching most of the time, and I probably also don't pay as much attention to it as I should. I know there are times when I'll go from being the one talking to having a sense that I've moved a bit "to the back" and I'm listening to "myself" talk--but the one talking is more childlike (or childish, at times), or abrupt, or matter-of-fact, or something different from how I think of myself.

It's kind of like we have a surface that always looks pretty much the same, and different parts "swim forward" to it at different times. I don't have switches where I lose time, but I definitely have times when I don't know who I am--like a "who am I and what am I doing here in this life?" kind of feeling.

Thanks everyone. Its really useful having your perspectives and that if this is DID it is an experience some of us share.
I have also realised that i have a conversation going on in my head where I am thinking about what happens if i have to cook the support worker lunch again. Its not a nice conversation...
I don’t think its me...it could be the really angry one that comes out to protect me...or it could be one i have not been particularly aware of because it doesn’t entrirely take over in the way some others do.

It makes me wonder how much more i have been taking as ‘normal’ but which is actually DID.

Jolly jo wrote:It makes me wonder how much more i have been taking as ‘normal’ but which is actually DID.

I feel the same about a LOT of things - not only with DID but other stuff also (being autistic, depressive, etc.).

--Zami--

//regarding switching now, we do tend to blend most of the time, when it is only about doing everyday chores, but it is possible to tell who is here though by specific mannierisms. but nobody outside seems to have picked up the clues. which is good for privacy. but can feel... a bit frustrating at times.//

//Ulysses//