Situation in therapy today alters versus parts

Thanks, guys. I know she didnt say that, that is just me explaining I feel like a liar. I know AllCoulors did not say that. What concerns me about the orange juice thing was that it didn't sound like a little. My littles just sound like thoughts but they sound like me but in a child like voice. This just seemed like illogical thinking which puts on guard that at any moment I could lose my mind and be in the hospital again. I was in a state hospital for 8 months and do not want to go back. I was totally conscious the whole time. I had the thought I want a pop tart. Then I was like I'm going go get an orange juice too. I was totally aware that I was thinking something that didnt make sense because I only had enough money to get the poptart and I was totally aware that I was entertaining that thought that didn't make sense yet I still did it. Thats why its scary to me.

Rive wrote:Thanks, guys. I know she didnt say that, that is just me explaining I feel like a liar. I know AllCoulors did not say that. What concerns me about the orange juice thing was that it didn't sound like a little. My littles just sound like thoughts but they sound like me but in a child like voice. This just seemed like illogical thinking which puts on guard that at any moment I could lose my mind and be in the hospital again. I was in a state hospital for 8 months and do not want to go back. I was totally conscious the whole time. I had the thought I want a pop tart. Then I was like I'm going go get an orange juice too. I was totally aware that I was thinking something that didnt make sense because I only had enough money to get the poptart and I was totally aware that I was entertaining that thought that didn't make sense yet I still did it. Thats why its scary to me.

I had "when did I get in the car" earlier so I explained and that was that. I dunno who it was or if it was a thought or a part. I don't worry about it. I deal with it like it could be either but reply just the same. "I went to the shop and now I'm on my way back"

It doesn't necessarily mean you're on the way to psychiatric hospital because you thought or a part thought about buying an orange juice you couldn't afford.

It is just so bizarre to me I can't not be afraid.

Rive wrote:It is just so bizarre to me I can't not be afraid.

How old were you when you first ever had a thought like these?

I've only been getting thoughts like these since I have been aware of my DID. So for 6 months. I'm 43.

Rive wrote:I've only been getting thoughts like these since I have been aware of my DID. So for 6 months. I'm 43.

Ok. When I realised I had different parts of myself just over ten years ago in psychotherapy I then explored my teenage years mostly and realised I'd always lost time because I'd basically lived a couple of seperate lives. Before that I had two very seperate running accounts of my teenage years and only in therapy I managed to see how and why they were there. I only delved into one repressed incident of childhood trauma and didn't want to go any further with it, I thought it would be enough and that if I "alogned" the different parts of myself that'd be enough. It did improve my life alot, I achieved goals and had seven years without a hospital admission or meds. (Then I went on holiday with my mother and after less than a week landed in psychiatric hospital again and realised I needed to do more work on myself but because I have children opted to take meds for a year) blah blah - sorry I'm going into too much detail, what I wanted to say is:

When I realized I lost time and had these different lives that were seperate and not known to either parts of me I then started doing what you're doing, listening to bits of myself I otherwise block out, put down to being my own thoughts and write off as nonsense. When I did this very slowly as I tried to align aspects of my life I got to know parts and their names. This opens up access to alot more memory. It's now "common" knowledge in my system that Beth first met Karen or became aware of her in primary school when playing with another girl called Karen and Karen said "we're not playing with her, that's my name" and a friendship started between Beth and Karen (the alters, not the outside person because we did stop being friends with her, Karen did grow out of that).

So when you're saying you're just hearing them now do not be surprised that as you get to know parts of yourself and memories open you realise you heard them earlier. It's very possible, it may not happen like that for you but be prepared for it.

When I remember the primary school play ground I only ever see it as if I'm watching it, watching myself. Like a window into their memory because Beth and Karen remember it as if they were there, from the perspective they were in and not as if watching it.

How much of the events of childhood and Teenage years do you talk about in therapy? That's what opened up the doors between parts of myself.

-- Fri Oct 18, 2019 3:08 pm --

Sarandipity wrote:

Rive wrote:I've only been getting thoughts like these since I have been aware of my DID. So for 6 months. I'm 43.

Ok. When I realised I had different parts of myself just over ten years ago in psychotherapy I then explored my teenage years mostly and realised I'd always lost time because I'd basically lived a couple of seperate lives. Before that I had two very seperate running accounts of my teenage years and only in therapy I managed to see how and why they were there. I only delved into one repressed incident of childhood trauma and didn't want to go any further with it, I thought it would be enough and that if I "aligned" the different parts of myself that'd be enough. It did improve my life alot, I achieved goals and had seven years without a hospital admission or meds. (Then I went on holiday with my mother and after less than a week landed in psychiatric hospital again and realised I needed to do more work on myself but because I have children opted to take meds for a year) blah blah - sorry I'm going into too much detail, what I wanted to say is:

When I realized I lost time and had these different lives that were seperate and not known to either parts of me I then started doing what you're doing, listening to bits of myself I otherwise block out, put down to being my own thoughts and write off as nonsense. When I did this very slowly as I tried to align aspects of my life I got to know parts and their names. This opens up access to alot more memory. It's now "common" knowledge in my system that Beth first met Karen or became aware of her in primary school when playing with another girl called Karen and Karen said "we're not playing with her, that's my name" and a friendship started between Beth and Karen (the alters, not the outside person because we did stop being friends with her, Karen did grow out of that).

So when you're saying you're just hearing them now do not be surprised that as you get to know parts of yourself and memories open you realise you heard them earlier. It's very possible, it may not happen like that for you but be prepared for it.

When I remember the primary school play ground I only ever see it as if I'm watching it, watching myself. Like a window into their memory because Beth and Karen remember it as if they were there, from the perspective they were in and not as if watching it.

How much of the events of childhood and Teenage years do you talk about in therapy? That's what opened up the doors between parts of myself.

******( Trigger Warning, talk of sexual abuse)*****Yeah, I realized I have alot of time missing than I thought. I dont remember any of my birthdays except my 14th. Me and my mom where struggling with each other because I choose to be mute. That's the only reason I remember that one. Hardly any memories before 8. My mom told my counselor that at Daycare a group of kids stole my clothes and I was naked. I have no memory of that. One of my little alters said to me last night "My, Mommy touched me". I dont know if I should believe it.

We try to think of it as a family. At the vending machine, each family member *wants*. Adults know there are limits like money on hand. May even be diet restraints. Compromise. One selects this time. Other gets next choice, i.e. Or gets orange juice at the next grocery store trip.

We're of several religions also. Only rule...we all have to be able to attend without being offended. When one religion spoke in a derogatory manner of the other to the point an insider felt devalued, we left. They all know every church thinks they're the best. May disagree on dogma, philosophy that's ok as long as they are accepting...not agreeing, accepting. Think, it's a holiday. Could whole outside family attend service without being bullied, belittled?

Gifts to our therapist are worked out between insider & therapist. One insider draws pictures. T usually takes advantage of it as an educational opportunity for that one. Our rock collector has revealed lots in talking about a particular find. She wouldn't just sit and talk about an issue.
Explain what the red rock reminds her of, how she feels about it, may take the entire session.

Thank you. Should I trust my child alter that said My Mommy touched me? The reason I asked is because my therapist had suggested that about a year ago. She apologized for putting that in my head last session. Even though I had suspected it before she ever mentioned. So maybe it was just something in my head not an alter but it was a childlike sounding thought.

Rive wrote:Thank you. Should I trust my child alter that said My Mommy touched me? The reason I asked is because my therapist had suggested that about a year ago. She apologized for putting that in my head last session. Even though I had suspected it before she ever mentioned. So maybe it was just something in my head not an alter but it was a childlike sounding thought.

I think that's a really difficult question only you can answer. Sometimes it's easy to get confused about the context of random statements.

For us when "No-one" came back she knew a specific insident during teenage years that we knew the start and end of but she filled in the middle.

With stuff that happened as a child it got floody for a while. Got flooded by traumatized fragments. It was about discussing amoungst ourselves what the fragments were saying and seeing if they fitted with already known memory like they did with No-one's filling in a gap.

They did. We're just trying to accept that at the moment and that's why I think it's mainly me here because I have lack of emotions which means I can do daily life while they're internal doing whatever they're doing - which they better be doing something because I'm working my ass off out here.

So you need to answer that one yourself. Nobody can answer it for you unfortunately.

Which parts have gone through that - wanting the abusers to come and admit what they did so where not left with questions and self doubt. When I realized they had this wish I had to kind of give them all a shake, abusers are not going to come around and say "I did this and I shouldn't" because they are sick disturbed people who somehow live with themselves. If it was me I wouldn't live with myself purely on the principal, I would not be here. But we're talking about truly sick people so they're never going to come forward and admit anything. You have to work it out for yourself unfortunately and that is hard, and not fair and we don't deserve to be left with this.

Paul