Situation in therapy today alters versus parts

I'm still so confused about what parts and alters are. I know you guys are tired of that. I am very attached to my therapist. I know that she has grandkids and kids and I am not an important part of her life. I also want some kind of bond with her. I dont know if that comes from alters or a part of me that really just wants a mom. Today I had the thought of giving her a little pine cone I got from outside her office. I wanted the littles to give it to her. There was some flip flop about whether I should give it to her or not. Thinking it was stupid but really wanting to give it to her. A little did not take over my body and place it at her office door. So is that just a child part of me. An alter, what?

Also, about non logical thoughts. I hate it when weird sh*t like this happens to me. So I was thinking about getting a pop tart in the morning. I have 1 dollar. Then I was talking to myself and said maybe I will get an orange juice but I knew I couldn't because.I just have one dollar. Sh*t like this makes me think I will end up in the State hospital again.

Parts and alters are pretty much the same thing. Before I knew about DID as a disorder or any of the terminology I would say "a part of me wants to...But a part of me wants to...And another part of me wants to..." It's not usual indecisiveness because it was completely contradictory things, beliefs, dreams, goals etc. And it was basic things down to "I hate mustard" "I love mustard" So when I got called out on that once by my husband I said "sometimes a part of me likes mustard and sometimes another part of me hates mustard. Is that ok with you?" (I have always agressively hated anyone pointing out inconsistencies that other people don't have.

But to me part was a word I used before knowing about DID and the terminology.

Paul

Rive wrote:I'm still so confused about what parts and alters are. I know you guys are tired of that. I am very attached to my therapist. I know that she has grandkids and kids and I am not an important part of her life. I also want some kind of bond with her. I dont know if that comes from alters or a part of me that really just wants a mom. Today I had the thought of giving her a little pine cone I got from outside her office. I wanted the littles to give it to her. There was some flip flop about whether I should give it to her or not. Thinking it was stupid but really wanting to give it to her. A little did not take over my body and place it at her office door. So is that just a child part of me. An alter, what?

It doesn't matter. Read that again--It doesn't matter. You will know more about whether these feelings are dissociated or not, and how dissociated they might be, as you go along. But these are feelings that exist somewhere inside you and they need to be listened to and honored. You don't have to act on every feeling, but it's important to notice them, feel them, and then make decisions based on taking all the feelings and thoughts into account as much as possible.

I totally agree with Gang. Yesterday when I went to our T I brought up the whole parts, alters, and sub-personalities. I was so confused and the denial was kicked up. She looked at me and said, "none of the terminology matters as long as you continue to do the work." Going into the terminology and such for me is a distraction and makes it easy to deny all of it.

Here is what I see as the work for our system: My focus for now is getting better communication and trying to stay stable. I cannot do that when I question the stuff I don't understand. In time all that other stuff will either fall into how I understand our system or it won't. In the meantime I keep journaling. Keep listening. Keep doing my detective work of trying to hear and feel the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations of the others. Along with differentiating trauma time from the present.

Maybe that would help you?

It's just that we had just talked about not being a liar and then I put a pine cone in front of her door that might of not been from the littles. I told her it was. Maybe it was just me wanting to give her a pine cone.

Also with these illogical thoughts I fear I am losing my mind. I wanted the pop tart. Knew I didn't have money to buy a orange juice too but still was talking to myself about buying the orange juice. Then later that night I was thinking about calling someone but it was late so I didn't. Inside my head a snarky comment popped up I didn't call her but logically I already knew that. I thought about what my Psychologist said about leakage and alters emotions, thoughts, feelings etc. bleeding through. I mentioned maybe that , that is whats going on with me to my therapist. My therapist said she was thinking leakage. I feel I put that in her head and she doesn't even know what that is. Maybe I am just going crazy.

I think both is true for your system and what is also being sad, its the feelings that you have to work with.
Why didnt you say that you wanted to give her the pine cone but also felt a little ashamed about it and worked with that. All parts are you in the end so sometimes its not neccesary to know exactly who wants what of who feels what but you work with what is there at that moment. And then your also not lying and dont have to worry about that.
When children dont get a healthy attachment its normal for them as grown ups to have the feelings you describe for your therapist. (tranference) So it can be both you and a child part that wanted to give the cone and you feeling the shame about it? You as the adult need to set boudries for yourself and also your littles in this matter and talk to your T about it.

Normal people can have very contradicting feelings or needs and wants to, so wanting 2 things with just one dollar does not sound that strange to me. Its a problem when its parts and they /you are getting in an argument about it or get blocked because you cant decide anymore.
I dont think your going crazy, just getting to know yourself more

I think what Allcolours said about its not always important to know "who said what and wants what" That's really important because that is a pressure.

When we were working on the "problem" of religion I went to church, went to a wiccan group, got to know Muslims, read alot of other books about various religions most people haven't even heard of. At the time I couldn't of told you who went to church and who met with Muslims and who met with witches and who was reading all the other options because each part was quite private about it. There was written arguments between them, differing views. Allowing everyone to do there own thing allowed expression of it and eventual compromise - we found a meal blessing that thanks the earth, we can go to church at special occasions (which is all alot of people do anyway), if a part feels some kind of wiccan blessing is needed they do it and if a part wants to pray they do.

Because of those three years "exploring religion" I can say Rose is our Christian, Karen is our witch, Beth is generally spiritual and the twins did alot of reading and an ancient Hawaiian religion is their favourite Kuaanaism (dunno if I spelt that right) and the twins did alot of mediating and negotiation because they basically are atheist but respect religion and even got a favourite out of the whole investigation. But like I said I couldn't of told you that at the time.

There were some really awkward moments with it, the worst being when Rose went to a church group and agreed celebrating Halloween was wrong and then Karen bumped into the vicars wife whilst buying Halloween decorations. She was completely oblivious, had no knowledge of the church meeting and chatted normally. It was when we got home pieces started to fall into place and then we were overall incredibly embarrassed. But with (Paul and the twins which again I wouldn't know it was them back then, it would of just been a thought) thinking "f that vicars wife. We'll do what we want" everyone survived.

Then we had a sort of psychotic break (but didn't end up in hospital, we rode it out) over the whole thing and it was like seeing all religious leaders and God's and chatting to them - which i put down to the twins ability to create delusions. Also we had a dream where Jesus was telling Jews we could worship a Goddess if we wanted to (we read the Kabahalla). And a system compromise was devised. And we live, I guess, spiritually. If I'd of been focused on who was doing what I wouldn't have focused on the issue and I wouldn't have got to know parts better either.

Even now sometimes it's a "best guess" I'll remember something and think "who did that" and not know, not get an answer and I'll best guess by knowing characteristics and who likes what etc.

I've looked at myself as "I have to get to know myself" the same as anyone else. It's meant I've had to get to know alot of selves so it's harder and longer and i have only scrapped the surface with trauma - that's a whole getting to know that I guess I'm leaving till last to off load on a poor therapist but so far the "getting to know" has helped tons.

So give yourself a break and get to know yourself without pressure.

Thanks guys. I will try to explain what happened with the orange juice again and why it concerns me. I literally had one dollar to my name last night. I thought well I am going to get a pop tart. Which costs a dollar in the vending machine. I also was thinking to myself I will also get an orange juice which is 1.50 that I did not have. So why did I even entertain that thought. It was illogical two think I could get both but in my head I was thinking away about how I would get an orange juice too. Stuff like that really freaks me out and makes me think I'm losing my mind. AllCoulors yes I guess I should have said that I just wanted to leave the pine cone and not my littles. I'm a big fat liar!

Rive wrote:Thanks guys. I will try to explain what happened with the orange juice again and why it concerns me. I literally had one dollar to my name last night. I thought well I am going to get a pop tart. Which costs a dollar in the vending machine. I also was thinking to myself I will also get an orange juice which is 1.50 that I did not have. So why did I even entertain that thought. It was illogical two think I could get both but in my head I was thinking away about how I would get an orange juice too. Stuff like that really freaks me out and makes me think I'm losing my mind. AllCoulors yes I guess I should have said that I just wanted to leave the pine cone and not my littles. I'm a big fat liar!

She didn't say that!!! Re-read.

Some parts are really good at money, some are crap. Today at the shops Lilly would have blown our last dime on crap not because she doesn't care, partially because she doesn't care, but mostly because she has zero concept of bills and responsibilities. I let her buy some sensible shoes because she was right the shoes I have are mank and I insist on wearing them and if I didn't she will start wearing heels - she'll wear diamonte heels to the supermarket "people don't know where I might be going" is her favourite excuse so I bought the shoes - that saved alot of other buying and I let her put make-up on even though it's a waste of time - compromise.

So a part of you has no concept of money - been there my friend - to the point of thinking I could just travel on trains for free (Lilly)

It's ok, a part of you thought you could buy juice, you knew you couldn't. Explain that to yourself (the part of you that thinks you could) and move on. Paul

-- Thu Oct 17, 2019 12:15 am --

Confessions of a money ignorant alter:

Spent all my money clubbing. Phoned my cousin to give me a ride, he didn't pick up. Lied to a cab driver saying I was pregnant but he took me to the wrong hospital (not near home) but he didn't charge me for the cab. Carried on my lie at the hospital. Started to panic about having to walk 10miles home. Paul (alter) showed up, saw a chance to get arrested - at least can sleep in s cell. Carried on the pregnant lie with the police, saw a doctor, said "I'm mentally ill" no police charges and taken to the mental hospital (which was in walking distance of home ) It took Paul 2 hours to talk his way out of the mental hospital - told the truth "no money, did what I had to do" Walked home.

Teach your alters about money don't worry about why they don't know about it, learning about it is more important. Lilly.

Rive wrote:Thanks guys. I will try to explain what happened with the orange juice again and why it concerns me. I literally had one dollar to my name last night. I thought well I am going to get a pop tart. Which costs a dollar in the vending machine. I also was thinking to myself I will also get an orange juice which is 1.50 that I did not have. So why did I even entertain that thought. It was illogical two think I could get both but in my head I was thinking away about how I would get an orange juice too.

If this were me and my system we were talking about, it would be obvious to me that it was a child having that thought who didn't understand about money and how much things cost. I would have to explain to them that we didn't have enough to buy orange juice, and I would say that I could hear that maybe they wanted orange juice right now, but we would have to wait until we had $1.50, which is a dollar plus another half of a dollar.

I would say to them that right now we only have a dollar and that's enough to buy a pop tart. If I was open to buying something else, I might list the other things that we could buy with a dollar instead, but if not, I'd say, "we're buying a pop tart now, but next time we have money for the vending machine, let's decide together what we're going to get."

It wouldn't concern me, because why should all the other parts know how much orange juice costs, especially if they're very young?

Rive wrote:yes I guess I should have said that I just wanted to leave the pine cone and not my littles. I'm a big fat liar!

Well, no, because you weren't sure where the feeling was coming from. It's ok not to know the answer. My T has to reassure me all the time that if I tell him something and then later it turns out to be wrong, I can just tell him the new thing I figured out, and he'll throw out the old one--poof, just like that. I don't understand at all why it makes you a liar if you don't KNOW what's going on. You're just figuring this stuff out. Maybe the feeling is coming from you AND the littles--who knows? And why does it matter?? It's all part of your system whether it's you or them. Someone in there wanted to give her a pine cone. How nice!

My T loves the gifts we give him. (Someone in here wants to list them so I'll let them: a carved black cat that he keeps in his other office, a pen from a resort we went to, a big black and white cookie, chocolate truffles from a trip we took, a big jar of the kind of jam he likes from another trip that we took, and that's all we can remember right now. ) And that's not counting the things that we just keep in his office as part of the connection between us.