Group

The facilitators change every group. There's 6-8 facilitators. So there's no consistency. Someone will say something or be upset one time and the facilitators know nothing about what happened in the previous group. I can see pluses and minuses to that. It makes the group more peer led but on the downside the facilitator who heard the harrassed woman wasn't there when the harasser spoke about it. There are ground rules, be supportive and friendly, but that's about it.

For me my experience of the group is fragmented. I was going to say I've had no support there but then a part showed me the talking guy who never gets to talk hugging me and that I felt safe and supported. So I can't say it's all terrible - I can if I'm talking from one parts experience but other parts have had different experience.

We're sticking with what we intended it for: to list current stressors and that's it. List them, don't go into them in depth but aknowledge that they are causing stress. What happens other than that is sort of irrelevant except Paul and No-one are concerned about this woman and the ongoing stress of that.

To be fair Paul gives off a really strong "I'm gonna talk directly, f with me if you want to" and No-one gives off a really "I don't care" vibe so they're not the most friendly people. Other parts have had good experiences. I just listed off what my stressors were and then No-one dealt with the rest of it.

I don't think going more than once a month is fair on No-one or Paul, if he fully turns up again, because of the hostility this woman creates. It's still stressful for them, it does retraumatise them imo. They say it's ok and they can handle it, they can, but it puts adrenaline in the system (the body). Paul and No-one are immediate adrenaline injections - that's how they feel in the body. If in a calm situation they're simply doers, they get stuff done, don't chill out and sort of thrive in a hostile environment. It feels to me that No-one is an off shoot of Karen because Karen will discuss things but No-one will do that and go straight for the throat.

One guy was on her (No-one's) side. Where other people might want to align with him, be glad, she saw that as him thinking she needed him and told him she was just as angry with him (because Paul was). Paul had a heartattack before that because of the rage, so she dealt with them all, took no prisoners and made no friends. Which is why she is "No-one" I suppose. She doesn't ask for help and she sees an offering of an alliance as somebody saying she's weak. It was almost like she saved telling the guy she was angry at him too until that point where he felt she knew where she was coming from. She says "they would have to string me up from a tree and beat me with a stick before they'll have any effect on me" and it feels true. Which is where I believe she's an off shot of Karen. Karen took alot of the psychological abuse, tried to rationalize it and make it feel ok but at a certain point she snapped - she started acting out and No-one was crystallised from her into a person who takes nothing psychological in and doesn't care. As a child I'd say "I don't care" I was told "don't care was made to care" instead of being made to care No-one then started saying (internally because I remember thinking it alot) "is that all you got" At a certain point when abuse happens young and a child can't take any more there's two options die or live. To live you have to learn to take the abuse and carry on anyway which takes a level of minimisation of what's happening and for us that was "is that all you got"

On the up side of this I fell over the other day and hurt my leg. Normally I'd get up and carry on like nothing happened but I didn't. I sat on the floor, cried, held my leg and let people help me up. As a child my knee dislocated on the way to school. My father put my knee cap back in place and I went to school. So although it sounds stupid letting myself sit on the floor and cry for a few moments and then let somebody else drive me where I needed to go because I was in a little pain is massive for me. I don't want to go the other way and become a massive cry baby who dramatises everything but not just carrying on and showing some aknowledgement to being hurt is a progress for me.

Sarandipity wrote:On the up side of this I fell over the other day and hurt my leg. Normally I'd get up and carry on like nothing happened but I didn't. I sat on the floor, cried, held my leg and let people help me up. As a child my knee dislocated on the way to school. My father put my knee cap back in place and I went to school. So although it sounds stupid letting myself sit on the floor and cry for a few moments and then let somebody else drive me where I needed to go because I was in a little pain is massive for me. I don't want to go the other way and become a massive cry baby who dramatises everything but not just carrying on and showing some aknowledgement to being hurt is a progress for me.

It doesn't sound stupid, it sounds normal.

Proud of you Sarandipity. Especially because I know a dislocated knee cap hurts like a b***h. I dislocated mine when I was 14 and my mom had to pop it back in
. worse pain I have ever experienced other than kidney stones. Good job.

Rive wrote:Proud of you Sarandipity. Especially because I know a dislocated knee cap hurts like a b***h. I dislocated mine when I was 14 and my mom had to pop it back in
. worse pain I have ever experienced other than kidney stones. Good job.

Oh god. I had that too. I was on my way to school and my knee cap dislocated. My father popped it back and I went to school. I was in infant school. My sister wasn't with us so I must of been under age 7. He said I didn't have to go to school but I'd rather be at school so I went.

I only tripped on a rock and scrapped my leg. My point was I let myself be a bit in shock, let myself be helped. It wasn't on purpose, it just happened, that I cried etc. Completely not normal for me. Normally I carry on, like when my knee dislocated. I couldn't afford to be in pain or to be weak as a child so I'm not normally very good at letting anyone help me.

I think the difference was because of the bf. Weak parts of me come out to him and he looks after them. He was in the house when I fell over so maybe I felt safe to be vulnerable because I knew he'd help me. He did. He's really good with weaker parts, in pain parts, parts that can't talk, when I got trapped in my body and I was conscious but couldn't speak, when my shoes hurt, when I'm too tired to make food etc etc. He's very good at all that. Then protective parts come out and be mean to him. I'm thinking now they do that because they don't like that he has helped weaker parts and is doing caring things, they feel threatened. The weaker parts have never come out to anyone else because they haven't seen anyone else as safe, as they will look after them. They come out when I'm in hospital at first but within days Paul or No-one takes over. I had a trauma as an adult and went numb down one side of my body but that was a part shutting down not a part coming out so, yeah, in pain parts etc have only ever come out to him so I think I managed to be falling over and vulnerable rather than get up and carry on and block the pain because he was there.

Haven't been to the group for weeks, over 4 weeks, something like that. Mostly due to work but partially due to not wanting to go before Christmas because I know they would pick on me and I was in a good feeling and didn't want to ruin it.

I could go to the group next week. I'm off work that day, I don't have Christmas as the excuse.

I know they are going to have a go at me, a couple of them. Even if they don't the horrible woman that I know from years ago will make an excuse to somehow complain about me.

Last group this guy was chatting for ages and she got up and left. I knew when she came back she would somehow make it about me and she did. So regardless of whether she has rangled up other group members I'm going to get $#%^ at that group unless that woman has disappeared or is absent.

I'm not going to the art group I was going to go to because an ex friend of mine is volunteering there and I don't want to encroach on her or become her friend in any way again so I'm not going to that. So really I have to go to the support group for my purposes. I have to list off how triggering my parents have been, how work is and how home life is. Then I have to take whatever crap going to this support group entails.

Also I have to call the psychiatrist and the nurse and I have to ask to be properly assessed. I wrote out a very simple way to ask so I don't dissociate and get confused and leave the room having gotten nowhere. So hopefully that'll help.

In a way it's good the support group is hostile because I wanted to go only occasionally and just use it to keep an eye on my triggers. If it was friendly and supportive (which it would be without this woman, she wasn't there the first few weeks I started) then I'd be going too often and going too deep into my stuff there then is safe to do because I long for comfort and support and have and will take it wherever I can get it regardless of whether it's actually good for me or not so the fact it's hostile and not supportive means I keep focused on getting properly assessed by DID specialist.

I wasn't trusting the nurse. I think I will try. I will talk to her and see if she will support me in approaching the doctor to refer me.

I went back to the group today. I hadn't had a chance till now except once and I forgot to go but I went back today.

The "woman" there that was known from another group has been forced to leave. I'm so glad I wasn't going while that happened. Sounded really stressful and I probably would of got the blame somehow and they would of associated me with her leaving which I wouldn't like.

Apparently she came out and told them she was using other peoples trauma as her own. Which I knew because of being in the group with her years ago (Paul knew) but I felt I couldn't say because they were blaming me for causing upset in the group and I wasn't sure they'd believe it from me. One particular story she came out with if the woman whose actual life she was plagerising knew would be absolutely furious and not the best person to get on the wrong side of. I don't know if she told them about physically abusing her children and her children being taken from her but the point is she's gone.

Generally I felt more comfortable. The part of me that is constant pain came through into the body a couple of times because I felt on alot of pain. Usually I associate that whole body pain as "I'm in stress" but I wasn't in stress when she came through and now I know she's a part / alter and it's not a physical reaction to stress it's a part/alter that is in constant pain.

The group was very pleasant and supportive to everyone there and that was really nice. I got to ask about the medication the psychiatrist has offered me and although nobody can say how an individual will react to a medication it helped to discuss.

So was good.

No-one (and pain part) host can't cope with pain part yet - too draining and upsetting for her. She tried and I know she'll try again because she's determined to know all parts but I did the group for her (for us I suppose).

So I went again to the group. It was very helpful. There was still a hangover from the toxic woman who was there because the group leaders say she can possibly come back. This had made others not want to attend the group which I can completely relate to. I will deal with either way, I won't stop going if this woman does come back because the only thing that's changed for me is that other people know what she's like.

Group was good again. Really glad I kept going.

Evil woman turned up to group. Everybody else left.

I stayed and told her about herself and told the facilitators they need to review the group model because having a person that's poisonous like her still allowed there needs to be thought of and some kind of claus added so in these extreme circumstances where several people refuse to attend if that member is there then that member can be banned.

I enjoyed saying my piece. I left after I said it. Usually I don't like to allow myself enjoyment in something like that but I made an exception because it's my birthday and I'm having a birthday week. Took a week off work. So I ate a nice cream cake after to celebrate having a go at somebody who deserves it and just enjoyed it without feeling bad or feeling guilty for enjoying it, which usually I do. I feel guilty, self analyse, if I have a go at someone even if they deserve it and I also beat myself up because I enjoyed it. But it's my birthday so I decided none of that. I enjoyed having a go at someone who deserves it, the end.

I'm hoping they will work out how to get rid of this woman because the group works very well and is supportive when she isn't there.

I'm going to keep going. I'm going to say every group how they need to do something to protect the group from her and people like her. I'm going for the group though, not for the woman. I enjoyed it once that's enough. So I will blank her in future and just ask that the main section be about the rules of the group changing so it's written in their notes of the group.

Once she's gone, please God, I will keep going because the group is helpful and a good idea. To allow a piece of $#%^ like her ruin it I am unable to stand by and let happen. Because if nobody goes to the group they will pull the funding and many people will suffer because of this one poisonous person.

Group surprised me - again. In a good way. After Pat left they all went back into the group. They said they didn't hear what "I" said which is a good thing in my opinion. Pat likes, I like too, that it's was just group workers and the woman.

When I first walked in and saw the other group members there (not the horrible woman though) I looked at the guy who gets banned sometimes when he gets angry and thought "uh oh I might get banned" but the workers said I expressed myself in an ok way so it was ok.

Then when they said they all went back and finished the group I felt... Proud of them... Feels wrong to feel proud of other people, I don't know if that's a good a thing to feel or not, maybe it is maybe it isn't, I dunno. But I did feel proud of them that they all stuck it out and also felt pleased that the notes of the group were then written by them instead of the horrible woman. So she hadn't stolen the group from everyone.

People like her, abusers steal from others but not stuff like what I call "an honest theif" where you know what they took - money or a watch etc. Abusers steal stuff and it's difficult to know what they have stolen. She didn't get to steal the group and make it her own place where she lies and abusers new member after new member.

Her presence stole the trust the group felt and the security they felt there. Her leaving in it's self won't gain that back. That takes time. I don't trust anyone except myself anyway. In my mind everyone is always a potential threat and I live with it everyday, I wouldn't know how it feels to live without that. I trust different people with different things to varying degrees. If I say something personal I always say it knowing or expecting it to be repeated or potentially used against me by someone at some point. So I only ever say stuff when I feel at peace with it myself. I'm hoping 1-1 trauma therapy may be different or I'll feel differently. The experience of the bf throwing abuse by my parents in my face has kind of got me over it. At first it was awful and I'd feel defeated and terrible. Now I think it's his problem if he wants to use that against me, it reflects on him and not me.

Anyway I felt like the abuser didn't win and is unable to carry on abusing the group. That's because of the group. They went back in on Monday and most turned up today.

I feel sad for them that they feel they lost the security and the trust and safeness they felt in the group but I don't really know how it feels to of had trust and lost it. I was not in a situation as a child where I could afford trust in anyone because when your main carers are the problem then there is nobody to ever instill the concept of safety or trust or security. I guess it must feel nice to have that and if you have it and loose it then it must be terrible.

So for them they are feeling bad. I just feel happy that an abuser isn't tricking them anymore and proud of them for keeping their group going. I don't think I really feel "part of the group" but again that's a defence mechanism, I felt not part of my family and once I knew what an orphanage was wanted to be in one. Which that disconnection saved me as a child I suppose from becoming them. I didn't look up to my family which is good. I felt - I can't remember all the feelings - but I felt like they were weak and pathetic often. The group showed it's strong and proud.

So it started off feeling like my family because it was harbouring an abuser and I was sort of being picked on but that went straight over my head. But then when the abuser was exposed - I wasn't there so I dunno exactly what happened - they all reacted in a way of expelling the abuser. That'd be getting rid of half my family if my family did that so obviously my family would never react the way the group did. The group reacted how I'd imagine a healthy family to react at this point - upset, sad, feeling like they can't have trust and safety back and like things will never be the same. When my son was abused and I reported it (it set off my past memories, I had none before that), my family took the abusers side. I was told I had to forget about what happened to my son and carry on like nothing happened. And although I only had personal memory of my uncle back then I told them to stick it basically and cut contact except with my parents. Then I realized my parents were emotionally and physically abusive so I minimised contact with them.

Sometimes I wish I remembered it all back then so I cut contact with my parents too but I don't think I would of coped at all with all the trauma memory then and I did minimise contact enough to physically protect my children.

Also my family would of gone to town on me, made my life hell, I probably wouldn't even had my children or a home or anything if I'd tried to do anything about my abuse back then. They would of took everything and made sure I was jibbering wreak.

Anyway the group reacted in what seems to me, I'm guessing because I don't know because I haven't experienced healthy family, in a healthy way.

So far I haven't expected any of it. I expected to still be going to that group with the evil woman tricking them all and me just going to do my life check list.

I feel shocked. Which is probably wrong because expecting people to react how they reacted to this abusive woman is probably normal. Expecting her to keep getting away with it is not normal. But I feel shocked.

I also feel slightly frightened because now I don't know what that means. It feels like I ought to trust them more or something. But it feels more risky now. Before I knew where I stood, in a hostile environment, I know hostile environments. They are saying, the group, they don't feel safe etc because what if another person like her comes again. That doesn't bother me, I can smell people like that like it's a sixth sense. I feel frightened because it's now seemingly safe without her or I feel frightened because I safe is completely unknown territory to me or I'm frightened - I'm not sure what I'm frightened of, but I'm frightened of something.

Anyway I have work next week so I can't go so I'll worry about it when I am going again.

No-one with Karen