I feel like a total fckup

I feel like DID is totally ruining me. I've been with my husband for over 14 years and we have kids together. I found out about the DID when we were together for about 2.5 years and already moved in together. Because one or a group of my alters keeps destroying my marriage. It's like they (she?) hate his total guts. Everything I or my husband tries fails. She totally wants us to part ways and proves it by her nasty actions and words. I love my husband and I want to spend my life with him but she ruined our marriage and I'm afraid it's beyond repair now.
I know they always say everything the total system does is responsibility for everyone in the system but I have no control over what she does but she still messes up everything and leaves a pile of $#%^ for me. I understand that she doesn't want to be with him and feels trapped with a man she hates and has been for the last 12 years since she first manifested. To her this marriage is just as unfair as leaving would be for me.
How could I possibly deal with this?

Why does she hate him? What does she say when you ask what would help her?

It must be clear rules for everyone. First of all, everyone has right to feel themselves safe at their home. That includes her and your husband. She has no right to be mean to him, but she is not married to him and has no obligations to sleep in the same bed or same room with him, spend time with him, be touched by him etc. Everyone's boundaries must be clearly expressed, and after that, followed.

Forcing her IS wrong, and it is not fair she has not been listened to. All parts have unique relationships with every outside person. You are part of the same overall being, but you are not the same part, but to be treated as who you are.

Is it possible to give her own space? Any place, some room where she can have things important to her and when she's there she knows she has an escape from the man she hates, so she doesn't have to be aggressively defending her boundaries?

Things like who sleeps where when she's out are things to be negotiated. If she feels better when she has her own space, it's clear she sleeps there, if not, they take turns. Same thing with watching TV or what ever, you need to communicate what is important to her and what's important to him and make agreements, where everyone settles.

Or is she too angry to negotiate? How old is she? Do you have therapy?

And DID is NOT ruining you, it saved you. It's not fair that our lives are more complex because of what other people have done to us or around us, but DID and parts you share your body with saved you.

I'm not sure who it is. It's identified as one single alter but sometimes when said alter fronts she denies the nasty actions. That's why I wrote 'they', because I feel like maybe they are more than one. Possibly hiding behind each other or just very similar. We even think she might have actual borderline personality disorder because she or they are so inconsistent.
The alter who is usually identified is about 17 or 19, and I should have clarified that she is obsessed with sex, men and appearances, flirting etc. Or at least, thats how she seems like to me and my husband. I've tried everything like giving them other purposes as well and they do enjoy that but it doesn't seem to compensate her 'nature'.. What she does is (actively?) look for people to fall in love with. Often these are the kinds of people I wouldn't even want in my life if I were single. Even sometimes dangerous situations. I don't know if this is out of desperation to actually find someone suited for her of if she just wants to play with them. I get both vibes sometimes. In the very distant past it actually happened that she got intimate with someone and switched me out in the middle of it, feeling obviously violated.
Why she hates him is because he is everything she isn't happy with, like the opposite of what she wants in men. I think. What would help her if I ask, leaving. I think she just wants her freedom like I guess an actual teenager wants, though she does seem really good with our children like a responsible adult. That, or my husband sometimes seems to think she's addicted to chasing the rush of being in love. I don't know.
When she is out about being out we, or should I say they, often do not sleep in the same bed or even talk much, but she does want to use my husband for sex because it's better than no sex. But she is also very good at hiding who she truly is and about being honest about being out.
We do not have effective therapy because I seem to be untreatable because I cannot open up properly. And also because my current psychologist doesn't want to destabilize me while I have small children. I see somebody weekly and I do take meds and am about to start more meds, but that is all just for support and maintenance rather than digging.

Your second post about DID havign saved my life is obviously true and I know she grew into the woman she is because of a very messed up past. She is totally adapted to a life like that. I understand that. But it's so useless now. Like passengers with no way out.
And thanks so much for trying to help.

I'm sorry to hear this.  

Floralie gave some very good advice.  I would keep asking to see why she hates your husband.

In the meantime, maybe your husband could help.  
1.  He could ask for her and try to get to know her.  Maybe she would appreciate being romanced.  Take her specifically on a date, etc.  (Difficult with little kids.  I can relate.  Mid 30's with 4 kids here... LOL)
2.  Maybe she's just bored with him.  Maybe some roleplay or more something more risque could help.  Worth asking her.

It can be difficult.  I've worked to form a relationship in whatever form they want, especially since they didn't all choose to be with me.  Some (2 specifically) still dislike me intensely.  Relationships are hard and DID doesn't make it easier.  I hope you all can find something that works for everyone, your system and your husband.

Thanks SOhank. Yes it's really difficult, depressing. I don't even want to keep breaking trust and hurting my husband at all. I hate to hurt him like that. He almost walked out and rightfully so.

When there is pain within the system, sometimes we misidentify the source of the pain because of unprocessed trauma. If a part is so hungry for men, that is illusory. That hunger comes from not getting your needs met when you were young. If a part blames the husband for everything that is wrong, it could be that he is actually doing something that rubs you wrong, or it could be that he is just a convenient scapegoat for your inner pain. Or maybe it could be a combination of both.

I was in a bad relationship and blamed myself for all of the problems, but it turns out that he was actually pretty abusive. The night-child knew and attacked him, but as day-child I blamed myself for not being able to control the night-child's nasty mouth. This man drove me crazy then left me because I was crazy.

But then I was continually obsessed with him long after we broke up. That seemed unreasonable so I asked the night-child why. They responded that my feelings were actually about my mom. So I started to process trauma related to my disorganized relationship with my mom. I realized the need to focus more on my child and lost interest in men. (Like you, I have pluralities that can be represented by a singular proxy or protector.)

Your therapist wants to focus on you being stable. That seems like a good thing for your kids, except it's dysfunctional and destabilizing your family. You may need to dig through some muck in order to establish better communication between your parts and have peace in your home.

We just wanted to say that this sounds really tough for you guys...and it sounds like a hard situation.

To be honest, I was kind of like that, like the personality who is damaging your relationship... so I can kind of see things from their perspective...

I'd say, yea, it is totally weird there being a 'forced' thing, like, them 'having to'. I mean, even if there is just a tiny vibe of that...its just really hard to deal with, and makes things like really worse.

We'd say that the System, ultimately, wants to all work together. I mean, DID is an awesome thing, and so there are probably reasons if you're not on the same page.

Do you know how old the other alter is? I'm a teen, and so its weird, like really weird, being in an adult 'relationship'. I mean, its ok now. But it took work, from everybody. Now we mainly play console games, eat pizza and watch trash movies with our partner. They are kind of a friend really.

I mean, yea, we don't get to do other stuff. I guess I'm talking to the other personality now... that it sucks, man it really sucks. And its not your fault...and its totally natural to want to do your own stuff...but like, stuff happened right? I mean, thats why it sucks. Its something to grieve over, to be sad about, something you've lost maybe? And in the end, thats ok. People lose stuff, things don't work out...and you can be ok. I've lost a part of my life that I'd love to go and live...but can't. That sucks. Some days it really sucks. But, in losing that, I gain a lot of really awesome stuff...like a cosy house, cool things to do, nice food...money to eat pizza...stuff like that... and I guess thats life...in a way...

Wishing you guys the very best with it


Gothika

myce wrote:If a part blames the husband for everything that is wrong, it could be that he is actually doing something that rubs you wrong, or it could be that he is just a convenient scapegoat for your inner pain. Or maybe it could be a combination of both.

How do I know which one it is though. Or even if her observations are valid. Or even if her observations are valid, I have at least equal parts who do not want to lose my husband and feel completely happy and fulfilled in this marriage.

myce wrote:Your therapist wants to focus on you being stable. That seems like a good thing for your kids, except it's dysfunctional and destabilizing your family. You may need to dig through some muck in order to establish better communication between your parts and have peace in your home.

Yes. It's not only my incapable t but also my own inability to open up to them therapists never believing me for so many years traumatizing me.

sleepingwolf wrote:
We'd say that the System, ultimately, wants to all work together. I mean, DID is an awesome thing, and so there are probably reasons if you're not on the same page.

Do you know how old the other alter is?

Our system has been in conflict over this marriage for as long as it lasts. The ones who don't want it have even put an ultimatum on working together, first we break up with him. And we don't want to. Looking back, this even started after 2 days but then I didn't know what those voices were and ignored it until our first crash.
So everything we do usually entails keeping the ones who don't want this under strict control and that doesn't always work without fail obviously. But we still do not want to lose him. I don't understand why I should give up something that I dearly want, my husband and by now family, even if I don't want to. Just because someone else wants to.

The group of alters identify as 17 to 19 most of the time but not always. Some of their aspects are as old as in their 40's. They are mostly clearly modeled after an unhealthy lifestyle of the past.