More Nightmares lately (Triggers)

I don't know how to explain this the way it sounds right and not just weird in wrong way. It's weird anyway and I don't know if it's helpful, I hope it's not triggering for Angel. It's not meant to be. This is to Zor, maybe Angel, I don't know.

Few weeks ago I would've said our system feels kind of connection to your system, like being same kind some way more than many other systems we know. Yesterday when I read what you wrote, Zor, I started putting that to smaller pieces. Thinking of parts who have been here and know this forum. Lucas - no, he doesn't know who you are. Jules - doesn't know who you are. So that leaves me and Sami which is pretty obvious because he reads everything happening in here and has wrote in here before, and me, because I write most. So I thought maybe I should just talk about myself, and not claim other parts having thoughts or feelings I don't know if they have at all.

Then started thinking WHY I feel the similarity, what the similarity or connection to me is. And I realized, I don't find anything or actually feel anything. I thought I did, kind of strongly, but then realized it wasn't me after all either. So there's no one else left but Sami. Passive influence and blending are tricky things, I could've sworn it was my feeling, but it wasn't, and I see it now because Sami keeps himself where I can't feel him when I write, now that he doesn't chat in here anymore.

I thought for a long time Angel is female. Sami pointed him out to me one time like ages ago and said that's the one, meaning that Angel is the reason for the feeling of connection for him, kind of "his favorite". That sounds wrong, I thought it like that then, and was kind of amazed, because Sami doesn't connect with females, but then I found out later he's a guy and that made more sense. You know, some guys hang out with other guys, some with who ever, some mostly with girls. Sami hangs out with guys, or to be honest, doesn't hang out at all, but avoids males less. There's reasons for that too, but it's not my business to talk about them. And no, it's not because of his orientation.

I had never seen Angel writing anything, I don't know if he had ever written, if Sami had ever seen him saying anything either. Or even read anything ABOUT him. But that did not affect to Sami's opinion any way. When he has an opinion, he has it, and he does not hesitate. He struggled with it, because he knew you're gonna hurt him and possibly other parts very important to him at some point because of religion, but you can't decide how you feel, and he felt for Angel. In our system, the parts being thru similar guilt and shame for their reactions, religion is not something that makes them feel safe or pure. "It's A Sin" is their guilty song and religions their enemy, the biggest abandonment there is.

Now I know why the connection was. He knew, all along, I don't know why or how, but that is Sami's field. It's not what he has experienced himself, there are others for that, but that is Sami's field, people he takes care of and connects with, and it makes sense to me now what he felt and why. I can't really explain it, there's things I can't say because they would not sound right and other things I can't say because they're not my things, but it makes sense, and I know Sami is feeling for Angel, totally agreeing with the fact you have no business digging his stuff and he's seconding his opinion.

We know it's not on purpose, and I've learned too now that healing breaks things from how they used to be, and it's not fair to the ones who were happier the way things were. If it helps, Angel has an ally, the kind that says STFU about things that aren't yours, until advised otherwise.

Sami is not against change in our system, he's the one who knows stuff and can calm Lucas down when he freaks out because their world is changing, so it's not about being against change.

Sorry you need to go thru it too. Thinking about medication to prevent nightmares and slowing down in therapy sounds reasonable to me. Things are happening too fast and without agreements. It sounds clear to me that adult you knows there's nothing to be guilty or ashamed of for real, because you can talk about what happened. Those feelings come from the past only. Adult Angel may not know it, he has his perspective to it from how it felt when it happened, he didn't have the luxury to grow up and understand before experiencing it. It's not your fault tho. I'm sorry any of you have gone thru stuff you have.

Flor

H hi, Pixie here...

So like Angel has written in the forums only a few times, I'd guess likes 3, MAYBE 4 at MOST... possibly just once or twice... not like entirely sure. And yeah, he's a guy. lol He and I are, best we can tell, the first... cuz we remember the man-monster in the beginning, very very very vaguely and not like detailed at all... but outside our body was like 2-3 years old, so...

Angel has always had more connection to girls than boys, but IDK if that's cuz of like his super timid quiet nature, or that like inside it was just he and I for a long time, until Kitten & Kaleb came along a few years later, until Katya, until we started to have an "inner world" of our own... but even then... and later cuz of like how stuff happened and "developed" for us, the inner world wasn't "set" until after things settled down, the age when most ppl, singletons, would have the "parts solidifying as a single person"... that's kinda when our "solidly multiple" kinda thing started I'm guessing... at that age, when we got to Alaska...

Cuz like our inner world, in AK. Some details of things, like the girl-monster... inside she was Angel's sister... the man-monster instead of an uncle outside, cuz Angel suffered for us with both monsters most likely why this connection... the man-monster inside was his birth dad... (not the he calls "dad"- that's the one that got him OUT of that situation)... outside that is the same person, the one who brought the girl-monster into the home, the one that let the relative that is the man-monster in... but also got them away from us... so things aren't clear for us... and it's taken MOST of the last 18 months to get THIS speculation and limited understanding (if we can call it that).

Angel doesn't actually think Zor's TRYING to drag it up... just that it IS being dragged up cuz of knowing the girl-monster hurt me, how she did, and Zor remembering it, like I do... as if HE lived it (cuz outside, the body did, right?!)... and cuz it's similar to what she did to Angel... it's causing that to slowly open up... without Zor pressing or prying, cuz he's NOT- he's been very respectful and patient, and HASN'T pressed us for info... he hasn't wanted to hurt us ever...

Angel knows that, but he doesn't wanna talk about it and he is terrified of like going through it, remembering it all, living it again... even if we both (he and I) know it's for the best... He has seen how I am better (somewhat) since Zor knowing, that I don't carry it so alone anymore...

Angel's not against change either, per se... but until 18 months ago, he didn't KNOW he was part of a system and that his life inside wasn't "all there was to life". So things really dramatically changed then... finding out this online friend (Zor) was so much more than that, and HOW that is the case... it shook him and scared him... so he's still coming to terms with that, and then Zor and I have that shared memory of what happened to ME now, which is connected to the girl-monster hurting Angel, too... it's a ton, it's massive.

I think Angel KNOWS we're safe, physically, inside and outside... But the non-logical side, the emotional side buried deep inside... it isn't sure, and even if it is, the awareness and memory STILL hurts a ton. There's no escaping pain when you confront painful stuff. And while Zor (and certainly not Angel) are TRYING to pick at the scab, the bleeding from under it is beginning anyway... That scares Angel, a lot. It SHOULD scare Zor cuz once it goes, it'll be a LOT all at once. Cuz all those bad things are super tightly connected for Angel...

What Angel DOES lack is an escape from it- a time living without being directly in fear. Inside, cuz of how it solidified and how time "barely moved" for us until we "met Zor" online... Angel lived in it over and over and nonstop until like a decade ago... and we started to "live" forward away from that with Zor being towed along seeing our lives and hearing our stories as friends do online in chats and stuff... and that FINALLY let us "grow up" and move from like the teenaged stage we were at when we moved to Alaska (the same age as the body was then, as Zor himself was) and begin to get older, become young adults, marry, etc.

So he's had less than 10 years away from the worst stuff. In fact, 'Inside' when the girl-monster hurt me happened AFTER Zor met us... when we were revealing ourselves in a subtle, subconscious driven away through our online lives intersecting his- the only place we could communicate outside. Angel suffered about up until that point- so until like 2010/2011...

So he's had just a few years "away" from that even inside, and all but a year and a half of that was thinking that was his entire life... for most of us, and even Kitten and I that "knew"... didn't REALLY understand or know. We knew we had some sorta connection to Zor, our lives somehow overlapped, but we totally didn't get HOW... and we knew we'd been in Alaska the whole time (inside- so that felt real to us) but not how it worked with him that wasn't... IDK... hard to explain, very murky past that point in time... but anyhow... Yeah... Angel's had a tough go, figuring out how to live despite his hurt, suffering it soooooo long... then having a few years free, just find out that that wasn't "all" of life... and now trying to NOT hurt from it again, and figure out who he is, who we all are, all over again, AFTER the pain... it's scary.

Angel wrote what he did in fear and hurt... nothing more... (He and I have talked a TON about it). And he's very happy to have someone like Sami that understands and supports him- however this goes.

{\Pixie/}

MeMyselfMaureen wrote:I respect all religions that respect people.

Have a good service.

Mo

Thanks, it was solemn and prayerful (as it is meant to be for Yom Kippur).

**TW (cont)**
That comment "that respect people" is a large part of why I have shifted away from mainstream Christianity- which too often (even if NOT where I was at) tends to stray into "attacking everyone else" and NOT showing love and respect of others...
Messianic Judaism is, but beyond all that it's fundamentally a PERSONAL relationship-driven belief set... I like that... And it was the appeal of this, and the realization of the depth of meaning pulling all the history and reasoning from the beginning to til the end that really grabbed me and my heart.
**TW END**

And a new/different one...

**BIG TRIGGER WARNING- CUTTING & BLOOD, SEXUAL ASSAULT (mentioned, no details)**

A guy's hand... and forearm... a knife...
It was so darn peaceful and serene... someone crying, the person I was seeing through? Hands had dark nail polish on them... and a knife in the left hand, sliding it up the right arm over and over. A few times just sliding, nothing at all from it. Then a few times scratching...
Finally it got to bleeding... a LOT... and no pain... just calm, quiet, peacefulness...
The only thing that was going more than the tears was the blood at the end... and then it began to get cold feeling, darkening... and I woke up... terrified.

I have NEVER cut myself. NEVER considered suicide. As far as I know, and no scars or wounds have ever made me wonder, this has NEVER happened outside... IDK if anyone did inside... I know Pixie ONCE just after the inside event of being sexually assaulted by _her_ (the girl-monster foster child that hurt us)... But this was in 2011 in the "telling" of their story or how it translated to outside since they were still so much younger, closer to the age I (and the body) was at the time of the actual incident...
** END TRIGGER WARNINGS **

But this scared me a lot... very creepy.

-- Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:40 am --

OH... and the hits keep coming... My mom calls today... My dad is in the hospital getting a batter of tests... he's gone from working and able to get around to barely walking on a cane, hurting all the time down to the bone, barely able to eat and puking most of what he does...

They are doing a battery of tests this morning... thinking he has cancer.

Zor wrote:My dad is in the hospital getting a batter of tests... he's gone from working and able to get around to barely walking on a cane, hurting all the time down to the bone, barely able to eat and puking most of what he does...

They are doing a battery of tests this morning... thinking he has cancer.

We're sorry, Zor and all. Hoping for the best outcome. And hoping for an end to your bad dreams as well.

MDs

MakersDozn wrote:

Zor wrote:My dad is in the hospital getting a batter of tests... he's gone from working and able to get around to barely walking on a cane, hurting all the time down to the bone, barely able to eat and puking most of what he does...

They are doing a battery of tests this morning... thinking he has cancer.

We're sorry, Zor and all. Hoping for the best outcome. And hoping for an end to your bad dreams as well.

MDs

Thanks... we should know in a week or so Mom said.

So still with the nightmares... the arm one the other night has left scratch marks on my arm days later... so far no one has said anything (if I'm lucky they didn't notice at all).

Everything feels so darn hard and like it's all such a mess lately.