Too aware?

I think I've developed some kind of hyper vigilance to "who is close or wanting to switch in"

I was getting dressed, I'm off work still so it's like free choice on clothes. It hasn't bothered me before just this morning. I will put s dress on, I find them more comfortable. I hate tracksuit like stuff.

When picked out jeans and a sweatshirt I started to worry. Not full on anxiety but a "that's odd, why am I feeling that's nice to wear?"

I have this group thing today. And last time I was there I thought I could mention I think my diagnosis is wrong and say about parts - there's a woman there who hears voices and nobody is dragging her off to hospital (when I said voices at 19 I was sectioned). So I thought I could probably safely mention I have different parts.

These clothes are more what "no-one" would wear. The first time we tried to talk to a psychiatrist about different parts Beth was the one who tried, started crying and panicked. Thr doctor couldn't understand what she was saying, left to get a tissue for us and No-one switched in. Not sure what no-one said to the doctor because they're blocking that. I'm only just managing to get the first bit that happened with Beth.

So now I'm wondering if it's that No-one is close and intends to do the group to avoid me saying about parts.

There's others who want to talk about other stuff in this group. You have to say in check in what you want to talk about and then the facilitators pick who's issue they will discuss. So whichever part of me gets to that check in will say whatever is upsetting them. Or not say what I wanted to say. Or just say we're fine. Etc.

So the clothes thing has now made me aware of this. I don't know what to do or if I can "do" anything.

How do you guys manage to get to somewhere and say what you intended to say if other parts are capable of messing you up?

Lapis Lazuli

So the group was ok. Said some stuff. Was actually nothing to worry about.

Glad it finally went OK! I hope next time will be less stressful.

--Zami--

Thanks Zami.

I making this to get out what I said, from whoever said it. I relayed the group in my mind earlier and different parts I know had different things to say (about stuff other people in the group said) but I personally can't remember much so I'm hoping writing it out it'll just naturally come through.

Hi it's No-one, I'm still kind of near luckily for you. So I got there and nearly went in some diabetes clinic because I not been there before but I made it into the right door. Some kid was there, she seems ok. Then this f'in bitch from years ago walks in and I really wanted to smash her in but I put that to one side by pretending she wasn't there. I'll tell you why I hate her. That bitch always had something about her, she had people accusing her of hurting her kids and I never believed her when she said she didn't so when I see her spiteful little pig eyed face I could of kicked her in. I thought f this am I talking here but then I thought no f that and let Beth start to tell what she wanted to tell. I asked the pig eyed bitch about her kids on the break and they grown up and don't live with her so I at least I don't have to listen about her boo hooing that she hasn't done anything and people wanna take her kids because I could not stomach her - she comes across to me like she hurt her kids, like she's a liar and she is a massive attention seeker who only wants sympathy. I got no time for her at all.

Anyway Beth started off the chat in there so I'll let her tell you, mostly because I was seathing angry at looking at that low life again. No-one

So I managed to say it calm and nice at first "I want to talk about feeling I was misdiagnosed. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and I feel that was wrong. I explained how we had all different diagnosis over the years. I explained that we realised about our memory problem - as we saw it then - in 2007 and that since then we read alot about memory and feel our problem is more dissociative. I said at one point that I have different parts of myself and different names but I said alot and fast so I think they missed that. I just wanted to get it all out. I was really nervous and talking to like four people at once but no-one was with me so I felt ok and I remembered all that eye contact stuff we learnt so I think I did ok. Beth

Then the younger woman their said how she felt no connection to photos she sees of herself since April. So I explained about how the three years with the husband are just lost. I said I know facts "did this, did that" but the memory isn't there or any feelings of connection to it. I didn't say it was me and Karen co-hosting then and without her I can't remember much of it. I remember stuff like the anonymous protest in London, going to church to do charity stuff, knitting but all the relationship stuff Karen dealt with - I didn't explain that and I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I know facts but I don't have memories of connection to them" The gnome woman said some stuff but I had to keep some sort of disconnection from her because you know what no-one is like. I kept saying to her "don't punch her, don't punch her" I was going to move the chair away from her but no-one said no because that looks weak and I said but people who move chairs are owning the chair - that's what I read and no-one said not in this case trust me this @@@@@@@ will read that as we're intimidated. So I listened and didn't move the chair. I moved it later but as we came in the room but I accidentally moved it closer - then I could barely see her face which is better because her facial expressions give her away in her $#%^ talking (No-one finished this sentence). Beth

Hi Beth

Glad No-one helped you there and you did ok with the group thing.

To answer your initial question of keeping it together when everyone wants to speak we get that problem when we go to see Doctor Doug. Most of us are so comfortable with him now that the moment we walk through the door my head feals like its underwater, everyone rushing out at once. I dig my nails in to my palms and focus on the pain. Sometimes when everybody is really loud I dig so hard that I bleed. The noise means that my thoughts are foggy but I have enough control to tell doug that I have something important but it's to loud for me to think right now and he says "Ok I'll make sure to talk to you before the end" and then I step back and the other do/say their thing and when there is 10 minuets left of the session Dougs tells them fairs fair and its my turn now.

Grace

Sometimes I have trouble keeping peter in check especially when there are real kids around. If I know we are going somewhere where him coming out is going to be inappropriate then i ware my tightest corset and paint on thick make up. A quick peek in my compact mirror is enough to send him scuttling back. I know it is mean to make a "this body is mine" statement but sometimes it really isn't the time for a little boy to be in charge (like when we were having our smear test done....)

Mo

Thanks Grace and Mo.

I wanted to tell the bf how he makes me feel. I tried and he wouldn't let me speak. He shuts me down. Paul lost it and switched in. Basically threatened him and said he had to listen to me but I was too much crying and in a state. When I calmed down a bit I thought I don't want to force some one or some one be forced to listen to me so I didn't come back out and say what I wanted to say.

I want one person that's hurt me, shut me down, minimised what they've done, lied about it and called me liar to listen to how they effect me. But when I had the chance I didn't take it.

I want them to really want to hear, to really be sorry but they don't want to and they aren't.

So it's an inside and outside problem - not being able to be heard. Outside it's because of the person put around me, I think all people will be like that with me, but maybe that's me thinking badly of myself and other people won't hurt me and would listen.

Thanks again, Beth.

Hello Beth,

Feeling heard and important is not something easy to develop. But it is important to keep trying. May I suggest to first, announce that you have something to say and that you need to be heard, only heard, and have your feelings supported and validated. Explain that you need to express your feelings, and that if the other persons need to discuss them, the other person should first wait a few days, allowing you time to process the feelings.

Simply announcing it first, can make you easily see if the other person will listen or not. And if the other person is not available right now, they can tell you to come back later when they are more available so they can focus 100% on listening to you and hearing you.

What happens if you do not try? 0% chances of being heard.

What happens if you DO try? More chances for you to be heard.

Keep trying. You are worth it. You are worth being heard.

°°Isaïa°°

Why don't you invite sounds like three parts and share what their motive is. If it is dress, track suit, or jeans sweat days moments. I think, I like to explain to each other a punky Brewster type day where you mix it all in is the best approach. Maybe just plain getting back to most noticeable conversation for the day is what matters, especially if some of co con is being learned. Or what you didn't pick up based on what is happening .