Abusive part????

More of us are coming out of the woodwork. One part "shadowman" who I had always thought was peter trying to scare me turns out not to be peter and shadowman scares peter on a monthly basis.

I suspect shadowman may have been the source of the suicidal urges Mo battled with when we were younger. Mo blames me: I may be chronically depressed but I am not guilty of the suicide attempts.

I know there are protectors, is there such thing as abusers in a system and how do you deal with them?

Our T says he's not scared and in his opinion shadowman is probably benign he just needs new coping stratergies. He has even invited shadowman to come out front next time.

None of us are looking forward to that. Mo has even packed a pair of handcuffs in our bag "just in case" I'm not sure what she plans to do handcuff us to the chair as a precaution maybe?

Grace

I once said I'm gonna link this video in here as many times as someone asks, because working with "bad alters" is described better in here than anywhere else I've found. Parts who hurt the body are called persecutors, and they do exist in many systems. Still all parts are there because they try to help or because they're feeling overwhelmingly bad. Their ways of trying to help may not be best ones anymore, but there's always a reason why they are the way they are.

Learning to know them is important. Then you get to know why they do what they do and can help them with their actual problems. Sometimes they don't know why themselves either, but sometimes they think they're helping. Some may just feel so sad and angry they can't cope and they need help. Still, even the ones who try to hurt other parts or themselves, may not wanna hurt anyone. They can try to protect the ways that just don't work (anymore), but they can learn better ways.

Anyway, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZANla33sb8. Just remember this is one example of how they can be, but they can be different kind as well.

Our systems persecutors are tweens from Jules' system. There's many of them and they all have different reasons to hurt themselves or the body outside. The one who has tried to OD many times is trying to get outside help for us, or himself. He wants to go to hospital, because he hopes there could be an adult who takes care of him and he could just rest, and people would understand he's tired and can't go on anymore living adult life. That he would not be treated like an adult, because he isn't. There's several others too, and all have different reason. Some hurt their boy body in inner world, but not the body outside, they may not be aware of outside at all. They punish themselves because they think it's bad to be a boy, or be a boy the way they are, or because they've done something they think needs to be punished. They think that because that's what they've been told before. Some hurt only the outside body, because of body dysphoria that makes them freak out. Some want to feel pain because it calms them down and helps them with self regulation. Some have difficulties understanding and naming their feelings, so they make visible injuries to show they are hurting, they make them for themselves to see and for others to see as well. They all need different kind of help, because their motives are different, but non of them is bad.

Floralie

Hi, I am an "abusive part"

I can tell you that I used to be violent if provoked. I am very manipulative and head fk'y. I do my best to use this now for the overall good of the system.

Now if someone is violent to me instead of retaliation I simply call the police. Unlike other parts I don't feel bad about it, I don't worry about consequences. If someone crosses a line then I now take the appropriate action.

I have to say this is incredibly boring to me. I would of much rather thrown the table at the bf than got up and called the police. But that wouldn't have solved anything.

He was shouting and throwing stuff on and off - only when vulnerable alters were around. Not when I was around. He was very astute.

I can put us in dangerous situations. I used to. I try to avoid it now but because I have victim parts they attract abusers.

Abusive parts can change to varying degrees. Being frightened of them doesn't help.

Paul

Sarandipity wrote:Abusive parts can change to varying degrees. Being frightened of them doesn't help.

Paul

Yes. We need to work on this.

Various MDs

In our experience, abusive parts can often be protectors trying to help the system out, but in ways that are based on old-information or old rules. They can also be carrying some hurt themselves, and lashing out as a way to hide their own pain.

For us, the best way to deal with them is with love, compassion, and acceptance. Don't be afraid of them, and definitely don't try to lash out or retaliate against them.

Eg. when I first met Charlie he appeared as a scary / violent looking man in his 20s. He was threatening to kill me, and then he tried to get me to injure the body. Then he started in with verbal abuse. I responded to it all by just telling him I wanted to help him and to be friends with him.

He was also actively hurting at least one of our littles inside, and causing us a lot of problems through flashbacks and stuff like that.

Eventually we found out he was really a 6yo boy and he was just trying to keep the system safe. He thought he had to keep the littles all safely hidden inside, and he'd get violent or scary and threatening (copying patterns of bullying we'd experienced at that age), to try to force everyone to do what he thought was best for us all.

Things got better after that. Once we knew why he was doing these things, enforcing 'old rules', we could work with him to change those rules.

Good luck.

V1

Floralie wrote:Anyway, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZANla33sb8. Just remember this is one example of how they can be, but they can be different kind as well.

Just gonna add to say that this link, and nearly ALL of her videos are amazing and super informative. She's got a degree in psychology and post-grad certificate in psychotherapy and counseling AND has DID. She knows it inside and out, and from a professional level, too. She's fantastic and has done some great work. Can't recommend Multiplicity & Me (Channel link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8JDIEFbQejP-meo1OwI0DA) enough for those that haven't seen her stuff yet.

Also, her "EducaDID" series has a single video for now- but it's a good "in a nutshell" kinda like description of DID, dissociation, etc... FANTASTIC to show ppl that don't quite understand.

{\Pixie/}

Thanks guys for your responses.

Having watched the links and read your posts I feel sorry for the shadowman.

You have given me hope and I shall try to make sure the handcuffs are not in the bag on monday morning. I doubt finding himself shackled will help shadowman to trust us.

Next time I see him I shall try to remember what you have said and try keep calm while he rages.