Not Sure If I Have DID

Earlier this year, after some traumatic moving and other things in my life, I started looking into self-diagnosing. Life kept getting in the way of seeking out therapy. It’s still kind of chaotic, but I thought I could do some online research.

For a while, I thought maybe it’s schizo-affective disorder or something like that, as scary as it sounds. But I wanted to know. What I was reading didn’t exactly match.

Some of my past is more hazy than the rest. It’s less hazy the older I was. A friend suggested I start writing out my life to see what I could piece together. The reason I thought it might be schizophrenic is that I’d hear voices, clear, distinct voices, but they were more like distinct personalities. There was a gender bending closeted period I went through during puberty.

It’s still affecting me. There have been a few times at work when someone would ask about my memory and I’d hold it all in. I’d be so frustrated. It’s like I was being misjudged. My head would go numb and it would pulsate. I remember doing things that wasn’t typical of me. I’d know what was going on, only to wonder why afterward. Is this normal?

So, regardless of DID, I’m going to seek out therapy. I’m just wondering if someone could go undiagnosed this long and have it.

Welcome ShinyPearl12.

ShinyPearl12 wrote:I’m just wondering if someone could go undiagnosed this long and have it.

This is extremely common. I had DID for decades without a diagnosis.

I remember doing things that wasn’t typical of me. I’d know what was going on, only to wonder why afterward.

In hindsight, these incidents were the clearest indication, in adulthood at least, that I had DID. Before my late teens, I didn't remember all that much as a rule.

Do you currently have a therapist?

Hello ShinyPearl12,

Like Johnny-Jack said, we think it's very common for DID to go un-noticed for a long time. Systems are all about stealth, hiding to stay safe, that sort of thing.

We didn't get diagnosed till our late 40s. We were in such deep denial that we didn't even really acknowledge that we had symptoms. Or what we did acknowledge, we downplayed like it was fine or normal.

If you don't already have a therapist we definitely recommend you try to find one who has experience / training specifically with DID, or at least has experience working with trauma.

Good luck.

V1

ShinyPearl12 wrote:So, regardless of DID, I’m going to seek out therapy. I’m just wondering if someone could go undiagnosed this long and have it.

Very functional DID / multiples can spend a big part of their life/s going undiagnosed. Our best friend Team PSI is undiagnosed because functional. We are still undiagnosed, and realized we are multiple only when some of us became co-conscious / co-aware (we thought we were absent-minded and just went through our life/s using an obscene amount of check-lists and planning; we still do, BTW, coz it makes things easier). And another friend of Team PSI and us, got diagnosed into adulthood by sheer luck only (their therapist randomly triggered someone else than the host to show up, by pure chance).

So, yes, one can be multiple and go undiagnosed for a long time.

Hi ShinyPearl 12
Just an example of how long undiagnosed, I was diagnosed at 67 years old, the traumas began at 1 year old. I have, or I guess I have been in a functioning life all those years. Many years an alter or alters have been front. To be diagnosed or not is up to you, I would suggest that a T could possibly guide you on you're journey.
Bill, Sarah and many others

Same here. I'm in my 50s and just figured this out a couple of years ago, and only because I knew I used dissociation to cope (just "regular" depersonalization and derealization), and decided to seek out therapy for it. I had no idea I had parts.

I agree that it's essential to find a therapist with up to date knowledge and experience. Not someone who tells you it's "rare," or who doesn't view all the parts as equally important. Unless they understand how much they don't know and they are willing to learn (that's not ideal, but there aren't very many experts around).

Hi, welcome to forum.

We can't diagnose you in here, and there was not a lot of info about your symptoms in your post to comment on. There was nothing that would definitely rule out DID, but I don't think there is that much things that does rule it out ever. Lacking certain symptoms can rule it out, but having symptoms doesn't. Things you describe do sound possibly dissociative. Maybe keep on reading the forum, and if you find things sounding like the things you experience, it can help you. Just remember that many people in here do have therapy, and have maybe had it for even decades, so if your ability to communicate with your others, or analyze what's going on in you is not there yet, just don't compare too much. This is no competition.

Simple thing you can try, is to answer to people you hear talking in your mind. Just say hi, and wait what happens. Talk to them like you would to someone you get to meet now, but already know you're gonna spend most of your life with. That is the attitude you need to have, to respect them, also when you don't agree. If they can hear you and are willing to talk to you, that's an easy way to start for someone who has clear voices in their mind. Just be prepared emotionally to the possibility they can answer and be their own people, before you do it (if you haven't before). It can be a shock first.

DID is a disorder "designed" to hide things. It hides trauma, either the memories of it or emotions connected to the memories, from those parts of personality who need to be able to take care of normal outside things, like working and taking care of outside children if you have them etc. And after hiding trauma, it also hides itself. Other people don't know what's going on in your mind if you don't tell them about it, and they can't know how you think or feel. Because DID starts at young age, that's the only way you've ever been if you have it. It's very hard to tell if you process thoughts differently from other people or not, because your normal may not be the actual normal.

DID is not easy to spot from outside. That is one of the misconceptions of it, that switches would be drastic and big and obvious for everyone to see. Usually they're not. DID is meant to go under radar. It's there to keep people safe, not make them different and easily targeted. If there are symptoms that you can see from outside, it's usually maybe forgetfulness and that persons seems to be bit moody. But for example in our case, it's same people taking care of outside stuff, our defender who is always close when there's people around has ability to remember long conversations word to word for years afterwards and that is why we are not forgetful. We are not moody either, our trauma is our inability to show real emotions if there's other people around. We know how to appear normal, smile and laugh in right places and act emphatically when someone faces difficulties. That is pretty much the opposite of being moody. Actually we can balance out people that are moody, because we can appear so stable. In other words: we only have diagnose, because we have searched for help ourselves, and then we told what does happen inside our mind, and what happens at home when no one sees.

That is not the whole truth tho. We've had out first psychiatric appointment at age six and we've been having some support for most of our lives. The closest ones do know. But other than family members, no. When we still lived in trauma, we had symptoms people could see. Luckily I didn't trust too much to that help then, If I would've, those people would not have been able to diagnose us correctly. We could've ended up heavily medicated with meds that makes us worse. So it was just depression, anxiety etc.. symptoms, they called diagnoses.

There are people who have always had all kind of symptoms and who feel like finally finding way home when get diagnosed, people like me. When I found the theory of structural dissociation it was the first time anything made sense to me. Theory is not perfect, it doesn't work like that all way thru, but it was still the first thing ever making any sense at all, first time I felt someone could understand me. And there are people that are completely shocked to find out they have DID because they had NO clue what so ever. Usually then there's also some hard core denial going on then, ways to explain symptoms being something all people have by normalizing them etc. Sometimes to the point it gets actually bit funny.

When you read things about DID and read the forum, just remember you don't have to have ALL symptoms there can be. There are many symptoms that are possible to have when you have DID, but they are not needed in order for it to be DID. Usually people think hearing voices is something you need to have, but it's not true. Some people have it, some don't. If you have it, you can have DID or something else. What's important is to know if there are other identities living in the same body with you. That is the difference between severe dissociation disorders and other conditions.

Seek out for help anyway. And try to find someone who believes DID is true. Someone who does not believe it, can not recognize it if that's what you have, or rule it out either.

You can do online tests yourself too. They're not diagnostic, you can score low with DID or high without DID, it's just one tool to measure symptoms. There's a link to online test somewhere in this forum, but I can't search it for you now, because I don't remember what it's called, (I'm blending with Lucas I think and he doesn't know DID stuff). Maybe someone else can find the link for you, to the thread in here or to that test.

Best advice we can give is to look inside. All answers are in you, when you just know what to look for. Do reach inside, find help from outside, but don't think this forum or any therapist can cure you, you need to do it yourself. I don't mean you shouldn't go to therapy, I do recommend it, I just mean that in there T will teach you to look inside of you and you're the one doing the work. They can't do it for you, us in here can't either. Some people look for help from outside too much, but it won't lead them anywhere. Listen to yourselves, all of you, you are the ones with all answers to your questions. We can't know if you have parts or not, they do. So ask from right places if you want results and improvement, and be brave enough to listen to the answers too. It's all in your mind. It doesn't mean it's not real, that is where it's supposed to be. It's just important to realize that is where it all is, because looking inside is the thing all people with dissociation disorders tend to avoid. We want our answers elsewhere, because in inside are the things that hurt.

We hope this was helpful and you find what you're looking for from here.

Floralie (mostly)

Thank you all for what you’ve said. It’s comforting to know there’s a forum for this. I’m not seeing a therapist now. There’s a website I found... think it was called NAMI ... because I was looking for someone specifically aware of DID.

That was a wonderful suggestion made about asking questions to my voices. Something I didn’t mention before, but sometimes there’s something like a melody in my head, especially when I’m stressed. It repeats over and over until the stress goes away.

floralie that was very helpful.