Third affair SO DID, how to stop this from happening?

Last week my SO with DID confessed that she had an emotional affair with a guy in the gym. This is the third time (2 years ago was the last). We are together for 14 years now and have two kids (twins both 4 yo).

The last two times is have forgiven her because I know I'm not perfect and I know it can be hard to live with someone with Asperger's. Sometimes I need to have some time for myself since I'm working full-time and we have some tough little toddlers which can be very demanding. Though over the last couple of years I've learned to adept and show her my appreciation and love even more, though she still thinks it's not enough. Another fact is that an alter does not like me or the fact that we are being married. He/she told me that she deserves her own life, and I think this is part of the reason why those affairs happen + not being happy with who I am.

The host says that he can't control her when she is becoming strong in her emotions and can't promise that these affairs won't happen again.

When I asked her why she did not leave me in the first place she answers that she loves me very much and can't live without me and that I'm an angel because I'm a good person.

We are trying marriage counseling, but if I may be honest I don't know how I can ever trust her again.
My love for her goes very far, but on the other side I'm afraid how hard I even try, that alter still does not want to be married to me so affairs and destructive behavior will keep on happening.

At times I'm empty and just can't give no more. And now after being betrayed for third time I'm just so devastated. Though I'm afraid to move on because she sometimes let me feel that I should be happy with her, because no wife and even her therapist could not live with someone who has Asperger's..

This situation is having an impact on my own mental health, but on the other side I don't want to leave her behind because I really love her and know that she has alters that love me dearly.

Any advice?

The marriage councelling sounds like a good idea. All the member of your SO's system need to follow the same rules, and to respect your boundaries.

If your boundaries include, you need your SO's whole system to remain faithful to you, then, either your SO can respect your boundaries, or you need to talk about it to find a solution.

Your SO's system need to work on that with you. All of the system. Not just the one who loves you.

Good luck. It's not easy. But I understand that you need your boundaries to be respected.

--Zami--

ArbreMonde wrote:The marriage councelling sounds like a good idea. All the member of your SO's system need to follow the same rules, and to respect your boundaries.

If your boundaries include, you need your SO's whole system to remain faithful to you, then, either your SO can respect your boundaries, or you need to talk about it to find a solution.

Your SO's system need to work on that with you. All of the system. Not just the one who loves you.

Good luck. It's not easy. But I understand that you need your boundaries to be respected.

--Zami--

Something we try to remember- even if ONE PART of a system does something, EVERYONE bears the guilt- in the "we're ONE system" sense. An affair by a part is, hard as it is for others that didn't wanna do it to like accept, an affair by the SYSTEM... kinda the bummer part of like being so connected and being "one" like that.

There's the advantages of being different people when you need it, diff parts out when you all need it, but there's the disadvantage, too, that all of you are ONE and all are accountable to each other, and other ppl in your life AS ONE.

{\Pixie/}

This has been on my mind this week. Probably as I’m a mostly functioning Aspie myself.

1. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.
2. DID or not, that’s fairly irrelevant. If she’s cheated 3 times, she will almost certainly do it again.
3. I hear that you feel betrayed and have had your trust broken. You also aren’t as interested in physical intimacy from what you have said. So, in all seriousness, what about the affair is most upsetting? Where I’m leading here is a question. Would you be happier being married if she had an open relationship? (With agreed upon terms etc.) Would knowing keep trust? It’s not for everyone and I don’t think it would work with my wife and I, but it could be worth some thought for your situation.