Family Member Suicide Attempt

Una+ wrote:Zor, is she your niece by blood? Stop and think. How did you get to have DID? What goes on in your family of origin that you are not clued into? What could be going on in the rest of the family?

Do not assume you have any idea why she is suicidal. That is beyond presumptuous and could make her even more suicidal than she is already by increasing her feelings of alienation and despair.

What you could do that would be most likely to help is to disclose to her medical team that you are her uncle and you have a diagnosis of DID.

Not an uncle by blood, no.

As for assumption... it wasn't so assumptive as we know that she told her dad and step-mom (my sister in-law) just before the trip to Orlando this past week about being Bi... wore a shirt about how no one should live in a closet ever one day there... got mostly props for it as far as I could tell (if it came up at all)... and there was a comment from sis in-law that it was a "point of stress" for her, for B, for the family... I am not sure how B's mom feels about it, but she was only there 2 nights since getting home (she is back and forth, a week with her dad, a week with her mom) when she did this (last night).

I am still not quite as sold as Pixie is on telling her- and certainly have NO interest to give a lot of detail or explanation... more just an assurance that being "different" is NOT wrong or something to be ashamed of.

And why would it matter about me being DID if she was a blood relative. It's not chemical or genetic like other mental health issues can be... what relevance would that have? Not sure I follow what you mean there.

It's still a big assumption.

Una+ wrote:Do not assume you have any idea why she is suicidal. That is beyond presumptuous and could make her even more suicidal than she is already by increasing her feelings of alienation and despair.

I agree with this. You really have no idea what is going on in her life. She's been through one divorce and is now maybe heading toward another? That's the first thing I would think of. It's very stressful for kids to live with parents who are fighting all the time. Things are pretty bad if they're fighting that openly. Also, didn't you say that they kept "ditching" the kids, and leaving them with you?

Or maybe someone broke up with her. Or someone said something cruel on social media. You don't know at all. I would keep anything about you out of it.

But I don't agree with the suggestion to tell people at the hospital about your diagnosis.

Probably a minority opinion but we'd say stay vague about the diagnosis. Maybe say depression as that relates to her feelings. Talk about the secrecy etc. DID brings too many questions you may not want to delve into with her. Like why did you developed it, abusers etc. If you bring it up, you can hardly justify not being completely open with her. Don't know her, so don't know if she would take it as you have something worse than her, she would respect your privacy decisions, or she would think you are unable to help. Depression is common for DID, often requires secrecy, opens channels of communication.

But go with what you feel is best. It 's hard on everyone but put the focus on her. She is young & can have a wonderful life ahead of her. Help her learn to deal with this unfair thing called life.

I agree with the "provide support without being too specific". She is in a rough place, and might not be able to handle somebody else's peculiarities if she has difficulties handling hers.

Maybe more something along the lines of "I was in that dark place too, and then I realized, the anger I had towards myself, was in reality an anger towards the world." Tell her that it is not right to judge people for who they are. That by existing she does nothing wrong. That she has the right to exist and be herself and be happy.

I guess it's what she needs to hear right now. Even if she says "no" as an answer, your words will sink deep into her soul.

Thank you for caring about her.

--Zami--

Hi Zor & Pixie,

We're glad your niece is ok and being looked after.

IMHO best thing would be to just let her know you're there for her. No need to mention anything else, no did stuff, nothing else.

V2

With DID there's a real culture of hiding it. We hide it constantly from ourselves at first, from those closest to us and from (of course) the outside world.

I've been thinking about the nature of this. I let psychiatrists label me with five different diagnosis because all of them seem less "crazy" than DID. This time in being in contact with psychiatrists I'm going to tell them straight "you're wrong" I've got to a point where I have no choice, because I want help with what's actually wrong with me now.

Back to the nature of hiding. My bf is like the opposite to Zors wife. He is in everyone's face trying to tell them "she has DID" Of course I look at him confused, like what are you saying this for, are you crazy? But I'm starting to look at this from the hiding culture perspective.

My bf has no shame about it, because it's not his disorder, but also because he looks at it differently from me. He looks at it like it's not "crazy" or anything to be ashamed of. Just him seeing it as not "crazy" helps. Because I'm starting to see it isn't actually that crazy, personality didn't unify at an early age due to abuse so there's more than one personality. Not crazy. They have different identities due to trying to protect against abuse, not crazy. Some are stuck at different ages because of abuse, not crazy.

The hiding is also due to abuse having to be hidden. Emotional and psychological abuse can not very clearly be verbalised - at all - I've tried loads of times but words do not communicate the impact they have. Physical and SA have to be kept secret because that's what the victim is programmed to do. In varying ways. I was brought up to be terrified of police for example. If you're also fractured or unified in personality you have no chance to verbalise things anyway but put that with fear of authority and you're never telling anyone anything even if you're the part that knows what's going on because "authorities are dangerous" It's calculated, cold, isolation of a human being that is being abused.

So due to abuse, due to having hide our personalities, due to it being mostly considered "crazy" to be more than one person in one body, we hide in varying shames about the whole situation. We don't tell anyone about abuse and we don't tell anyone we have different personalities.

I feel like I want to embrace it all how my bf embraces it. "This is what it is. This is why. So???" But when it comes to those moments I shrink.

With this particular question of do you tell your niece.. you've told others and had varying reactions. My heart says tell her, be vulnerable, because being vulnerable allows other to also be vulnerable and she might be able to open up to you. You could be a support for whatever is going on with her. It's a chance to really be there for someone and with honesty about yourself. My head says different.. my head says "what good would exposing your vulnerability do really" "how will help" "she might not open up anyway" "she might judge" "you can talk to her without sharing your own stuff"

It's like everything in life, a gamble. What it boils down to, imo, is whether or not you feel your niece is worth that gamble? To throw away the what ifs, open up to her and see if she opens up back.

The next thing I'd be prepared for is what if she has had a severe trauma and she tells you. It may be that she's Bi or it could be something entirely different so the other thing to consider is how will you cope with it if she discloses something really difficult?

Much luck

I definitely agree with not assuming anything and not bringing anything yours, or some else's business into it. Since teen we did plenty of stuff for people to see we feel bad. Sometimes suicide attempts are really about giving up and they will try soon again and are not happy to be rescued, they can be in any kind of trouble they don't know way out. It can be something big too, the kind you need polices involved, anything. Don't say you know you've been there, if you don't know have you really.

Sometimes attempts are cry for help, and to be seen. Don't do anything that takes away the to be seen -part. If you tell how many people have same thing, well, for us it feels trivializing HER. Like.. this is something normal, I've been there too, like it's not special enough. And if she is trying wake up adults around her, it means it was not enough. People are telling straight to her face it was not enough but something that's normal to those adults.

Nowadays we don't need to cut anymore for us to know we are feeling bad and show other people the same. It's enough we use bandages for no other than mental reason. If our T sees bandages on us, she sees someone is feeling self destructive, because they're not seen enough. It was not a long time ago someone started hurting body and I knew it just because of bruising etc I found. So T tell the one, who ever it was, they're seen now, and I put on bandages to show I saw it too. And they stopped. So few bruises were enough. "I have that too" for that underage part, would mean you aren't doing stuff severe enough.

It's ALL about the one who hurts themself, no one else. They need someone who understands them, but understanding is to realize they were ready to die. Not to tell there's lot of people who have those thoughts and have made attempts too. Understanding is to listen to their reasons, and realize it's big enough for them to wanna die. So never tell that is no reason to die, we can fix it. You can fix it, and do, but what you do tells more than words you say. This can be very different to different people, but for us words don't mean anything. You ask my mom, I'm hugely loved, more important that anything else can ever be in her life. Yet in reality she chooses dad and alcohol instead of me, and has done it since I was a baby. So I don't trust words, if someone loves me, I see it from their decisions. It can be that for her words do give comfort, but those words need to be about her, not what someone else feels. In my case, not even love someone claims they have.

There are many people who promise to be on your side after dramatic incident like that. Most or all of them are lying. They will see who actually are there after month, two months, six moths etc for real, and who said it to say something that sounds nicely comforting to their own ears. "You can always contact me if you're feeling bad" is one of those sentences without any meaning too. Kids and teens don't contact adults they are not close with. It's adults job to make the relationship the kind where they make an effort to actually know what's going on in their lives, and that is a long term thing. Someone underage can not be responsible of being the one who builds meaningful relationship with an adult, ever.

You know what kind of relationship you have with her. Don't make it something else in the way you talk. If you have been inpatient or done something else not-adult-like, say you are sorry. Just don't lie.

Someone inside is feeling really strongly about this. I won't sign because I don't have name for the one whose thoughts there really were. Someone underage anyway, who has experience. So read this knowing it's coming from someone underage who talks about their own experience.

We can't read the mind of your niece or know what helps her, we know what we have experienced.

ArbreMonde wrote:I agree with the "provide support without being too specific". She is in a rough place, and might not be able to handle somebody else's peculiarities if she has difficulties handling hers.

Maybe more something along the lines of "I was in that dark place too, and then I realized, the anger I had towards myself, was in reality an anger towards the world." Tell her that it is not right to judge people for who they are. That by existing she does nothing wrong. That she has the right to exist and be herself and be happy.

I guess it's what she needs to hear right now. Even if she says "no" as an answer, your words will sink deep into her soul.

Thank you for caring about her.

--Zami--

I like that even better- just a vague "I've been in a bad place" kind of thing. Going to talk to Pixie about going this route.

-- Wed Sep 25, 2019 8:34 am --

Sarandipity, Floralie - I saw your long replies and thank you for them. They both give us a lot to think about and I tend to agree with you both on holding back on our stuff (no matter how much Pixie disagrees on the surface- give it a little time).

I think Pixie's initial desire was b/c inside she did something similar, pills even... long before I knew of them as part of the same whole as "me"... b/c she was in a dark place, alone, isolated, and felt no one knew that shame and suffering... and I think her reaction is emotional, remembering that hurt and not wanting others to feel that way, as B clearly does so deeply (to do what she did).

Fortunately it's unclear when we'll get to see her, since she's under observation and pending a social worker visit to determine the next step for her- could be to a psych ward for a time with or without visitation for us... we'll have to wait and see... but this delay in being able to go back is good in that it lets us think, have this discussion with all of you here, and for Pixie's emotional reaction to have time to settle a little so we don't do anything rash.

Thanks, everyone.

Zor wrote:And why would it matter about me being DID if she was a blood relative. It's not chemical or genetic like other mental health issues can be... what relevance would that have? Not sure I follow what you mean there.

Your family contains hidden abuse and you have proof of that. In many cases, abuse is not a one-time thing, one relative on one relative, it's systemic. In my family and in that of many posters here, physical, psychological and sexual abuse occurred to many family members and there was more than one perpetrator. Others were enablers, even if their excuse is "I didn't know" or "I couldn't have done anything."

In terms of your wife, in my opinion based on your reports, her replies to your needs seem ignorant, certainly, but they also sound willfully ignorant and possibly aggressively ignorant. Following on Una's comment, my question is whether there is any hidden abuse of any kind in her extended family of which you're not yet aware.

I don't want to put ideas into your head that have no merit, but I imagine this may have crossed your mind. People with highly dysfunctional families, which includes those with hidden abuse, tend to find comfort with others who are like them.

All evidence I have points to widespread abuse on both sides of my own family. I'm not saying that's the case for both your and your wife's families. It may well be just as you guessed, teen depression/confusion over sexual orientation. But a serious suicide attempt exponentially raises the need to provide the best support possible for a vulnerable young person. And knowledge should help inform you what kind of support will be most effective.

I wanted to say something like Johnny Jack but I was too frightened of saying it wrong and I couldn't of said it better than Johnny Jack said.