Who's out thread

Karen was out yesterday for part of the day. She has definitely regressed.

I want to try to keep a thread of who's out. Trying to remember it, which I believe I can, I realise is unrealistic. I can remember yesterday right now because I'm half asleep. Everyday I get up and have a decaf coffee (gave up caffeine) and sit and think "what happened yesterday" and remember key things, I've done that for years, but often it does not keep "who was there" in my brain and only sometimes keeps stuff I should remember so I'm making a thread I can use every morning.

It felt like she could go back up in age momentarily but couldn't hold her self there and slipped back down to about age 7-8 which is when she is first remembered by Beth. I don't get a sense that Karen existed before age 7- 8.

It's sort of inconvenient Because she was a key functioning adult. I think the regression was caused by traumatic life trauma that happened as an adult before she disappeared for years. She came back a couple of years ago but has not been so "in the body" and when she tried recently it somehow made her regress and she can't "grow up to the body age" for more than a moment and she slips back down.

I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I also wanted to note that No-one was out briefly when Beth was here the other day and wasn't coping with the bf. She made dinner.

I woke up with the overwhelming feeling "I do not want to go back to work" I questioned "would a different work environment help" and the answer was "no" it feels like nobody wants anything to do with that trade now. Which isn't unusual because that's what usually happens after a hospital admission, everything changes and we do something else. Which isn't ideal because we have to start all over again at something and it takes years. I think I need to break that pattern perhaps. Why we got into this trade had nothing to do with us in many ways, we saw it as a hobby and by outside influences, mostly our son - long story - we ended up qualified and working at it.

I don't know. It's not entirely true that we change path due to hospital admission, last admission we carried on as we were except taking up the hobby that we now work in. We carried on doing the work we were doing which was like a hobby in it's self. I dunno it's so difficult to work out what's going on with me and fit that to what to do. I think the previous "me" would of known, maybe she'll show up when it comes to the work meeting and the people who go to work which was mostly Patrick, Peter and No-one will take over. I'm getting anxiety now and I don't usually have that as a problem.

Obsidian

Today I've felt half asleep all day. It feels like Paul and Beth have been close but not fully present. It's difficult to remember the art group I went to so I'm not sure who did that or who went to a shop.

It's been another "blow" day from my mother though. She told the children's father to pay maintenance money directly to my children when I was in hospital so obviously he listened to her and obviously the children spent it on sweets. I only just noticed because I keep the money in a separate account and where I'm on statutory sick pay I went to the account thinking I could put it towards my rent this but it's not there.

My children, who are 12 and 14, should not have been put in this situation. It's not their fault. I did wonder how they were buying so many sweets but I thought their dad gave them extra pocket money.

So that's probably why I'm not really with it today. Every time there's some kind of continuation of the abuse by my parents it's shuts me down. There's nothing I can do about it. Children can't uneat sweets. So it's just another added struggle.

Nearly didn't see this. Just me today, no others. Haven't done much, went to get breakfast in pub, eggs royal with bf and then played a Christmas game until I scored 3 stars on each level. Karen. - oh and watched TV with bf. And coloured and drew a picture.

Still feel half asleep. It's like I can't wake up properly without an alter. None that are available feel appealing to me. Beth is near by but there's stuff to do and she can't go to crowded places. Paul is near by but he has no patience.

I can't fully wake up. It feels like I'm in-between being "me" "Obsidian" and me (who's usually out here who's going to call herself "Melusine" because we both use the body name at that's been confusing).

I suppose that it would make sense that it'd take us days to switch places. I'm centrally placed internally usually and she's centrally placed out here. Alters go back and forth, we usually do not.

I don't think either of us are comfortable yet switching back. I'm worried she'll get stressed and do things she's not ready to do yet - try to do too much. It feels like she doesn't want to be here either but it's necessity of going back to work.

It's a nice kind of tired feeling. The kind where you can just doze off. It's not a horrible tired or exhausted tired. It's a peaceful, chilled out feeling. I'll just get on with the day like this, maybe with Paul and perhaps I won't even be here by tomorrow. Obsidian

I haven't done this today - all week - but it seems a good idea.

I know this week Paul and Mandy have been around. Karen definitely. Communication with the overlord and a fight over the body with No-one which I "won"

I think that's it but it is probably a good idea to do this daily. I think there's also written and computer journal. I should add to or glance at them. I don't feel like reading these but I got the general gist I'll have a look. Lapis Lazuli

So I read it. Obsidian seems to be as much knowledgeable as I am. There's always a wake up what's happened yesterday.

I know the general gist of what's been going on while I've been away, it's only be two months so it's not that difficult. Karen has regressed, Beth still has issues with the bf. The only difference I think between me and Obsidian alter wise is I don't need alters to feel awake. They come and go, there's definitely some micro switching happening that I wasn't previously aware of, I don't know who that is each time but maybe it's Obsidian.

I have a level of stress that I consider necessary. I'm motivated to move life forward basically. Put in for flexible working hours. If I don't get them I will immediately start getting work self employed. I'm getting an email today about if they accept my proposed hours. I applied for some benefit help from the government due to starting to get behind with bills - Obsidian did nothing about that for 3 months! It's ok because I stay ahead so I'll just scrape by with a bit of luck.

Haven't seen Beth but I guess that's normal as she's struggling with bf and I don't need alters in daily life.

I don't have confusion over what to do. I do what's obvious and necessary. So it's ok. Lapis Lazuli

Had a rough night last night. Yesterday went to a support group, just a general support group for all mental health. It was the first one, it was pretty light and not triggering I thought.

But last night I was awake at 3.30am. I was itching, scratched and bruised myself. This morning I asked the bf. I remembered I was upset, I realised how much my "parents" never cared about me. Like it really sunk in. They didn't care when I was a child and now they do things that prove how little they care - all the stuff that happened while I was in hospital plus a few days ago my "father" was outside my house laughing and waving - which even if I thought my child was crazy and lieing about me I wouldn't do that, I would be trying to be helpful somehow even if that meant staying away or even insisting they speak to police so I could answer whatever was said. But he isn't, he was outside laughing and waving.

My mother came to the hospital to see what I was saying, not to see if I was ok and everything she did was to put added stress. From stopping my bank accounts to saying things to childcare social services (I don't know what she said because it wasn't in the report as there is proven history she lies to them about me). She had phoned saying I was seen walking around town naked and needed meds but luckily I was with my bf when she made that call so it was known to be lies. They tried to turn him against me and when that didn't work they also tried to attack him through authorities. So all that says how much they really do not give a f about me. They only care about protecting themselves and keeping their lives ok and don't care.

That all sunk in plus how badly I was treated as a child. And I couldn't understand it, why? I was crying. I remembered that.

The bf records if I'm really not myself and he'd recorded me. He said I needed to go to the toilet but needed help going down stairs and that I was in pain in my feet and couldn't walk. I get bad pain in my feet. I listened to some of it and I was just saying singular words and he was trying to get me to go to sleep. It's upsetting to hear it. I don't know who that was that was in pain and couldn't walk very well and couldn't speak much, kept repeating phrases over and over.

So today I was letting myself rest because the bf said I was awake before 3.30am, I didn't go to sleep in the first place. I don't know how long it took me to sleep when I "woke up" at 3.30 but it was a while because of the itching.

I had an errand to run today so I had to do that. Paul pretty much did that and Patrick. I just tested and didn't do much. Karen was here too a bit today. I feel sad and tired still. Watching TV hurts my eyes but I think that's from the sobbing, I know I was sobbing and I knew went downstairs but I didn't realise until the bf told me that he helped me walk downstairs and I was in pain. I guess it's stressful on the body so I'm letting myself rest.

Lapis Lazuli

-- Fri Sep 27, 2019 3:02 pm --

I meant to say I think it might of been the support group that triggered it because there was alot of talk about family. Which at the time didn't bother me at all. I just spoke about my children. But alot of the group had some problems or other with their families. I think talking about my children and listening to these other people made it sink in how much I wasn't cared for at all and that obviously came out when I was asleep but wasn't asleep ... So going to sleep I guess it started to go round in my head and caused a switch as I drifted off.