Even more? Feel as if I'm losing my mind again

What Viola says makes a lot of sense in my opinion. After all, I DO keep a lot of rotten and mouldy things away from the fronters, and even away from most of the rest of the innards. Insiders? Residents. Therefore, for a fronter do go back into that pile of mess, makes no sense because it would be dangerous for the system's balance.

Since you seem to have lost inside communication, maybe it would be more important to start to re-built that first? I dont know... I wish I could wave a magical wand and make everything better.

~Theia~

//it is important that you keep yourself safe, as one of the main fronts. aknowledging that the deepest layers need help is one thing. putting everything in jeopardy to go there yourself is another thing. therefore i agree with viola's analysis. there is wisdom in the system. if the system works that way it's because it's more functional that way. keep the front running through the storm and delegate inside work to insiders.//

//Ulysses//

I agree with the idea of focusing more on your outside life, at least to keep the basics going--are you working? Eating? Getting enough sleep? Taking time to do activities that people like?

Staying grounded is important. Also, it's important to find a new T if you've decided that your current one isn't helping you. It sounds like there's been a big disconnect between you and the T and that you've tried to tell them about it and they haven't tried to fix it. So that would be something important to focus on. You need someone to help your system deal with your loss. I don't know if your father was one of your abusers, or "only" neglected your emotional needs when you were growing up--but all of that can make grief much more complicated, and I think your system needs help to process everything and to get back to being more stable.

About not remembering the inner world: I solely lived in the inner world for as long as I could remember. I didn't know who I was when I came out of hospital, which I kept to myself other than mentioning it here and telling my bf. He asked "who are you" which he does alot, other mostly tell him or make him guess. I had to say "I'm me. I don't know who I am right now" I posted here and a couple of things triggered my memory. I remembered coming to the body just over 6 months ago, knowing I was in the "outside world" and having a bit of a chance to get used to it. Then was hospitalised and after hospital I just didn't know who I was.

For me it feels sort of "normal" to know I was inside and now I'm out here. I grew with the body internally. I was only in the body for approx 6 months, yes there was a crisis, but I think the body does that. It makes you forget. You have to take in the outside, reality. There's alot to learn and get used to. The internal world becomes irrelevant, reality takes over and the internal world becomes a dream. Even though it was my reality it's become a dream. I can't imagine going back there permanently but perhaps I will.

So I think the body does it, you have to take in so much stuff out here. So it's not necessarily that someone wiped your memory of being internal, it can just happen.

Thank you....to All of you....for your replies! I greatly appreciate them!



I think...... I might have figured out a major part of why we're having the "Brain fog" lately (I think one of us mentioned about that before). I'm not 100% sure.....being that I was wrong about it before. I originally thought it was coming from the Shadow world. Then I thought.....maybe it was coming from having to go to our T (That plays a major part in making it worse). My new thought....is that it's coming from one of the "new" three.

Weirdo was "out" for awhile.....then the "brain fog" came. He got pushed back into the inner world. Somehow this "brain fog" does that. Everyone seemed to be held back. Everyone.....except Bandit and myself. So we could tell what was going on. The "leader" of the three took over for awhile. Maybe a show of power? Either that.....or he took advantage of the "brain fog" to do so. It seems really strange though that everyone.....BUT....us was blocked. They want my attention the most.

I feel really crazy again. Bad denial is striking.

I would write more......but....I don't feel so good right now. Hopefully....I'll feel better later. The "brain fog" is still lingering. It's not as bad as it was....which is strange....since those guys went somewhere else. I honestly think they are only doing that to get my attention. I also think they are doing that..... so that they can talk to me only. Shocking that they included Bandit this time though. Bandit said he knows those guys.... (supposedly from a long time ago). He says they're trouble.

Severe headache. UGH!

I just want to mention...... that these three "new" guys (I mentioned).....are now coming over multiple times a day to bother me. They keep wanting me to help them with something.....in their world. I have no clue what that is. They want to "show" me what it is.....when I get there. That's creepy. Mainly because they refuse to tell me what it is. If they would tell me.....then maybe I could figure out a way to get them the help they want.

They are just being plain creepy. It's the way they are acting. One of them handed me a VHS tape..... in the "main" inner world. Yondu saw them hand it to me. So did David. That's creepy. It had no label on it at all. I gave it back to them. I have no clue what was on it......nor did I want to see. I don't trust them. Who knows what was on there. They laughed about it. They thought it was funny.... that I handed it back.

I honestly don't think they are going to stop bothering me.....unless I go to their world. BUT there's no guarantee that will make them happy either. I can't say for certain.....BUT....I think maybe they helped cause my severe headache. I started to get it when they showed up. It got a lot worse then (after they left).

I don't know. I do know that.....I was told.....that part of my "role" (in our system)....is peacekeeper. Weirdo is taking care of a lot of things. He's actually the "host" more than me....lately. I think part of that.....is because.....I don't feel like it (being host). I'm still grieving. A lot of us are. Weirdo is taking care of our body. He's being a great "host".

I just feel crazy. Severe denial. Those three guys aren't helping anything. They're making me feel crazy.....the way they are acting.

I am very proud of you that you are standing your ground against them. You are the one who decides if you go there or not. They cannot make you.

You have all right to send the inside's security system after them if they bother you too much.

Your role in the system is whatever you want it to be right now. Also, "keeping peace" sometimes means "putting nasty people back in their place". You have the right to be angry at them for bothering you. Whatever happened in their part of the inner world, is their responsibility to explain and say what kind of help they need.

You have the right to ask other system members for help dealing with these guys.

Keep standing your ground! You are stronger than you think.

--Zami--

Ponyta wrote:They are just being plain creepy. It's the way they are acting. One of them handed me a VHS tape..... in the "main" inner world. Yondu saw them hand it to me. So did David. That's creepy. It had no label on it at all. I gave it back to them. I have no clue what was on it......nor did I want to see. I don't trust them. Who knows what was on there. They laughed about it. They thought it was funny.... that I handed it back.

I think you should have taken the tape and then let some of the strong ones around you watch it first to see if it was safe. It could have been something nasty as a traumamemory on the tape, but it could just as well have been something they wanted to show you that they want help with.

Thank you....Zami and TeddyBear the helper.....for your reply! I greatly appreciate it!

TeddyBear the helper wrote:
I think you should have taken the tape and then let some of the strong ones around you watch it first to see if it was safe. It could have been something nasty as a traumamemory on the tape, but it could just as well have been something they wanted to show you that they want help with.

I originally thought about giving it to Yondu.....but I quickly changed my mind. I had....and still have....a horrible feeling about what was on the tape. I feel it had to do with the inner world only. Maybe I'm just paranoid....BUT....I feel something really inappropriate was on it (Based on how they are creeping me out). Also due to what they told me a few days ago. I rather not say what that was.....I didn't even tell anyone in the inner world. It just creeped me out too bad. I don't know what these guys are trying to do exactly.



Yondu says they seem to be using some kind of psychological "mind-tricks" on me.

Oh.....and if that wasn't bad enough.....someone is now pretending to be someone they're not. I thought I was talking to Weirdo.....BUT...."he" said something Weirdo wouldn't say. I realized it wasn't him. "He" claimed it was. I asked "him" a question...... only the real Weirdo would know. "He" had no clue what the right answer was. Apparently I'm not the only one "he" (this shape-shifter).....tried to fool. Ridiculous.

I just don't know. I feel extremely confused lately. I also feel as if I'm totally losing my mind.

UGH! I hate this headache issue. I'm getting another severe headache again. I had one last night too.

Those three guys are still causing problems. I met their friend. He is a troublemaker too. He pretended to be Weirdo. His name is Mimic. He is a shape-shifter. Mimic also pretended to be Bandit today. All four of them are causing inner chaos. UGH!

I wish we could figure things out. I just don't know what they want yet......other then them demanding I come to their world.

In a way.....I feel bad about refusing the VHS....BUT.....with the way they're acting.....I highly doubt it was anything "helpful" on it. Who knows though. Maybe. They are trying to mess with my mind. I don't know why.

We aren't doing good. Everything is an utter mess. Problems from the Shadow world haven't been solved yet. Now we're having even more problems with this "new world area". All I know is....four guys from there are causing problems.

I don't know what to do first. I was helping a few of the guys with the Shadow world issues......but now we've been sidetracked. All of the protectors have their hands full right now. It's just an utter mess.

I don't even feel right.....right now. I feel as if I want to rip my hair out right now. WAY TOO MUCH going on lately. UGH!


I think we need to solve the problems with the Shadow world first........then try to help with the "new" area. The only problem is......these new guys are demanding immediate attention. They are insisting that I come with them. They only want me.

I kinda feel like maybe I know what they want now......but I'm not 100% sure. I could be completely wrong. I can't risk asking because of how they are.....especially if I'm wrong.

In the inner world......I'm more worried about protecting my friends. One of the guys got into a fight with Weirdo today. Plus....if that's not bad enough......one of them targeted a young one. To be specific.....it was one of my inner world children. It seems they are targeting those close to me......to get my attention....or something.

It's probably best that I just give in.....and go to their world with them. I don't want them hurting my inner friends. I'm especially worried about my inner world children. Bandit is guarding them the best he can. Luckily....Yondu and David are helping too.