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[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jul 21, 2021 12:55 pm

Lots of stuff happened, some good, some bad.

We are taking part in organized outings with other disabled people and it's nice. People are curious about us being trans but in a respectful way. In a genuinely curious and willing to learn way. A bit "cis-lost" because a femboys are a bit uncommon and a TRANS femboy is even more uncommon, but we know how to explain that "Hey everybody is different and you see, you dress that way because it makes you feel good and it's AWESOME and me I do the same" and they are like "OOOOOH makes sense! :D " It's nice.

We had a little bit of time of the workman2 for the kitchen, on further inspection he did not do stuff properly, moreover some aspects of the work require a specialized electrician. He left some of the furniture in the middle of the way and when one fell flat on its face breaking all the drawer handles, we messaged him and he said it was our fault.

So now in september we have to manage: meeting with attorneys regarding workman1 and the bookcase; meeting with some disability worker to see what can be done about workman2 and the kitchen and the appartment as a whole because we clearly are not able to manage organizing this by ourselves; finding a way to refuse that workman2 keeps on messing further with the kitchen (he left it halfway done because hey, vacation time!); vet visits for the cat's kidney issues; and our own medic visits for different reasons with different people.

Atop of that!!!

We have access to disability coverage for some of our disability-linked doctor appointments. We calculated that we can cosily fit in 2 to 4 therapist appointment for dissociation within what they allow us every month.

Or so we thought.

Okay I'll not give the real numbers but simplified ones just so you have an idea.

We have the right to 29 moniez a month of disability therapies. One dissociation therapy is 4 moniez. Our T can fit us up to twice a month that is 4 to 8 moniez a month. We cannot afford it of course but if it is covered by disability stuff it's okay.

Disability stuff said that they give us FUDGETON OF MONIEZ for our therapies. We were like, what, that much?

And in small prints it said: FUDGETON over a 10 years period means 1 moniez per month for the next 10 years.

Which means we still need to pay 3 to 7 moniez per month for dissociation therapy. Which we cannot afford because we need to save 8 moniez a month for transition surgeries and the savings are for the kitchen and everything else in the appartment.

Knowing that we already lost a bit less than 55 moniez with everything related to workman1 and 105 moniez with the kitchen. That's 160 moniez LOST from our savings because we are too disabled to be able to properly assess people and their nature and their work.

And what does the disability funds offer us?

ONE moniez per month.

ONE.

Of course it can be explained by a lot of things. Budget restrictions. Misunderstanding regarding what we need the therapy for. Putting us in the wrong box for "how much moniez to give" and making mistakes. Systemic ableism. Having specific boxes such as "autism therapy is 1 moniez a month for everybody, take it or leave it" and they cannot change the rules.

It still feels like a mockery.

So now we ALSO have less than 1 month to meet with dissociation therapist, psychiatrist and maybe social workers? So we can gather papers explaining that no it is NOT "autism therapy", yes we need it absolutely, no we cannot pay the remaining 3 to 7 moniez a month, please cover all the moniez we can send all the papers of everything we pay if needed but please please please cover all the moniez.

So we were there yesteday reading and re-reading the letter about the "one moniez a month" and we were beyond annoyed. So we decided that, hey, let's do some YouTube to distract ourselves!

We ended up triggered by a comment directed at us. We had commented on a video about consent that if someone says "consent is bad because it keeps me from taking pleasure" it means the someone is a bad person. Commenter left a wall of text that came from the same mindset than a lot of abuse and gaslighting we've been through from most of our past abusers.

Had we been in a better place mentally and emotionally, we would have been able to shrug it off as "abusers gotta abuse" and stepped back in order to stay safe from what further stuff could be thrown at us.

But we were not in a good place to begin with.

We spent roughly two hours unanchored, ruminating, facing flashbacks and flashfowards (imagining what awful repetitions of abuse could happen in the future), trying to comfort each-others through the difficult emotions (e.g. David brewed us some tea and gave us a cool shower in the physical world, Lust gave hot cocoa and comforting blankets to everybody in the Innerworld...). We tried to distract ourselves with some nice funny video but... YouTube was triggering because "this is where mean comments happen", Netflix was triggering because "this is what one abuser was always watching", putting on a DVD was triggering because "the DVD player we got from an abuser", watching a video from the computer was triggering because "the video player we have on the computer it is an abuser who taught us how to use it" and we had trouble finding some nice music to put on the phone because "this album we listened to when this abuser was around... this one, another abuser yelled at us because he did not like that we liked it..." and so on.

It was AWFUL through and through. Everywhere we looked around we saw traces and connexions to our abusers. Everything was triggering. We were not in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to dare trying new things (musics etc) but everything else was tainted by trauma-related and abusers-related memories.

We ended up playing a card game puzzle on the phone in order to try to put our rational brain back in tracks and tune down our inner emotional triggered over reactions.

Then it hit us. I mean it really hit me and G/Hosties the most I guess.

This is what we used to do like. All. The. Time. When we were younger. Well we still do it but it started very early during childhood. Every time we had some space to think and we were not in the right place to do pleasant stuff, we would try to numb down the emotions and anchor ourselves (or at least the rational part of our brain) into the present by playing easy-to-solve puzzle games. (solitaire card games (klondike or spider), Mahjong, minesweeper, pinball etc.)

We would spend hours every day glued on the computer just focusing on an easy puzzle game and tuning out everything else. The emotions. The past. The future. The people around. Our thoughts.

It was not ordinary "Hey I love computer games" behavior. It was a trauma behavior.

Then it hit us squared: our biological parents would do the same when they were not indulging in other, less healthy numbing activities (or abusing us).

There is transgenerational trauma going on. Instead of being responsible adults and doing their own trauma therapy and taking care not to pass on trauma to their children, they instead decided upon kinda taking revenge of their trauma upon their children, and ended up in an even worse place themselves. Dragging their children (including us) with them.

Fork this society who leaves traumatized people at the bottom of the well and only teaches them to dig deeper and drag others with them.

Fork this.

We're climbing out, and we're taking NOBODY along with us. We'll throw back our "how to climb out of the well" manual into the well for others to use, show them that climbing out is possible, but... DO IT YOURSELVES. We'll never allow anybody else to never ever drag us down. Even if it means (metaphorically) biting off the fingers of the ones who might try to grab onto our kilt to get a lift.

__
Zami (and Urielles towards the end)
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Jul 21, 2021 5:31 pm

Well, I didn't see that uplifting ending coming!

I was getting ready to type words of comfort and "we do that mind-numbing thing a lot," but when I got to the end I wanted to stand up and cheer. :D :D
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jul 21, 2021 5:59 pm

Thanks :)

We are feeling so SPITEFUL right now that it's a strong drive forwards. :twisted:

__
Urielles.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby Truly_happy » Wed Jul 21, 2021 9:38 pm

Wow, you've been through a lot. :shock:

First, go trans femboys! I love it when people get to just be themselves and bust out of those boxes society likes to put us all in. :) It makes me think of the first time I saw a trans tomboy. She was so cool. :) (By the way, Olympic team USA has a transfem weightlifter this year. :D )

As for being triggered by everything you touch, I kind of get that. :shock: There was a time when memories were surfacing and everything in life became a potential trigger. Even flowers became triggering! It was a nightmare. Sorry you went through that. :(

As for "the well" thing, I agree! The abuse must end at this generation. I've said this about myself before: "The abuse stops here!" :evil: If I have kids, I will do whatever I can to keep them from suffering trauma!

Not a lot to say in response to aaaaalllll that you said, I know, but my memory is awful ...

Take care.

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby kittylover » Thu Jul 22, 2021 3:01 am

I somewhat present as a trans femboy myself , it’s hard to know how much the way we dress and stuff is actually me vs the influence of my alters that are girls and women . But really I think clothes being gendered is dumb anyway. If a man wants to wear a dress he should be able to and people shouldn’t think it’s weird. -Jason
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Jul 22, 2021 5:44 am

Thank you all for your kind messages!

__
Everybody from the WorldTree.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 22, 2021 11:41 am

so totally awesome you are being true to your identity!!!!
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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Jul 23, 2021 1:41 pm

We had a new T appointment this morning.

We talked a bit about what can be done about the "moniez" situation (what papers can be written, whom to send them to, etc.)

We talked about the kitchen situation, and discussed where our behavior and boundaries issues might stem from trying to assess who is/are the keeper/s of the trauma-related reactions, what traumas it might stem from, maybe have a general idea of where the original root might be.

Then, we talked about what skills we need to face the consequences of the trauma - because it is important to first harness the skills to face the issues rather than jump head-on into the dragon's lair. We realized that the root issue is the lack of protection. We do have protection mechanisms of course but none of them is coherent with the "Here and Now". Therefore we need to (re)learn the proper, adapted, behaviors and patterns.

She suggested that we do some body therapy (I think it is the english name?) to (re)learn at a very basic, primal level, how to deal with vulnerability and self protection. Basically it is a set of slow movements that need be done mindfully, which trigger very strong emotional reactions because they echo some very primal instinctive gestures (here, instinctive gestures and behavior of self-protection). Doing it mindfully, stopping it when the emotions start being uncomfortable, observing what happens in the body and in the emotions and in the mind, what parts of us are most uncomfortable doing it, bringing them back into the here and now as many time as needed... Are basically our homework for next T app.

We plan on making some follow-up sheets for body therapy, other sorts of therapies, as well as the "Coping with trauma related dissociation" exercises. Though it is frustrating to see that we only have give or take 2 hours a day of productivity outside of everything administration and housechores related.

We need to find a way to better manage our time. We are thinking some sort of magnetic schedule, or maybe an app on the phone or computer or an online one (the way Habitica has a phone app as well as a website to use on the computer). If anybody has suggestions, we are open. The idea would be that it would look like a magnetic board where one can move things around. (We can also try to use a big sheet of paper as well as post-its or something similar but it is neater to have it on an app)

*****

On another matter, the girl S. from the reading groups wayyyyy back like... 2 years ago? Is at it again.

Basically we avoided her as much as possible so far (since we go to the same association of diabled people) because we did not want to start drama by leaving Zami going all-out on her, and we did not want to end up having an emotional overload leading maybe to a meltdown, and we did not want to get hooked up on fawning behavior.

She trapped us like a fish on a hook by sitting with us at the same two-persons table in a café where we went as a group with the association. She baited us by ordering the same tea that we did, talked to us about our autistic interests, and we were done for.

After entertaining us all day long telling us that all we were saying was awesome, she gave us her phone number so that we could send her the exact references of some trauma-dissociation related books.

We sent her the references.

She answered by basically saying that all the books were shirt because they were too expensive and were not psychoanalytic books, and that we should instead read a psychoanalytic book which was "way better".

The girl does not have the beginning of an idea of what psychoanalysis really is, she worships her idea of it as in some sort of cult, trashes other psy tools, and does a lot of proselytism about psychoanalysis.

We would shrug it off if she was not part of a group of very vulnerable, disabled people. We know that we can shrug off her shirty suggestions. But others might take it for granted, turst her, and give up their treatments and therapies because S. said so. After all, she told us repeateadly that if only we would undergo psychoanalysis we would know why we are autistic and stop being autistic. Even after we repeatedly told her that autism is a neurological condition and cannot be cured and is not a problem in itself.

Now picture an autistic person who is more cognitively disabled than us, or is more desperate because of their many comorbidities and suffers more than we do from society's ableism. They might be desperate enough to believe what she says and decide upon trying psychoanalysis to "cure" their autism. Which might in turn push them deeper into depression and self-loathing when they realize that they are unable to "heal" from being autistic even though they undergo the "miracle" psychoanalysis.

We know the drill. Been there, done that (for trauma-related issues). Tried to dig deep, believing that the more we knew the details of our trauma, the better we would understand why it traumatized us and be able to un-traumatize ourselves by "getting tough" or "getting over it". Spoiler alert: it does the opposite. It leads to re-traumatization as well as self-loathing and guilt-tripping.

We need to talk with one of the organizers about it. It is no longer an issue between S. and us; it is a problem for the whole community. Or at least this is our impression.

__
Theo van H.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Jul 23, 2021 6:02 pm

OKAY everybody STAY CALM we found TIME RELATED TRIGGERS! :idea: :idea: :idea: :idea:

**********TRIGGER WARNING ALL OVER mention of abuse (emotional physical verbal psychological sexual etc.)**********

During the day/week

During the day we have trouble focusing on work during office hours. We use the mornings to do some fitness, care for the cat, do housechores, then we have our lunchtime routine. Everything falls to pieces during the afternoon office hours 2PM-5 or 6PM. Our brain freezes.

The only things we manage to do is either, mind-numbing stupid things (scrolling through social medias and memes, playing games on the phone, maybe pacing around the appartment trying to focus on doing housechore things and administration stuff) OR hyper-focusing on something in a traumatic escapism way.

Why is that so?

Because since childhood up to the end of our latest office work contract we were feeling trapped during office hours. Trapped in a hostile environment, forced to do "productive work" we could not focus on because we were too stressed out and dissociating to focus, and so on.

We kept the traumatic habit ingrained: 2PM up to 5-6PM is "dissociation time". So is the morning 9-12 but since we found ways to fill the mornings in with housechores that can be done even while dissociating, housechores who require to move about the appartment and are very different from sitting at a desk working, it is kinda okay to do them without dissociating and stressing too much.

The issue eases out sometimes on wednesday afternoon but not always, it eases out saturday afternoon and all sunday long.

Because these were our "off" days (depending on the school age and workplace).

We start stressing out again circa 7:30PM and have another rush circa 9PM, and others at later hours in the evening.

The mother would come back from work circa 7:30PM and start being abusive. Does not matter if we were already home or coming home circa the same hour from university, it was abuse'o'clock. One of our exes would never tell us when he would come home from work and left us on read on his phone starting 6PM. We would come home circa 7:30PM and start stressing out if he still wasn't home by 9PM. 9PM is also the hour when the father would come back home which during our early childhood would mean, starting hearing the mother abusing the father. So it is another stressful time of the day.

Later hours of the evening would be when we would try again to reach out for the ex who did not come back from work. If by 11PM he was not home we would start ringing his work again, his colleagues too... And sometimes one of his collegues would pick up his cellphone and tell us "Yep he's here with us we're playing X video game together and he's raging because he's loosing" and we would indeed hear the ex yelling because he was loosing games. When he was home, it was when he would also start yelling and raging because he was loosing videogames online. And he would often turn his violence towards us especially if we were too tired to understand what was going on and not in the mood to just sit by his side insulting his (better than him) opponents calling them "cheaters" and nastier names.

11PM is also the time when our brother would slip out of bed to come into ours to try abusing us. It did not last long but it set a routine of staying awake untill at least midnight in order to make sure we were perfectly safe.

We also often wake up circa 2AM-4AM because it was the time he would come to bed and start abusing us either because he was too pissed off because he lost games and/or because he was horny and pissed that we weren't (no shirt Sherlock we were SLEEPING). Or when it was week-time and not weekend-time and he would go to bed circa midnight instead of dawn, he would wake up around this hour and abuse us. Sometimes he would shake us awake and yell "I WANT TO F*CK" sometimes he would just... Do it.

So we only sleep "well" when we are too exhausted to stay awake. But sometimes our worse insomnias are when we are too exhausted to move because not being able to move does not feel safe. Therefore we cannot sleep.

In the morning if we sleep too late, and reach 9AM still sleeping, we have sleep paralysis untill 11AM and sometimes later - to keep us safe from pushing away an abusive ex too much. He would become violent if we tried to push him away when he wanted to do the sex. But we could not bring ourselves to smile and pretend to enjoy doing it. So we froze until he was done. And he would not even care if we were awake or not.

Time related triggers throughout the year

The summer school holidays are triggering because it meant going to the grandparents' and being alone with our thoughts. We would spend most of the days numbing ourselves playing puzzle games on the computer or watching documentaries. Coming home from a holiday was the moment when the mother would be the most abusive.

We try to enjoy the summer by going to organized trips with other disabled people but the next day is always a hellscape. I guess we are waiting for the mother to let all hell loose on us. For the brother to stop being monitored by the grandparents and have more freedom of being abusive to us. It meant being back to slave-work for the parents and daily humiliations. It meant being back to the torture chamber.

We love going out on small trips with people but the next day is trauma-time.

We already knew that the big Christian holidays (Easter and Christmas mostly) were tied to trauma events, we already knew that our bio birthday was tied to trauma events, but we only now realize that school holidays were, too, traumatic in a way.

Time related triggers througout the life (flashbacks after the event is over)

Because during a trauma period we dissociate and have trauma related amnesia about it, and also because all of our abusers were also specialized gaslighter, being out of an abuser's grip also means it's trauma-rewind time.

Because it helps us fight back the gaslighting.

Because our brain is trying to re-integrate the traumatic material.

Because our brain is trying to train our "brain immune system" to recognize future instances of said abuses in order to run away from them.

Only thing we get from it is re-traumatization and hellish flashbacks but well, our brain does what it can with what we learnt through life about dealing with all of this mess.

But our brain kept the habit and when we come home from any social event, it's "rewind the uncomfortable situations time" on Anxiety Prime.

Difficulties keeping the same organization system on the long run

There are many reasons why we have trouble keeping the same organization system on the long run.

First, school taught us to switch organization system every year or have a roll-over every week or have a "scrap it all start over" every trimester or semester.

Second, our environment (bio family, exes...) would always be nosing around in our private stuff so in order to protect ourselves from their nosing we would destroy our stuff (journal etc.) and start over something else, hiding it someplace else etc. rinse and repeat.

We kept the traumatic habit of not keeping one system for very long because of that. Well, being autistic and probably AD(H)D does not help, sure. But trauma adds to the mix.

**

Now we need strong anchors into the here and now, maybe have a positive schedule to associate with the trauma-times in order to create counter-triggers. We'll see what can be done. But just realizing that it's a time-trigger and NOT us being lazy or bad people, helps a lot.

It is trauma related. Which means that now that the trauma time is over, we can relax. It is over. We no longer need to be on guard at very specific times of the day or days of the week or anything else really.

__
Zami, then Urielles, then the G/Hosts.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: [life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

Postby Eliseahorse » Fri Jul 23, 2021 9:28 pm

First off apologies I haven't read your trigger post so if I say anything here that you may have already covered then apologies.
Second girl s is dangerous and I hope the organisation takes your complaint seriously.
Third I personally would recommend you don't use an app for organising. We used to use a magnetic board but swapped to an app because that was more discreet trouble was with the rota hiding in the app there was no way to instantly spot when we were colectivly slacking. If stuff isn't moving on the big magnetic bird you notice it. (We have had littles tattle that someone forgot to do xyz lol)
But when we were using the app we went over a week thinking stuff was being done only to discover it hadn't.

Just our personal experience
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