Need help with husband's new alter

Yes I do have boundaries now, it came after a long time of working on my self esteem these last few years. I was ready to walk away from what I thought was an abusive relationship but at the last moment realized he has DID. I couldn't walk away because he wasn't lying when he pleaded with me that he didn't mean to hurt me. That he don't remember doing this to me.
Our marriage is doing okay though right now, after all existing alters came to accept me and accept I am the wife of this body. I would be open to marriage counselling if the counsellor has expertise in dissociation.

Hank is fine. I missed the second half of that post below the quote... My bad...

I've found with SF it seems that issues are often held back until conditions allow them to be dealt with.

One never knows what state people are in when they first post. Many are in crisis mode. Sounds like you still have your struggles, as we do to, but have reached some overall stability, which is good.
It sounds like you have done really well actually.

Similarly, I have been able to do a lot of the work contacting and providing positive experiences for most of the insiders as well as emotional support after tough sessions.

Trauma work, however, is almost exclusively with the T though. I think I could have helped a couple of them, but most would have been like "Der... duh... hmmmmm???" on my end. LOL.

He is still on travel for work, right? First step is to get him safely home. Does his employer have an Employee Assistance Program or an Ombuds Program? Either of those may be able to refer him to a local therapist.

Some expert DID therapists are licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) and in any case MFTs will see a lot of clients with similar problems.

ISSTD has an international searchable member directory on isst-d.org; most but not all members are licensed in some form of therapy. But ISSTD membership is pretty expensive so many expert therapists are not listed in it.

In the United States, psychologytoday.com is where many therapists purchase paid listings. You can search by geographic location and expertise. But be aware that the therapists pick those categories themselves and there is no vetting. Some pick every category, apparently thinking it is all the same.

Another tactic that works but takes more time is to just call around to local therapists and ask them "do you treat DID?" and "can you recommend a therapist for a client with DID?" This is free. Don't stop when you find the first name; keep calling! And take notes. Look for a pattern to emerge; someone who really does treat DID will be known in the community and recommended by other therapists.

Also you need good information on how to make effective use of your health care insurance. You can call your insurance company and / or you can start asking everyone you know. Your GP. Your auto mechanic. Any local service providers you interact with. Local retail business owners, restaurant employees, etc. Your insurance agent. Local senior centers often have some kind of service club that provides valuable advice and they certainly know all about how to use insurance.

And it is not your place to do the job of a therapist. There are ressource websites for multiples, that would be in my opinion a good place to start. Your husband can then find ways to help him and the others get along, communicate, set boundaries of behavior, and realize that a therapist CAN help and that he DESERVES to be heard and get help. Him, and all the others inside. They are all worthy of being helped and healed.

--Zami--

It is predictable that listening to someone else's raw trauma story would trigger the system in some way. Even a trained therapist needs to be careful about vicarious trauma. So one thing your husband may need to learn is how to compassionately decline to listen, or to limit the duration, content, or quality of the disclosure.

SOHank wrote:Hank is fine. I missed the second half of that post below the quote... My bad...

I've found with SF it seems that issues are often held back until conditions allow them to be dealt with.

One never knows what state people are in when they first post. Many are in crisis mode. Sounds like you still have your struggles, as we do to, but have reached some overall stability, which is good.
It sounds like you have done really well actually.

Similarly, I have been able to do a lot of the work contacting and providing positive experiences for most of the insiders as well as emotional support after tough sessions.

Trauma work, however, is almost exclusively with the T though. I think I could have helped a couple of them, but most would have been like "Der... duh... hmmmmm???" on my end. LOL.

Yes, as spouses all we can do is do our best to be supportive. I am sure it took you a lot of work on yourself to be a nurturing role to SF. I definitely did. It still drives me nuts sometimes when he do or say something that contradicts what he said earlier. Then a alter will confess he say it out of boredom to get an reaction out of me arghhhh. I see yes I hope we find a T who can also reach out to me as a support person. Your T sounds like a great one.

Hi Amme,

I hope your husband is home and ok now. I mean that's a really scary thing to happen so far away.

I just wanted to write you because I'm a female alter in a male body. When I first came out I was like WTF! I SO didn't understand what was happening. It was like my WORST nightmare! But here's the thing - It all got ok after a while. Host was really freaked out at first and he had to calm down so I could trust him. Nobody pushed me to do anything - just like answered my questions and let me think about it. I wrote a lot in the journal. The big thing everybody kept saying was I am safe now and I don't have to do dumb sex stuff anymore. Pretty cool! That helped me calm down and then I could relate better. Now we get along pretty good. I know I'm in the body with everybody else and have to share. But I get to do some of my things and even have some friends.

Ok so good luck. I hope you're doing better.

Cody

Una+ wrote:He is still on travel for work, right? First step is to get him safely home. Does his employer have an Employee Assistance Program or an Ombuds Program? Either of those may be able to refer him to a local therapist.

Some expert DID therapists are licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) and in any case MFTs will see a lot of clients with similar problems.

ISSTD has an international searchable member directory on isst-d.org; most but not all members are licensed in some form of therapy. But ISSTD membership is pretty expensive so many expert therapists are not listed in it.

In the United States, psychologytoday.com is where many therapists purchase paid listings. You can search by geographic location and expertise. But be aware that the therapists pick those categories themselves and there is no vetting. Some pick every category, apparently thinking it is all the same.

Another tactic that works but takes more time is to just call around to local therapists and ask them "do you treat DID?" and "can you recommend a therapist for a client with DID?" This is free. Don't stop when you find the first name; keep calling! And take notes. Look for a pattern to emerge; someone who really does treat DID will be known in the community and recommended by other therapists.

Also you need good information on how to make effective use of your health care insurance. You can call your insurance company and / or you can start asking everyone you know. Your GP. Your auto mechanic. Any local service providers you interact with. Local retail business owners, restaurant employees, etc. Your insurance agent. Local senior centers often have some kind of service club that provides valuable advice and they certainly know all about how to use insurance.

Hi Una
Thanks for your help, I am down under not in the states but you definitely give me a few ideas, especially about calling therapists to ask for recommendations.
We have kept it under wraps from his employer for now, he has company insurance for health care though. I am unsure if work will be notified about his condition. But I will check this out, it is very helpful thank you!
Since that alter emerged on Sunday in a video call with me, I have not heard from her and the system is unaware of this newcomer. Tomorrow will be the last day at work and he will leave for the airport. Currently I am doing as you suggest, just getting him home safely without triggering a switch to her, she was so confused and didn't understand gadgets she thought I was stuck in a box.(mobile phone)
I feel like I am holding my breath hoping everything will not unravel. My husband started this new job with a large proportion of traveling for assignment, and he will be gone for weeks before coming home for a few days. Really this is not ideal for his condition but right now we need this income.

Is it normal for alters to have memories of events that are impossible? Such as believing she has a husband and sews clothes? My only guess is that it is on the inside.

-- Wed Sep 18, 2019 4:59 am --

IainEtc wrote:Hi Amme,

I hope your husband is home and ok now. I mean that's a really scary thing to happen so far away.

I just wanted to write you because I'm a female alter in a male body. When I first came out I was like WTF! I SO didn't understand what was happening. It was like my WORST nightmare! But here's the thing - It all got ok after a while. Host was really freaked out at first and he had to calm down so I could trust him. Nobody pushed me to do anything - just like answered my questions and let me think about it. I wrote a lot in the journal. The big thing everybody kept saying was I am safe now and I don't have to do dumb sex stuff anymore. Pretty cool! That helped me calm down and then I could relate better. Now we get along pretty good. I know I'm in the body with everybody else and have to share. But I get to do some of my things and even have some friends.

Ok so good luck. I hope you're doing better.

Cody

Hi Cody,
Thank you so much, it is great to hear from your perspective.
How did your host break it to you about being a multiple?

It must have been really hard for you and the system, I think I am going to have to mediate this meeting between them, sigh. Both sides will be so freaked about each other

Oops sorry Cody I miss out part of the message. My husband is still out there far away till Thursday. I am just having my nerves in a knot right now. I did what I thought helped. I asked her to go back to bed and we will search for her husband together. Also thank god she didn't try to wander out of the hotel room, I was scared of it but she say no no I am waiting for my husband here! I am not going out without my dress!

-- Wed Sep 18, 2019 5:07 am --

ArbreMonde wrote:And it is not your place to do the job of a therapist. There are ressource websites for multiples, that would be in my opinion a good place to start. Your husband can then find ways to help him and the others get along, communicate, set boundaries of behavior, and realize that a therapist CAN help and that he DESERVES to be heard and get help. Him, and all the others inside. They are all worthy of being helped and healed.

Our personal go-to is https://kinhost.org/ but there are others, if Kinhost does not help, well, at least you know other websites are out there

--Zami--

Hi Zami,
Thank you I will check that out. Yes I agree we do need a therapist lol.

AmmeSO wrote:Is it normal for alters to have memories of events that are impossible? Such as believing she has a husband and sews clothes? My only guess is that it is on the inside.

There is very little that is impossible inside the mind. SF has one who thinks she is dead, another who thinks she has become "beyond human" and is frustrated she can't levitate in the body, a computer, and a box (with 4 faces that are all her, but not all her... Polyfragmented?).

My wife got in a fight with D. when he was very antagonistic, pushed him to the ground and he shattered into a lot of little traumas. She was then told he would be rebuilt when each trauma was addressed.

It now takes a lot to surprise me. LOL

Others have had internal families as well. Read some of Zor's posts.

There can be whole worlds in some cases. The ones where they include an economy are the most amazing to me from a nerd perspective. EX: "They used to live by us, but rent went up and they couldn't afford it. So they moved over there." All inside the mind!