Therapist's personal life events--I need some perspective

We're having a hard time dealing with what's going on with our T right now. Nadia has been writing about it on the Littles thread, but we need perspective from more than just littles (although it's been very helpful for her to get support from friends on there).

I was hoping this wouldn't be too long, but I needed to put in all the important details.

Last December, we found out from a public post on Facebook that our T's daughter had a recurrence of cancer--one of the bad ones, that we had a friend die of two years ago. We knew from what was written that it was going to be a matter of months. We didn't talk to the T about it--that we had read about it, or about our friend, or anything.

We liked that he was keeping his personal life so separate--there was one time he didn't return a text until much longer than usual, and just said that he got "caught up in family stuff," and apologized--but we later figured out that the "family stuff" was finding out about the recurrence and the prognosis and stuff, and figuring out what to do. So that helped us trust more that he was good at keeping personal feelings really separate.

So this whole time, we didn't really know what was happening with her--he mentioned something in April that let us know that she was still around (he was making something for her--we had asked about a measuring thing in his office).

Then at the end of August, we had a big disconnect with him because he forgot to tell us that he would be away for a whole week and not just on a Friday, and he was sure that he must have told us. That was on a Wednesday (the 28th), and by the next day, he told us by text that he thought about it, and believed us now--believed that it was possible that he hadn't told us.

(Also, a couple of weeks before that, he had thought we had an appointment on a day we didn't--he had somehow missed or forgot that we were going to be away for a week. We've never gotten confused and mixed up appointment times or forgotten when he was going to be away (and to be fair, he never had before this, so it was kind of disconcerting)).

Anyway, we had been very upset that he had just categorically not believed us when we said that he hadn't told us about being away. So we were relieved when he DID believe us, but still upset, and the littles still felt very frightened that this could happen. And when we went to see him on that Friday (the 30th), before his week away, a young little was mostly there, scared and wondering if he was still the "nice" one we had seen the week before or the "monster" who told us what we knew was true was "farfetched."

And he seemed to think that everything was fine again--the "disagreement" was over, and this was how disagreements work. He definitely didn't get the depth of how scared and upset we had been---scared because if he hadn't changed his mind, and admitted that it was possible he hadn't told us, we wouldn't have been able to see him anymore. Because we were 100% sure he had never mentioned that he would be gone the whole week.

On that same Friday (the 30th), when we were feeling disconnected, and still upset, he told us about an ambiguous absence that would happen sometime over the next couple of months, where he would need to take a day for himself and several days for "larger family matters," and said we could ask him questions. Well, we didn't really need to, because we already knew what this was about, and we kind of said that we knew because we read something online. But we weren't looking at him when we said it, so we don't know whether that was ok (that's Nadia worrying about that, not all of us).

So we left, with the plan of seeing him again on 9/11, and let him know by text that we were feeling really disconnected. It took us about a week to figure out everything we were still upset about, and we sent him a long email this past Sunday night that we wrote very carefully to try to explain everything clearly. He wrote back two days later, saying that he was very confused about why we were upset--was it that he didn't believe us at first? So we wrote back, saying that it was, and trying to explain what it meant to us. And that we weren't going to come on Wednesday but would plan to see him Friday (yesterday).

He responded with, "yeah I kind of thought it was that I didn't initially believe you," and went on to explain about his different "subjective reality," and how he was sorry that we were so upset about this. But still not getting the depth of it and not trying to see our point of view at all, which he is usually good at. We wrote back that he still wasn't completely getting it--that it was how frightened we were that this could happen, and that we didn't get over it instantly just because the "disagreement" was over.

He hadn't responded by Thursday evening, and that's when we got the text that he needed to take personal time on Friday and would respond to our email discussion next week and we would "move forward" from there. He said that we could still say hi and "wave" by text. And Nadia sent him a text that she was sorry about what was happening in his family.

We found out from Facebook that she passed away Thursday evening--there's a public post with lots of comments including from him and his wife.

We decided to send another email today to try to explain again what we need from him (for him to get to when he's able to, next week or whenever he's up to it), because we realized that we usually know that he's understanding something when he repeats what we said and shows that he gets the feeling--that he's able to understand our experience, even if it's different from his. So we said that that's what we need.

He is usually very good at it, just like he's usually very good at telling me ahead of time when he's going to be away, and keeping track of when I'm going to be away. We have times when there's a big disconnect, but he's usually able to see our point of view. With this one, he just hasn't been able to see that his need to think that he could never forget to tell a client about an absence caused a lot of hurt and fear in us.

I mean, he could have said something like, "Wow--really?? I was sure that I told you. I can't believe I didn't. I'm really sorry." And we would probably say, "Well, you didn't." And even if he said, "Wow--that's just so hard for me to believe," that would not have been as scary as saying it was farfetched for us to say that he didn't, and that maybe we had an "experience" that he didn't tell us, but his experience was that he did tell us, etc. (We walked out of that session, because he was completely stuck in being sure that he could never forget something like that because he cares so much about clients' feelings and not having any surprises, etc.)

Well, this is so long that no one is probably going to read all of it, but I guess I'm wondering if all the stress and difficulty that the T's been going through is keeping him from being as empathic as usual, and as careful to check if he's told everyone about his absences or is clear on their absences. My husband thinks that's got to be true. And that maybe the T was expecting that he could keep everything going as usual, but that he wasn't really able to. Losing a child is supposed to be one of the hardest things that can happen to a person.

It doesn't seem like the kind of thing I can or should ask him. I guess I just have to wait and see if in a week or two he's back to being able to understand us when we try our best to explain things to him. He usually really wants to understand and lets us know that in a way that sinks in, and that we believe. Not just saying "your thoughts and perceptions are important to me," but really showing that they are.

I'd been interested to hear other people's experiences with therapist's losses and if/how it temporarily affected their work.

One of cousins died in her twenties. Her mum has never been the same since and her Dad had a heartattack shortly after she died. So to me, that he can still talk to you at all is amazing. Therapists are just people. He might never be the "same" again - I see that as incredibly possible.

I don't know what you "should" do personally about the situation other than give him time to see how it goes. Some people are really good at seperating work from home but loosing a child is a whole other level.

A therapist is still a person, and persons are not robot. So my guess is, yes, his personal life is interfering. It might be wiser to refrain from asking too much from him at the moment, and rather ask him if he needs a break for himself and if he can refer you to another person temporarily, time for him to get back on track.

When he will have his ducks in a row once again, you can go back to him with the long explanations and your specific needs. He might not realize that his work is not as good as usual due to his personal life, because he is usually good at compartimenting. Sometimes, even therapists need therapists to help them realize things!

~Theia~

I have some experience with it. Different kind of loss, but still.
I had a therapist I was very connected to and she to me. Whenever there was something going on in her personal life I could feel it and reacted to it with disconnection like you do over some matter. Somehow we can feel when people are disconnection from us and we react in our traumatized way.
At first I was afraid to aks my therapist personal questions but later became really helpful and I was always spot on if there was something going on with her. She was always honest in telling me even if she didnt go into the personal matter and I dindt want to know what it was most of the time, just needed to know if my feeling was right.
In one period she was going through divorce and that was the first big disconnection we had. I didnt know but when therspy got so bad and she was so off al the time I asked and she told my that she had a rough time herself and that it could be why she couldnt be totally their for me, feel me anymore. Therapistst are human to..

Your therapist is having a real hard time and you are feeling it just right! I think is good you speak about it with him when the time is right.
Big hug for you and you scared and sad littles.

we live where they have the strict rules for Ts and nobody had a public facebook where we could even see personal information. we once had a T tell us that his father died and he was out of town, that was very matter of fact and we never saw a hint of an emotion. but relationships to fathers are often more difficult than to your own children (especially when you are queer).

I wanted to share a bit about the physiology of sadness. if everything works really well we have the part of the nervous system that makes us safe&social on while we also tap into the part of the nervous system that would make us shut down and numb if it was on all by itself. it is a delicate balance at the edge of the window of tolerance but not in a hyperaroused way, but very close to shut down and dissociation.
Sometimes people slip from there into shut down. especially when the loss was terrible. so they get numb. and their brain stops to work properly. and they struggle to see anyone around them and to connect. it is basically dissociation (not structural, but the one where the nervous system shuts down). so I wouldn't be surprised if maybe he was not able to keep the safe&social system on all the time and slipped into numbness and brain fog. and it would be natural that he messes up information and can't do empathy in that state. it is a grief state of the body, heart and brain.
I know this might be difficult to explain to Littles, but maybe he is not a monster or bad person for saying harsh things and not thinking and not connecting. maybe he just feels deep grief with all his being.

Hey Gang,

Our first T had a death in the family and took a week or so off. We never had any contact with her (or our current T) outside sessions tho, so there wasn't like any disruption in that cos it just didn't exist for us. Apart from the missed session(s) we didn't really notice anything, but it was also kinda early in our time with her.

I think tho its important for all of you and your littles to understand that whatever happens its not any of your fault. People deal with grief differently but they do gotta deal with it, and that might make him a bit wierd or different for a while. Just remember, its not your fault.

Viola

The husband of one T I had, had a heart attack (and survived). We were supposed to see each other that day, but she cancelled and said it was an emergency and rescheduled for the day after that.

We didn't notice that she was particularly different in any way, except that she looked more tired in the following period. She said she liked our work because it was a good distraction.

So, I guess it's very personal how a T deals with it and what is going on. I think it would be much harder for a T to be properly present and responsive when they are dealing with their own stuff.

My advice would be to suspend judgement and wait for a few weeks or months for your T to recover. Right now you are having an attachment anxiety attack and he is not in a position to deal with that in his usual expert capacity.

Hi Gangsallhere,
It’s hard knowing too much about therpists sometimes. I also google mine. All I have found is professional stuff and about some of her wider roles. I would both look for the information you found and be horrified when I did.
Now you have found it, are you feeling a bit burdened by it?
Either way, as the others have said, he is human and is suffering his own losses at the moment. He will be back on things, as a therapist, soon but in the meantime he might not be able to respond in the way you want. It might be better to give him some space, rather than risk getting responses that arent’ as thought through as you are used to.

Hi Gang,

Just wanted to let you know that we're reading and that we care. We don't have anything useful to add beyond what our kids said to Nadia, and what other folks have said here.

We hope that things get better for you soon.

MDs