Therapist's personal life events--I need some perspective

Wow. I really appreciate everyone's responses. I was worried that people would be judgmental somehow (obviously all projected from my past experiences--that I was being selfish to be worried/upset about my little grievances while he was going through such a loss, etc), so thank you for all of your support.

birdsong--your explanation about the physiology of sadness was very helpful, and helps counter our black-and-white thinking about things. It makes sense that it can be a state that comes and goes and that one wouldn't always be as self-aware and top-of-their-game as usual. I knew there were times that he seemed kind of confused about dates, which was not typical for him.

birdsong87 wrote:I know this might be difficult to explain to Littles, but maybe he is not a monster or bad person for saying harsh things and not thinking and not connecting. maybe he just feels deep grief with all his being.

Thanks. This helps us with our empathy.

Allcoulors wrote:I didnt know but when therspy got so bad and she was so off al the time I asked and she told my that she had a rough time herself and that it could be why she couldnt be totally their for me, feel me anymore. Therapistst are human to..

Your therapist is having a real hard time and you are feeling it just right! I think is good you speak about it with him when the time is right.
Big hug for you and you scared and sad littles.

Thanks, Allcoulors. That was very brave of you to ask her about it. I guess our T hasn't seemed SO consistently different--there have been sessions where he was very present and we felt very connected. And we're used to having smaller empathic ruptures, but this was too much all at once.

ArbreMonde wrote:When he will have his ducks in a row once again, you can go back to him with the long explanations and your specific needs. He might not realize that his work is not as good as usual due to his personal life, because he is usually good at compartimenting. Sometimes, even therapists need therapists to help them realize things!

We're a little worried that he's expecting too much of himself to be back at work for "a few sessions" on Wednesday and Friday, including seeing us both days.

Jolly jo wrote:he is human and is suffering his own losses at the moment. He will be back on things, as a therapist, soon but in the meantime he might not be able to respond in the way you want. It might be better to give him some space, rather than risk getting responses that arent’ as thought through as you are used to.

Thanks, Jolly jo. I think some of us understand the concept of giving him space, but others, especially littles, are feeling desperate to get reconnected.

And thanks to everyone else as well.

I wanted to write an update, mostly for us to come back to, but more input is welcome, of course.

The T wrote back much sooner than we expected--we had sent him an email Saturday evening, and he responded Sunday morning. He was more understanding of how we've been feeling--it seemed like he was really getting how scared and upset we had been. And he was clear about continuing to care about us and still holding us in his heart and thoughts (he says that a lot). He was clear that we're not responsible for taking care of his feelings, but also thanked us for our condolences.

He's planning to be back at work this week for a few sessions, including both of mine, depending on what we want to do.

We felt very muddled and confused about this and about what to do. I think we're not sure if he can really be present enough for us, even if he thinks he can. It's one thing to show up physically, and another to really be able to respond to us in the way that we need him to. But, who are we to question his assessment of himself?

This is the kind of thing that's really hard to tease apart. Because it affects us when/if he can't be there for us, but I'm not even sure he would agree that he wasn't as good at his work recently as usual. But I guess all that is beside the point. What matters are the specific things that happened between us, whatever the cause, right? I'm just guessing that it had to do with his loss.

We sent him an email last night that I think is a kind of a test to see how much he can handle. Because there's a lot about this whole thing that has really upset Nadia, and she has a lot of worries about what's ok to talk about. Like, we had a friend who died of the same kind of cancer two years ago, and when we first read about what was happening with his daughter, in December, we wanted to tell him about our friend--how she was gone in a matter of weeks when it came back, and how hard it was to see that (she was only 24).

Nadia wouldn't let us tell him because she thought it would be like saying his daughter would be taken quickly as well. Someone wants to tell him now about our friend, but how much are we "allowed" to use things from his life to talk about things that matter to us? I guess we're supposed to feel free to talk about whatever we want and then let him tell us if there's something he can't or won't talk about. Is that how it's supposed to work? (Someone little is saying, "But I don't want to say anything that will make him CRY!!")

We asked some of this in the email, but if we see him on Wednesday, I think we will be asking more questions on this kind of process level, because clearly there are ways that we don't understand how therapy is supposed to work. We're often not able to be as articulate there as we are in writing, because littles are usually in charge and they won't use big words, even if we're thinking with them. And we can't remember the nuances of what we wanted to say. But if we've started the conversation in an email, it might make it easier to continue it.

So, we're waiting to hear back from him, and if he still seems as empathic and understanding as in his email yesterday, then I guess we'll go on Wednesday. We had also texted him because Little had wanted to say hi and wave, and he responded to that as well. So he is definitely trying to be there for us as much as he usually is.

Hi Gang,

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Nadia wouldn't let us tell him because she thought it would be like saying his daughter would be taken quickly as well. Someone wants to tell him now about our friend, but how much are we "allowed" to use things from his life to talk about things that matter to us? I guess we're supposed to feel free to talk about whatever we want and then let him tell us if there's something he can't or won't talk about. Is that how it's supposed to work? (Someone little is saying, "But I don't want to say anything that will make him CRY!!")

I think this is how it is suppose to work, but it is so hard to do. My T is also a equine T and she lost her horse a few weeks ago. Obviously this is different from what you guys are talking about with your T. Yet, some things resonate with us.

I actually wrote to my SO T to find out how to approach my T, because I didn't want to do it "wrong". She suggested I just speak to her and tell her I was sorry for what she was going through and connect again. I felt selfish at first because all I thought was it caused me to be unable to talk to her and I never felt disconnected from her before.

There was a Little who was so sad as she loved that horse too. I was afraid telling her about the Littles experience would somehow take away from her grief. Yet, T felt heard and was able to be present in the moment with both our experience and hers.

I was glad I was able to tell to her and hear she was having a hard time, but was able to be there for us too. This was new for us and helped us see that people can hurt and still be there for us. We had to trust that she was being honest and we never had a history with her of otherwise. My T did cry, but it allowed us to see her humaness and how feelings are okay. They didn't hurt us and they actually helped us feel a little more connected in that moment.

I hope you give your T who you have a relationship the chance to show you things can be different than in the past. Give extra hugs to your Littles and self care for yourself. You have such a compassionate Little worried about making him cry.

hbodhi wrote:I think this is how it is suppose to work, but it is so hard to do...

...I was afraid telling her about the Littles experience would somehow take away from her grief. Yet, T felt heard and was able to be present in the moment with both our experience and hers.

I was glad I was able to tell to her and hear she was having a hard time, but was able to be there for us too. This was new for us and helped us see that people can hurt and still be there for us. We had to trust that she was being honest and we never had a history with her of otherwise. My T did cry, but it allowed us to see her humaness and how feelings are okay. They didn't hurt us and they actually helped us feel a little more connected in that moment.

I hope you give your T who you have a relationship the chance to show you things can be different than in the past. Give extra hugs to your Littles and self care for yourself. You have such a compassionate Little worried about making him cry.

This really helped us a lot. Thank you.

We're still not sure if we're going to go see him tomorrow. After waiting for him to respond to the email we sent Sunday night, we texted him earlier today, and he hadn't even noticed that I had sent an email responding to his. He said, "oops, my mistake. I'll look it over right now," but it's not like him to not notice an email. Especially because his last email ended with "let me know what you want to do," in regards to sessions this week.

I guess we'll wait and see what/if he writes tonight. If Nadia feels somewhat reassured that he can really be present for us and help us with our feelings, then we might decide we can handle going to see him tomorrow. We just have a very busy day after that, with things that we REALLY want to do. And we don't want to get so overwhelmed with feelings that we can't be in our life.

The T didn't email us back, and it was driving me crazy that we were checking our email every 5 minutes and not getting anything done, so we decided that the best way to take care of Nadia is not to try to go to a session tomorrow. We texted him to let him know, and he said that he'll keep Friday open in case we want to come, and he said to say hello to Nadia, and that he'll write us all tomorrow. So that was nice.

We are feeling more connected just from these communications, so that's good. And we'll see what he writes about how this is all supposed to work.

You made the decision that was good for you all right now, maybe even your T. Now you have space to connect some more from a distance (e mail text) and be more prepaired for the next session. Its a difficult time for the both of you and I hope you will get through it together. From what your writing your T sounds willing to work an listen to you even in hard times and that is a great thing to have.

Allcoulors wrote:You made the decision that was good for you all right now, maybe even your T. Now you have space to connect some more from a distance (e mail text) and be more prepaired for the next session. Its a difficult time for the both of you and I hope you will get through it together. From what your writing your T sounds willing to work an listen to you even in hard times and that is a great thing to have.

Thank you so much for this, Allcoulors. I always feel like we're doing something wrong when we don't go to a session, even though the T has always been understanding and supportive when that happens. I have very ingrained ideas about "resistance," and being a "difficult" client/patient, and that it means very negative things about me that I have so much contact with the T outside of sessions.

He seems to view it much more as you're describing--that connecting from a distance is just as valid as connecting in person, and that it's ok to need both. The idea of getting through something together is also something I never think of. I've always gotten through difficult things by myself, and the idea that another person can help me, can understand what I'm going through and support me, especially if they're also having a hard time, is very foreign to me.

I know that someone inside feels like we have no business being upset about his personal issues, and their meaning to us, to the point where he has to help us with our feelings about them. Someone else is saying, "It's his job to help us with our feelings, whatever the reason, and to take care of his own feelings himself."

We just have no template for that. It would be like having a parent who is grieving a loss that doesn't impact their child. It's the level of grief, and the idea of a loss happening to someone they care about, and the idea that such a loss could happen to them--those are the things that have an impact.

I've been fortunate to never lose anyone very close to me--I was in my late 20s before I lost a grandparent, and my grandmother was alive until I was in my late 30s. I don't think I've lost any close long-term friends. And I've never had to be with a loved one who was very ill or dying. My husband's parents are still independent in their mid/late 80s. One of the reasons I went into therapy was the sense that I wouldn't be able to handle those things--things that will happen as I get older.

I guess, in that sense, this is an opportunity for me to see how someone DOES handle something so difficult.

Anyway, thanks so much for your support and validation. I really appreciate it.

I am glad today you all supported what Nadia needed and felt more connected to T last night.