Trigger Warning Sexual issues

by **Sarandipity** » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:57 pm

Hi Zor, I made a conference meeting yesterday and everyone turned up. (It was to ban there "April Games" which is some inner world madness that causes problems out here). It looked like I was facing a board table. And they all came to sit around it. It was like my awareness was turned inwards. I didn't have a seat at the table and Patrick was late but that's what it looked like. I managed it for a few moments but then I got excluded when the final member turned up (for the board regarding their April Games) so I don't know what the outcome was really but I managed to ask so that was something.

So like Zor got in once, IDK How... like forever ago...

One moment I'm in the house (inside) and like in my leggings and pj long shirt loafing... I was going to make breakfast I think... anyhow, next second I'm outside in the snow... freezing cuz I'm dressed in my tinker bell costume- the tiny green dress, slippers with the puff ball, the wings... even my hair up in the bun. Weird.

AND I'm like half mile from the house looking at my special place- where my brother and I would go, and later Angel would go with me- and like NO ONE ELSE GOES THERE. It is MY place... and I see someone sitting there...

So like totally forgetting how adorably ridiculous I'll look, I storm over there FURIOUS... I blaze a trail through the snow and get to the makeshift bench Angel and I made and am like "Just who the heck are you and what in the world are you doing HERE?!" And then he turns around and sees me... it's Zor!

I was like shocked... so I totally lose all sense of anger cuz I'm like totally shocked... and he's all like "cute... tinker bell for me?!" And I blush, get self-conscious cuz like I do cuz it's him... and we sit, he puts a shirt he's got over me (as if it helped, but it was sooooo sweet anyway), and we chat a bit before turning to head back to the house... and suddenly... he's gone...

And I walk home in that costume... in the snow... without his shirt. (So wasn't impressed- even if Angel LOVES the sight of me in that dress).

But like for real, weird time... the ONLY TIME we've had him inside... and IDK how we did it... just sorta happened... this was like last Nov when we REALLY started to get communication better and down between us. I am HOPING this means we CAN get him inside and maybe figure out how on like a regular basis, or at least "as needed"... but maybe without changing what I'm wearing, cuz I don't ALWAYS wanna be dressed like Tink- Angel can barely keep his hands off me covered head to toe! ROFL

{\Pixie/}

by **Sarandipity** » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:49 pm

It's weirdly a bit round the other way, sort of, for us. We can remember inside a little when we're out but not really. After a period of time "in the real world," we completely forget the feeling of inside - I just remembered "who" I am. I was inside for years and years but I was growing with the body. When I came back into "the real world" ie out front, I didn't like it, I vividly remembered where I live internally, I don't have a bath or shower there - I have a waterfall with a small washing area at the bottom, it's in the middle of my castle, which is round. Inside I use the given name because inside it has a magic and a power to it but out here it has none. They forced me out because I was deemed more needed out here. It must of been about 6 months ago. I do not like it out here - I forgot that even. I want to go home.

by **Zor** » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:58 pm

Sarandipity wrote:So irritating. I knew exactly how I wanted to say this and now it's gone. Trying to get it back from wherever it's gone. **TW RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE**

These two teenage alters are frightened of the bf in a sexual way. They said they haven't had sex since being raped by our parents. I tried thinking of other bfs. They remembered our first bf but only cuddling him. They remembered our second bf, there wasn't much sex in that relationship anyway, they remembered being far away from him. Tried to think of other men but couldn't so I guess they are right in how they are remembering their stuff. They are 12 and 13.

They feel like, it's an odd feeling, I've not had this before, that anything sexual would retraumatise them and they'd split again. I think No-one is a split of them from when we were drugged and raped. That's how that feels. They know her and they like her. No-one reported the drug thing but too late. She remembers being raped by our father at 19 but she was very hard faced about it and basically told him she was gonna hold it over him for her whole life or until it suited her. No-one hadn't been around since our early 20's, I already knew that, 27 at the oldest until really recently.

Just before the police call was made Paul and Lilly showed up. I remembered them, like forgotten people the twins had made up but when they showed up I knew them. They're internal story is that they were abused by their parents, ran away at 11 or 12 and became drug addicts. I was always trying to run away and I did smoke weed and took speed for a while but they see themselves at "they lived on the streets and were drug addicts" Despite only remembering Paul being around when I was a kid he's basically grown up somehow. The twins apparently put them in a "jungle" to live so they aren't on drugs anymore and are reasonably sensible.

Anyway these two teenage girl alters, 12 and 13. They would be severely retraumatised by sex - that's it I remember.. was cuddling bf, they wanted to, they like physical contact. There was no physical signs of affection in my childhood ever. So we were cuddling the bf. They felt like they had to touch him sexually but I knew they didn't want to. I told them no, you don't have to do that. Their thoughts were getting very confused and they felt like the bf was our dad. As I said there was no physical contact in my childhood, I thought, so any physical contact must have always involved sex because they thought they "had to" satisfy the bf sexually because they were cuddling him. I told them they didn't have to and they listened. They liked the cuddling. I am concerned about if they have sex at some point by accident they will be retraumatised, split again and blame the bf.

I thought about Mandy in relation to this. She is a completely different feeling. She's a child who woke up one day in a woman's body. She realised she was in a woman's body and does whatever she wants. She realised she can go where she wants, whenever she wants. And she has. She doesn't feel bad about anything other than feeling she is more "stupid" than other parts because she doesn't know stuff they know. So I still don't feel it's necessary to worry about her.

These two teenage alters I'm worried about. I'm not worried about the fragments - the parts trapped in horrible childhood trauma because they're fragments. They can't stay in the body long other than to re-experience trauma and they can't develope or split more. They relive. Yes that's awful but I wouldn't know how to begin to help them so I can't worry about them.

The two teenage girls that are about remember friends, certain ones, they remember trauma, they have veiws and likes and dislikes - not like the fragments who are all before age 11 roughly. These teenage alters could go either way - grow develop emotionally and mentally or split again. I need to be really careful of them.

So this so totally breaks my heart.
But like after _she_ hurt us, the monster later... and it caused like... physical reactions... we were TERRIFIED of physical stuff, too. In fact, Zor's first girlfriend wasn't until like junior year of HS- like FIVE YEARS later... and holding hands was about all they did, and minor lips-only kisses. She TERRIFIED HIM (and a few of us) the one time she swatted his butt flirtatiously... she pulled him over on top of her on the couch once... and we FREAKED OUT... cuz of the "being over the person" thing felt like the monster's role... even if it was fun, flirtatious, innocent, and in NO WAY similar.

It took until senior year, late, with a diff girlfriend (who came from an abusive home, too) to kiss with the tongue and it scared us so bad it almost made us sick a little later just thinking about it. She once wore skorts that had a skirt a little longer than "girl shorts" are short... and she put his hand on her bare thigh, at the skirt hem... and it TERRIFIED US... Zor included.
Once she put his hand on her butt, her's on his... and we got paralyzed with fear, barely able to move... and she was struggling to understand herself much less OUR reaction(s)...

**TMI warning- not "trigger" per se, but TMI either way***
So I totally sympathize with the "touching is scary"... cuddling even, for Zor (and us- outside like Angel and I, Kitten & Kaleb, Katya & Noah--- our inside partners/husbands)... it's scary... we all struggle with it... and it's odd cuz like we have diff ways of it playing out inside... inside I'm... "over active" (too easily turned on and hard to "turn off"), Kitten and Katya more "balanced" but in an Orthodox Jewish way which has 10-14 days a month they DON'T have sex, cuz of "that time of the month" needing to be over for 7 days)... Sorry if that's all like "TMI"...
**END OF TMI***

And this is all like stuff we can make sense of from the LATER monster... not the one that hurt us as a toddler... But like it's totally made like "sensitive" life hard... Zor struggles to feel physically close with his wife at times- we struggle with that... and it's caused hurt and distance in their marriage... and we're just NOW starting to know why... and heaven forbid she ever learn what sometimes has "turned us on" (him/us... and like the mental images)... Ok, so THIS is a ***TRIGGER WARNING**** cuz of the monster (second) being a girl... that being the "strong" and "not weak, helpless, victim" or whatever... many of the things that appeal as "sexy" are girlish... even personally... there's times HE feels more sexy and appealing dressed feminine, skirts, dresses, tights, etc... some of it is almost certainly us- and we don't know what degree or how much yet, still figuring THAT out... but like sometimes to feel "sexy" and "aroused" there's thoughts of our skirt being pushed up and his wife, since that's the physical action, sliding hands up them, or taking off shorts that don't cover half the thigh, or feeling soft shaved legs and that being sexy... it's a mess...

Zor's NOT GAY, at all... doesn't wanna wear girls' stuff... but our mess of a head and lives all mashed together totally screw with EVERYTHING sex related. That is such a big thing it triggers ALL OF US to some level of being "aware" (even if inside and not outside and being "involved" with their sex life)... and it causes that bleed over, that odd stuff... and the fear of sex makes our influences all he's got sometimes to FEEL it when they're like... you know... and that makes HIM feel shame... and disgust... a man seeing himself in a skirt, it pushed up, and panties touched and taken off... to be "turned on" to have sex, as a man... from THAT image?! Yeah, it bugs him... and if Angel wasn't a "I like skirts as much as pants and guns" type, I could see how that would bother a person, how it'd bother me... how if she knew it'd bother his wife... IDK...
***END TRIGGER WARNING***

So I totally get the conflicting and confusing teen parts feelings and actions and whatever when it comes to this. WE suffer this kinda thing, too... IDK there are answers or solutions to it.

And yes, like before anyone asks, Zor DOES know I was writing this- I saved it as a draft and let HIM publish it after he read it. So it's like ok I mentioned what I did about him and us.

{\Pixie/}

by **Sarandipity** » Thu Sep 12, 2019 5:32 pm

Soft shaved legs are sexy. Hairy legs are not sexy. Hairy chest on a man maybe is sexy but legs, I dunno, you don't hear women or men (I don't think I've ever heard anyone say) "sexy hairy legs" - just to point that out.

The teenage girls disappeared the day before yesterday. They got triggered by life stuff. I don't think they're coming back anytime soon. They were really sweet, other than knowing that the feeling and being of them is completely gone. I feel a bit sad about it but I wasn't used to them being around so it's ok. They don't consider our life situation "safe" because of the bf. Adult parts don't see the bf as a problem but he was massive problem for them. Unless I'm alone ie not in a relationship they won't be back which is a shame because I know they had alot to share about themselves. I can try to coax them out but I don't want to at the moment because if they don't feel safe it isn't fair to pressurise them.

by **Zor** » Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:42 pm

Sarandipity wrote:Soft shaved legs are sexy. Hairy legs are not sexy. Hairy chest on a man maybe is sexy but legs, I dunno, you don't hear women or men (I don't think I've ever heard anyone say) "sexy hairy legs" - just to point that out.

The teenage girls disappeared the day before yesterday. They got triggered by life stuff. I don't think they're coming back anytime soon. They were really sweet, other than knowing that the feeling and being of them is completely gone. I feel a bit sad about it but I wasn't used to them being around so it's ok. They don't consider our life situation "safe" because of the bf. Adult parts don't see the bf as a problem but he was massive problem for them. Unless I'm alone ie not in a relationship they won't be back which is a shame because I know they had alot to share about themselves. I can try to coax them out but I don't want to at the moment because if they don't feel safe it isn't fair to pressurise them.

ROFL Hey, don't encourage Pixie... I could wake up one morning and find she's shaved our legs! ROFL She did PART of them one day... "Just rub them together now... IKR, awesome!" (literally what she said to me inside when I noticed)... Just to tease me. LOL

ALMOST took up the razor to do ALL of our legs... and that evening is when B came over to have the "demon" talk- very good thing she DIDN'T that morning- could you imagine his response to that?!

As for shaved... Yeah, we had to do that before, health reasons- thought we had a cardio/bp issue that required wearing compression pantyhose... and hair makes them not able to grip and apply pressure, acting like lubricant for the lycra, making them pull and slide down- NOT comfortable at all. Shaved and lotioned legs keeps them in place... so for many months I had to shave (long before I knew about being DID- by YEARS)...
I won't lie, it wasn't awful... and things were a LOT more "sensitive" on them- every breeze or touch of the blankets, clothes, etc. NOT bad at all. But I think it is something to EASE into if I let them... not to shock people too much. Maybe a winter thing when we wear pants all season anyway.

Sorry to hear the teen girls are so scared and fleeing. Wish we could make things better. We will hope and pray for something good and better to come for them in all this.

by **SystemFlo** » Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:21 am

What the hell has being gay and dressing like a woman do with each other? Women's clothing is sexual fetish #1 for straight men. You know, people who are into female stuff, unlike gay guys.

Now if you people are so unaware of actual world you can't tell the difference between gay and a person in pantyhose, it's your problem. Do not throw in names of orientations that don't belong in there, because at least you need to know you know nothing.

I'm not into giving sexual education to you. If one can live up to be an adult and not know even most basic things, it's an active choice to stay ignorant.

Sami

by **Sarandipity** » Fri Sep 13, 2019 6:40 am

Floralie wrote:What the hell has being gay and dressing like a woman do with each other? Women's clothing is sexual fetish #1 for straight men. You know, people who are into female stuff, unlike gay guys.

Now if you people are so unaware of actual world you can't tell the difference between gay and a person in pantyhose, it's your problem. Do not throw in names of orientations that don't belong in there, because at least you need to know you know nothing.

I'm not into giving sexual education to you. If one can live up to be an adult and not know even most basic things, it's an active choice to stay ignorant.

Sami

I think we all know that lol so I dunno what the point of your rant is at all... Unless it's some confusion issue you have yourself about the whole subject?

by **SystemFlo** » Fri Sep 13, 2019 11:15 am

Sarandipity wrote:
Floralie wrote:What the hell has being gay and dressing like a woman do with each other? Women's clothing is sexual fetish #1 for straight men. You know, people who are into female stuff, unlike gay guys.

Now if you people are so unaware of actual world you can't tell the difference between gay and a person in pantyhose, it's your problem. Do not throw in names of orientations that don't belong in there, because at least you need to know you know nothing.

I'm not into giving sexual education to you. If one can live up to be an adult and not know even most basic things, it's an active choice to stay ignorant.

Sami

I think we all know that lol so I dunno what the point of your rant is at all... Unless it's some confusion issue you have yourself about the whole subject?

1. You would look way wiser if you'd stop commenting on things you do not have accurate information about. It looks bad, when someone is trying to be a smart ass, but fails. At least say something original.
2. I'm a defender, therefor I defend people who are unable to do it themselves. If your feelings get hurt in the process, you can hate me all you want. I still do what I do. If you don't wanna get hurt, don't step on people who are unable to defend themselves.
3. Your logic is not logical. In the future, when you fail in that area this badly, I'll not bother to comment back to you. It's useless, because you are not able to see the differences. If I have problems with people making untrue assumptions of several sexual minorities, like above, I don't comment on it because I have problems with any of those sexual minorities. Just like if I have problem with mixing little kids and one's sex life together, it doesn't mean I have problems with children or sex in general.

Now rant all you want, I was not talking to you, and will not respond to you. I'm here to watch over you, because you have tendency to not obey forum rules, which I will report, and tendency to start screaming and kicking around attacking outsiders when you get triggered. Will report that one also.

Have a pleasant day.

Sami

by **Sarandipity** » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:07 pm

Still dunno what you're talking about. But I stand by what I said: most people are fully aware that sexuality is different from gender identity is different from fetish. You can have gay or straight or bi or someone who sexually identified as an attack helicopter who also likes to cross dress but is happy with their gender.

You're preaching some kind of pointless message that the majority of people are aware of for what reason? I still don't know. You've insulted, I think because even that isn't clear, me but you haven't said what the point of your original rant was still.

-- Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:09 pm --

Oh I just read your "I will watch you" thingy. So you came here, had a go about nothing, hoping to antagonise me because you enjoy to weald power over others - got it. DW about it, you carry on.

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