I don't know who I am

This might be a bit of a strange one, I'm not sure.

So I don't "know who I am" I know the other alters and I know I'm not any of them. I know when they're coming sometimes. I can't "talk to them" easily like they talk to eachother. I don't think I'm a "core" I just looked that up. Generally the others believe Beth is the "core" or some similar word. They believe that because she is very tearful, traumatised and anxiety ridden. Also she used to use the given name but she gave it up so she didn't upset Karen. I don't even know how I know all of this because I can't talk to the others, I just know it somehow.

I don't feel a connection to the given name either. I don't feel like I have a name but I'm not even "no-one" No-one is a very distinct personality / strong character so I can't even claim in my situation to be "no-one"

I don't feel upset about it or want a name. I've only realised I don't know "who I am" because my bf asks all the time "who are you" and I think about it and I don't know. I don't think I've ever known "who I am" either in relation to the outside world or my other parts. I know what my values are as a person, how I feel about things, how I'd like to live - very simply, appreciating life and without this disorder but I don't know "who I am"

Should I claim a name so I know "who I am" or should I not incase I'm some kind of ghost like middle of the mind where all alters can take over - that sounds a bit science fiction - but perhaps I'm making sense, I don't know.

I don't feel a need to do stuff like the others do. I don't have a specific task or role. Some at the moment are really focused on all the family stuff (police and getting to therapy etc), I'm not a protector either. I have medium level anxiety when I think about all the things the others want or feel a need to do because I feel I should be doing some of it but I don't want to interfere - which is probably stupid considering they're me and I'm them.

I don't really focus on stuff - even just watching a whole film I don't think I'd manage. If I tried to do colouring Mandy would take over. If I tried to do pretty much anything I feel like the others would take over. Even now I feel like I'm loosing contact with this - my vision is starting to blur because this is usually more Beth's thing and occasionally some of the others.

I don't know who I am and I don't know if claiming some kind of identity in a name way would be good or not or make any difference at all. Thanks for reading.

Hi! Picking a name or not is entirely up to you. You should be allowed, but not required. It sounds like you have a good sense of who you are as a person, just without a label per se.

Speaking as an SO, names make it easier to check and see how someone is doing. Internally, with the T, and for myself. Several in my wife’s system took temporary names while deciding what name they wanted.

Now, this is not to be taken as, like, summoning. Her T and I always make it clear that they are free to choose whether or not they come out. It’s an invitation only, but more important for the ones that are more timid or have trouble getting/staying out on their own. Along the lines of, “No you can’t take over. I was invited. This is my time and I am taking it.”

I feel a lot like you do/describe. Im just here, just around and dont really have a function in my system. Dont identify with my body or my name and dont know exactly who I am. Its weird and scary sometimes to when I can feel the others. but im not interested in choosing a name right now. Im dont want other people to know me either (on the outside world) maybe that has something tot do with it I dont know. I dont feel depressed but kinda like not interested all the time.
If you would it could be helpful to get a name and more sense of self. Like Hanks says, you can try a name for a period of time and see how it works for you. I know another part in our system chose her name /told us her name a few week ago after being named angry for years she feels better now.

SOHank wrote:Hi! Picking a name or not is entirely up to you. You should be allowed, but not required. It sounds like you have a good sense of who you are as a person, just without a label per se.

Speaking as an SO, names make it easier to check and see how someone is doing. Internally, with the T, and for myself. Several in my wife’s system took temporary names while deciding what name they wanted.

Now, this is not to be taken as, like, summoning. Her T and I always make it clear that they are free to choose whether or not they come out. It’s an invitation only, but more important for the ones that are more timid or have trouble getting/staying out on their own. Along the lines of, “No you can’t take over. I was invited. This is my time and I am taking it.”

SOHank wrote:Hi! Picking a name or not is entirely up to you. You should be allowed, but not required. It sounds like you have a good sense of who you are as a person, just without a label per se.

Speaking as an SO, names make it easier to check and see how someone is doing. Internally, with the T, and for myself. Several in my wife’s system took temporary names while deciding what name they wanted.

Now, this is not to be taken as, like, summoning. Her T and I always make it clear that they are free to choose whether or not they come out. It’s an invitation only, but more important for the ones that are more timid or have trouble getting/staying out on their own. Along the lines of, “No you can’t take over. I was invited. This is my time and I am taking it.”

Thanks for the response. I'm still me who doesn't know who she is. I keep thinking maybe I'm Beth but I know I'm not because she likes to read clever things and is "super depressed" I know I'm definitely none of the others.

A phone call came in for an appointment. I took the call, made the appointment. As I scrambled around trying to find the other appointments we have someone said "Wednesday is free" and then as I wrote down all the details Paul said "good. I get to kill two birds with one stone and it's perfectly timed" And then he was gone again.

I feel relatively happy, content is a better word. The others don't seem to have that contented "whatever will be will be" they're always trying to do different things. I tend to just go with the flow which is perhaps why I don't have a name or feel like I have an identity of any kind. I'll wear any of their clothes it doesn't bother me. Right now I'm wearing one of Karen's jumpsuit things she would wear clubbing, it's plain so it doesn't look odd during the day. I wore one of Roses dresses yesterday, flowery thing. They have very different taste.

I know I won't be here tomorrow because they have plans of taking all the writings they've done of flashbacks, how our general life was as a child and collating them into one document. It could take one day or two. I don't know but I know I'm not involved in all that.

I'm not lazy or ott uptight. I've done housework, washing, planned dinner and a managed to chill out. I tend to do whatever fits to whatever we're all doing. So I don't really have a set role. I don't inside out know all the things they know, like Karen knows psychology stuff and Beth knows science stuff but I have a "feel" for it all if that makes sense. I couldn't recite the elements of the periodic table or know the difference between Freud and Young but I'm aware of those things - if that makes sense.

With the recent phone call to the police and the hospital admission and the flashbacks it's the same. I'm aware of it but I don't know about it. I feel like all of it gives me a sense of "why" I am even though I don't know "who" I am and I kind of feel it has nothing to do with me even though I know logically it does. But I'm not in control of any of it so in a sense it has nothing to do with me. And because I know I'm not here tomorrow and possibly the day after too, infact I don't know when I will be here again, I make the most of today but in an unpressurized way.

The others seem to have this sense of pressure around them, like the limited time frame means they have to force things into it. I don't feel that. I'll know stuff eg wanting a few items for the garden to encourage Beth outside. If I see an opportunity to get one of those things I do but if I don't then I don't get stressed about it or try to make it happen in the limited time I have.

I wouldn't want to be part of the really hard bits of the next few months, that they're planning. So I don't feel like I miss out. Once they, by whatever means, gets to a specialist therapist I'll be there too, I'm sure and probably I might be around in-between the tough parts but I don't feel I miss out by not being around sometimes or alot even. I have memories, mostly good memories to be fair, I could name all our past friends, pets, hobbiee, places we've been on holiday, lived. I don't feel like I've missed bits like Karen who was gone for years or no-one who was gone even longer.

So I think you're right. I don't need a label. Thanks.

To add to your reflexion:
- why do you need a "purpose"? Can you not exist just for the sake of the joy of existing?
- knowing who/what you are not is the beginning of figuring yourself out, if you ever wish to do that...

Good luck on your journey.

-X-

ArbreMonde wrote:To add to your reflexion:
- why do you need a "purpose"? Can you not exist just for the sake of the joy of existing?
- knowing who/what you are not is the beginning of figuring yourself out, if you ever wish to do that...

Good luck on your journey.

-X-

Hi, that's exactly what this part does. She just exists. The idea of that is lovely. I carry depression and anxiety and have a purpose of emotionaly processing trauma. I don't know the details of the trauma properly even though I just saw it in writing twice. It's gone again from my awareness. But I have the sadness and panic it causes and this feeling that everyone is a threat. I'd rather be just existing and basically oblivious but that's not me. I wallow in stuff, get upset about it, only exist inside this house except occasionally by accident am outside but that never goes well. Just existing sounds great. Beth

Dear "I don't know who I am"

I am midnight.
The others don't know me.
I know them.
I exist.
For a moment.
In the dark of our insomnia.

I watch the stars.
And hug the cat.
And that is all.

Enjoy just being.
We are the stillness in the storm.
The source of energy when they can't cope anymore.
Just be.
Be Content.

I will go back now.
And watch the others.
And wait for the midnight.

ArbreMonde wrote:To add to your reflexion:
- why do you need a "purpose"? Can you not exist just for the sake of the joy of existing?
- knowing who/what you are not is the beginning of figuring yourself out, if you ever wish to do that...

Good luck on your journey.

-X-

"Purpose" is a bit less defined than many think it is or should be. It's true that alters come about because of a need or as a reaction... BUT that singular incident/stress/trauma is just creation- like child being born. It's the START... NO ONE stays the same over time, even alters. They grow and develop as they age, even if they don't identify as "older". They exist over time and WILL CHANGE sometimes. Some of them can change a lot, growing into fully complex and unique whole people- that may have an underlying cause or "purpose", but that gets complicated and complex as the alter and system gets complex and grows.

I am so sick of that over-simplification of them, too. "Well if they had X purpose for being and that's gone..." It's NEVER that simple. Not even at the point that most would say that statement is true.

We ALL have a purpose in a relationship and in life... but it's NEVER black and white and expressively limited- the same, then, is true for alters in a system.

- Now it's true that knowing the trauma that created the alter, what they were trying to do for your system CAN help learn who they are (for others in the system and themselves), IDK it's "required". Generally, though, the more you know a person, their life, their background, the better you understand them- and that stands true for yourself, too- so it only seems natural the same is true for an alter- just like any other person, the more you know their life and background, the more they can be understood.

I agree Zor.

Because I'm like this floater part I feel like I should take ownership of the given name, like I'm supposed to. But I don't want to. I never liked my name as a child. I don't feel I want it. I know it's "my" name, like everyone pretty much knows the given name is their legal name - they read all about birth certificates, what they mean etc and it's accepted as our legal overall name like a company name. But I feel this pressure to take the given name, I don't like it, I don't want it. I make up a name. I had enough of this looming over me. That's how it feels. Like without a name I have no identity and it feels like I have to take the given name. I don't though.