Police or no police?

Thanks again Zor and Dnester.

** TW suicide mentioned and

That was my plan after the first call I made to police at start of July and couldn't remember the call or what I said. Get a therapist and work through it and then when I've processed it to a reasonable degree go to the police.

With the help of my bf I traced in my mind up to that point and after that point. He wasn't with me when I made the call but because of going over the before and after I have some access to the memory of that call. I was in a taxi and said alot to the taxi driver. Then my father was there. I panicked and thought he was going to make me get in his car. The taxi driver got out of the car and was talking to him. I took that chance, went into my house and called the police. I can see myself in my mind's eye sometimes from the front and sometimes from the back.

The call was about an incident when I was 19 and physically attacked by my father on the stairs. I could never remember the whole incident, it was a jumble. This alter remembered the whole incident.

Since that I've had flashbacks of much younger incidents which are equally or more traumatic. I can't personally remember them but an alter has been writing them down. I have what I always had, memories up to a certain point of each incident eg I'm hiding in the bathroom sitting on the bathroom scales in the middle of the night and I'm frightened and hopeless and my father picks me up, sometimes I'd go to sleep in the bath, so this I've always known I did from really small - most of my childhood I felt hopeless and trapped - the flashbacks continue of what happened after these points.

Lately I've had other problems

1. of interjects, my father's voice in my head, which I haven't had before or at least been aware of it.

2. I got trapped in my body and couldn't communicate verbally. My bf recorded me and I did put some of the phrases into Google translate. When typed in the first one came back as Spanish, then the second Italian (I've learnt these very basically, I would of said I don't know these words but I said them), there was also a whole phrase in Chinese Manderin and I can only just about say hello in Chinese so I don't know how I said a whole phrase. The last language was African, I used to watch alot of African films but I don't think in that dialect. And some of what I said was clearly some kind of pigeon English. The phrases I was saying made sense in relation to the conversation I was having with my bf but it didn't directly translate to what I wrote on the paper or the exact words I was thinking.

I felt trapped inside my brain and like someone or something was causing the massive pressure feelings on the outside of my brain and causing my words to come out in various other dialects. For example my bf made a joke about it, it helped that he kept the mood light and I thought or wanted to say "at least you can laugh about this" but I said "at least you can funny" - very incoherently and squashed up but it was just about understandable.

The current problem I have since this incident is some kind of trickster alter telling me that maybe I'm not talking English at all ever and I'm always talking in foreign languages and don't realise. Which is annoying but ignorable as long as I don't get stressed.

3. There's an alter now who says since I had the flashbacks "I'm going to kill myself"
Which is out of character for any other alter. I feel completely detached from the flashbacks and clearly I need a therapist, which is proving to be a very slow process, to go through all this but I am concerned because if I could call the police without knowing I could do something stupid without knowing. I've always loved with images in my mind of harming myself but haven't done that for about 15 years... Except once the other day, also I have more than one mark and I don't know how I got them. It's the alter saying they are going to do it that's bothering me because my parts tend to do exactly what they say they're going to do. If they say "I'd like to.." or "I want to.." or "I feel like.." then that's normal, they're just expressing themselves but "I'm going to..." is a whole other thing. A few weeks before I was hospitalised the twins said "if you don't do something about your parents we're going to drive you mad" which I was basically "mad" the only alter who had control didn't know what was going on at all, Mandy got through a couple of times and when they got frightened and ran Infront of a bus she sat down at the edge of the road and basically saved us but nobody of full adult mental capacity could get through. I said nothing while assessed, which was a good thing, because usually in a hospital threat situation somebody just starts relaying one of the twins stories and we sound delusional and psychotic so saying nothing was better but that's not the point, they said they would drive me "mad" and effectively they did. So and alter threatening death is very concerning to me and somehow I'm going to have to explain this to an NHS person who has no training in DID or interest in it because it doesn't even exist as a problem in their treatment plans and I'm rubbish at explaining anything to do with what actually goes on in my head, I must be or they wouldn't keep telling me I have all these disorders that don't make any sense and they'd realise I have multiple personalities living inside me but they don't so that's rubbish and I'm still going to have to explain it for my own safety. They can't do anything about it though. I'm not suicidal. Someone in my brain saying "I'm going to kill myself" will make me sound schizophrenic and antipsychotics will numb emotional parts and kill the twins stories but it won't stop the part who very calmly is going to kill it's self.

I asked who it was and Mandy said it's Carl. I don't know who Carl is and have not spoken to any alter named Carl, he's never been present in the body as far as I know unless it was him who ran towards the road as a bus came but I don't know it was definitely him.

So I have these other problems springing up now. Interjects, nonsense about language and an alter who says he's going to kill us all. I don't think the alter is suicidal, it's his natural response to the police being called and other parts saying they're going to hand all the flashback notes to the police. He hasn't said he's going to delete the notes... Now other parts want to delete the notes to stop Carl killing us all.

I'm going to try to explain all this to NHS staff when I go to day treatment group but it's not going to get me anywhere. Worse case I get sectioned for being a danger to myself and other worse case they do nothing. I have to sort this out myself somehow... Like "the little red hen" who I watched the other day because an alter who had a flashback wanted to watch a show with a dog called Pippin in it and that story was on the show. I've asked for help all the way through but so far it's been more of a having to sort myself out.

I'm glad most of you have good therapists and are able to get help. At least it's not everyone with this disorder who can't get proper help. I hope it gets better in the future.

I have parts that make threats against my body and parts that speak different languages too. With the harmful part I talk with them and explain that we are a system and if they were to harm the body they would be hurting everyone. Even littles. That part doesnt come out nearly as much now. Could you try that?