Functioning verses Healing

At the moment it feels like I need to heal, to face the truth of the past but to do that may hinder my ability to function.

Parts of me will not accept loosing the ability to function inorder to heal.

How possible is it to maintain functioning and heal?

My life usually involves working full time, running my home and raising four children. Which we have worked really hard to achieve, loads of formal education finding something we can do with minimal stress, loads of parenting classes, learning cooking and baking and arts and crafts to be the best mother we can be. It was a really hard road to get to this level of functioning. In this country I could have accepted the schizophrenia diagnosis, got alot of welfare my whole life and basically done none of things I did. But I wanted to be "normal" and I fought it all, I got to managing myself and being the best mum I could be and working full time. Now it feels like I could loose all that because of needing to heal in some way. It feels like denial of my childhood lets me function and to look at my childhood and accept it was what it was would be too overwhelming to allow me to continue to function.

I guess I'm looking for someone to say "it is possible" but if it isn't I would also like to know so I know I have to make a choice rather than running head long into something without being prepared. But then also it must be different for everyone. So really I guess I'm looking for examples from either side of this.

How much do you sacrifice functioning inorder to heal? Is possibly a better question.

I had this same question when I started therapy. It's a tricky balancing act. But you've sacrificed important parts of yourself to function as well as you have. To start to take care of them will mean putting more energy toward that and less toward your current life--it does mean being less productive and functioning "less well." But what's the alternative? The current situation isn't sustainable if it winds you up in the hospital.

It just has to be done slowly. I was able to put off dealing with any of this until my kids were older and all but one was out of the house. I wouldn't have been able to manage it earlier. But I didn't have any kind of crisis--nothing "forced" me to have to deal with it. I started with my current therapist when everything was going very well in my life and I was feeling ready to deal with "feelings."

I think if you can find a good therapist, they can help you keep managing the important parts of your functioning and start to listen to parts of you who have been neglected.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I had this same question when I started therapy. It's a tricky balancing act. But you've sacrificed important parts of yourself to function as well as you have. To start to take care of them will mean putting more energy toward that and less toward your current life--it does mean being less productive and functioning "less well." But what's the alternative? The current situation isn't sustainable if it winds you up in the hospital.

It just has to be done slowly. I was able to put off dealing with any of this until my kids were older and all but one was out of the house. I wouldn't have been able to manage it earlier. But I didn't have any kind of crisis--nothing "forced" me to have to deal with it. I started with my current therapist when everything was going very well in my life and I was feeling ready to deal with "feelings."

I think if you can find a good therapist, they can help you keep managing the important parts of your functioning and start to listen to parts of you who have been neglected.

This is what I was aiming at, being ok until my children were older. In about 5 years it wouldn't have been so disruptive, they would not have been at my parents even if they were still living at home. It happened how and when it happened though. I was keeping my parents at a distance, the children saw them for short periods and it gave them the illusion of a "normal" family without risking their well-being. My daughter took up football and my dad started coaching the team. Two weeks before going into hospital she was two hours late back and no phones answered, I started panicking. She was ok but it set my mind off and it snow balled from there. I went and got really drunk that weekend and I don't usually drink.

A part of me called the police about two weeks later. I remember getting into my dad's car and telling him I was going to call the police because of my childhood. Then I said take me to the hospital but he didn't take me to the hospital and was heading in the opposite direction to the hospital he said he was going to. I challenged this and eventually he took me to the hospital, I left him in there and took a taxi home and called the police. I know I also said loads to the taxi driver but I can't remember what and I can't remember the police call but I know I called them.

Then I was alone for a day or two in my house. I started to feel trapped and a part kept saying "I blew up the world" which was taken literally by other parts which caused alot of confusion. I went to the hospital and after 4 days my brain was pretty much back to normal. I rested there except for my mother and father doing usual spiteful and controlling stuff. I still am struggling with my father telling my bf I never studied Chemistry and that I make stuff up. It's an odd thing to say, I still have my work from when I did that because I keep most stuff I've studied. Then I realised they also told my ex mother in-law I have a drinking problem and at one point spread a rumour I was addicted to online bingo - I hate bingo. I went about 4 times to an actual bingo hall with some other women and hated it so it was a really bizarre rumour to spread. Luckily my bf knows I don't drink very often, about 5 times a year and that's usually one or two drinks, so he told my ex mother in-law the truth. I know logically it's to discredit anything I say but i still find it so hard to accept. Then they send messages like "I love you. I miss you" which again I know isn't true and it's the usual beat me down with whatever they can and then say words that don't fit any of it - typical abuse tactic really. But it's still hard for me to fully take on board.

You're right though, what is the alternative. Carry on and this happens again in 1 or 2 or 5 years. Crawling around for another however long avoiding reality isn't going to work. The part who pressed the "blow up the world button" said "and I'm going to keep pressing it" So I don't really have a choice.

Thanks Gang.

Sarandipity wrote:At the moment it feels like I need to heal, to face the truth of the past but to do that may hinder my ability to function.

Parts of me will not accept loosing the ability to function inorder to heal.

How possible is it to maintain functioning and heal?

My life usually involves working full time, running my home and raising four children. Which we have worked really hard to achieve, loads of formal education finding something we can do with minimal stress, loads of parenting classes, learning cooking and baking and arts and crafts to be the best mother we can be. It was a really hard road to get to this level of functioning. In this country I could have accepted the schizophrenia diagnosis, got alot of welfare my whole life and basically done none of things I did. But I wanted to be "normal" and I fought it all, I got to managing myself and being the best mum I could be and working full time. Now it feels like I could loose all that because of needing to heal in some way. It feels like denial of my childhood lets me function and to look at my childhood and accept it was what it was would be too overwhelming to allow me to continue to function.

I guess I'm looking for someone to say "it is possible" but if it isn't I would also like to know so I know I have to make a choice rather than running head long into something without being prepared. But then also it must be different for everyone. So really I guess I'm looking for examples from either side of this.

How much do you sacrifice functioning inorder to heal? Is possibly a better question.

IDK you CAN get to healing and facing things buried without SOME disruption. I've had a lot, but I'm not in a position to have to worry about working and stuff...

Best I can say is go slow, smaller steps at a time... and balance the need to process trauma and work out the pain and feelings with needing to remain more functional, too... and maybe with your T (I wouldn't recommend pushing forward without some sort of guidance and help) can help work with you to do it slowly.

I think it IS possible... but "how much do you sacrifice"... that's entirely subjective to you, each/all of you... For example, Pixie's been very good about diving in with me for the most part, others are NOT so keen on getting into stuff that hurts them or scares them. How much to sacrifice will ultimately depend on how much I want to put myself, and them, through and how fast. And that may change per situation, per incident of trauma we're working through, or different life situations, too.

So IDK anyone can give you an answer, but I think we can tell you it IS possible... but I think we can also say it won't be easy, either.

Good therapy will start with safety and stabilization. That includes learning how to contain "stuff" between sessions, unpacking it to work on only when and where you choose to, so you can function.

This is why one trait of a high functioning person is that they seek recommendations from other clients and shop around to find a suitable therapist. The seeking recommendations step can be embarrassing and will produce mostly dead ends, but is so worth it.

Una is spot-on. The right therapy aims to preserve functionality, even improve it during therapy work.

The rest of this is an analogy that's graphic so I'm going to give it a *** TRIGGER WARNING ***

I view the effects of abuse and how I developed mentally to deal with that as if a great bomb had gone off near me when I was very young. The bomb sent thousands of chunks of metal and shrapnel in various places all over my body. Now these physical pieces are big or small, sharp or dull, but sometimes when I move they're excruciatingly painful. But I've gotten so used to some pain it seems normal. And if I stay pretty quiet and don't move a lot, things seem okay. I can't do a lot of big, fun, life-affirming things other people do but I tell myself, so what, I didn't want to do them anyway. Meanwhile, the shrapnel slowly leaches toxins into my system, making me sick and preventing any real healing.

Then one day I go to a doctor and get an xray. She tells me I have shrapnel everywhere but with careful work over time I can excise them and heal. So I have a decision: to continue to the end of life, semi-crippled, limited and in pain, or to risk the possibility of additional discomfort now for a chance at an infinitely healthier, happier future.

If there's any question, let me make it clear that the shrapnel in this analogy are not individual alters, the shrapnel is what is held by various parts of us.

Very good analogy, Johnny-Jack. Thank you.

MDs

The analogy I get. Thank you Johnny Jack.

The finding the right therapist I get. Thank you Una.

Thanks Zor, you're right if I take slower steps that will help.

Wow, that analogy was great! Thanks for that!