Maintaining other alters relationships

How do you know when you should let a friendship end because the alter who is now up front most of the time can't relate to people who were friends of 'past alters'?

Do you try and keep relationships going at all costs or constantly end relationships and start new ones when alters change? (more so if you have ones that would consistently front for daily life for many years before switching - say 5-10yrs or more).

Or if you are the 'original self' of the body before other alters started developing and you're now more able and 'fronting' and doing more of daily life but don't like or don't trust someone who has been in 'the bodies' life for years. But they only see the person they originally made friends with. (They can't be trusted to be told about the DID or your system strongly believes this to be so)


You can't actively end the friendship as they may want to know why (and what if the alter who was friends with them decides to re-emerge at a later date to find you cut ties with their friends?) and one of your system is paranoid and doesn't trust them, (have past evidence they discussed my reasons for leaving social media with others who were on both our friends lists so certainly won't trust her with details of multiple alters and 'mental illness') so what do you do?

Maybe it's just me that's really 'disconnected' and I shouldn't be even seeing it as a 'relationship from someone else's life? Is this what Depersonalisation is?

Kit

It may be you who's disconnected, yes, but what you're describing feels a lot like something that has less to do with your own dissociation and more with the presence of the others.

We used to end relationships with people for no particular reason, especially when Nico practically became the host. When the body was 15 we remember going on a sort of unfollow spree with all the people we knew, just telling them we didn't want to talk to them anymore. Mi didn't know why that happened all of a sudden, but now we know.

We don't suggest doing it like that. The thing you can do is just to keep the relationship going while as politely as possible you stop actively engaging with other people. If the relationship dies, then they were not really friends to begin with. If it does not die but you simply talk way less, then when that alter will surface again they will still have some of the people they have known.

Would this be possible?

Mi & Nico

exul wrote:It may be you who's disconnected, yes, but what you're describing feels a lot like something that has less to do with your own dissociation and more with the presence of the others.

We used to end relationships with people for no particular reason, especially when Nico practically became the host. When the body was 15 we remember going on a sort of unfollow spree with all the people we knew, just telling them we didn't want to talk to them anymore. Mi didn't know why that happened all of a sudden, but now we know.

We don't suggest doing it like that. The thing you can do is just to keep the relationship going while as politely as possible you stop actively engaging with other people. If the relationship dies, then they were not really friends to begin with. If it does not die but you simply talk way less, then when that alter will surface again they will still have some of the people they have known.

Would this be possible?

Mi & Nico

I guess, but I'm not sure if Maddie will ever return or Thea and there just seems to be no motivation, no feelings at all for me (Kit)

But I was reading Sleeping Wolf's post on 'Gaps in the Mind' and I'm wondering if its because the relationship was with Thea and Maddie, neither of who are around anymore and don't even come into the 'background' anymore when the friend is visiting?

I feel its just me mimicking 'Maddie' like I'm playing Maddie's part in a film ...so the friend still feels she's visited 'Maddie' but I felt nothing. I was just acting for a couple of hours hoping it would be over soon, so I could go back to being myself. Feel like I'm sat there waiting for someone to say 'Ok,it's a wrap!' or 'it's in the can' like they do when they've finished filming a scene!

But this bit

If the relationship dies, then they were not really friends to begin with

That's kind of the whole point...in MY... KIT's mind, she isn't 'my friend' ...she was Thea's friend originally then Maddie was able to continue the relationship, I think that continued because the friend knew 'Maddie' was just a screen name (originally) on social media because my dad had told me not to use my real name in chat rooms,so the 'friendship' continued into Maddie's life when she became a full alter. I then felt I had to be 'Maddie' when she visited in real life too

As she'd met 'the body' originally as deaf student I couldn't suddenly be hearing again either! (though I didn't at that point understand my problem was auditory processing problems due to the autism - Maddie was in denial about the autism existing,so never told anyone and had no interest to research it further. She believed she couldn't walk and was a full-time wheelchair user so that's what she said on social media and so consequently was always in a wheelchair when the 'friend' visited).

Thea hasn't been around since 'I' finally really understood my 'hearing problem' was due to auditory & language processing problems not actual hearing loss as such. Maybe that's when the 'disconnect' started?

I don't see myself or this body as 'culturally deaf' anymore so we no longer have anything in common and having had some element of physical recovery I no longer see myself as a 'full time wheelchair user' (though I still do need a wheelchair or scooter for distance and need crutches outside - or a rollator to help my balance over uneven ground). It's only really bad in winter due to an arthritis 'flare up' triggered by freezing temperatures)

I think because I'm Kit when I'm walking round the house (and don't need any aids on flat ground can just use the walls and worktops/furniture etc) I no longer see myself as 'Maddie' either- or the body is not Maddie's anymore.

Actually writing all this out I've just realised ...I've finally reconnected to my physical body, but not to the people who still only see 'the body' as 'Maddie and Thea???