Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

thanks Gang & Eliseahorse & G/Hosties

i've been feeling kinda frustrated the last couple days cos it feels like we made a whole bunch of progress & learned a bunch of stuff, then it just sorta stopped

we havent been able to move forward yet & i'm kinda impatient lol

i keep getting messages that we need to go slow & stuff, after the progress we need to pause & regroup but i'm impatient lol.

(i think part of that is just cos i'm excited to try using this new infromation somehow but also part of it is fear that if we don't do anything with it we'll just forget it all.)

also been extra discociated the last 2 days & Em's been really quiet & not around to help. i can force myself to focus & be present & stuff but that takes so much energy i can't do anything else & then as soon as i stop focusing i'm exhausted & drained.

probably gona try taking it easy for a coupledays & see if some extra rest helps

we still havent really been able to work on this stuff like i wanted

last 2 weeks weve been having anxiety attacks & stress & stuff cos of work & life & stuff

like one huge stress thing after another, feels like every 2 or 3 days, just when we start to finally get over the last thing then a new thing hits & it starts all over again

having more amnesia again too & i think its cos of all the stress
like as if the only way to deal with stuff is to forget it, & we lose big chunks of other stuff too cos its just all swept up & deleted to get rid of whatever's set us off

thankyou Zamiel

theres not much we can do right now but wait & see what happens
till then we cant really make any plans or decisions
everything depends on what other people say & do

it is thanksgiving weekend in canada
we have ignored the last 3 emails & idk how many phone calls from the mother
we ar worried she might show up on our doorstep againn tho
we wish there was a way to gett her to leave us alone that wont turn into her being the victim & crying & stuff, or getting mad & attacking us
we just wanna do our thing & not deal with her anymore

We've managed to avoid contact with the mother so far. Not opening her email, not answering her phone calls. Today she got the sister to text us, asking us to contact the mother because she is worried. We will attempt to send an email to placate them for a while.

Work remains an uncertainty, in the sense that we know for certain our income is going to go down but we do not know when or by how much. It may be a slow decline or we may lose it in chunks. There's nothing we can do to salvage the situation as it's out of our hands, and no way to get any sort of concrete dates or figures. We know the first drop will be next week, but that's all we know.

Mentally we've already (consiously) disengaged from that business. We've done our best to accept the situation and are looking ahead to options and alternatives. (Subconsiously will take much longer to let go of it, due to how long it's been a part of our life. We have a lot of trauma tied up in work, thanks to our father.)

Right now our big hope is that viola can continue to grow her writing income. She's been doing well to build an audience and is making part-time wages via Patreon. In addition to that she's going to try converting some of her finished novels to e-book format then try to sell them at the usual online places. That's been a low priority so far, but it will become much more important as our other income starts to dry up.

We haven't made much progress in terms of therapy lately. Not since our break-through in the summer when we recognized that our system is polyfragmented. We're getting better at listening to / hearing / noticing internal communications, but we've got a lot more work to do in terms of actually acting on / responding to those messages.

On the other hand we're not doing well at self-care. We're managing, getting by, but not thriving. We're very forgetful and lose track of time, though I'm sure at least part of that is lack of interest. viola spends most of her waking hours writing, thinking about writing, researching for writing, editing, and reading. She keeps better track of her characters' lives than our own.

It might be an oversimplification, but I'm sure if we didn't have to worry about work / income we'd be a lot better off. We expend so much energy worrying about it (we have frequent nightmares based on work and our parents) that it's a noticable drain on our mental resources.

We would all be very happy if we could make a comfortable living from viola's writing. She enjoys it and she's been very prolific, nearly 1.5 million words published in just over 18 months. (I believe that's the equivalent of about 15 full-length novels.)