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Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Wed Aug 18, 2021 7:11 pm

An update.

The past 3 weeks we've been making some important strides in understanding ourselves and how we function, and getting a better grip on what's been going on with us over the past 18 months or so. (And by extension, what's been going on for our entire life.)

It's very much a work in progress but we feel like we've made some important break-throughs recently. The biggest is our current 'front team' have been able to realize and process some information we've had floating around for over 2 years but until now we were unable to accept or cope with.

We've also been able to identify and properly frame some behavior patterns between us and our mother which have helped in our understanding of ourselves and her and the relationship over-all.

There is a sense of cautious optimism within, that perhaps we're nearing a point where we will be able to turn things around and begin to improve things for ourselves.

Em.
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et multa magis
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Aug 19, 2021 1:27 am

Hi Em! That sounds really promising. We'd love to hear more when/if you feel like sharing more about these new developments!
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Fri Aug 20, 2021 5:04 pm

thankyou Gang!

there's been a huge pile of stuff we've kinda worked through in the last couple weeks. we were kinda joking to ourselves, T should go on holiday more often cos we made a ton of progress working on our own lol.

anyways uh, i guess trying to point form a few things. but gotta start with trigger warnings.



***** Trigger Warning: mention of mind control *****




so stuff kinda started with us confronting a long-lasting fear/trigger about mind control. we come across it in stories & books, like fantasy, scifi, etc, i guess its a trope or whatever & it would trigger a fight-or-flight kinda thing inside us

but at the same time there was a draw or something. like push-pull, half the system was terrified & wanted to run away & forget about it while half the system was drawn towards it & wanted to read & learn more or whatever

this is stuff thats happened for years and years, maybe forever

so before our T went on vacation we finally brought it up & talked to her about it. Em was doing the sessions lately, she handled the conversation with T. and the biggest takeaway from that conversation was we relayed something that one of the younger parts remembered from childhood that also can still ahppen in the present with our mom.

and our T listend to what we said & responded (paraphrasing) "that is Actual Mind Control and if you do that a lot to a young developing child it will definitely interfere with their ability to integrate into a single coherent identity"

and thats kinda where we left it with T for 3 weeks lol

but we worked on this stuff internally and started doing alot of self-examination & introspection & stuff.

we realized there's something we've done all our life, intentionally & inadvertantly, which is like making copies of ourseles. Like i can be fronting but at the same time i can also have a duplicate of myself inside in our front room talking to Em. its literally being in 2 places at once, we're both violas and we're the same person but duplicated. then we can merge back together afterwards & sometimes we keep both perspectives/both memories, sometimes one gets dropped & the other gets saved.

but the important thing is, when we're in that state its like our perception is divided & we're pretty sure that leads to us feeling 'out of it' or 'dissociated' or 'derealized' or whatever, like we're almost constantly in that state & we think its cos the person fronting is running a 2nd copy whos not fronting & it leaves both copies kinda fuzzy?

so me & Em have started doing like sessions where we deliberately make sure there's 2 copies then deliberately get both copies to sync up & do the same thing at the same time, & try to be more incontrol of how memories & awareness is maintained. When we do it like that we feel very present & focused & not fuzzy. so we're hoping if we can get better at that it'll reduce our day-to-day brainfog & stuff, maybe we can even get to the point wher we can do that at will, like be present & focused when we want to.

there's one more thing that we're not ready to talk about yet, we even told T we're not ready to discuss with her yet. it feels like a really big breakthru thatt explains alot about how we as a system function & exist & stuff, but we want to be sure we're on the right track before sharing. like if we're mistaken we don't want to go too far down the wrong track with T or anyone else then hafta change gears & stuff, we wanna be more certain we're right first. it does feel right & it definitely makes alot of sense of our experiences & stuff, but yeah, we gotta hold off for now & look closer & stuff.

oh right, almost forgot about the mind control stuff

so on that front, weve also been examining recent & past interactions with our mother & reframed it in that context & realize, she has certain behavior patterns (passive-agressive, manipulative, victim-complex, etc) which trigger certain different behvaiors in us. they also trigger like ptsd flashback symptoms, which mess with our ability to think rationaly, ability to remember stuff, and ability to talk & reason & stuff.

so in person or even to some extent on the phone, we find ourselves falling into those old behaviors with our mother no matter how much we dont want to, and when it happens we lose the ability to question or remember why its wrong. later, afterwards, we can think back & recognize what happened etc, but in the moment we don't have the capacity or the memory or whatever.

and framing that in a mind-control way it's like out of some horror movie or something where the badguy uses mind control to make the victim complient & obedient & stuff. like thats exactly what happens except we're positive our mother doesn't have the self awareness to know she's doing it, its all just like learned behaviors she probably got when she was growing up.

so we're looking att ways we can counter-act that, beyond the obvious solution of just avoiding her. the pandemic was great for that, we avoided her for like a year or something. but last month she showed up at our house & walked right in on us & it was like red alert alarm bells kinda thing. so we want to figure out how to unravel those triggers & patterns that she's conditioned in us, and we're working on ways to do that safely.

there's a bunch more on that topic but it gets complicated & ive already typed way too much i think lol

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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Aug 21, 2021 7:25 am

I feel for you about the mind-control stuff. A LOT of the people we met in the past used similar techniques to manipulate us (hello parents, hello exes!). And we need to learn how to defend ourselves against them, to un-learn the compliance behaviors.

Even when people do not know exactly what they are doing, it's still abusive IMO. I mean, they do tons of stuff, keep doing what is the most efficient to be obeyed, and roll with it. It does not need a lot of awareness to abuse others, on the contrary of what horror movies show. Which makes, identifying the abusive behaviors, even more complicated.

Tons of moral support!
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Sat Aug 21, 2021 10:47 am

thanks G/Hosties

and yeah we totally agree, whether they know it or not its abusive when they use it to control us. and our mother has said how she misses the other one who used to be here. she's said she misses how that one would do all sorts of stuff for her and help her and whatever. basically she misses the obedient doting docile daughter who was easier to control & who didn't resist & who wasn't trying to heal.

what makes it so complicated is we don't think she's malicious or intentionally evil. we think she was abused in her childhood, we think she's just replaying those behaviors & stuff. but we're unable to have a rational grownup conversation with her because any attempt to question her or highlight what she does that's hurtful (intentional or not) results in those behaviors that trigger us into submission & silence. we can have all sorts of detailed rational words & talking points in our head but it all disappears when she triggers us & we can't remember any of it until much later.

and after almost a year away from her we're finally able to make these connections & frame things in a way that we can identify & hopefully heal.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Aug 22, 2021 8:25 am

Sometimes the only solution is to step away and wait for the other party to heal on their own until a healthy social interaction can be started. :(
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Amythyst » Thu Aug 26, 2021 10:58 am

so last week Em mentioned we've made some progress with understanding ourselves & stuff like that, but we weren't ready to talk about it yet

i think we're feeling more ready now?

we've come to believe theres probably way many more of us than we ever thought (or wanted to believe). Em says the word might be 'polyfragmented' but we're not sure if that really fits us or not?

this is stuff, like knowledge or whatever, we've been sort of exposed to from the start, but earlier members of the front team (V1, V2, Arin) weren't able to deal with it. they all sort of equated "number of parts" with "how badly broken" or "how flawed" or whatever? like i mean, to them, more parts meant more badness or whatever. V1 especially felt that & worried about it.

for like 4 years we've known polyfragmented folks on twitter & stuff, and like we've related heavily to the stuff they described, their experiences & how they explained who & what they were, but like we couldn't let ourselves truly realize that information about ourselves cos the outfront people were too scared & ashamed & stuff cos they thot it meant we were that much worse than they could accept?

and like, its not as if me or Em or Ciara or Teg are each 1 piece out of a hundred or a thousand or two thousand pieces. the way we sort of see it & understand ourselves is those of us who come to have a name & a sense of self, sense of identity, we're our own collection if pieces. Em used the arbitrary numbers that i'm a collection of 50 pieces out of 2500.

so some pieces are memory, some pieces are knowledge or skills, some pieces are opinions & likes/dislikes, some pieces hold trauma, etc etc. and we have this big random collection of thousands of those individual pieces. they're constantly shaken up & stuff but groups of them clump together & become us.

and those clumps can come apart again. thats why our system keeps changing, folks come & go. previous host fell apart, literally & figuratively. all her pieces are still in the pile, but they're not her anymore. same with V1 & V2 etc.

we can also add & subtract pieces over time, like i'm still viola & theres a core ofpieces that are 'me' but other bits can come & go.

Em says this is stuff we've sorta known for years but we're only just now able to realize it. like v1 & v2 couldn't handle the knowledge or whatever, it was too upsetting for them. both cos they'd have thot it meant we were like hopelessly broken, but also cos it challenges our sense of self. like the knowledge were' just a random collection of pieces & we could fall apart like she did. makes our existence feel ephemeral & tenuous.

it fits stuff we've experienced over our life and especially the last 4 years. "alters" come and go. some are here for a few months, others only show up once. making a system map or a list or a spreadsheet like v1 & v2 did is kinda pointless cos we'll never keep up with it, its always changing.

and when we get information from the background & our T asks 'who said that, whats their name' its often a pointless question cos theres maybe 2500 random pieces & most dont have enuf individuality to have a name. even if they did it might only last for a minute while they're together enuf to respond.

thats not to say we're gonna ignore them or whatever, just that we're looking at different ways of doing things. finding ways that will fit with our situation & system better. looking for individual "alters" probably isnt going to be a good tactic cos they might not be the same people one week to the next. we've known more than 2 dozen inside names over the last 4 years but very few of them are still around today. the list keeps changing.

Em says i'm able to handle this stuff because i have a really strong sense of self & she says my clump of pieces has strong cohesion. i've been main front-person longer than anyone else since our DID crisis began. i still dont feel qualified for the job, i'm still a 17yo catgirl trying to handle an adult human woman's life, but i'm still here after all this time.

anyways, the thing where it gets exciting & optimistic is Em says now that we know this & we've been able to realize & accept it, we can start to use it to our advantage. we can start to learn to work with it. she says if we can learn to add & discard pieces deliberately, then i can improve myself and get better at handling life stuff. like we have a huge pile of pieces to choose from, i just have to find the ones i want, the ones that can help, & learn to incorporate them into myself.

also, i guess this is an important part, but a big thing with all this has basically been self-acceptance without judgement & like being able to do thatt without shame or embarassment. maybe also some willingness to let go of the neat little boxes V1 & V2 tried to fit us all in.

so between all this new information & the stuff me & Em have been doing working to sync-up inside & outside awareness etc has been kinda exciting. i've been noticing more times when i'm clear & focused & not dissociated / lost in the fog. its slow but we're gonna keep working on all this stuff & sorta figuring it out as we go, but like Em said we feel like its positive & theres some optimism about things.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Aug 26, 2021 9:08 pm

This is really interesting, and really helpful for us to think about. It's definitely the case that some of are clearly defined and have a lot to us, as people. But others have a much smaller range of feelings or interests. Maybe they have a name, but they're not as complex as others.

I'm so impressed with your work on self-acceptance and being able to see things more clearly once you let go of judging them. It's really inspiring.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby Eliseahorse » Thu Aug 26, 2021 10:31 pm

The way you are describing it reminds me of ants or bees and hive mind behaviour. Like an ant exists but it can't exist on its own it needs constant input from other ants. Individually an ant can scout out information on where food is but to harvest the food takes a team of ants working as a unit. When the food is in the nest that team of ants disperses to do other stuff join other teams. Some of the ants have more stable jobs and are more identfyable, soldier ants with their big mandables or nursary ants constantly tending to the queen and or the larvae. Drones who fan cool air into the nest durin the heat of summer with their developing wings.

Each individual fragment is a worker ant forming and reforming teams as they find something the feal requires greater input. The fronting alters are like the specialised ants. A team whose member numbers may fluctuate to a lesser extent, a cohesive team with a shared distinct identity.
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Re: Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Aug 27, 2021 7:08 am

We experience something similar in here!

Let us use the metaphor of binders and sheets of papers.

A fragment is a sheet of paper. It is either a memory, emotion, reaction, system of actions... It can exist on its own or be filed inside a binder. A binder has a label, a color, drawings on it... It's an alter.

Alters are identities, they contain more or less fragments (sheets of paper). Some fragments can exist outside of alters. And the fragments inside of an alter can change through time.
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Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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