Feeling superior because i'm the host

Thanks, V2. I have a few thoughts (well, more than a few) about my place in our system as it relates to the topic of this thread. I'm trying to figure out how much to say and how to say it.

The whole proposition of doing so is like looking at yourself in a mirror under fluorescent lighting....seeing all the flaws and imperfections that I don't want to see.

Charity

i think for us it's a big mishmash of things bcs a fair bit of the system have been hosts before. i'm the current host, but jones has been a host before, so has lain, so has bubbles. me and jones both don't know a lot about our past or our trauma (though we both have more recent trauma that we're strongly tied to) and handle outside stuff really well. lain knows a lot about our past and our trauma but doesn't handle outside stuff as well. charles knows a lot about our past and our trauma and handles outside stuff better than any of us. the littles can't handle any outside stuff at all.

we all have different skills, different things we can handle, different levels of memory recall, different connections to the past/our trauma. we try and deal with situations depending on who can best deal with it. the role of "host", for us, used to mean having an Oblivious Host. when the host gets too tired or knows too much, they're replaced by someone else. it wasn't safe back then for us all to communicate and for the system to change. it's different now though, so we're trying to share the front between us more so i'm not the only one having to deal with the outside world and everything that comes with it.

different things work for different systems. what works for us wouldn't necessarily work for someone else, and all our individual circumstances are so wildly different too. trauma isn't cookie cutter and the way DID manifests and presents is gonna be pretty different depending on lots of different factors. it feels like that to me anyway.

- alice

Floralie wrote:You don't feel superior. Person who does, does not ask for help from other people to change it, instead they feel superior. You're more likely scared or what ever, the question is about what. Inside? Reality of life with DID?

It's your feeling, you name it to me. I'm not a psychic.

Sami

Thanks this really calmed me. I found it very disturbing, that I value myself as more worthy than other parts (which still is true to some extent) but I think my "unwillingness" to share time in the body and to be open comes from a place of fear. I am scared of giving up control to parts I don't know, it's like lending a complete stranger your car without even knowing if they can drive. I'm also scared of the inside...

Allcoulors wrote:why do you want them to fully take over? Do they want to? Whats the problem with being co present? If you as a host can work on your fear of losing control and wanting to be out the most, then co counciousness can be a very good place to be in because it alowes you to work together with your parts.. Also, your just a part to..

I really need to try and remember that I am just a part of the whole too. It's really not like I'm a whole pie and they are the whipped cream, I'm just part of the pie. I think I want them to take over fully for validation? I currently feel very much like an imposter and like I have created these parts because I read a lot about this (iatrogenic i think is the word), and I also feel kind of embarassed by what the parts do sometimes... I feel so stupid watching my body sing awfully off-key or run after puppies... (I have terrible social anxiety, I think that fear/disgust stems from there)

MakersDozn wrote:lartiste,

It takes courage to say what you said. We all have thoughts and feelings that may not be considered appropriate, and we often keep them to ourselves, perhaps feeling shame for not being acceptable. Maybe this doesn't completely describe your experience, but it's your right to feel as you do.

How do your others react to these feelings? And how do your feelings affect your actions?

MDs

Thank you for saying this. I have a habit of not ever talking about what is going on in my head, but that doesn't help me either, so I thought I'd voice my thoughts a little more often, even if I don't necessarily like them. The others feel a little unwanted. And I can't really blame them because some part of me (julia, just a feeling of mine) doesnt really want them to be real, but I do realize that if they are real I can not ignore them.... I act on my feelings by avoiding triggers a lot. I don't even really know what my triggers are, I just know when a headmate fronted and what I did right before, so I avoid these situations (getting tickled for example, or playing minecraft) eventhough I might like to engage in these activities... In the moment I am just terrified of giving up control and having someone take over, that I don't allow anyone to tickle me, for example

raptureblues wrote:i struggle with this too, not as bad as i used to, but it's still a struggle.

i find it hard to be co-conscious because it raises a whole host (haha) of issues to do with denial, control issues, and trauma associations. for me, co-consciousness is a relatively new thing that's started happening since we, as a system, began communicating more. we've ended up sharing the front a lot more than before, which has been difficult to adjust to.

i turn to this idea of being "different" or "more real" than the others when the denial gets bad. it's comforting when i'm scared and overwhelmed. i don't feel like that as much since we started working together as a system and talked to each other more. the others used to resent me quite heavily for things, but once they understood why i feel the way i do, they help me with it now. equally, i understand how they feel a lot better now too. i don't see it as "me" vs "them" anymore. they're not enemies or threats or "others", we're all part of the same system.

the point is, this kind of thing is really personal for individual systems. you guys should do what feels best for you. you're probably feeling scared and overwhelmed. denial is protective, more than anything. maybe you need to take a step back from certain things. also, the others in the system maybe don't know how you're feeling, or don't understand why you feel the way you do, so maybe just talking this out with them might help?

i don't know if any of that rambling is useful, but i hope things improve for you.

- alice

Thank you for sharing, my problem is that there is very little communication between me and my parts. I try to talk to them or go inside to talk to them, I write letters and actively talk with them but nothing comes back. They just come out every once in a while (I stay co-present) and do what they want to do and then go again. I don't know how I could talk with them about it, I'm not able to reach them really... I also had a somewhat disturbing inner world experience and I don't feel welcome in my system anymore... like the others would be happier if I wasnt there.

Johnny-Jack wrote:That said, our hosts were "inferior" compared to other alters in terms of important traits and skills, like calming the body down, setting boundaries with negative people, knowledge about our system, experiencing and expressing trust and love, leadership of all alters, dealing with anything sexual, exercising, relaxing in general, remembering, etc. Once it became clear to me, a host, how unskilled I was in key areas of life (including the ability to socialize, held by another host), it was quite humbling.

Thank you for replying. I am aware of a few things I just can't do like feeling anger, setting boundaries, dealing with anything sexual and I know that for example Lucy is a lot stronger regarding dealing with emotional pain, I don't think that any of us are not needed or are worth less, but I am still very scared of the others.

IainEtc wrote:
The person who knows what's going on outside is the person who doesn't know what's going on inside. So host is saying like 'Why am I feeling this?' and inside parts are saying 'Why are we doing this?'.


Iain

Thank you for your reply, do you have any successful strategies to help make every (or at least most) part become aware of inside and outside? Or am I way too ahead of myself?

MakersDozn wrote:Respectfully disagreeing with the last point.

Every system is unique. Several in our system who front regularly are emotional people with quite a bit of system knowledge. Others in our system who front are just as aware but less emotional and more even-keeled. So our system doesn't identify with the paradigm of Unaware Host With Headmates Hiding Information. Just as we don't identify with the EP/ANP concept in the theory of Structural Dissociation.

In short, our fronters are simply the ones "driving the bus."

MDs

I also don't really fit with EP/ANP, neither are my headmates any more aware than I am. One of the first questions all of them have asked me was "how many of us are there", my response usually goes "I was hoping you could tell me that...." Thank you for your input.

Amythyst wrote:For our system we totally fit that idea of the unaware host & headmates hiding stuff, up till it all fell apart 2 years ago. Then previous host couldn't deal with it at all, and she just ended herself. Since then our system has been more like what MD describes. We don't even feel like there is a host at all now.

But we can relate to the fear or whatever of letting go & letting others take over. V1 was especially afraid of littles taking over. She'd rather have lost time than be coconsious while a little was fronting, cos she was super afraid of acting wierd or childish or whatever.

I think tho it just takes time to get over that? Like, practice it at home. Let other parts take over when you're alone and noone's gonna see and you don't hafta worry about dealing with other people. Try to stay coconsious with them and try to get to know them better.

But also, don't push it. Don't force anyone to front if they don't wanto to. And don't push yourself either, don't try to rush through stuff just cos it seems thats the thing to do?

Good luck.

V2

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry you all had to go through such a stressful time two years ago and I hope you have managed to heal since then. I also feel very embarassed when littles take over, and so far all that I am aware of is littles. I am usually at home and alone, but still feel stupid..

raptureblues wrote:
different things work for different systems. what works for us wouldn't necessarily work for someone else, and all our individual circumstances are so wildly different too. trauma isn't cookie cutter and the way DID manifests and presents is gonna be pretty different depending on lots of different factors. it feels like that to me anyway.

- alice

This is something that is very difficult to come to terms with. All my life I have kept looking for answers as to why I feel so different to everyone else... now that I know why I feel so alienated I still can't take a onesizefitsall treatment. It feels like everybody is just poking at things with sticks a little and hoping it will work . Thank you for your reply.

I've been in a way in a same position, in a way not at all.

I think I started feeling the presence of Sami when I was a kid. I was scared of super natural things a lot, and felt presence of someone/something a lot. I thought it was something super natural, but now I think it was in fact just my defender, who came close because I was scared.

Year after year I felt I'm being watched all the time, and I was super aware of everything I do because of that. I never told about it to anyone, because I knew it would be misunderstood as something delusional, when I kind of knew it's just in my mind, nothing real, but at the same time I was tense because of it all the time. I had very tense body, I had very tense mind. It was to prevent anything coming from inside to outside, because I'm the public face of the system, and also to prevent anything coming from outside in.

At the same time I was living my life under other's passive influence all the time and losing time, without being aware of it, so the problem was really just mine, as a part, not a system problem. The one watching over me was still my defender. I didn't actually prevent anything else than acting like a child, which was very forbidden to me too.

When I found people with dissociation disorder and other trauma symptoms, I started to realize it wasn't my personality to be introverted and tense, but symptoms. A lot of thing started to happen. I stopped being so tense, little by little. When I was thinking about what parts are doing in the inner world, I started to move and do things they do, in here. In the end also things little one was doing.

I found out they were real. That was very different to me than it is for you, because I already knew them inside and out, although we needed to start from the beginning all interaction between us. And then it wasn't just me acting like them in the inner world, but them finding their way to my body while I was aware of it, in reality, in this outside world.

Because I wasn't as tense, just keeping up with looking normal, I started to communicate better, my feelings to outside people. It was simple things they didn't know before, because I was ashamed of them, although there is nothing to be ashamed when you say them aloud. For example I can't spend more than one night and days before and after it with someone in the same room with me. If I do, no one realized anything off, that is why people don't understand I do have problems, because they don't see me getting tired. I can keep up my public face also longer. But after that I can't go to work anymore, because I need time to come back to who I am before I can be just a facade again. So I started communicating, and told I rather spend nights home because I can't sleep if there's other people. Or that I'm introverted and that's why I need a lot time to recover after being with people, including people I like. They had no difficulties understanding that, and there's nothing weird in it. I suffered decades, because I didn't tell how I felt, for nothing.

Before, when I came home from work, I started counting hours immediately. How many hours do I have before I need to stop being me and be back at work again. So I was never resting, I was doing my system job or preparing to do it. When there was a thing in my calendar, like going to the movies on a same day than there was work on the morning, I stressed about it for as long as I knew about the day like that coming. A whole day, without chance to be me. Or normal things to other people, someone saying carelessly "I'll call you tonight", and doesn't realize it meant to me I couldn't rest when I was home, because I needed to stay as work-me until they had called. So I spent the whole day waiting for a call, that I could be me after it's done, and then they forgot it or something. Now I can say it's better to send a message because I have sounds off from the phone usually. It was that easy, and I had my rest, but for decades I didn't see it as a real possibility to say anything. It was new thing to me, people can actually respect what I say, and do things according to it. When I started communicating outside, it changed a lot of things already.

Then I got aware my boys are real. And I can, and should, communicate with them. I realize now, Sami is always close to me, and was also when I didn't know what was from him and what was me. Now I co-operate with him, and we don't communicate just feelings, but also boundaries. And people do respect them, simply because they have to choose to either stay away from us, or respect our boundaries. Sami kept me safe all the years when I could not communicate out my feelings, and had no boundaries, so there's not many people in our life we'd need to show how things are now. People in our life are nice and co-operative to begin with. But having boundaries means that I don't have to avoid people in general anymore, because I can handle them. Simply because I let Sami work thru me.

You are new with your system and you don't know your strengths yet, but do find out, because you will benefit from them tremendously, when you start co-operating. They are all there for a reason, and those reasons are good.

It's the simple little things that can make huge difference. To me big difference was to understand all that starts, also ends. Before I emotionally could not understand when I go to work, it's just few hours and I'm back home again. I only see needing to change and go, and no end to it. I needed Lucas, so that I understood I can also exist while I do something. So you can do stuff and still be someone. I couldn't do it before him, I didn't know it's possible. Those things may not be your problems, but they're examples of how simple realizations can change someone's life. I wanna go to movies now, I wait for it. I know I can go home when ever I want to. I can be someone although I'm in movies. Things are very different now, because parts had something I totally lacked. And I didn't know what I was lacking, until I found the answer from how they are and do things.

I think learning to live with DID is very much like learning to swim. Can you swim? When you can, you can just relax, and float, and water supports you, keeps you there on the surface, and you don't have to do anything. If you can't swim, you resist it, are tense, and you'll sink down like a rock. It's weird, you need to trust it for it to work. I watched kids in our swimming hall, learning how to swim, and the secret is to relax. It's very hard to do it, when you feel you're sinking, but it pays off.

It's not just roses and happiness, there can be parts who are difficult and parts with overwhelming feelings as well. It still pays off. When you give play time to littles at home, they can resist "escaping" when you're out way easier, you'll all benefit from it. They can not stop existing, what ever they do or you do, they can't. Getting more integrated, getting what others have for you to share, it feels great and it does improve life on long run, also from where you didn't know know you had problems in. Because it's not your job to know all you guys know together.

Sami will answer to you later on too, to things you were talking about.

Floralie

lartiste wrote:Thank you for sharing, my problem is that there is very little communication between me and my parts. I try to talk to them or go inside to talk to them, I write letters and actively talk with them but nothing comes back. They just come out every once in a while (I stay co-present) and do what they want to do and then go again. I don't know how I could talk with them about it, I'm not able to reach them really... I also had a somewhat disturbing inner world experience and I don't feel welcome in my system anymore... like the others would be happier if I wasnt there.

we had that too, at first. for us, it was because someone inside was blocking communication, because they didn't think it was a good idea and wanted things to stay the same. most of the system was as confused and lost as i was when it came to knowing about things. the others fronted mostly by accident/without meaning to. the particular parts involved in keeping us all in line, however, knew everything and were trying to control who fronted, and talking to them and helping them understand our circumstances had changed helped them to change too. it might be you have someone similar in your system, who is controlling everything.

i think there's always resentment and confusion at first. it might be the others don't understand why you feel the way you do and don't know how else to act or feel. i guess all you can do is try and keep reaching out. are you in any kind of therapy? having a therapist to help me through this stuff really helped me, personally.

lartiste wrote:This is something that is very difficult to come to terms with. All my life I have kept looking for answers as to why I feel so different to everyone else... now that I know why I feel so alienated I still can't take a onesizefitsall treatment. It feels like everybody is just poking at things with sticks a little and hoping it will work . Thank you for your reply.

i can really relate to that. i was so eager to figure everything out, to establish communication, to understand what had been happening to me my whole life, but as soon as i found out the truth, i wanted to forget again and put all of it where i couldn't see it. that's why it's comforting, to see yourself - as you put it earlier - as "the whole pie". if you're not actually a system, have no trauma, then there's no reason to be alienated or othered. that's soothing, isn't it? but it's why it's important to see denial for what it is. it's protective. if you're overwhelmed, you're going to turn to what makes you feel safe, and denial is that way of feeling safe.

also i wanted to quote these sections from other replies you gave:

lartiste wrote:... but I think my "unwillingness" to share time in the body and to be open comes from a place of fear. I am scared of giving up control to parts I don't know, it's like lending a complete stranger your car without even knowing if they can drive. I'm also scared of the inside...

... I currently feel very much like an imposter and like I have created these parts because I read a lot about this (iatrogenic i think is the word)...

this really resonated with me. we use a car analogy a lot for our system, and it feels exactly like that. you're driving, and you see it as your car. why would you let someone you barely know and don't trust to drive it? never mind that they see the car as theirs too, where they feel they can do what they like with it and do whatever they want while driving. that's why communication is so important to establish. garnering that sense of trust and teamwork is so important when it comes to managing stuff better.

for me, i realised that the topics i was drawn to, that really resonated with me, well... it's because it resonated with me. it's like... different topic, but it's like someone saying "hey, you only realised you were gay after meeting someone else who was gay / reading up on LGBT stuff, that /made/ you gay, you're faking" when it's more along the lines of "i had no idea this was even a thing, and reading up on this / meeting this person made me realise my experiences are actually something real". i mean yeah, there are people out there who become convinced they deal with something when they don't. that's why it's important to get this stuff reviewed by a therapist / psychiatrist / etc. but i think, ultimately, you don't want DID. you're confused and scared. you're scared of headspace, you're scared of your headmates. that doesn't sound like being an imposter to me.

sorry for the long reply.

- alice

lartiste wrote:Welp,
I realized yesterday that I feel superior to my other parts, because I am the Host. I feel as though I should be able to decide who is out and when (something I have zero control over) because I am the one that has to deal with daily life. Maybe I'm just afraid of giving up control. But I noticed in myself that I avoid triggers, because I want to stay in the body, because I don't want to go. And when my parts take over I never fully let go, I always stay co-conscious and try to fight my way back in the body. Does anybody have tips on how to let go of the fear/sense of superiority? I know all of me/us deserve to be in the body equally, but I still feel like I should get the most time...

Some of this I struggle with - not a "superiority" per se (though I agree with others here, YOU don't sound like you consider yourself that way either, IMHO). But the "want control" and not liking giving it up.

For me, it was b/c for about 40 years I never knew the others existed... so it's a shock to think all this time, all the weird things, lost time, and writings I couldn't explain weren't just odd moments of ME, but literally other people... It's hard to escape that single-minded sense of self thing.

The best way I can think to "let go" a bit is by learning to trust yourself wholly- specifically to trust the other parts of you. You are ALL parts of the whole "you"... they have your best interest at heart, too. Even "persecutor" types, or scared parts, that sometimes hurt you... it's not done just out of maliciousness. It's generally for a reason or purpose and sometimes even protecting you in a misguided way.

The best way to build trust is to communicate and get to KNOW them better. Try and forge a strong relationship with them. Then you can begin to accept them for who they are, too, and that will help create trust. Then take small steps... watch what they do when they are out, since you note being co-conscious (I WISH I was when others were out). Watch and see that they don't have the goal or agenda to hurt you...

And give them baby steps, small bits of time where you're just not paying attention even if you could... it'll slowly prove to you yourself that it's ok and safe to allow all of you to exist and be YOU.

lartiste wrote:

Sami wrote:You don't feel superior. Person who does, does not ask for help from other people to change it, instead they feel superior. You're more likely scared or what ever, the question is about what. Inside? Reality of life with DID?

It's your feeling, you name it to me. I'm not a psychic.

Sami

Thanks this really calmed me. I found it very disturbing, that I value myself as more worthy than other parts (which still is true to some extent) but I think my "unwillingness" to share time in the body and to be open comes from a place of fear. I am scared of giving up control to parts I don't know, it's like lending a complete stranger your car without even knowing if they can drive. I'm also scared of the inside...

So it was both then.

I don't agree with you feeling superior to any extent. You do need to stick up for yourself, no one else does. If you think it's superiority you wanna keep things like before, lets think again. Others negotiate gaining something. You negotiate how much you give away. Your POV is not like theirs, it's not supposed to be.

You're the host, you do have most time in the body and most control over how you appear outside, because that's what you do. When you guys get closer, you'll change. If others are not into waiting, they need to know what it requires to make host's decisions. Do they? Who's in charge of safety when they practice? You're making the job you were designed to do for the system for their benefit, not being selfish. You are not supposed to relax about it, before you have your answers and your credit.

Back to business: realities. Do you have a power to stop others from taking over? If your resistance doesn't have any impact, this is a place to see it. Lets only work with things that exist. It's not the same topic to talk about using your power fairly and about lack of control, to make a plan how to gain it. Which one is your actual issue, overusing control or lack of it?

I'd put my money on lack of it. Trying to force it where it doesn't belong is the way you deal with it, it doesn't work because it's a #######5 plan and that's why you feel guilty. You tell me am I right.

Sami