Feeling superior because i'm the host

Welp,
I realized yesterday that I feel superior to my other parts, because I am the Host. I feel as though I should be able to decide who is out and when (something I have zero control over) because I am the one that has to deal with daily life. Maybe I'm just afraid of giving up control. But I noticed in myself that I avoid triggers, because I want to stay in the body, because I don't want to go. And when my parts take over I never fully let go, I always stay co-conscious and try to fight my way back in the body. Does anybody have tips on how to let go of the fear/sense of superiority? I know all of me/us deserve to be in the body equally, but I still feel like I should get the most time...

ask yourself how it is serving you and what needs you are trying to meet with it. go from there.

You don't feel superior. Person who does, does not ask for help from other people to change it, instead they feel superior. You're more likely scared or what ever, the question is about what. Inside? Reality of life with DID?

It's your feeling, you name it to me. I'm not a psychic.

Sami

why do you want them to fully take over? Do they want to? Whats the problem with being co present? If you as a host can work on your fear of losing control and wanting to be out the most, then co counciousness can be a very good place to be in because it alowes you to work together with your parts.. Also, your just a part to..

lartiste,

It takes courage to say what you said. We all have thoughts and feelings that may not be considered appropriate, and we often keep them to ourselves, perhaps feeling shame for not being acceptable. Maybe this doesn't completely describe your experience, but it's your right to feel as you do.

How do your others react to these feelings? And how do your feelings affect your actions?

MDs

i struggle with this too, not as bad as i used to, but it's still a struggle.

i find it hard to be co-conscious because it raises a whole host (haha) of issues to do with denial, control issues, and trauma associations. for me, co-consciousness is a relatively new thing that's started happening since we, as a system, began communicating more. we've ended up sharing the front a lot more than before, which has been difficult to adjust to.

i turn to this idea of being "different" or "more real" than the others when the denial gets bad. it's comforting when i'm scared and overwhelmed. i don't feel like that as much since we started working together as a system and talked to each other more. the others used to resent me quite heavily for things, but once they understood why i feel the way i do, they help me with it now. equally, i understand how they feel a lot better now too. i don't see it as "me" vs "them" anymore. they're not enemies or threats or "others", we're all part of the same system.

i still struggle with things, and the others in the system know that, so we work through it together. they're honest with me when they're unhappy, and so am i. they try and help me manage feelings of denial or anxiety about control issues. they work around my issues, just as i work around theirs. if that means i front significantly more than they do sometimes, it's okay, because for them, just being listened to and having the chance to front every now and then is good enough.

sharing the front has been a positive change for us overall. it's helped us with our teamwork, and it's helped lessen the stress i experience as host, in a lot of ways. there's obviously been increased stress when it comes to being aware of things more, and i do wish sometimes that i could go back to when i was ignorant when things get scary and overwhelming, but generally it's been a good thing.

the point is, this kind of thing is really personal for individual systems. you guys should do what feels best for you. you're probably feeling scared and overwhelmed. denial is protective, more than anything. maybe you need to take a step back from certain things. also, the others in the system maybe don't know how you're feeling, or don't understand why you feel the way you do, so maybe just talking this out with them might help?

i don't know if any of that rambling is useful, but i hope things improve for you.

- alice

Your concern about this is a good sign! It would be useful to write down or at least ponder what you actually mean when you think "superior." We had some struggles along those lines, especially host oversight and interference in everyone else's time, but there's just no argument about some things. Our hosts' experience navigating daily life is more extensive than everyone else's.

Jack was most annoyed by our "hanging over his shoulder" whenever he was out. We couldn't really control it. Then a couple years ago, he was ambling along, like when the body was age 10 and we lived in a small town, and he barely missed getting hit by a car. He just didn't have the experience of living in a dense urban area in the 21st century. So he and I think others realized that a host nearby was actually a good thing, and would help keep him safe while he learned.

That said, our hosts were "inferior" compared to other alters in terms of important traits and skills, like calming the body down, setting boundaries with negative people, knowledge about our system, experiencing and expressing trust and love, leadership of all alters, dealing with anything sexual, exercising, relaxing in general, remembering, etc. Once it became clear to me, a host, how unskilled I was in key areas of life (including the ability to socialize, held by another host), it was quite humbling.

Of course, superior/inferior is too harsh a way to look at a DID system, which developed to cope with madness (in our case). Skills possessed and level of development of those skills is one way to assess everyone's contribution to and value for the system.

Hi,

This is a cool thread.

The deal is that hosts are kind of limited. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that there are lots of things they aren't supposed to think about, feel about, do anything about, or even remember. That's a lot of limits. Hosts are in control to keep things from happening. But they have the most experience with the outside world. So it's kind of a mess. The person who knows what's going on outside is the person who doesn't know what's going on inside. So host is saying like 'Why am I feeling this?' and inside parts are saying 'Why are we doing this?'.

All this is why it's so important for hosts to get connected to the system (but also why it's so hard for them). They are built to think they are separate but have super important skills that we all need. We don't have too many adults in our system so we need Host to take care of things. He finally realized that he's like the 'responsible adult' whether he wants to be or not.

I'm having trouble explaining this but I hope you get it anyway.

Iain

Respectfully disagreeing with the last point.

Every system is unique. Several in our system who front regularly are emotional people with quite a bit of system knowledge. Others in our system who front are just as aware but less emotional and more even-keeled. So our system doesn't identify with the paradigm of Unaware Host With Headmates Hiding Information. Just as we don't identify with the EP/ANP concept in the theory of Structural Dissociation.

In short, our fronters are simply the ones "driving the bus."

MDs

We agree with MDs about every system being unique. And we actually talked with our T about the ANP/EP stuff being like just a 'model' or whatever that Ts use but that it doesn't fit every part or every system.

For our system we totally fit that idea of the unaware host & headmates hiding stuff, up till it all fell apart 2 years ago. Then previous host couldn't deal with it at all, and she just ended herself. Since then our system has been more like what MD describes. We don't even feel like there is a host at all now.

Sorta coming back to on topic with that cos those of us I can speak for in our system, we haven't had to face that superior feeling or whatever, cos since the first moment of awareness we already knew we weren't the 'usual' person. She's gone and the rest of us had to figure it out. But we basicaly always knew we're all alters here.

But we can relate to the fear or whatever of letting go & letting others take over. V1 was especially afraid of littles taking over. She'd rather have lost time than be coconsious while a little was fronting, cos she was super afraid of acting wierd or childish or whatever.

I think tho it just takes time to get over that? Like, practice it at home. Let other parts take over when you're alone and noone's gonna see and you don't hafta worry about dealing with other people. Try to stay coconsious with them and try to get to know them better.

But also, don't push it. Don't force anyone to front if they don't wanto to. And don't push yourself either, don't try to rush through stuff just cos it seems thats the thing to do?

Good luck.

V2