OSDD Experiences?

trigger warning: brief denial talk

So. Denial struck again badly this time. I don't think I have a dissociative disorder anymore and I just think that I'm a weird kid with autism and many different moods.

END trigger warning

This said, maybe because of this a part of me (just me) made me think about OSDD and the fact that I almost never read stories of people with OSDD.

Does anyone here want to share? Anything, from when you started acknowledging that something was wrong until your eventual diagnosis, or even after.

Everybody's welcome to reply.

I knew something was wrong in 2003 but I dont remember what lol. I just know I went to a DID specialist ( a psychologist) the one I am seeing now is her actually. I went back to her. For a long time I just felt I suffered from OCD. Thats what my therapist thst I started seeing said at the CSB I went to because I couldnt afford co pays anymore. Then one night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought we need to go get some water. I was like ummm who is we? Then I started talking to my t about all of this weird chatter in my head ( thoughts). Then we started talking about a part I noticed when I was 20 that my old therapist had said was nothing. So I got my therapist to contact my old DID specialist to see if she could get her to remember anything helpful because I had remembered she diagnosed me DDNOS. So they met up and discussed it because she had no idea how to treat me. Then she went on a vaca for 3 months and suggested I see her again until she came back and that's what I did. Now the one is back from vaca but doesn't feel like she can help me I guess. Also my t got records from my therapist I saw in between them at the CSB and there was notes my t had made about a alter I had named Thorne. So even though she thought it was nothing it was proof to me that she existed.

exul wrote:trigger warning: brief denial talk

So. Denial struck again badly this time. I don't think I have a dissociative disorder anymore and I just think that I'm a weird kid with autism and many different moods.

END trigger warning

This said, maybe because of this a part of me (just me) made me think about OSDD and the fact that I almost never read stories of people with OSDD.

Does anyone here want to share? Anything, from when you started acknowledging that something was wrong until your eventual diagnosis, or even after.

Everybody's welcome to reply.

As you know I have severe autism and for me the intensity of my Exposure Anxiety seems to be the main cause of my dissociation. I also wasn't sure whether I had DID.

But I have also studied 'Autism and Masking' and there's lots of information out about this now and I've asked other autistic people about their masking and mine is definitely not the same.

For most autistics with masking their 'masks' to go to work etc in seem to be them pretending to be more confident than they actually feel or they've based their 'work mask' on someone they knew/met in the past and liked. For some its like mimicry so if they're with someone shy and quiet, they tend to be,if they're with someone whose an exhibitionist, they tend to act like that with THAT person,or in that setting.

For me it was different my main alters took over daily life completely and became who outside people believed the body to be down to every mannerism, particular level/type of disability and personality.

I'm not sure if the child ones are 'parts' and they represent a certain period of time or emotion at that time. My autism prevents me from imagining what they do when they out of sight the same as it does with people in the outside world. ie I don't sit thinking about what' Bobby' is doing on the inside anymore than I wonder what my brother is doing after he's gone home! so I've never imagined my alters having a full life away from when they are 'up front'. There either here to do something in particular or they're not,it's as simple as that for me. 'I' can only exist in the moment with who ever is up front at the time.

I think my autism will affect the way my DID presents itself and how I interact with the alters or even understand their existence, so I would suspect that's the same for you too and your experience of DID/OSDD will not be typical of a non-autistic person's experience of DID/OSDD.

For me I think the alters helped me to relate to the world around me and made me appear to fit in with normal. I think now that expectation has gone the real me has come out (due to the isolation over the years) who is essentially the truly autistic self who isn't really interested in fitting in and no longer feel I have to. I'm thinking that's why I seem to have become 'more autistic again' as I've got older.

Although my 'social masks' still appear for me when I do have to deal with people, they only appear much more briefly now. eg they may only be needed to answer the door,make a quick phone call, stay up front for a couple of hours for a family visit every few months, then thats it for another week /month whereas before they would have been needed to be 'up front' all day cos I had to go to work or college or had PA's coming to help/take me somewhere (when Maddie was up front).

Kit didn't relaise she was an alter but she was my 'testing ground' for re-emerging. (working out if or where and when it was safe to do as myself). I have no emotional attachment to my alters which maybe a big difference between most with DID. If they serve no purpose there's no point them coming out. However this does cause real life problems sometimes as people most would see as 'friends' in their lives to me are/were friends of past alters so if the alter no longer comes up front 'I' struggle to keep the relationship going, to me they aren't my friend they were Thea's friend or Maddie's friend and they don't come out daily anymore to reply to messages or go on social media. so many real life friendships have ended or broken down.

Sophie

p.s if you want to read stories of autism with DID, the author Donna Williams had both and discussed it in several blogs.

Page of blogs links mentioning DID
https://blog.donnawilliams.net/?s=Dissociation+alters


This is one of my favourites where she discusses with another autistic person with DID their systems and how they compare even though they both have Autism and DID.

https://blog.donnawilliams.net/2012/06/ ... versation/

You'll probably be able to identify with something in there or one of the other blogs. It's the most informative I've found anywhere on the web about Autism and DID together.

Thank you to both of you.

Sophie, thank you for the resources. I remember checking out Donna Williams' blog months ago, but never finished reading it. Now I spent part of the afternoon reading about her and what she writes, and it has been very helpful.

Hope you have a good day.