TW Struggling to cope

by **raptureblues** » Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:00 am

**trigger warnings - mentions of suicide & abuse**

i haven't posted here in a while because i've been really unwell and things have been hectic, but i'm really struggling to cope.

i've been massively suicidal for months now. i've been experiencing really high levels of denial about my symptoms. i keep feeling like i've gone insane, that i'm a freak. i'm getting help through a therapist, support worker, care coordinator, psychiatrist, crisis team, etc. but i'm too ill for secondary care to continue their assessment for treatment (which is... incredibly counter-intuitive but welcome to the NHS everyone), and going in-patient isn't possible (they only offer very short term crisis help, i'm talking a few /days/ at best, unless you go privately but i can't afford that, or you get sectioned, but i don't want to be sectioned for obvious reasons). medication also isn't possible (consistent bad reactions to side effects across different psych meds).

i just can't seem to settle. every few days i'm crashing and burning. i'm frequently suicidal. the others in my system are trying to help me but are burned out and struggling. i just can't seem to settle and go "i have trauma, i have DID, that's okay". all of this is bringing up a lot of trauma from before (bullying at school, a lot of the abuse at home centered on me being a 'freak', being abandoned for being mentally ill, always having to come back to my family in the end, etc etc). i'm obviously working through stuff with my therapist but i'm really struggling to cope.

i know there isn't any convenient magic wand or answer or solution that will fix everything. i just needed to get this out somewhere.

- alice

i don't know if i'm not bringing it up or if i keep forgetting what she tells me but i keep blanking on any coping mechanisms she may or may not have suggested to me. i'm gonna bring it up today. she definitely knows i've been really unwell, but i get the feeling i end up glossing over things and focusing on other topics instead of doing the whole "i really can't cope and need help coping better" thing. if she does suggest things i'm gonna ask her to write it down for me or get me to write it down in the session with her so i have a reference.

- alice

by **MakersDozn** » Tue Jul 16, 2019 5:20 pm

We're sorry you're struggling, alice.

Since jones has been active in your system in the past, we're wondering. Are you in communication with him now? Does his presence/activity help you feel less alone?

We hope that your T can help you as well.

MDs

by **raptureblues** » Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:01 am

MakersDozn wrote:We're sorry you're struggling, alice.

Since jones has been active in your system in the past, we're wondering. Are you in communication with him now? Does his presence/activity help you feel less alone?

We hope that your T can help you as well.

MDs

jones is regularly at the front with me. he's trying really hard to help without it being too intrusive or too distant. the rest of the system take "shifts" (not that it's a job but it's the best way i can describe it) being at the front so no-one's overly tired and i've always got someone close by if i need it. it's been really helpful. it just gets hard when the denial's bad.

- alice

by **IainEtc** » Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:31 am

Hi alice,

Sounds like you're working to keep safe. That's good. Host used to struggle with acceptance (he still does but only sometimes) and it really kicked our butt for a while. Shame is a real thing! Just want you to know it gets better.

We always take a notebook in to session otherwise we'll forget or only get pieces.

Iain

TW Struggling to cope