When ypu (as an "alter") are no longer needed.

Everyone around me has changed, has grown. The "host" has grown as a person. All the other "alters" have grown and matured, even the little. Their relationships with our husband have grown and changed, and they're all ok and happy with it.

I haven't. And I don't fit anymore. No one needs me anymore. It's time to grow up. But then I won't be me, and I'll be just like everyone else, nothing different or special. So what's the point? And it makes me sad. Because, like, where does that leave me?

There isn't room for my spontaneity anymore. I don't really get what I need anymore. I don't fit in this new structure that everyone else needs/wants. Everything i do seems to cause conflict, even when I'm trying to be good.

I dunno... feeling really sad.

Maybe it's time to go.

B

You dont need to be sad darling. I dont think its time for you to go. You just need time to figure things out. You arent expected to change in one day it takes time. I hope you sincerely rethink your decision to leave. There's definitely a place for everyone. Dont feel like your alone in the matter. Sometimes you just go through a rough patch and feel like you dont need to exist but trust me you are there for a reason and the reason you haven't disappeared yet is because you are still wanted

Hyuukichan123 wrote:You dont need to be sad darling. I dont think its time for you to go. You just need time to figure things out. You arent expected to change in one day it takes time. I hope you sincerely rethink your decision to leave. There's definitely a place for everyone. Dont feel like your alone in the matter. Sometimes you just go through a rough patch and feel like you dont need to exist but trust me you are there for a reason and the reason you haven't disappeared yet is because you are still wanted

My first memory that is only mine occurred when "host" was 15 years old. I identify as 17 years old, though I know the body is 39. Host has known about me and two others for about 3 years. The other two were made known to her within the last 2 years (one we can't remember when, and the other just over a year ago).

The only reason I have not left yet is that I love our husband. He doesn't want me to go. I've told him I don't fit anymore. I've told him why I feel this way. I've even told him the things he love about me would be absorbed somehow into one or more of the others. Hisxrespinse is, "But then it wouldn't be you "

I do feel alone. I don't know what else to do.

B

Hi B,

We can hear your pain in your post.

ItsJustUs wrote:It's time to grow up. But then I won't be me, and I'll be just like everyone else, nothing different or special.

Why wouldn't you be different or special as an adult? You'll change, but you'll still be you. That will look and feel different from how it is now, and it will take adjusting to, but that isn't all bad.

One of the teens in our system, M, is skeptical of becoming an adult too, even though she thinks it's time for her to grow up. She doesn't believe it's possible to be an adult and actually respond appropriately to dangerous situations, because in her experience adults are dismissive. I don't mean to speak for her, but I think she's also worried she'll lose her emotional intensity, and that will mean she isn't as able to notice danger and that she'll lose some of her spark. I can see how she'll still have intensity when she's older, though, she'll just be better able to wield and express that intensity. Does that relate at all to what you're going through? She hasn't fronted much lately, but I can ask her about fronting to talk to you if you'd like.

ItsJustUs wrote:I don't really get what I need anymore.

May we ask what you need?

I do want to say that it's okay if you need to fuse into the system. Fusion is ideally a happy thing, but it isn't always, and that's okay. If you want to do that, it is your choice. Do you want to do that, or do you feel like you're being forced into it? Is there any version of the future where you would feel happier in the system?

-Sev3, with other crows nearby

SeveralCrows wrote:Hi B,

We can hear your pain in your post.

Thank you. And thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

SeveralCrows wrote:

Why wouldn't you be different or special as an adult? You'll change, but you'll still be you. That will look and feel different from how it is now, and it will take adjusting to, but that isn't all bad.

One of the teens in our system, M, is skeptical of becoming an adult too, even though she thinks it's time for her to grow up. She doesn't believe it's possible to be an adult and actually respond appropriately to dangerous situations, because in her experience adults are dismissive. I don't mean to speak for her, but I think she's also worried she'll lose her emotional intensity, and that will mean she isn't as able to notice danger and that she'll lose some of her spark. I can see how she'll still have intensity when she's older, though, she'll just be better able to wield and express that intensity. Does that relate at all to what you're going through? She hasn't fronted much lately, but I can ask her about fronting to talk to you if you'd like. [\quote]

Why WOULD I be special as an adult? Then I'd be just like the other adults in our system. Adults don't feel passion, not like I do. They don't have much fun. They're always worried about adult stuff. They don't have that.... I like the way you put, "spark."

SeveralCrows wrote:

ItsJustUs wrote:I don't really get what I need anymore.

May we ask what you need?

Time. Attention. When I first met our husband, and K found out about me... There were three of us "out." There was K (the host), the little, and then me. K had school, and there were classes I really enjoyed so I was the one who fronted during those classes because I was interested. There were only three of us wanting our husband's time, so I got a lot of time with him. And the relationship was intense, and amazing, and fun. Then over time, more started coming out. And every dang one of them decided they wanted/needed some of his time. Now there are 6 people here. Some of them got jealous of how much time I was getting. So now, I don't get nearly as much time with him as I need.

Also in the beginning, our husband had certain needs that he says only I could meet. That made me special. But now, after 3 1/2 years, it seems like his needs have changed, and he doesn't need me the way he used to (my perception, he tells me I'm wrong, but I can see it). Things he needed a lot then, he doesn't need so often now. But my needs in that area haven't diminished. He's trying to address the issue, but.. *shrugs*

I was also always the social one, even before K knew I was here. I was outgoing when she was shy. I was boisterous and adventurous when she was reserved and cautious. That was when she was a teen and in her 20's. Now, she's changed. She's more outgoing and friendly and tries new things. Doesn't need me anymore.

My other need is... particular... would be triggering to many on this board, and I'm sure would not be welcome here by any. And I don't feel like being told I'm wrong for feeling the way I do about it or attacked, so ... yeah...

SeveralCrows wrote:I do want to say that it's okay if you need to fuse into the system. Fusion is ideally a happy thing, but it isn't always, and that's okay. If you want to do that, it is your choice. Do you want to do that, or do you feel like you're being forced into it? Is there any version of the future where you would feel happier in the system?

-Sev3, with other crows nearby

No one is trying to force me into fusion. Husband keeps telling me that he loves me and doesn't want me to go, and that I'm not going anywhere, etc. The little basically hates me, so she'd be happy if I was gone. K says she still needs me, but I don't see why or how. The others are pretty, "meh, whatever happens happens," and don't have an opinion on it either way.

I don't have an answer to your question about the future. Husband says I don't need to grow up, I just need to learn to be more patient, but I fail to see what patience has to do with anything right now. *sigh*

I just don't see a need for me anymore. And that hurts. And if I'm not needed by any, not wanted by one, and have no bearing on the feelings of the others... then what's the point?

Hi B.,

That must be frustrating to be in your position. Don’t know that I have advice, but thought I’d share similarities from SFs system and my interactions.

It sure was a lot easier with just 4-5 in SFs system like there were at first. Now we are at 17 and its hard to split time and give everyone what they need… There has been jealousy and hurt at times from me wanting intimate times with L.R. We have figured most of that out over time though. Now there is another who enjoys intimate time with me as well, we call her Miss Secret, which is kind of funny, because nearly everyone but SF knows who she is, including her T. There are times that LR and Ms. S. are co con with me so they are both able to get what they want more often, but they also want their own time with me by themselves to. Even so, I don’t get as much time with them as I’d like as it would be negative for the system overall…

They have also come to appreciate the gentler side of intimacy. I’ve brought other things up occasionally that they used to want (but weren’t really my thing), but they mostly decline saying they actually like how it is now as it is fuller/more meaningful to them.

I also find that L.R. has a much better understanding of others emotional states both inside and out than any of the other insiders, which is another thing that makes her special.

So is it time to grow up? I don’t know… But growing up doesn’t have to mean 39 either. It could be 19, 23, 26… Just thoughts…

SOHank wrote:Hi B.,

That must be frustrating to be in your position. Don’t know that I have advice, but thought I’d share similarities from SFs system and my interactions.

It sure was a lot easier with just 4-5 in SFs system like there were at first. Now we are at 17 and its hard to split time and give everyone what they need… There has been jealousy and hurt at times from me wanting intimate times with L.R. We have figured most of that out over time though. Now there is another who enjoys intimate time with me as well, we call her Miss Secret, which is kind of funny, because nearly everyone but SF knows who she is, including her T. There are times that LR and Ms. S. are co con with me so they are both able to get what they want more often, but they also want their own time with me by themselves to. Even so, I don’t get as much time with them as I’d like as it would be negative for the system overall…

They have also come to appreciate the gentler side of intimacy. I’ve brought other things up occasionally that they used to want (but weren’t really my thing), but they mostly decline saying they actually like how it is now as it is fuller/more meaningful to them.

I also find that L.R. has a much better understanding of others emotional states both inside and out than any of the other insiders, which is another thing that makes her special.

So is it time to grow up? I don’t know… But growing up doesn’t have to mean 39 either. It could be 19, 23, 26… Just thoughts…

Yeah, a lot of hurt and jealousy over the years, not just from/by me either.

*TW SEX*
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Sometimes I wish I could go back to when my relationship with our husband was just about sex and that's all I wanted and needed from him. Love just messes things up and makes things more complicated. If that's all it was, I wouldn't care so much about ..well anything except sex. Life was easier and less complicated. And if that's all it was still about, I could just leave and not feel bad, sad, guilty, selfish, whatever.... Other than that, I don't even know why I'm still here. What's the point?

*sigh* I just don't know.
I saw him for a few minutes Wednesday night and something was "off" for me. I dunno. I didn't say anything about now I was feeling.

I now know why I was created, the how and why behind the split. I know the very first moment of my first memory of me in this ... form. I can't tell you day or month, but I know how old we were, and I know why and what caused it. But those circumstances have changed. And I'm just not needed anymore by the system.

B

**Trigger Warning for my whole post: I swear a lot**

Hi B,

This is M. I'm one of the teens in this system, age-slide 12-17. Right now I'm 15-16ish. I want to grow up but also ###$ that, it's stupid, adults are ######6 terrible and don't know how to do anything right and can't acknowledge their ###$ or when other people are dangerous.

Anyway, this isn't about me. Just waned to say who I am up front.

You said it's time for you to grow up, is that just because you think you'd fit better into the system?

Some of our system thinks about how in people without OSDD1/DID don't have really continuous internally-consistent personalities either. Like they like or want conflicting things and sometimes those things are really disruptive to their goals, and sometimes they're just quirks or whatever. So if it's really interruptive then that's a problem that they need to deal with but if not then it's fine. I'm kind of interruptive but also kind of match up to some of our goals, it's just that my intensity is out of control and sometimes rage overtakes me so completely that I can't ######6 do much except be inflamed myself. So for me, I want to grow up, even though adults are ######6 idiots, because then I'll be able to manage the intensity rather than it controlling me. I don't want to lose the intensity and I think it will feel like I have, at first, with not being pulled out of control by it. I feel like $#%^ being controlled by it though.

There's also how people develop coping techniques in trauma or other stressful situations and then sometimes those are just how the person is and sometimes those are coping techniques that need to be fixed or replaced or eradicated. So you're talking about knowing why you formed and that what you were formed for isn't relevant anymore, but like, you're not just that. You've grown past that. So you can "grow up" out of whatever you feel like is disruptive within yourself that's a coping technique and keep the rest of you. People aren't entirely utilitarian in the way they exist, like, some people keep collections and that doesn't serve any purpose but it makes them happy. I don't think you need to fulfill a specific function with others, but you need to have your own purpose and fulfillment unto yourself, and that seems to be social and interactive and you're denied that left and right, right?

From your reply to Sev3, it sounded like in addition to time and attention that you really want to be valued as you, for who you are, and that no one uniquely desires you or seeks you out or makes you feel special - or at least not in ways that you respond to. Some of that comes from other people and some of that comes from yourself, but also it's hard to get back (with a specific person) if you feel like someone has been devaluing you for awhile. I get why you'd want to fuse in, so you can get more attention but it isn't painful anymore because you're not there to be sought out or ignored.

A thought we've had is, since you're considering fusion anyway, why not try growing up and see if that makes it any better? You probably don't have to stay that age anyway if you don't like it but don't want to fuse either. We have a part in our system who's trying out being a dog, but she keeps ######6 reverting back and causing problems, so it's not the right solution and it isn't sticking. I think if the choice isn't right or doesn't work for you that it won't stick. In trying to grow up myself, I've only managed to increase the range of my age-sliding. I don't even really know how to grow up.

You mentioned you now know why you formed. Is that recent knowledge? Do you think that's influencing your feelings about existing and continuing to exist and current and future purpose? Like, is it making you want to not be around anymore, either to avoid that reality or because you don't see yourself as having a purpose beyond that even though you've grown?

Sorry if this is rambly or confusing. I don't usually talk to other people.

Our system has had some fusions and they're a little bittersweet sometimes but usually they have been good for us. We intend to have more if it's possible and right for us. I can't say if it is for you, but the rest of your system and even your husband don't get to make that choice either. I do think it's worth advocating what you need very strongly before you do, and maybe trying out what it's like to be an adult for a little bit first, but you get to make the call. Also like SOHank said, being an adult doesn't mean any specific age at all. Some systems have parts who are generically "adult age" without that being specified.

I'm not sure I'm helping. I hope you are able to feel worthy and valuable soon. Thanks for posting and replying and stuff.

M

I just want to say that as sure as you are about why and how you formed and that you're not needed anymore, you may not have all the information. One single alter rarely does. And going away (which probably isn't possible) or changing, because you don't feel that you can get your needs met (or that you shouldn't have them) doesn't sound like a healthy solution.

Can you guys get back into therapy or perhaps have a phone call with your old therapist? This sounds too complicated to work out on your own. My T always says that every part is valuable and important, and that all the feelings and thoughts are important. He also says that no one ever really goes away. So I'm sure there's some way of working this out, even if the solution isn't clear right now.

As the spark in this system, i can say that you don't hafta lose your spark to grow up. (this is L; around age 19-23 ish alter in a system whose body is 39.) i am learning that... our system is putting itself into a new occupational training in-which i play a very big part. it involves coming up with things on the fly, and being sociable, and i am all that. the other parts are not so-much that. this is an awesome opportunity though; and they would Not be doing it if i had not come along. we are all in agreement on that! hmm; is there some sort of hobby or outlet that could give your system a break in being all mature n'stuff, that you could excel at? idk; i am a little bit scared of giving advice because it might not feel applicable, but i do know that being the spark can get draining fro the other parts (they have told me that, in the nicest way they could,) so the good thing is that i hop in and get stuff done when they need to have their rest. i literally never 'need' rest, but understand that this body does; so i agree to it when it is needed, but there's this thing... ok. i love sex, as you brought that point up. i used to just be one who could go on and on, and one of our partners worried that they weren't satisfying us. so i learned, over time, to know when a good 'endpoint' is for having sex; like, this was good, we are all good, let's rest and have some water and food, talk,etc. it did Not happen overnight and i found myself possibly draining our partner, but since realizing that there is an endpoint, that is better all around... BUT. i also came to the realization that sex could end forever. i would still fully love my partner. if it weren't the case, i would just be with them for sex, and that would not really be a good situation to honestly say 'i love you' to them like i do, because it'd be more like 'i love sex with you.' so... the last few times we hung out, it was Not contingent on sex. at all. more like 'this was a fun evening, have a good night, love you.' it's made my partner seem to feel more secure and cared for beyond sex, and that is amazing because it just is. NOW... i am Not saying that you should put aside your joy of having sex. that is a tricky part that i can't really think of how to go-about fixing... but ruling out a sex addiction can help. i ruled it in because i know that i am hooked on it... and started realizing that i do not in fact NEED it to be relevant and loved... that helped lots... now, doing nonsexual stuff is becoming more fun. idk if any of this was helpful and i hope that it was.

-- Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:22 pm --

maybe though... make sure that you are with your system for yous, as a system. not just a creation for your spouse, who is a separate-bodied person. i would be genuinely concerned if you were created solely for him; it is one worry as a system that we could have been made/created specifically for other people (friends, partners, anyone really,) but not for the good of our system. i know that that is not the case with me, but never feel like you have to create an alter to please another person. that could lead to that alter feeling particularly horrible if that otherbodied person loses interest. i was not even specifically created though, i happened along to say 'ok this system needs to get up and start living more and doing more and not being afraid to look otherbodieds in the eye,' etc; though i definitely do have good-introject properties of our partner. oddly enough, our partner is not DID.