When ypu (as an "alter") are no longer needed.

Howcome you teach your children its not oké to play one parent against another when you do the exact opposite in your own system? Your attacking b right here on the forum by saying she is a stubborn teenager. Doesnt seem like very much of a front to me. Im new here, but the way you talk about your husband doesnt feel right to me either. If your happy with it, it fine, its your life. But your alters are not fine.. So what are you going to do about that. B is reaching out for help, she wants to go away.. Do you hear what she is saying?

"Truama-induced fixation." I'm not sure how to explain except with an example. In my system there is Front0 who is a main host. Front0 is only seven, but she presents as an adult with the support of other Fronts. She didn't even know she was a child until another alter told her. Maybe it's a bit of a sensitive issue that the main host is a child, but the original Front has gifts most of the rest of us lack, like empathy and social skills.

We found that although Front0 presents as a host, she is, or was, a fixated in trauma/defense.

This is the night-child, I just want to say this although I'm not fronting now. People think the "emotional parts" are the bad ones but that's not necessarily true. Sometimes the "good" parts, the ones who are nice and socially acceptable, they're just as sick if not worse than the "bad" ones.

There are lots of different things you can do when you're threatened, and with DID we had to learn different strategies to get through the day. The defenses become fixations and "stuck." Submission is a defense that can get stuck. The one who is in a state of submissive defense is so afraid of getting hurt or abandoned that she gives up her sovereignty. You're likely not even aware of the extent, but it is enough that people have called you out for it and it makes you defensive.

You're happy in your situation and it's better for you and your kids now. I understand that. But the degree of attachment and dependency seems child-like and that's what I'm concerned about. That's what I mean by role-play fantasy, the child-mind is dreaming. That's not necessarily good for the system and could lead to conflict. The submissive instinct has a weakness for ignoring it when something is wrong. It's especially devastating if there is a threat or loss of that attachment. (I have refrained from asking you before, "where is your protector? Where is your system manager?" Those functions should be inside of you, not just outside of you.)

I am glad you have support for the stability your children need. It is good that they see love in your relationship with your husband. But their attachment to you is more important than your attachment to your husband. Your relationship with yourself is more important than your relationship with your husband.

Also, it's unreasonable of you to expect others on this forum not to call you out when you're being self-destructive.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I have a question. What does your husband do to encourage and support the internal communication and independent decision-making of your system? That's where and how parts can understand their place and importance to the system. There are often jobs on the inside that parts can find to do if/when they are less needed on the outside. But all the parts are needed by the system, or they wouldn't exist.

Also, does your husband have a therapist or some kind of emotional support to help him deal with the overflow of difficult issues happening inside you?

If parts are having a disagreement, he encourages them to work it out together, and encourages the system as a whole to come to a "group" decision on how to handle an internal struggle whenever possible. If the little wants to do something that she is incapable of doing on her own, he tells her, "You can do that, ask D for help," or "I bet V will help you if you ask." If there is something going on that one part wants to participate in, even though it may not be her night he'll say, "If it's ok with so-and-so, switch days." When B and V are fighting, or when B and L are fighting he will encourage them to try to find a common ground and remind them that the goal is stability and peace and doing what's best for the entire system.

No, he does not have a T.

-- Thu Jul 18, 2019 9:34 am --

Allcoulors wrote:Howcome you teach your children its not oké to play one parent against another when you do the exact opposite in your own system? Your attacking b right here on the forum by saying she is a stubborn teenager. Doesnt seem like very much of a front to me. Im new here, but the way you talk about your husband doesnt feel right to me either. If your happy with it, it fine, its your life. But your alters are not fine.. So what are you going to do about that. B is reaching out for help, she wants to go away.. Do you hear what she is saying?

Yes, we hear what B is saying. The problem is that no matter how much we try to help her... tell her she's needed, tell her she's loved. Tell her life isn't a competition... she doesn't listen. It's been like this with her since she first came out. She feels like she is compared to the other parts and is "lacking," because she sees everything as a competition and she has to be better at everything than everyone else. And if she's not, or if there is something one can do that she can't, then she feels inferior like everyone else is better than her.

We honestly don't know what to do to help her. She was starting to feel better a few days ago, and then someone made an offhanded comment about how B wouldn't fit in at a certain get together, and while it was not meant as an insult, B took it as if someone was saying that she wasn't good enough to be out in that group of friends and we felt like she would embarrass us, and that the person who made the comment was making fun of her and saying she wasn't good enough.

I hate when she's like this. Not just because it creates chaos in the system, but because I can feel her hurt and her perception of rejection. And I just don't know what to do to help her. She's told she's beautiful, smart, funny. She's told that she's loved. We do things for her, for instance there is a monthly event we go to that she absolutely loves, so it's just an unspoken understanding that she is the one who is out when we go to this thing regardless of our preset schedule. If we're around certain friends she particular likes, she fronts, and we encourage that because she is extremely social. We point out her strengths and the things she's good at.

So honestly, we don't know what else to do for her. At some point she has to take responsibility for her own feelings and chose to feel better about herself because ... what else can we do?

myce wrote:"Truama-induced fixation." I'm not sure how to explain except with an example. In my system there is Front0 who is a main host. Front0 is only seven, but she presents as an adult with the support of other Fronts. She didn't even know she was a child until another alter told her. Maybe it's a bit of a sensitive issue that the main host is a child, but the original Front has gifts most of the rest of us lack, like empathy and social skills.

We found that although Front0 presents as a host, she is, or was, a fixated in trauma/defense.

This is the night-child, I just want to say this although I'm not fronting now. People think the "emotional parts" are the bad ones but that's not necessarily true. Sometimes the "good" parts, the ones who are nice and socially acceptable, they're just as sick if not worse than the "bad" ones.

There are lots of different things you can do when you're threatened, and with DID we had to learn different strategies to get through the day. The defenses become fixations and "stuck." Submission is a defense that can get stuck. The one who is in a state of submissive defense is so afraid of getting hurt or abandoned that she gives up her sovereignty. You're likely not even aware of the extent, but it is enough that people have called you out for it and it makes you defensive.

You're happy in your situation and it's better for you and your kids now. I understand that. But the degree of attachment and dependency seems child-like and that's what I'm concerned about. That's what I mean by role-play fantasy, the child-mind is dreaming. That's not necessarily good for the system and could lead to conflict. The submissive instinct has a weakness for ignoring it when something is wrong. It's especially devastating if there is a threat or loss of that attachment. (I have refrained from asking you before, "where is your protector? Where is your system manager?" Those functions should be inside of you, not just outside of you.)

I am glad you have support for the stability your children need. It is good that they see love in your relationship with your husband. But their attachment to you is more important than your attachment to your husband. Your relationship with yourself is more important than your relationship with your husband.

I get what you're saying, and B is definitely very afraid of abandonment. We are all aware of it, and aware that it is a driving force for many of her actions.

Our system manager is very close to the front all day every day. She is also a protector. Another protector we used to have has switched roles, and while she still watches for danger, she's less ...intense now.

And yes, I agree with what you said about relationships.

-- Thu Jul 18, 2019 9:42 am --

myce wrote:Also, it's unreasonable of you to expect others on this forum not to call you out when you're being self-destructive.

B is self destructive, there is no doubt about that. She pushes and pushes and pushes and then blows past the line and doesn't realize it until it's way far back in her rear-view mirror. Then she has to deal with the consequences, and then she feels even worse than she felt when she pushed the issue or boundary.

However, our relationship with our husband is not self-destructive. If that's how people chose to perceive it, there is nothing we can do about that. Many vanilla people do not understand D/s dynamics or why some people want/need that type of relationship. This isn't the first time I've been told it's bad or wrong, and all of our friends and acquaintances who are in the lifestyle have encountered the same thing. If vanilla people chose to ignore, or refuse to accept that these types of relationships have even more trust, bonding, and closeness between partners than vanilla relationships.. *shrug* nothing we can do about it.

Thank you for clarifying itsjustus. I understand better now what you already tried for b. It sounds like a tough position your in all together. Maybe a new therapist is a good idea, or contact the old one? Get help from someone outside the system and family.

Allcoulors wrote:Thank you for clarifying itsjustus. I understand better now what you already tried for b. It sounds like a tough position your in all together. Maybe a new therapist is a good idea, or contact the old one? Get help from someone outside the system and family.

A new therapist is a great idea. It's just not possible right now. We all miss the old T and wish we could see her.

How you tell the story now, is not how we saw it happening.

You became here selling BDSM. Your all messages were advertisements about your man. The whole point was to talk people into believing that submissing to a man means you will be saved from misery of DID and your life is gonna be wonderful. You were the living example of it. There was no other content really, and that is why people get triggered and suspicious about you, and they had all the reasons in the world to feel so. Some saw you as a part of a bigger sinister problem, some as a victim of being brainwashed to actually believe that.

There are several people in here that belong into sexual minority and live by it. Including several parts of our system. So acting like people attacked you for no reason because of your orientation is straight out lie. It was not about that. It was about how it was pushed.

You seem to forget you refused to stop the advertising and talk about DID instead, when people were telling you this is NOT BDSM forum, and if you wanna talk about how you call him Sir and what things he orders you to do, this is not a place for it. That is highly triggering to people who have been forced into that stuff against their will, and you need to respect it. There are communities for BDSM people, where you can talk about your household rules as much as you want to.

Your little was sad in the littles thread, telling she hated being so little and wanted to grow up, but he didn't allow her to grow, because he likes her little. It made other littles cry. Remember? You also forget how the sexually tortured 15 year old told you to shut up, and instead you wanted to start to send him private messages. Well, after acting like his victim first, because not liking your husband's methods is very very bad thing. You forget how you used little of one system to get in private contact with them, although it was about adult things, but instead of asking about it from an adult in their system, you went to littles thread to do it thru them. There is NO reason for an adult part to go in there and ask littles to get them private contact in there. So you ended up not so popular for a reason.

Then you made a rule that people who don't agree with your husband's methods are not allowed to talk to you. If that is OK, then why wasn't it OK when people who don't agree asked you to leave them be? The victim of RA mind control, or the underage victim of sexual torture?

I'm having hard time believing you didn't understand all these things were not OK. I saw you acting like a victim and maybe you think you were, but I don't agree.

And then out of nowhere there suddenly was a new member who started writing in here, who you allegedly had pm'd and helped so much and you wrote in public praises for each other and how great help you both are. People were asking then too, that what the heck is that about. It was basically PMs in open forum and that felt really weird. Sami would say it's a pretty common way to try to buy trust from others, someone who says they know you tells publicly you are a good person. Sorry, but to us it was as weird as all the other behaviors.

Your orientation or husband would not be a problem to anyone, if you would not have forced them to people who are not into that stuff, but would act like other people in relationships do. They don't have to tell in every message they are in relationship with a great person all should agree with. In my system there's three adults into BDSM, and actually there is no straight vanilla parts at all, if you look at the parts who are old enough to know their orientation. So don't you try to play the game like we would have problems with you because we do not understand sexual minorities. We do, very well in deed.

We also know what looked like a predatory behavior to us.

I have been nice to you, since I have no proof of these things actually linking together any sinister way they seem like, but like I have told, our defender will not forget how you came in here, and our version of it is very different from what you tell now it was. Like it would be just B who talks about him. Like people would have attacked your orientation for no reason at some point when you told it. Well, they didn't, it was clear what you represent before you told, and people just got annoyed by it, because few messages like that would've been fine, but then it didn't stop. They got fed up with it, because you forced it to everyone, talked nothing else, every message was really a praise for your man.

How many people you have seen in here that are being attacked because they are gay? How many people you have seen here being attacked because they are into BDSM? Non. Only thing not liked in here is not using trigger warning SA when emotionally 5 ear old is used to have sex for the system with adults.Trigger warning ends.

We have advised you to do the things you now claim he has suddenly done all the time, although all the examples you have given before were the opposite, and there were many. Us telling you, that DID systems need inner communication and controlling them from outside is harmful has nothing to do with your orientation, or anyone's orientation. You are the one who wants to make everything to be about your sexuality, I'm not into hearing about it, but talking about DID since sexuality is irrelevant. Believe it or not, I'm fine with people being straight. When you take an advice to support B as an attack against your husband, the problem is not in what was said, but in how you wanted to hear it. How about admitting she is part in the system and your husband is not? But no, talking about basic thing like that was offensive.

And now the story has changed, suddenly all the things I said to you yesterday have been fine all the time, although yesterday you got angry because we asked about them. You do not like our system, because some of us really do pay attention to what happens and remembers, because we didn't come in here not knowing how this place is like. Telling having help from T would be good support for B was not OK yesterday, because it was in my message. It's funny how your story is so different depending on who asks. The exact same advice is OK from someone else. So the problem clearly is not what we talk about DID. Me saying the same thing is an attack and me being know-it-all, when from others it's something to comment on normally.

There's nothing more I wanna say. I just don't let your truth to be the one that is believed in without questions, only because some people didn't make it this far to tell their story. And I will not watch someone giving an impression they have problems with us because we are too close minded, because it's not true.

ItsJustUs wrote:I get what you're saying, and B is definitely very afraid of abandonment. We are all aware of it, and aware that it is a driving force for many of her actions.

B is self destructive, there is no doubt about that. .

I'm looking at you, front. What I said earlier,

This is the night-child, I just want to say this although I'm not fronting now. People think the "emotional parts" are the bad ones but that's not necessarily true. Sometimes the "good" parts, the ones who are nice and socially acceptable, they're just as sick if not worse than the "bad" ones.

If you want to help B, then feel what she's feeling. I have don't have anything else to say right now.