Progress?

Hii, I know it's been a long time since I posted anything on here, but something happened in therapy that I want to talk about because it's still very confusing to me. I am doing a lot better than the last time I posted anything on here, but I still haven't made much progress when it comes to the whole DID thing.

so uhm, Two sessions ago I started telling my T about how I get panic attacks or sometimes get close to fainting when I have to do work for uni. We then started talking about how when I was little my mom used to force/help me with my homework, and how that made me feel stuck and gave me a feeling of panic, fighting, crying and screaming on the inside.

Now last session we started working on that again, but about halfway through I started feeling very dizzy and spaced out. I suddenly couldn't recognize the room, even though I knew full well where I was. I told my T about it and she was acting very supportive and I did feel safe. Then after a while, she started asking me questions, one of which was my age. Her asking that question made me smile because I did feel very little and her seeing that made me happy, but at the same time I got embarrassed because I needed to act big, which led me to shut down completely. My T then started to talk to me a little bit and tried to explain the situation and tried to make me feel safe, which didn't really work because 'I' was freaking out.

After a while, my T got me out of it and I noticed that I could move again, but because I still feel the need to act in a continuous way, I kept sitting still. But apparently me T noticed that it was me sitting still and not the other 'frozen' part, which was very weird to me...

Anyways, my thing now is that it felt like I was acting weird and that I was just telling my T what she wanted to hear. But at the same time, I know that I honestly could not have acted 'normal' or 'big' if I had wanted to. Also, I felt like I could hear what my T was saying to me and I knew what my reaction was on everything, but then later after my T asked me about it, it suddenly felt very far away and I couldn't remember much. Now I think I can, but it still feels very far away.

Do you have any internal communication? Because it seems to me that you don’t have a sense of the little who was there so you could talk to them and feel more like you know what’s going on. It’s likely that it was the little who dealt with all that homework panic, and showed up to talk about it with the T.

It’s definitely progress if you are starting to show different parts to the T. It would probably be good for you to discuss the details of this experience with the T, because it sounds like you still feel very uncomfortable switching in front of her (which is fine, and there’s no rush), and you might start to feel more comfortable if you talk about the feelings you had when the little was there.

no I don't have any communication yet. I've been trying different things for about a year now, but every time i either feel like I'm making it up and go fully in denial or I start to get very spaced out. I'm also still very uncomfortable with the whole thing tbh, I try not to be and I try to be open for it, but every time i feel weird or want to act in a way that feels different to who I am I get very panicky and tell myself to hide it, which I know is very bad, but I can't help it.

The main thing I felt when I was 'little' was that I just felt very small and confused and I wanted either a blanket or someone who I trust to comfort me. I also kind of wanted to 'be myself', but that's something i've been trying to hide for as long as I can remember, so letting that go is going to be very hard.

a couple of weeks ago i was babysitting my little cousin with my grandma, and my cousin was playing baby gorilla, so he spoke with a more high pitched voice and his words sometimes came out a bit wrong. my grandma got very fed up with it after a while and she kept asking him to stop being so annoying and if he could just act normal. For some reason this made me think of when I was younger and how that hurt me and i got super sad by it. I don't know if this was the case, because I don't actually remember it, but I think growing up in an environment where being who 'I' was, was complained about a lot and I was said to be annoying does not help with all of this.

I'll try to talk to my T about it, but I don't know if i'm ready for that yet. Talking about this to her still feels very unsafe and I don't want to rush into it.

Bet a little one came to see what was going on. Sounds so close to what happened with us when little ones started feeling safe enough to come out. Tease my T cuz when something feels really weird or different he claims it's progress!! Take care of them.