When the Nightmares are Real

So I had a nightmare last night, waking me at 1am... and again a few hours later I woke with flashbacks, elements of it, so I thought. This nightmare was less surreal, more vivid, more intense, more... "real"... It was far more terrifying and disturbing...

I was writing in the journal about it this morning... and Pixie came out to add to what I was writing. She told me the reason it felt less surreal, less dream like, and why it was so vivid and terrifying was b/c it was NOT fiction of the mind, but memory driven... I read her statement, that sentence, two or three times... going over what I'd written, what I experienced last night, what I was remembering... and little details that dreams usually lack... small things I KNEW to be true from my childhood, things I remember...
Realizing what she was saying, this was A REAL INCIDENT, and not so much a nightmare but remembering it... I suddenly ran to the bathroom to throw up... two times... the sheer shock of the realization of this being real, having happened... it was literally stomach-turning...

I've been away most of the morning, Kitten's been out most of the day. Both Pixie and I are reeling in shock over this. She never wanted to relive it, to let me suffer it, too... and we've been getting closer slowly for the last year... this incident broke her they tell me, in many ways, for a long time... and she wrote that Angel knows the pains of this more than she does even... what was a single incident to HER... it was a repeated suffering for Angel, both before AND after this incident where she suffered it.

I don't know I WANT to know it all. I don't know that I want to remember it. That was terrifying. It was sickening. I thought the shame I felt in the nightmares was intense and bad... this... this is entirely different... to remember, to feel, to know... it's hell. It's pure hell... and I hate it.

-- Sat Jun 29, 2019 12:08 pm --

Sorry... just had to vent and let that out...

I'm sorry. I hope you can take good care of yourselves today.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I'm sorry. I hope you can take good care of yourselves today.

Thanks. We're trying. It's been a hard day. We've had a good 4 hours I'm aware of passing with someone else fronting. Not exactly unusual, but sort of high for a Saturday I guess.

hang in there.

keep hanging on. not your fault.

Darn we know what you mean. Always try to look on the bright side but could never find one for this. Then my T said if more than one is remembering, that means there is some co-consciousness going on. Said it could go on without me!!!
He doesn't believe we need to relive every detail & get retraumatized. Sometimes it doesn't feel like there is a choice. Hang in there. There is a bright side. This is progress. You'll only see it when you get out of the tunnel. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry. Be gentle with yourselves.

Thanks everyone... I'm still shaken, Pixie, too... but we're doing ok. We both appreciate the support and kind words.

Zor and Pixie - been thinking about you guys. Hope you are doing okay and taking care of yourselves.

We are doing ok... he's struggling a bit... like crying at times for no reason, curling up odd like at night in bed, sleeping with a pillow beside him to the outside of the bed like a "wall", etc... a bit of loss of energy, appetite, and generally no motivation to get stuff done... but Kitten and I did a TON yesterday to get like catch up and even get ahead on things, so it's all good. It's a team effort, right?

Thanks for asking, that means a lot. <3

{\Pixie/}