DID Help *TW*

Ok, to start off with I came from a pretty dysfunctional family. My grandma has bipolar and was divorced, my mother had me at 19 and was still in college, and my dad left me before I turned 1. My mom was pretty absent when I was really young-which is understandable, she was a single, teenage mom going to online college to try to support me. My mom and I lived with my grandma, who I’m pretty sure was still emotionally manipulative at that time. I don’t remember much from my early childhood-until Grade 4 or 5, spare important events like meeting my stepdad for the first time (which turns out I’ve met him many times before that, but I only remembered that one specific time “meeting” him), their marriage, and the birth of my two half-siblings. At that time I still didn’t realize how abusive and manipulative my grandma was/is. I’m pretty sure the trauma that I have is emotional and psychological abuse/manipulated, but I know that amnesia from the events is pretty common to hosts (which I think I am). Basically what she did was (TW here) gaslight me, but straight up doing it. But she only started doing it around Grade 6-7 when I told her that I was interested in psychology. (Note that I saw her every morning because she drove me to school) If I wasn’t hungry one morning out of the entire school year she would throw a fit and slap labels at me, saying that I had bulimia and anorexia and that she was going to take me to a doctor to fix me. I’m terrified of doctors, I always has been, so this was horrible for me. Another time when it was about 30 minutes before we had to leave for a band concert, and my parents and siblings were waiting before she decided that she wanted me to take a bath. I don’t want to, because I was already in the band uniform. She once again threw a fit and stormed out, screaming to my mom that I had Schizophrenia and that she needed to take me someone to “fix me”. I don’t really want to get into the other gaslighting stuff, but it got pretty bad that she would do it almost every day. She was also scream about my parents (I do think of my (step)dad as my parent) pretty much daily and if I don’t go along with her, insulting my flippin parents left and right then she would once again throw a fit, making it about her and forcing me to throw all of my emotions towards her and give her pity. That’s what she loved, manipulating people into giving her as much pity as she should get. I don’t remember exactly what she did, I guess I blocked that stuff out. The woman also made remarks about my body when I was only 12 years old (I did have a slightly more mature body than my peers) and constantly talk about my breasts, saying that they were big sometimes and other times that they were too small and needed to be big like hers (note that she was pretty obese, so that was a big factor in that). I had hips pretty young too, my measurements being around 32-33 around the time, and was skinny for my age, if I remember I was 87 pounds, and she would constantly tell me that I needed to watch out or I would be raped and kidnapped, and that men were dogs that only wanted sex from women and that they should either be slaves to women or be killed off. Even when I decided to tell her I was gay (I no longer identify as gay, but ace now) she made it about how she once thought that she too was gay and that she should be the center of the conversations and that she was the reason I was gay, and that I should thank her. And when I told my parents about (almost) all of this, my grandma made it about her. She would call my mom just to cry and randomly come over, storm upstairs to my room, and start ranting about how “sorry” she was and that she didn’t do anything wrong and I was just imagining it all. My parents told me to forgive her because “that’s what Christ would do” only after three weeks from when I told them, and if a lifetime of damage could just go away like that. (TW end)
Now that was what I think was the trauma, but I might not remember all of it, as that could just be a part of it. I think I might have a dissociative disorder, but I have not seen a therapist/psychiatrist. I don’t think that I have OSDD-1A, and instead I’m more focused on OSDD-1b and DID. I dissociate a lot. I’m pretty sure I do it when I see crosses and when I stand up (when I was really young my grandma would chase me around the house and that really the only exercise/time I walked/ran a lot). What happens when I dissociate is I become v e r y dizzy. I also get severe tunnel vision, which comes in quickly-formed spots around my peripheral vision, and I completely loose my train of thought along with feeling like I’m floating. I’ve never directly had notes or anything from alters but I have had what I think is emotional “leaking” from them. I do have a family history of bipolar and borderline so it may be the cause of it, but I honestly don’t think it is. I’ll be doing something then all of a sudden I’ll feel a rush of emotions or feel for a moment different beliefs than I have (for example I’ll think about how I’m a Christian out of the blue when I identify as an atheist). I think if I do have a system, I think we are more co-conscious. For instance I won’t know what I did that day, but I remember sorta-experiencing it and if I think hard enough I’ll remember snippets of it. The most prominent times I think might’ve front for me is during class. I could look at the clock before daydreaming for only a couple of seconds, and then all of a sudden thirty minutes pass just like that. I have a really bad memory, which I don’t know has anything to do with this, and I don’t remember a lot of the times I might’ve switched. I would like to note that I still have to see my grandma, which is very difficult. I also have pretty bad insomnia which includes not being able to fall asleep and waking up multiple times throughout the night. I didn’t include other parts of the trauma, such as that from my extended family and the more verbal side of my grandmother. I’d honestly like to see if anyone with DID has the same symptoms as I do, along with some tips to how to communicate with alters other than writing stuff down (because my parents would notice). Thank you if you got it this far, bye <3

Hi RandomMelody, welcome to the forum.

Some of the stuff you said about your grandmother reminded us about our mother, like how everything has to be about her and seeking pity and and stuff. Sorry you had to / have to deal with that stuff.

A few of the symptoms you mentioned in relation to standing up, ie dizziness, tunnel vision, spots in the edges of your vision, that could all have a physiological cause (eg. low blood pressure) so it would be a good idea to get that checked by a physician. Just to rule out any physical health issues.

And I know you said you haven't seen a therapist, but obviously it would be a good idea to do so, to let them know you suspect a dissociative disorder.

As for communicating, I know you said no writing, but tbh we've really found that one of the best mechanisms for us - not just for communicating but also just for organizing our own thoughts and to help not forget stuff. (We also have awful memory at times.)

If you started keeping a diary/journal, do you believe your family would ignore your privacy and snoop in it?

Other ways you can try to communicate is just try talking inside. For us we've found it works best to speak out loud, but focus inward. We go on walks or bike rides, and just start talking inside. Asking if anyone's around, if anyone wants to talk, if anyone needs something, etc.

It can take time to get responses, and sometimes we get nothing, but we do it almost every day, to keep reminding everyone that they can talk if they want.

Good luck!

Arin

VioletFlux wrote:Hi RandomMelody, welcome to the forum.

Some of the stuff you said about your grandmother reminded us about our mother, like how everything has to be about her and seeking pity and and stuff. Sorry you had to / have to deal with that stuff.

A few of the symptoms you mentioned in relation to standing up, ie dizziness, tunnel vision, spots in the edges of your vision, that could all have a physiological cause (eg. low blood pressure) so it would be a good idea to get that checked by a physician. Just to rule out any physical health issues.

And I know you said you haven't seen a therapist, but obviously it would be a good idea to do so, to let them know you suspect a dissociative disorder.

As for communicating, I know you said no writing, but tbh we've really found that one of the best mechanisms for us - not just for communicating but also just for organizing our own thoughts and to help not forget stuff. (We also have awful memory at times.)

If you started keeping a diary/journal, do you believe your family would ignore your privacy and snoop in it?

Other ways you can try to communicate is just try talking inside. For us we've found it works best to speak out loud, but focus inward. We go on walks or bike rides, and just start talking inside. Asking if anyone's around, if anyone wants to talk, if anyone needs something, etc.

It can take time to get responses, and sometimes we get nothing, but we do it almost every day, to keep reminding everyone that they can talk if they want.

Good luck!

Arin

Thank you for responding! I actually have to go to the doctor next week, so I’ll check my blood pressure there. I’ll try to keep a journal, but my siblings always come in and mess with my stuff so I don’t know how long that’ll be able to last. I did actually make on in the “notes” app, and I’ll keep that on every time I’m not actively using my phone. I actually just started talking out loud, though it feels sorta awkward but I’ll get over it. I’m currently trying to get the nerve to talk to my parents about seeking out a therapist, but I’m pretty sure they don’t see what my grandma did as trauma/that her actions actually has effects. Thanks again for responding, I really appreciate it :) (Also sorry for the mess of this post)

ways to communicate,

Try doing thing such as working with internal landscape or the family system. Team sports using this way, if football, offense or defense explaining it using and analogy. Another good way would be using corporate hierarchies until it is time to dismantle the Highest self who becomes too slow or only wants to help when he wants.