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Can anyone relate to this Tw

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Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby Rive » Mon Jun 24, 2019 2:16 am

***May Trigger***(cussing and mention of self harm)*****

These are thoughts not voices. I am been writing them done over several weeks time. Not all of them of course.


Thought said early abuse out of the blue.

Thinking about getting Chinese food and thought said I dont want to f'n die.

Thinking I dont want throat cancer. Someone said you are a little baby.

Thinking about if Dr. C would let me play with the toys in her office since someone said their T lets them. Thought said Ahh $#%^!

Thinking I dont have amnesia and thought said do you want to hug me. It was so real it scared me.

Thinking about missing my mental health skill builders when I cant see them and someone said beauty after bruises I said, because I was in the process of looking up that site. Btw good site if interesting. Debunking DID myths.

Thinking about getting a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde tattoo and thought said eat your dinner mfer. I wasn't eating

Thinking about someone saying hypnosis may be a good idea but may not work. Thought said stop touching me.

Thinking of someone I miss. Thought said I love you. Hug me.

Thinking they better change my diagnosis on my chart. Accompanied by the thought umm momma.

Thinking about if my counselor were here. Thought said Highland Park boulevard mfer

Thought will you wake me up at night

Thinking about how bad mom scares me falling asleep driving. Then thought do you want to snuggle.

Thinking about sleep meds for some reason and knowing I can't breath in my sleep as it is. Thought said do you want to sleep?

Thinking about how someone said something that didnt make sense. Thought said share a sentence.

Thinking about if Dr. B my sleep doctor is going to put me on oxygen. Thought said let me see it.

Thinking about if Dr.C told me to lose weight. Thought said Lewis what the hell is wrong with you. Dont know anyone named Lewis.

Thinking about doing exercises and thought said don't touch me.

Thinking about Dr.C telling me I had alters and thought Oh shut up!

Saw a bird out the corner of my eye. Reminded me of when I see those little black things. Thought thats a cute bird I love him. I dont like birds.

Scrolling through fb and thought said awww you little $#%^. I was just looking at random peoples posts.

Thinking about how my alter were created to handle sexual abuse. Thought said I am going to slit your wrist.

Thinking about how the doctor said he wouldn't want my heart rate getting higher than 130. Thought said ok love you.

Reading something about a couple turning there farm into a animal sanctuary. Thought said awww that's a little baby.

Thinking about moving and if bed bugs might still be in the stuffed rabbit my dad gave me. Thought said it doesnt mean they are not still in there.

Watching the tight wire act. Thought that is crazy. Thought said ok shhh

Does this sound like alters or random thought?
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby Johnny-Jack » Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:03 am

Yes, I can relate. It sounds like there may be more than one consistent voice there. I hesitate to group and identify them since that's your job.

It took me a long time to realize other alters mostly couldn't hear my thoughts, at least.not clearly, unless i was "saying" them to myself. And even then I had to be putting my thinking into full sentences, and speaking them inside, almost as if practicing a speech to an audience. When I accepted that I probably had DID, I knew I needed to communicate with them. So I added intention, I was intending to be heard. It didn't always work but it certainly helped! I assumed for so long that they could just pick up what I was thinking. We were in the same brain after all. But they couldn't. I couldn't pick up what they were thinking when they fronted either. I tried. That's how our system works.

You may be overhearing alters talking to others or maybe to you. Have you tried speaking aloud to them? It may take a long time for this to work well. When I do that, I have to say what I want, then I have to pause deliberately and listen carefully. The responses were sometimes, muddy, disjointed, and incomplete. They still can be occasionally.

To combat my skepticism, I would ask the alter who replied a question with an answer I didn't know, like who were the friends you used to hang out with? In that case I got back names I hadn't heard for decades, and had no faces to put with them, no memories of them. Yet I knew we socialized with their families and we were similar in age. This was communication with a high value for me. I was learning what happened in my life that I didn't remember but someone else did.

Communication is still not smooth in my system. We don't sit and chat, except while journaling and even that is more stream-of-thought from one of us for a while. We've learned how to send "emotional packages" to the system or another alter. It's hard to describe but it is important communication. When someone is fronting, they may talk aloud to everyone and that's solid communication.

I write all this to illustrate that some ideal picture of alters having a long, direct conversation, the way two people in the outside world would, isn't what happens for all systems. You actually sound like you have the potential for decent communication.

Sometimes my alters sound like alters, like another person. Sometimes it sounds like I'm kind of thinking the words. All that's fine with me. We're DID but sometimes we feel very DDNOS or OSDD.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby myce » Tue Jun 25, 2019 4:44 am

I get random chatter like this and it just feels like my own thoughts. Compulsively talk out loud to myself too, especially the night-child. Several years ago I asked myself "why do I talk to myself?" and the answer said "we talk to ourselves so we can forget." It still didn't occur to me that I might be multiple, lol.

Sometimes I have "looping" sensations in the thoughts, they're just repetitive. Some are simple fragments and some are more elaborated and tormented obsessions. A long time ago I was hallucinating, hearing things. It was mostly mundane stuff like I'd hear a radio playing, etc, but it upset me that I couldn't tell what was reality and what wasn't. Scared the hell out of me that I was losing my mind even more. So I listened carefully and found the hallucinations would become repetitive, looping.

There is one looping fragment that says "I love my husband." What? I had a terrible marriage and divorced six years ago. I tell the script to say "I love my baby" (daughter) instead and it does. All I can figure is I somehow "inherited" the script from my mom because that's her fixation. The night-child is obsessed with mom issues.
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby Rive » Tue Jun 25, 2019 12:39 pm

Thanks guys. Myce do you think what you have described
is OSDD then or something else?
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby SeveralCrows » Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:24 pm

Our most frequent "random" phrase is "Do you want to get married?" and I hate it. We have never been willing to marry any of the people we've dated. I think we're just trying to figure out if we ever want to?

Yesterday after getting home from playing a game for an hour, out of the mouth came the words, "This game is stupid, I hate it." The ones fronting to play were really enjoying it.

We have many loops, like myce, as well as compulsively talking out loud to ourselves.

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System currently being reconfigured. Please stand by.
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby Rive » Tue Jun 25, 2019 6:11 pm

So is that a DID thing or something else.

-- Tue Jun 25, 2019 10:12 am --

So is that a DID thing or something else.
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby ItsJustUs » Tue Jun 25, 2019 6:22 pm

Sometimes when I'm thinking, "What should I make for dinner?" I end up yelling, "PANCAKES!" or "ICE CREAM," except it's not, "me." It's my little. It happens less now than it used to. Recently she's just started yelling it in my head, not out of our mouth. She used to do that when she thought I wouldn't "hear" her inside or I would ignore her like a random thought (as I often did before I knew I was multiple).

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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby myce » Wed Jun 26, 2019 1:25 am

Dnester wrote:Thanks guys. Myce do you think what you have described
is OSDD then or something else?


I believe I have OSDD and couldn't tell you if it was something else. This is a good article that explains the difference between DID and OSDD.
http://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd.html
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby Rive » Wed Jun 26, 2019 1:54 am

Thank you. I was asking more along the lines of if you thought it was a dissociative disorder whether it be OSDD or DID or schziophrenia. The random thoughts.
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Re: Can anyone relate to this Tw

Postby SeveralCrows » Wed Jun 26, 2019 2:23 pm

I have OSDD-1 and have been lucky enough to actually get a diagnosis. I definitely do not have schizophrenia. I suspect that these thoughts and surprise comments are dissociative fragments or alters speaking up.

If you are able to watch YouTube, DissociaDID did a video on the differences between DID and Schizophrenia that you might find helpful.

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