DID & forgiveness

Totally at a loss here. My T asked how we felt about forgiving our abusers. After a chorus of no ways, realized didn't really know what that meant. One alter has decided to track them down and kill them so guessing that prompted the question. Should say they are in no danger. They are probably all dead. She is also too young to put a plan together & carry it out. But what would be the practical results? How would *forgiving* make her feel better? How does one go about that..like are there a series of steps? Read stuff online but just can't get my head wrapped around it.

We're usually a lot more interested in forgiving ourselves than abusers. Forgiving ourselves for not having escaped, forgiving ourselves for not having found a way to stop them, forgiving ourselves for not having advocated for our well-being in a way that actually got results. Seeing that we did a lot and acknowledging that, and that if it mattered to the people who mistreated us then it wouldn't have taken such efforts to make them stop.

I think it depends on the type of abuse experienced whether it's worth trying to have more compassion for the person who did wrong. Like, the body's parents did a lot better than their parents did. They really did the best they could figure out on their own. Most of us are strongly of the opinion they should have gotten help to do better, and feelings that come about with that are varied.

A quote we heard recently that we really like is, "Forgiveness is releasing all hope of a better past." No one can go back and change what happened, can only move forward. When you can really know that, feel that, accept that there is no redo, that's healing. I have been wondering lately about the idea of forgiving that something happened. Not forgiving a person, just allowing that life happened in a way that you couldn't stop and you existed through that and now you get to have control over having a different path that isn't tied to that experience anymore.

I don't know if that really answered your question, but I don't know if I can really either. I hope that helps you to answer your own questions at least.

-Mew, electric crow, and Sev3

You need to be angry as long as you need to be. At some point, it will start wearing you down. Being angry to the point of wanting to track someone down and kill them.. well, it's not a happy feeling. It makes you feel bad. Forgiving doesn't mean you will accept what they did, it means you accept it happened, you can't change it, and you give up the anger and bitterness because you understand those are feelings that only make you feel bad, with no benefit what so ever. You understand you feeling angry will not affect your abusers any way, it only affects you. No more energy is wasted because of them. That's the point.

Most important point is to not dissociate bad feelings away, but let them go. You can't do that before you have let enough anger out. I guess you know when you'll be ready. It's not about them, it's about you.

I'd think it as a simple question, if anger makes you feel bad, or is it something you feel makes you stronger, and your answer if letting go of it would be a good solution is pretty much there.

It's pretty much same thing with being a victim. It can be comforting thought to understand you didn't do anything wrong. Everyone else messed up, and you're the innocent victim. Fourteen would want to be able to feel that so badly, but he can't, because he doesn't believe it's true. As long as it gives you comfort, it's OK, like it is OK to blame the ones who are responsible. But at some point it will keep you from moving forwards. And that's when you let it go, and see yourself as no victim anymore.

Someone outsider saying you should forgive, or that you should just move on, to a person who is not ready to do that.. well, those are the shittiest advice ever. It basically means they're saying you shouldn't feel about what happened to you, like you could just be not affected by it that easily. And because that is most disrespectful advice for someone in trauma processing if said at wrong moment, you can forget it, if it's not your time yet. Some day it can be, and will be.

We can totally relate to the "want them dead" feeling. A lot of us think we will never be safe as long as my father is alive.

Two years ago, we couldn't even imagine forgive anything to him. First, he never apologized, so how are we supposed to forgive him ? Second, forgiving has always been a synonym of forgetting to us, and remembering what happened is important to spot future red flags and stay safe.

But I've (and I'm - Plume - the only one thinking like that for now) realized two things through the last two/three years : forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget and come back to the person because they suddenly are good people. No, they are not, they are still the ones who harmed you. But you can forgive, keep remembering, and stay away because you know it's better for you. It doesn't make you a bad person.
And I also started to understand it's wasn't really his fault. He's been abused too, this had twisted his mind into thinking he has to keep everything under control and those who aren't under his control are a threat.
I don't say he's not a monster, I don't say he's not responsible for what he did, just that I realized he isn't able to act differently, he's not able to realize what he did, and it was just luck, a better context or maybe genetics, if we didn't end up being like him.

I don't forgive him for now, but I've started to understand.
And that doesn't mean I will come back to him. Just that I'm more at peace with what happened to us when we were kids. I'm less angry, more in a "okay, it happened, okay, it was horrible. Now how are we gonna heal and move on ?" spirit.

To say the truth, I'm more angry at my mom than him now... She stayed until the situation became unbearable for her, "ignoring" the harm my father did to us by dissociating, and even if we know the logic behind her behavior, this pill is still hard to swallow...

But don't put pressure on you to forgive anything. It will come when you'll be ready.
Being angry has a purpose : keeping you safe and ready to fight. It doesn't make you a bad person to be angry, just someone who want and try to stay safe, and it will last as long as you need it.