Help Dealing with new Awareness * TW *

Hello People of the Internet

I'm a mess and I'm hoping someone somewhere might know some ways I can better deal.

Shortened Version: I am amidst trying to find a therapist that is willing to work with me (and my DID) and accepting DID as a Disorder of mine. I am confused as to what I'm feeling and thinking - what's my thoughts, which feelings come from an alter? And how do I know I'm not just crazy? How do I find a therapist that is willing to take me on?

**Trigger Warning: Mention of Sexual Abuse**
Long version: I've always had a lot of mental health issues. Two years ago I remembered a specific sexual abuse, brought on to me by my brother, that I had suffered through when I was a young child. I was in therapy when I remembered this Incident and talked about it with my therapist. The therapist and I decided together, that I should tell my mother as I was then living with her and my brother, but I wanted to get as far away from my brother as possible, as soon as I remembered what happened. I felt trapped, I was hurt, I was terrified. All life long I had known there was something not right with the relationship of me and my brother. Anyways, I felt the need to inform my mother, as I hoped we could figure out a living situation for me that is dealable. I told her in a session with my therapist as I assumed those news would be a huge shock for her. Turns out the news didn't matter to her at all. My mother yelled at me in therapy and up until she kicked me out, that I am just making it up to gain attention, that even if it did happen it was so many years ago and it shouldn't matter anymore, that my brother loves me so much (the list goes on). She blamed me for what happened and not telling her sooner (when I didn't know any sooner I had blocked that memory out). A half year of constant torment and abuse later she kicked me out. (I was 18 at the time). I couln't go live with my dads as he is an abusive alcoholic (something that only I knew as he's only ever been abusive and alcoholic with me) and I couldn't live with my mother. All my other relatives live out of country and I was in my last year of education (kind of like high school) in the middle of getting my diploma, I couln't drop out of school to find a living space, so I was homeless for two weeks.
Then my boyfriends parent's took me in. I slept in their house, they fed me and kept me safe. During that time I had a lot of incidents where I blacked out and don't remember what I did. Sometimes after those black outs I'd find the laundry to be already done, when I so clearly remembered not doing it. Or I remember my presentation for school to be finished when I had planned to work on it tonight etc. It was then when it first occured to me that I might have DID.
After settling in with my boyfriends parents I repressed everything that happened to focus entirely on making it through school. (I did I managed to get my diploma). After I've finished school I found a job and moved out to live on my own. (that was 9 months ago).
The therapist I had when I remembered the abuse left town for another job shortly after the confrontation with my mother. I got a new one, which also left town after a few months. So I got a new therapist, who called me before every appointment saying that he can't make it this week he'll have to reschedule. So I currently don't have a therapist, but I desperately need one.
In the last few months I've noticed symptoms and behaviours that can not be explained by anything but DDNOS/DID.
A week ago I got diagnosed with DID. And since them I am doing absolutely terrible. I'm writing here because I'm assuming many of you went through a similar thing after becoming aware.

I don't know whether anything is real. It feels like I'm just crazy and making everything up. Sometimes I hear voices or feel feelings that don't really belong to me and my mind starts racing. Is this an alter? Will they come out? Where will I go? Am I really DID or just attention seeking and making things up?
I try to encourage communication, I talk to myself (about how we are safe now and that I don't want to rush anyone to reveal themselves but that it's okay to do so now) to let potential persons now that I care. Sometimes I hear answers to my questions, but honestly I just think I'm insane. How do I know that what I'm hearing are really alters and not just me going crazy?

I'd just really need some tips or help or anything on how to deal with being aware for the first time, I'd also love to do reading if any of you had some helpful literature.
I hope this is legible and understandable but as I said, my brain is a mess at the moment.

hey there
it sounds like you've been through a lot lately. and also like you mastered it really well!
I am really very sorry your mother reacted that way, that is a lot of denial to deal with in an already tough situation.

when it comes to finding a therapist things are slightly different, depending on the country you live in. usually the ISSTD (international society for the study of trauma and dissociation) has a website where you can find contacts. in europe it is calles the ESTD.

the beginning can be really tough and it is normal so have so many doubts and to think you made it all up. I have heard it discussed as something that maybe should even be added to the list of symptoms, it is so common.
exploring all that is inside can feel very scary. it helps a little to nurture curiosity. when we are truly curious there is little room for the fear. if you can then add a little openness for whatever you will find, you've come far. don't push yourself too hard, you don't need to figure it out in a day. digging too deep without having a therapist is rarely a good idea.
you can come here for support and with questions. it helped us a lot when we started to finally face our truth. welcome to the forum!

Hi and welcome.

I too am sorry for the way your mother reacted. Also, for the abuse you have suffered.

I have been in therapy for several years, but just recently came into awareness and was dx with DID. I get the denial, as it is easy to think I have made it up or something - for me I think that is part of why it has taken so long to become aware. Yet, as you said there is no other explanation and all I truly want going forward in my life is to heal the pain. The amnesia is scary, but for me I have to remember this is what I needed to do to survive.

Finding a therapist is important or has been for us - you are trying which I think is good. When working on communication I regularly remind everyone we are safe now and it is 2019. I try to stay open to whoever wants to come - as it sounds like you do. I do not have a lot of cocon yet either, but in time.

Somebody offered me this early on when I came here: I hope it can be of help to you.

http://did-research.org/treatment/grounding.html

This has been a good place for us to come with questions and to not feel so alone. I hope the same will be true for you.

thank you for your kind words, i kept an open mind and met an alter this week (i‘m going to make a separate post talking about that experience.) I have known about ESTD already, but thank you for bringing them up, it made me get off my butt and call a counseling centre for people that were abused in childhood. i‘ll be having an appointment with them soon