Partner is DID, the struggle after one of his alters "Died"

Good morning all. My name is Rylixiou and my boyfriend has DID and we've been working with it very well for the last seven months. I have read a lot of literature and have been trying to be very supportive.

Recently, however our current situation was put under a lot of stress due to outside influences that were effecting us both. He was facing deportation from the United States, a couple and their one year old daughter moved into his tiny one bedroom apartment from Russia and we were forced into the living room when we wanted to stay at his place. His best friend left the state and moved to California. He works a job where he needs to be there 10 hours a day 5 days a week, hard labor. He began to lose sleep when the couple moved in, we both did. I watched his system start to fall apart. The regular routine we had was no longer an option. As he lost sleep, he began to spiral into a crisis. His protector came out to defend the personality that I was most familiar with and he called it "survival mode." He kept mentioning to me that he loved me and still wanted me by his side but that he also wanted to stay alive.

He told me how important sleep was to him during this time. I too was struggling with sleep with a baby in his apartment. Often times he was going to a 10 hour hard labor day with no sleep at all. When I offered my place, he refused stating that survival mode needed to sleep at this place. Im sure the weight of his situation heavy on his mind (it was also heavy on my mind, but if we weren't getting sleep then how could we solve the issues together). I had never met the protector before and there were many things about this alter that hurt my feelings. I tried my best to ignore these things prioritizing his sleep.

Then he got a very bad headcold and sharp headaches. I was taking care of him as much as possible, making him soup and tea. When he told me he was tired, I kissed him goodnight and said I would go stay at my place to sleep that night so that we could both stay healthy.

The next day, one of his friends visited my place to pick up a game I said he could borrow weeks ago. Then he wouldn't leave my place. I called my boyfriend (it was noon the next day) and asked if he could come help me with the situation. I expected the response of the alter I was usually familiar with but it was definitely the protector and he was quite insane responding to the situation. We ended up getting into quite the fight as the protector kept saying things to hurt me and things that were not reality and I kept trying to explain logically. He left my place screaming "Please don't kill me! Give me time or I die. This is the first time in my life I have not wanted to live." This was very sad for me, do I give him time in a suicidal state? What do I respect.

I opted to phone the Russian couple staying at his place many hours later to just see if he was alive. He had not returned. His online status was offline on all platforms since he left my place which was very unusual. Finally, the next morning (after I had called all the hospitals in town) the Russian couple indicated to me that he had shown back up half alive at the place but was sleeping. Relieved, I decided to give him the space he had requested.

I then get a message from him after a 48 hour hiatus stating that the personality i was most familiar with had not survived. That there were many beautiful pieces of him floating around that would find a place in the system but that he was now gone and he was struggling to know who he currently was. That someone else had been born.

This broke my heart. I told him I loved all of him no matter what and that this was a new opportunity to grow together. I accept all his parts and love him as a whole. He did not respond. I opted to continue to be patient and give him his space.

I guess I just needed to vent somewhere about this. Do alters die? Are new ones reborn? Was the situation with me at the end so traumatic that he needed to create a new alter? Will I ever see him again or does the death of the alter mean the death of us? He's facing tons of stress. None of the other issues were resolved and I always want to help. Any advice? This limbo hurts tremendously.

Sleep deprivation is a serious problem. I hope he is not driving anywhere or operating machinery.

Was he suicidal? Unclear. What should you do if you think someone may be suicidal? Call a suicide crisis line and talk through it with them, confidentially.

It sounds like he got jealous about the guy you let in your place who would not leave, and now he has broken up with you. When that happens usually the most helpful response you can make is to move on. Love him, respect his choice, and let him go.

Clearly the guy was no friend. Did you make a police report? If something like that happens again make an emergency call to the police. Men who violate boundaries like that are violators.

Do alters die? Yes and no. Usually a "dead" alter isn't really dead forever, locked up inside for days, weeks, months, years, maybe the rest of the person's life. Alters can split and join.

-- Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:58 pm --

I am sorry that I cannot offer hope. This kind of relationship crisis is pretty common, DID or no DID all pretty much the same, and usually the relationship does not get repaired.

Well, we only know what you tell us, and therefor we take it as you tell it. And we have no reason to question what they said to you either. In crisis, yes, parts can go away and not come back. Alters don't actually die, but I guess using the right words in here is not the point. The personality you dated with mostly maybe didn't survive the crisis, so they needed to recreate themselves somehow. Things like that happen, and being a main front, the one who goes to work and deals with outside mostly, is hard job. Sometimes they need to be replaced, because they can't continue. It's a thing that happens, to some systems regularly, to some never, systems and their situations are different. His qualities are still in the system, but if you were told they are not there in a form of a part anymore, who am I to say they're lying.

If you were mainly in relationship with that part, and others were OK with it to support him and co-operative with him, things can change when he's not there anymore. Others may have been in the relationship because they supported his choice, but they as themselves, or the new main front, may not feel the same about you. Sounds their parts who takes care of them in crisis does not want to be in a relationship with you. That's their boundary you need to respect. He's a different personality, with different opinions and views on world, and building up a relationship when they are barely surviving alive is not their priority now anyway. To you it may feel continuing the relationship, but for them in changing process, it can feel like building new one.

It's sad, we feel for you, but move on. If they wanna find you later, they know how, but don't keep yourself waiting. Let yourself be sad and get it out of you. Talking to a T yourself is not a bad idea, break ups are hard, living with system like you did is hard, so don't forget yourself.

It's great to hear from someone, who cares about the whole person, that's not so common. And it's sad it ended up like that.

You are not their therapist or their caregiver. You were in a relationship, and although person you were with has this condition, it doesn't change the way relationships are. Sometimes they don't last. You don't need to feel any way responsible about them or how they survive, it's on them. They decided not to take support from you, so that's how it is.

We are basing our opinion on the way you tell the story, we can not know what all is untold. I don't mean you are hiding anything, just that you can not tell it all in one message, and we can't get information anywhere else. Hearing these facts like this, we need to agree with Una+.

Find support for yourself now.

Hi Rylixiou,

Una+ and Floralie have already given you some good info. There's only one bit I can comment on.

Rylixiou wrote:I then get a message from him after a 48 hour hiatus stating that the personality i was most familiar with had not survived. That there were many beautiful pieces of him floating around that would find a place in the system...

Do alters die? Are new ones reborn? Was the situation with me at the end so traumatic that he needed to create a new alter? Will I ever see him again or does the death of the alter mean the death of us?

So, in our system the alter we call our 'previous host' (Stephanie) didn't know she had DID and was part of a system. When the walls started coming down and our DID crisis began she couldn't deal with it and she sort of 'died'. She let herself fade away or dissolve to nothing.

But within a couple months we started getting hints of a 'new' person. It took about 5 or 6 months but we got someone back who wasn't Stephanie but had a lot of her memories and stuff. Call it rebirth or reincarnation or whatever.

So, every system is different and there's different things that can happen and all, but for us at least, we had something sorta similar to what you describe, and the person did sorta come back. She has a different name now, and different role in our system. But she did come back, more or less.

This has actually happened twice in our system. Both times it was hosts who 'died' and then came back sorta different.

Good luck with your partner. But do look after yourself too.

V2

I'm sorry for you but the relationship is over. Alters do not literally die since they come from living tissue, but they can go dormant or the system can be rearranged. I think he's telling the truth the alter you knew no longer exists. Besides why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone whose protector is hostile to you? That is a bad omen for a relationship even if you could salvage some aspect of it.

We have had a part "disappear," in the sense she is not here in the way she was before. I didn't get a chance to get to know her as I have gotten to know the other parts in our system. My husband tells me that the other parts had talked about her shortly after they all started talking to him. Then, he says he realized one day that she hadn't been spoken of in a while and the other parts told him she was gone. It didn't really affect our system much, that I can tell. None of the others seem to have known her well. Delilah had spoken to her a few times and we are told that she told Delilah, "I don't need to be here anymore," Then she just kind of dissolved and Delilah absorbed her. It's not quite the right wording, but I hope you get the idea.

There were also a few times that Britney got so stressed that she would freak out about "dying," and disappearing and not coming back. She actually went so dormant one time that we thought she had "died." About a month later she was back though.

All that to say, systems can be unstable, especially under stress.

My advice would be, if there is another part you are on good terms with, try to talk to that part and say, "OK, I was told x died and is now floating around in pieces. Do you think he could come back? What do you all think of me? Are we friends, at least? Where do I stand with you all?"

And either they will be willing to communicate with you since you have been a support, or as the other people here have said, the other parts may have just supported the relationship because you were good for that one personality that isn't there anymore.

Regardless, I'm very sorry you are hurting. No one here likes to see another person in pain.

I wish you the best.

K

Sounds like a lot of chaos. Does he have a T?

I didn't think I had anything to add until I recalled that one of Sunflower's insiders shattered. He was inciting negative things and SF internally fought him. When he hit the ground he shattered, but we were told a set of conditions where he would reappear. Those conditions have only been partially completed, but he is back and intact again.

The mind is a very interesting thing.... Given saftey, love, and calm, a lot of healing can occur....

We have had a similar situation with a 'friend' of a previous alter, twice over the years. The first time we had under gone a major life change many would have understood and could have understood a person's personality changing completely as a result. (we were totally unaware of DID at the time though)

The second time the second alter who had continued the friendship the last time also suffered a kind of breakdown 15 years later and decided she no longer wanted to continue as the main host. Another alter came up front, by this time we had discovered DID and understood there was a system, however 'the friend' doesn't know. As we are new to this and as yet undiagnosed officially with DID (but are diagnosed with another condition known to cause dissociation) we haven't actually told anyone we have 'alter's or the personality they think is 'me' isn't me!

As you knew your boyfriend had DID and could talk about it, maybe you could ask another alter if they wanted to be friends? Maybe writing to them so they have time to think without confrontation or pressure,just leave them your number or email and leave it up to them to contact you if they want to stay friends? Maybe start again from chatting online like penpals to meeting up for a coffee etc? they may just feel they need a complete break from the relationship for a while though so maybe you could give them a few months to decide what they want to do?

I just wanted to follow up for those interested and for others that might be in a similar situation looking for support. Disheartened by what I was reading here about the relationship being over, and refusing to give up, I joined *mod edit* Dissociative Identity Disorder Support Group. There, I received vastly differing suggestions and a lot of good advice such as the previous poster suggested about writing letters to the parts to give him time to digest in privacy without stress. I did write him a series of letters throughout the week. Knowing he had to work daily, I opted not to invite him out until Friday.

After a week, he agreed to go on a walk with me around his favorite lake. He spoke of all the current stresses from work, to home. He wasn't his happy go lucky self, seemed quite in pieces, a bit neurotic, and even sad. I had never seen him sad before. I listened to him patiently without pressure. I did not bring up the incident unless he chose to speak about it. Long story short, we went home together. It wasn't completely the same, it seemed as though we were both maybe knew each other from years ago and were remeeting but over the course of the weekend we were able to grow closer. He is definitely not the same, but I love him and all his parts and am so glad he chose to continue to trust me after the shut out by showing me a little bit more of him.

Thank you all so much for your advice. He is very dear to me and worth all the patience in the world as long as I am strong and healthy as well.

Rylixiou wrote:I just wanted to follow up for those interested and for others that might be in a similar situation looking for support. Disheartened by what I was reading here about the relationship being over, and refusing to give up, I joined *mod edit* Dissociative Identity Disorder Support Group. There, I received vastly differing suggestions and a lot of good advice such as the previous poster suggested about writing letters to the parts to give him time to digest in privacy without stress. I did write him a series of letters throughout the week. Knowing he had to work daily, I opted not to invite him out until Friday.

After a week, he agreed to go on a walk with me around his favorite lake. He spoke of all the current stresses from work, to home. He wasn't his happy go lucky self, seemed quite in pieces, a bit neurotic, and even sad. I had never seen him sad before. I listened to him patiently without pressure. I did not bring up the incident unless he chose to speak about it. Long story short, we went home together. It wasn't completely the same, it seemed as though we were both maybe knew each other from years ago and were remeeting but over the course of the weekend we were able to grow closer. He is definitely not the same, but I love him and all his parts and am so glad he chose to continue to trust me after the shut out by showing me a little bit more of him.

Thank you all so much for your advice. He is very dear to me and worth all the patience in the world as long as I am strong and healthy as well.

That's really really nice to read. He's lucky to have you.