Defining support

I have a really hard time with this concept. Have since the start of therapy six years ago and stumble on it every time it comes up. Now it has changed again with DID dx. I know this is a very broad area. It could apply to therapy, friends, loved ones, or on-line.

I am told I have all the answers to all this stuff in me. I agree to some degree. Then I start asking myself "then why do I need support?" Then I hear the statement, "everyone needs support". Maybe it is black or white thinking but I have some type of mental struggle with this. Maybe not even me but someone or someones in me.

Then I come back to the conclusion I just don't understand the concept very well. Maybe there is some form of denial around this topic for me. Not that I have a bunch as in hardly any past experience to pull on.

What does support look like for your systems?

I think it's probably different for everyone, like what kind of support they need.

For us, I think the biggest thing we need, is to talk things out and have someone listen and respond? And even with that there's like, different kinds too.

Like we do this with our T. We talk and she listens and responds, she suggests things to try, or suggests other angles or things. But its our T so it's like, we're not friends or whatever, we never feel its anything other than a transactional thing?

And we do it with our friends, on the phone or in person sometimes. We tell them our problems, they tell us their problems, we comiserate together and sometimes have suggestions for them and they have suggestions for us. They don't have DID or whatever so they don't always understand and don't always 'get' it, but they're sympathetic.

Sometimes that's enough right? Just for someone to be like, "well damn that sounds sucky but I hope you'll be ok" or whatever.

And we get it here too. We post on our journey thread and in other places, and all our great friends here respond, and vice versa, when we feel like we have something useful to contribute and have the spoons and all, then we try to help and support people here.

And all this... came into focus really fast for me when I read your question because the one place we don't get it, is from our family. We tried. But they do not give support, they only demand it. So... its easy for us to know what support is for us, cos we know what it feels like when it's outright refused.

V2

I struggle understanding support too. Fourteen is the one who knows what it is, or what it could be, but he never gets it and he's scared of it, because getting it a bit means always also losing it and new abandonment. I don't have those kind of issues.

I don't feel connection with T. I know some people have big reactions when T can't see them for some reason (holiday, T being sick etc.) but I don't feel anything about it. I deal with it adult ways. I wanna go to therapy, because that's how we get better, but I would want to feel how it feels to need someone. Even become dependent for a while before learning limits. That's what I miss, and that's what I hope to happen, but it doesn't. I just don't have it in me.

I have noticed that sometimes when I get to talk with my sister about T stuff, I like it, and I'd want to do it more. Maybe that is some kind of progress.

Greatest support to me is Sami at the moment, and he hasn't really even showed up so much lately, but I know he still is there and will be. He can help me with things I can't do on my own and we are a team. That definitely is progress. Working as a system is a goal and we are reaching towards it.

It's still different thing from relationships with outside people. Maybe I am just so introverted that I really don't need others like that.

the most obvious to me is who can you turn to help in an emergency?

that would be a very basic, basic type of support.

but then there's a bunch of grey area. and I think if you don't have clearly defined needs and boundaries then you won't know what support looks like for you.

do you know your love language? as in your love currency: touch, talking, gifts, affirmation, acts of service. whatever they all are..... point being support is different for people with different needs. ie- my kid needs to be touched to feel loved. she needs an insane amount of hugs, snuggles and other kinds of touch to FEEL loved. support for her includes hugs and cuddles.

I'm am acts of service gal. support for me is NOT some asshole who talks and touches all the time. I want somebody to take out the trash, unload the dishwasher, run an errand. I ######6 love that $#%^. people who HELP me, support me.

the other concept that I think holds merit is just that evolutionary wise we are ######6 tribal. we are meant to have a troop or family group or tribe of some kind. we developed to live with and around others. so being close enough to have help with grooming. sharing food. talking about experiences. being able to vent. the $#%^ all humans do with people they are close to.

1. do you have a safety net for when SHTF?

2. do you understand your love language and your needs? (needs and boundaries are BFFs).

3. do you have a tribe? do you have someone to "scratch your back" or look at that weird spot on your scalp you can't see? for physical support. do you have somebody you can open up to? for emotional support. do you want or have a spiritual community if that's a need for you?

and then is your environment supportive? is it safe. quiet. private. whatever you need. the space your in matters too. I think it's just such a broad, broad topic. it's easy to get confused.

support is the opposite of doing everything alone. its nets and ropes and friends and allies.

Thanks V2, Floralie, and BeccaBees for sharing your experiences with support.

Until last year I was always the one to support for fear of something bad happening from bio family. I walked away from them to save us. In the process I walked away from all other support outside of partner and T. As everyone else was in relation with those people, and we can't heal with them in our life.

I quit working as it became to much at that point and have had the gift of being able to focus on healing. The whole first year after was spent on trying to feel safe in the world and knowing it is possible. This is much easier for me on a physical level to embrace.

During the time of escaping those people my T held a huge space for us. We were able to text her daily, call if needed, she had recorded a safe place we developed with her to listen to each night at bedtime, and she sent a goodnight hug to us (who she thought was just our inner child at that point, which has turned out to be a couple different Littles). This allowed her to get in touch with our disorganized attachment style - which I am still learning what that means.

Then she went on vacation in December this last year and changed the guidelines for her availability to us. She said it was because it is important to learn boundaries. This was something that we never had prior in our life. Ours were like walls or something and not what healthy boundaries look like. I finally figured out a easier way to figure out boundaries are, when she told me it is basically just asking what is okay in my life and what is not. It was less "big" to me.

As far as needs we never were allowed to have needs. Needs meant neglect. Needs meant being able to be hurt. Needs were for other people. Yet, that has been another thing T has tried to show us everyone is entitled to. Or even more it is just a natural part of life. I asks us first thing in sessions with her what is our need for that day. Sometimes I can figure it out, but mostly I still struggle to name it along with my feelings and where they are being held in the body.

I like the idea of a love language. Never heard anything like it before, but it is hopeful.

I do feel support from all of you and am grateful.

The struggle with me with support I think is, some of us feel it makes us needy - too vulnerable. Then there are parts perhaps that buy into it makes us weak. I don't think when I sit in the moment as an adult either of those are true. I do know as you said V2 the feeling of no support and I do know the warm feeling of real support.

Have you googled what disorganized attachment style means? There are lot of stories from magazines and such about them, and reading them will give you a picture of what it means. I haven't found any truly valid site that tells about them, so when we were finding out our attachment styles, we read what was there and read it with understanding that it's not actually scientific. If someone knows a reliable source, please do share it.

I have avoidant attachment style and most things that are said about it is true. Things my mom remembers about me as a kid is a straight description, turning away from support and not seeking for it when hurt, not having straight contact with caregivers but still staying very close to them. As an adult avoidant style is told to be easily unfaithful, to avoid the commitment and emotional closeness with a partner, but I don't get even that far. I can't even date, because knowing someone is interested in me just by wanting to get to know me already feels demanding and clingy to me and I just can't. Having friends feels demanding. So I'm like avoidant style x 1 000.

It happens, because very early I didn't have a caregiver there for me, so I learned very early not to show any emotion and not seek for support in others. There are other signs of that too, or it can be just dissociative, like that the need to eat and hunger has nothing to do with each other in my life. Neither has being tired and falling in sleep etc.

Understanding that about myself and that it's something to fix in me has helped to understand my own reactions, so I hope you can feel the same when reading about your style. Avoidant style is formed when child is neglected and disorganized when child is abused by the caretaker, so their source of all good things is also source of all bad things. In neglect, caregiver just doesn't respond. Fourteen has disorganized style like you do, he is pulling and pushing at the same time, wanting close, and then getting overwhelmed by it, or being ready to form a relationship with abusive people. He lacks boundaries, and he lacks them so badly and disorganized ways, he can even cross the boundaries of Sami, our defender, whose boundaries are made of titanium. I guess everyone has their soft spot, and Sami's soft spot is Fourteen.

Here's one link for you: https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

Thank you for the link and sharing your and Fourteen's experience.

This is a great topic with a lot to think about.

One way I would describe support is simple acceptance... not hostility and/or rejection. Sometimes just accepting how we exist is the most critical support we can get... to just feel alright as we are.

Zor wrote:One way I would describe support is simple acceptance... not hostility and/or rejection. Sometimes just accepting how we exist is the most critical support we can get... to just feel alright as we are.

Yes, Zor. We agree completely.

Charity and others

Thanks Zor and MakersDozen. I am really struggling with acceptance in general right now - this is a good thing for me to think on.