Child alters: How do I interact with them?

Before I kick off with my post, I'll clarify that I'm not the one with DID. This is so I can help my girlfriend, which has been going ok since her diagnosis up to this point, but last night something new happened and I'd like to seek some advice on helping her.

My girlfriend has 7 alters (that are known). Two adult protectors, two other adults and three young child alters (we think 4, 5 and 7). For a long time the former four were the only ones that got time out (protectors in stressful/triggering contexts and the other two it varies a lot). With the children existing interally only.

Last night, the middle of the younger alters got out, which the rest of the system found confusing and worrying. My question is: How should loved ones approach child alters if/when they get time in the body? In terms of communicating and doing things with her, I was very much making it up as I went along because it had never happened before. Main dot points:

-Best ways to diffuse negative emotions in child alters? (Obviously terrified. First time in the body, didnt really know me that well, mentioned being scared of the abuser even though they are long out of the picture)
-What are some good activities to do with them once I can form trust?
-The obvious body questions... 5 year old alter but 24 year old body, naturally questions were raised

I'd appreciate advice both from people who have child alters and anyone who has interacted with a child alter in a loved one.

Thanks!

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Often, posts by folks that are partners of people with mental health issues, are shunted to the Significant Others forum.

But I thought this was a really well thought out post, and I thought it would be all right, to remain in here.

She's fortunate to have someone so understanding and wanting to do whatever they can, to help the members of her system feel safe. I'm not DID, myself (OSDD, perhaps, but not DID), so I have no relevant answers to give. Just wearing my mod hat.

I'm not in the headspace to give elaborate answers to the questions (although they are good questions), but every little bit helps, so here some activities to do with littles:
- ask them what they would like to do
- ask the big parts what they want you to do with the little parts/how they want you to respond to them

- drawing
- playing a boardgame
- doing a puzzle
- watching a kid-friendly show (possibly screened for triggers, so it's not too upsetting)
- going for a walk

(Anything you would do with a regular kid that age).

Would also recommend watching this, and letting the older parts of your wife watch this, so they can decide whether it's a good idea to show this to their littles:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfesJjVLL2g

Hi adjz,

So we have a half dozen or so littles in our system, but only a couple who front much. And no SO so we can't really help with that angle on things?

adjz wrote:-What are some good activities to do with them once I can form trust?

This is the only one I feel like we can give some good ideas for.

First, even if the littles don't come out much, you can try finding out what they like, or what they're interested in, by asking the others.

Some basics to start with would be like, colouring books, crayons, even just paper they can draw on and stuff. If you can find out what sort of stuff they like you canget them colouring books that they'll like. Like, characters or themes or whatever that interests them.

Another thing is stuffies, or dolls. Like we've got a growing collection of stuffies here lol. Even for littles who don't front, it can be nice for them to know they have something here that's theirs and noone elses, and little stuffy is good for that (assuming they like it).

You can try finding out if there's some cartoons or stuff they like? We have a couple who like My Little Pony, and some disney movies and stuff. Another here is into lego so when he's out he likes to build lego sets.

I'm sure you'll get answers from other folks with more experience from a SO perspective.

V2

adjz wrote:-Best ways to diffuse negative emotions in child alters? (Obviously terrified. First time in the body, didnt really know me that well, mentioned being scared of the abuser even though they are long out of the picture)

Welcome them, be happy about the fact they are there, are happy to get to meet them. It may sound weird, when a child is terrified, but that works in our system. Our inner caretaking manager is very good with scared people, and angry people and what ever overwhelming emotion anyone has. The thing behind what he does is that it's an adult's job to set the mood for the situation, EVERY SITUATION, not the little or teen one's, or the aggressive one's etc. The one who sets the mood, is the one in control of the situation. Little's can't take that responsibility, they just feel like they feel. I have observed this, and found it to be very true. I use it all the time with difficult people and in customer service, and it works. (You of course have to think what is the right mood, if someone is crying or scared, you can be happy the wrong way about wrong things, or you can be it that way that tells them you are strong enough to deal with their emotion and be emphatic without getting overwhelmed. That's when you can help someone. Be happy about the fact you get to meet them, they are precious and your job is care about them.) You need to be considerate of course, you don't start happy bouncing, but smile friendly way and say welcome. Keep your voice steady, but light, like you know exactly what you are doing and all is good, even if you wouldn't know anything about anything. It makes overall situation lighter and easier, you take the responsibility, your behavior tells there's no danger.

Tell them who you are, like to a child that is not your SO. So you tell your name and you tell where they are now. Tell them they live in here now, and abuser can't get in there.

Stay very predictable and calm. No sudden movements, if you move, tell it beforehand and tell why, tell what you are going to do. Don't stare at them, if they are too scared to look at you, don't look straightly at them at all, but be rather sideways than face to face. If they stare at you scared, also being sideways is good, and don't stare, but when you talk, make couple seconds eye contacts naturally when you talk, so they can see your expression. Pay attention to your expression, to your voice and to your body position. Try to be relaxed, don't speak monotonically because it's a sign of tension, also high pitch is a sign of tension, but don't lower your voice either. Pay attention to yourself when you are in some normal everyday interaction with anyone, and get aware of the natural, flowing way to speak and move and be. Majority of the communication happens non-verbally, so DO pay attention to yourself.

Make sure all is OK with them. Ask questions if they can answer. Do they want to have something to eat or drink. Ask it like from a child, are they hungry? Do they want a treat? Are they thirsty? Do they want milk or juice? If they are scared of you, don't touch them, and tell them you won't touch them. You can give a blanket and if they like, wrap it around them tightly that feels like a hug, it may feel safe. If they don't want you to get close to them, don't do that. Ask them if they want a blanket. Give them a toy, if you have any. If you don't, give a pillow if they wanna hug something. Ask are they comfortable where they are now, or if they want to go to a .. well what ever you have. If there's sexual abuse in their past, a bed can be triggering place to be, and so can any random place be triggering, so let them choose where they are. If they want to hide under a table, let them.

Say it aloud multiple times as you speak, that they live in here now, and it's safe. If they stay for a longer than few minutes, you can just BE with them, not doing anything. Tell you are here, so if they need anything, they can just ask. You are there to make sure they are OK, that's why you don't leave them alone, you are there to make sure they're safe. If being silent feels awkward, read books to them. It's also one way to maybe lure them closer if they wanna stay very far from you, but maybe not the first time when they are out. It depends if they get more relaxed. Staying very far all the time is a problem to solve, because depending on their age, they may need your physical help to anything. Start reading a story that has pictures in it. Show them the pictures from where you are. Some pics may be hard to see from far away, so you can ask if you can come to show it to them, or if they wanna come peek at it. Then do that, and go back where you were. Read more, and do same with another picture. If they are frozen scared, that's too much, and in any case, don't make any goals how fast to do anything. They decide their readiness to everything. Maybe show them pics from far and they don't see them, that's OK. When you read a story, it's easier to use your voice naturally, and they get used to your voice and they get to watch you. You can describe the pictures and be exited about them, it will at some point make them interested to see them.

If they can not answer any questions, bring them something to eat and drink, pillow, toy and a blanket and tell it's for them. They can use it if they want. It may take time. You stay the same, keep up with setting the mood and being predictable.

First thing is to bring safety, talking about hard feelings comes after that. You can say you see they are very scared, but they are safe, and that's enough if they don't start to talk about their feelings right away, but I doubt that. If they say something is wrong with them, like that they are hurting, try to ask if they know what would help that. Do they want a bandage? They don't have to have a cut to use a bandage, one of our parts do every time they get upset and it's an option to them that keeps them from hurting the body. Little's don't usually want to have meds, even painkillers, they may feel scary to them, and it only has placebo effect anyway, if they are hurting the way other parts are not, because it can be dissociation symptom, memory of the pain they experience, not actual damage in their body.

You can try to use their age to your advantage. Smaller they are, more magical thinking they have. You can create a comfy safety place for them and just use your imagination, you can say you create an invisible wall in there and nothing bad can come thru it, and they can go in it and try if it helps. Be exited when they try, tell them where the wall is and they cross in .. right now! And it means they're safe for sure. If magic works for them to feel better any way, later on you can do the same with the whole house, they can choose every place where hurt or scary things can come from, and you create invisible walls all over, so they can safely move around the house. Or sprinkle fairy dust, it can be what ever, as long as they believe it can help.

adjz wrote:-What are some good activities to do with them once I can form trust?

What ever they like, if it's suitable for their age. And what are you good at. Pretend plays are not that easy to adults, but if you can, that's great. You can read books, play games like board games or word games. If they are physically active, you can take time when they run or build a shelter/hut kind of thing with them (all you need is a table and a bedspread and go under it with flashlight). Build different length routes, for example take books or newspapers or what ever you have and place them to floor, and you are allowed only walk on those books or what ever you use, then make it more difficult with making up rules, like this time it's forbidden to step on anything that has red on it. Play hide and seek if that's not scary to them (it can be if they have experiences about trying to hide from abuser). You can do anything, and you can do a lot in the house without it being an iPad or console game or a movie, but those kind of things can be easier to start with, because there's less interaction. But when they are not scared, sky is your limit. Google for plays, use what you enjoy. Try to find interests together and then do that. And what ever they ask about or are interested in. If they are interested in letters or numbers, teach them those. If they like bugs, go out and seek how many different kind you can spot.

adjz wrote:-The obvious body questions... 5 year old alter but 24 year old body, naturally questions were raised

Do you mean that little one was worried about the adult body? You can explain it how it is. That long time ago bad things were done to them, and that's why they needed to hide inside the body. While they were hiding inside, time went by, things changed, body grew up. So that's why they have an adult body now when they come here outside. But it doesn't matter, because you know they are not actually an adult, they just use that body now. You can ask how they REALLY look like, so they know their real appearance is valid to you.

Here's a story for little's about living in a system, called Dear little ones: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfesJjVLL2g

Everything on that book is also for you to learn.

Your job is to respect all parts and their boundaries, and help them work together. Your place is never inside the system, or between two parts, causing confusion or arguments inside the system. The ultimate goal for every system is to be able to be completely independent, and that is something for you to remember also with littles. You need to be nice to them and you play with them, but the goal is to get insiders communicate with each other. So it can be your SO or some other adult or bigger one in the system playing with the little also, without them needing outside guidance. So that's something for you to ask from them later on regularly, when they come out. Are they alone, or can they hear someone else with them too, and if so, who? Long term goal is not for you to be the babysitter, but the system be babysitters for themselves. Don't use it wrong way, it shouldn't feel like punishment, that if they have someone there who can look after them they won't get your attention as well. You can still all play together. If they choose to stay as littles, you'll play together the rest of your life and it's OK. But the goal is that your SO can be alone at home safely, because littles have guidance from inside. And you can help with that, when they learn to communicate. You can ask a little one to go in and get someone big in here too, and then you all will play.

Trigger warning, sexual abuse for the rest of the message:If there's sexual abuse in their background, it's not uncommon for littles to activate when things get sexual. That may have been their role, they were maybe created to be abused so someone else can be safe from that. Be aware of that, and be sensitive, if you realize anything that gives any clues to you that there is a little one there in the moment when they shouldn't, and then you just stop. You are not that safe person to them, if you keep on using them for their trauma or you create them new trauma. So also tell them, that if they know how to, they can always go inside if anything they do not like happens outside. If they can't, or they think it's their job, teach them to tell you every time when they are somewhere close. You can come up with a secret code they use when they are close to body, so you can tell.

If and when they know they live in a system and share a body with other people things get way more easy for them to understand. There are adult things, and those are not good for littles. Never make them feel bad for what they are. Having sexual thoughts or urges is not bad. Their sexuality is not bad. It is bad, if an adult does anything like that with them. And you don't wan to be bad, like some people in their past were. They can masturbate and do other age appropriate things, and that's all fine, there's nothing wrong with that. They can not have sex with you, and it's because you love them so much.

They can also be terrified about anything sexual, and that's why it's important for them to know how to get inside and tell when they are out. And for you to be aware of that possibility, because they can panic and can't express themselves.

Floralie's post is so complete and accurate for our system. There are a couple of Littles that come out with my partner. Each one is very unique in their needs and interests.

My partner makes sure to know first off who is out. If it is a first time out for them they get to direct how everything goes. Yet, as they are acclimating to being out it is really important they hear over and over that the abuse is no longer happening and they are safe now. For us the phrase "good safe" is really important as people ruined the world "safe" in the past.

One of the Littles when they came out would not interact but acted like they really wanted to. It was because my partner was trying to speak to him and he could not hear. Putting out some crayons, some water beads, and stuffed animals helped.

If they are able to speak asking them what their favorite color is, how old they are, do they like animals, what do they like to eat, do they like to play - sing - dance, would they just like to sit in the room with you, and honoring what they say. This will give you keys as to things you can have available to help them feel welcomed to come back.

It has not been long for a couple of the Littles that now come out pretty regularly. When they do not come out my partner will mention missing them.

It is a relationship like any, and it will take time. Remember in many cases much more time with some Littles as they have had a rough go of it.

Touch is the most important thing to be aware. Sometimes a Little comes out crying and my partner wants to hold it and make it feel better. That is the last thing that Little may want so it is important to ask - always ask - before any form of touch. It may be fine and then you can comfort with a hug, otherwise it may feel comforting just to sit. One of our Littles just likes to sit across the table and touch our partners arm if they are very still for reassurance.

Do all things in love and compassion and it will be okay.

I pushed edit because I thought of one more thing: be careful at first with any kind of media. Atleast,ask a Little before taking a picture or video taping. It may be fine, but if not it can cause some unwanted stress.

Hbodhi, how are you? What are water beads?

Oh, just realized fireheart already gave the link to Dear little ones. My answer was super long, so it took some time to type, and for some reason when I posted it, I only saw ViolexFlux's post as new one, but not firehearts.

First start off being respectful and kind. I think you already are from what you’ve said, but it’s important enough to say again.

Introduce yourself, let them know that the perp is gone and that you are a good person and will protect them. (This will take time for them to build trust.) Offer hugs, but understand they may be afraid of you. 4 y/o Lou wanted hugs real bad, but was afraid because I was a man. For a LONG time we would just touch one fingertip together so she could feel a little comfort without threat. Again, it takes time to build trust.

Lou wasn’t allowed to ask for or have things. Instead I offered her things to see what she might like and told her she could borrow them. Coloring pages, treats, books, games, blocks, etc. A stuffie (stuffed animal) is also a good thought.

I treat Lou like a 4 y/o child. If Lou comes out while SF and I are having adult time, we stop. I make sure to check with SF before changing clothes so the littles know to wait to come out. Lou still sees herself as small and will get a chair to reach something the body can easily reach. She now also sees herself wearing pink pajamas at night even if the body isn’t.

Best answer is to roll with it. The attempts will be noticed and appreciated even if they would rather do something else. Each will have their own personality and needs.

Lastly, you providing some comfort and positive experiences can help with healing. However, you are not her T and should not try to be. (Not accusing, just another important thing that should be said.)

You may want to see a T yourself. SF’s T has an open line of communication with me which helps. Perhaps your GF’s T would do the same?

water beads are awesome - all our Littles so far love them and they will interact with them.

http://parentingchaos.com/play-water-beads/

You can order on Amazon.