Things to do with T

Now that Fourteen is feeling better again, we try to help him again with his problems. He came once to T already, and he thought about things he could say. It was just few simple things, that he's feeling better now and something little like that, he didn't have anything specific to share. But when we were at T's office, he became too nervous. He said he's feeling better and that he's nervous, but he couldn't really stay to have a small discussion he was planning to. So he went on the background again (switched into a little first, I'm not sure why, and he doesn't know either, it can be that little one wanted to come because he remembered something (toy he hid in T's office before) or maybe it was unintentional and happened because Fourteen couldn't stay, and the little one just happened to be the closest one at the moment he needed to leave). When little went away too, I though they both were gone, but then I felt Fourteen there again. He didn't want to talk more, but he stayed there listening. I felt like I had nothing to say either, because we kind of mixed up a bit maybe. We talked about how Fourteen could come to see T and feel less nervous about it.

The thing is, he has plenty of problems he needs help with, but he can't really articulate them just like that. If you'd ask him what problems he has, he wouldn't know what to say. From his point of view it's just that he feels bad. Most of his problems are his core beliefs about himself and the world, and he believes in them, and although he suffers because of them, he can't really name them as problems. That's what he needs help with, but it's not something he can think himself and start talking about it with T. Because it's normal to him. If he'd understand his beliefs are traumatic and not true, they wouldn't be as big problem. So he wants and needs help, but can't explain why. He doesn't trust to adults really at all either, and before he could talk that way with T that his problems would come up from the ways he thinks and reacts, he needs to have some kind of relationship with her first. He doesn't trust, or understand his problems as problems well enough, to come and start to talk about them. He's just fourteen in the end, and he may be intelligent but he still sees the world like a fourteen year old.

Now our goal is to make him feel relaxed enough to spend some time with T. He stresses easily about needing to talk, because of the wrong voice, and he doesn't really have anything to say, so it would need to be something that makes talking feel more natural. He needs to get to know T too, so we try to come up with ideas what they could do together, that would feel natural way to just spend time, when they can talk, but it's OK to be silent as well. T suggested listening to music, and Fourteen agreed, at least it would feel more natural to be there if there were music, like maybe just a radio open, so it wouldn't feel awkward to be silent. T suggested drawing as well, but Fourteen didn't want to. It felt too personal. And I don't know if he can draw that easily there, because he struggles to get to the body and feel natural about it. He would need to draw thru me I think, and my hands are not steady like his. I think he's scared of failing. It would need to be something that leaves enough room for him to find himself into the body again and again when needed, but still distracting enough it wouldn't be the only thing he's thinking about.

He suggested maybe playing a game of some kind, like a board game maybe, but T doesn't have any, and I don't either. And that game would need to be easy enough, so he doesn't need to concentrate on it too much or remember things and be strategic all the time either.

Do you have any ideas what they could do? Have you had same problem with parts wanting to come to see T, but who doesn't really know how? Or do they get triggered out naturally when you talk about something they know about? Do littles or teens from the system do something like that just to share time together with your T, and if they do, what is it? Any teens come up with anything you'd like to do?

Can you maybe go for a walk with your t? I have a part like you fourteen and she also doenst know how to talk to 't except trough e mail, maybe thats a possibility too?
For me, when a little comes out after or during my part is when the littles get upset because they feel unsafe for not knowing what te other part is going to tell the t. The littles get nervous because they think t will be angry at them.

When considering the idea of games, we love Uno. It's inexpensive, easy to carry with you, my outside teenagers love it, and doesn't it require a whole lot of thought, but creates some distraction from the conversation. It's actually simple and fun enough that it bridges the gap between a variety of ages.

That's just what your post brought to mind.

KK

Similar to KK's response, we immediately thought of a deck of cards. You can play a lot of games with a deck of cards, just sort the cards by category, or even build card houses with them. Play dough or some other non-setting clay might be nice too, because it allows some artistic expression without it necessarily having to be as personal and certainly without it being permanent. A coloring book would allow for engaging the body without the on-paper output being personal, and at least in the US they have been very popular with teens and adults and so they're pretty easy to find here.

-Sev3

Hi,

I am curious if fourteen has been to t and if he tried any of the advices mentioned here. I have a teenage part aswell Who is very releuctant to go to t because of major trust issues.

Allcoulors wrote:Hi,

I am curious if fourteen has been to t and if he tried any of the advices mentioned here. I have a teenage part aswell Who is very releuctant to go to t because of major trust issues.

He hasn't been in therapy since I wrote, so we don't have any answers yet. I'll tell when he comes. We have a T day tomorrow (today actually, it's past midnight) and I've been listening to his music for about a week now, so he's close somewhere. A day from this we'll know if he wanted to come this time.

It seems to be very hard for him to come, it takes so much energy. After he has visited T, he has just slept and slept for days after that, and our body sleeps too. It takes plenty of time to recover even from sayin hello, so he needs breaks.

I hope it goes well for all of you with t tomorrow. I can relate to the sleepeness and exaustion after. That makes it extra hard for us to. If you dont want to write after its ok to!

He didn't come then, or this time either. He did think about it on our way, and he knows what he wants to do. But it's the same problem with what he wants to do than with regular talking, he needs to talk.

He wants to play asking questions. He asks a question from T and T answers and then T asks a question from him and he answers. You can ask anything and all questions includes also a question why. You don't have to answer, but also then tell why.

I think it's a good idea to build trust and to get to know where boundaries are and why, for both of them. It's also a thing about trust, so T can also fail. So he gets to test her. We haven't tell this to T yet, he will when he is ready to come.

The problem is that the part of him that wants to, is too nervous for this too. But maybe he can play questions with a lot of thinking time. Or writing instead of talking. The other host part of his system is not that nervous, but not that interested either. He's more rebellious and doesn't trust anyway. So he doesn't see the point why to try. So that's why we didn't play today, he didn't come today. He was wrong Fourteen, not the one who is trying to come but finds it hard. And we don't make "wrong ones" come when they don't want to.

I like the idea of asking questions in writing very much. I hope it will work for Fourteen in the near future so he can build some trust and a relationship with your t and talk eventually.