Basically blogging -sog

(I also saved this as a blog post, im not sure which one is the correct option)


I want this to serve as my journey log? I could keep this to myself, but i feel like the feedback is much needed.

Previous thread: dissociative-identity/topic203156-150.html


So, what's new with sog?

General: Well, i am no longer in therapy, it became tedious, it seems as though no one I've had so far (as a therapist), wants to talk about the things i really need to talk about. Therapy became very repetitive, so much so, i started trying to find ways out of it, eventually i just stopped going. They seem to only want to talk about anxiety and depression, which wouldn't be an issue if that was what i went for, sure i have my ups and downs with that, but I've been managing quite well on my own, learning better ways to cope etc.
The things i wanted to talk about:
*Auditory hallucinations
*Paranoia - (at the time it wasn't bad, since leaving though it's ruining my life) i have been working on ways to cope with this, but considering how easy it is for me to slip back and forth into my terrified state, and become so delusional and detached from reality, while simultaneously being aware of the fact i'm riling myself up, it's exhausting, and i don't want it to get worse, i know i definitely need help with this)

*"Insiders" - i mentioned previously on an old thread i made, that none of the therapists i had wanted to talk much about this, which really annoys me considering i feel like i really need to figure out what's going on.
I mentioned previously that i feel fake because of my lack of proof, but that i also feel like this is what makes a bit of sense for me, i don't want to self diagnose, so i won't, i doubt i have headmates, but at the same time i don't, and it's confusing.


"Medical" updates in relation to symptoms:
*Headaches - i went back to a doctor i had a while back, they want to look into these headaches considering i have them multiple times a week. Previously the scan i had for them said everything looked fine, my headaches around then weren't as frequent as they are now.
(But more info on headaches)
They sometimes come at random times, normally those are mild, but the ones that are medium and pushing closer to severe, tends to happen when trying to chat inside, reading/ watching something in relation to multiplicity, although sometimes if i'm writing about something (currently this) or if i'm trying to right out some things to help me calm down a bit with stuff mentioned above , which usually ends in a completely different topic, rant on other things, but i think that can be tied to the fact writing can make it a bit easier to spill thoughts.)

I think that's about it on that.

Inside stuff has gotten a bit better, as in everyone for the most part, sounds a lot more clear, and seem to be pretty interested in chatting these days, even if not for long.

My senses have been a little wacky recently, and by that i mainly mean my sense of smell and taste.

For the past two weeks I've been smelling and tasting various foods when none is around or being cooked, so far I've only had someone "inside" address this by saying "I'm eating ___ how is it?", i guess i could just be riling myself up a bit, but i don't know, that hasn't happened to me before.
The smell tends to come around when im eating something, and someone else "inside" happens to also be cooking/eating and i assume want me to smell?

It sounds so fake, i don't know what to do about this, but I'll go with not reacting in a negative way, considering it probably drains them so much to reach out and try to communicate sense i doubt and spiral so much.

Improvements on their part:
When i start spiraling into a panicked state, i can hear someone trying to reason with me, or help me along the way (so far this has happened twice).

Speaking more often, louder, clearer.

All around it seems as though we're(?) Making progress with communication, which helps (?) When it comes to me doubting everything.

Added question: does the doubt spiraling ever go away? Any tips on dealing with it?

If this kind of post doesn't belong here, please tell me to remove it.

Hi Soggycereal,

It's nice to hear from you. I don't know what a blog post is--I have my journey thread on here, and I like having people read it and respond.

I remember that your therapist wasn't very helpful, so it's probably good that you stopped seeing them, but it also sounds like a lot of your symptoms have gotten worse since then. Have you tried to find someone who is an expert in dissociative disorders? That's really the best thing to do. A therapist's JOB is to talk with you about the things that you need to talk about.

Anyway, welcome back.

Thank you for the kind welcome c:

I get worried that I'll clutter the forum, so i thought it was better suited as a post to the blog. I didn't know it was okay to post your journey on the main forum.

I remember that your therapist wasn't very helpful, so it's probably good that you stopped seeing them, but it also sounds like a lot of your symptoms have gotten worse since then. Have you tried to find someone who is an expert in dissociative disorders?

Everyone that I've found are a little too far from me, but since my new(old) doctor is good at finding doctors, clinics , and such I'll ask her if she knows of anyone closer, my only "problem" is that i feel like I'd be lying or something, i think that's more to do with the responses I've had in the past, it makes me really nervous.

Is this what looking inside is like?

The first time this happened to me was some time around the beginning of 2018, it didn't last nearly as long, it was in a "first person view" on a beach, i could feel the warmth of the sun, and then i couldn't see anything anymore.

This time it was like i was an object, or looking through the lense of a camera, basically it looked like one of those 360° videos, i didnt see much, a bunch of flowers, a really nice looking dining room, all i was able to see is someone setting the table, a bunch of flowers sitting in a vase, and then as i watched longer they started to grow and wilt, then fall and more would grow, after a while a hand moved the "camera" back to lay down a piece of lace around the vase, then all i could see was flowers, red, purple, pink, white, until it all started to swirl and then it was over. That happened earlier today, around 2pm. I've tried to get it to happen after the beach one, but i figured i was just sleepy and daydreaming, i interrupted the beach scene when my eyes came open, and i couldn't get back to it, so this time i put my hand over my eyelids to keep them closed and that's what i was able to see.

Afterwards i asked if it was okay to make a post talking about it, and thanked whoever let me see in if that's what was happening.

So my question is, is this what looking inside is like, or?