Grounded in the Present ..... Journey Thread

Between solstice and T leaving for the next week and a half we are struggling. Struggling to check in with ourselves, struggling to post here, struggling with big feelings in the body but no real thoughts to go with them (not sure who it may be), and once again struggling to simply stay grounded.

There has been a lot of lost time. A good thing that has come from that is our middle is drawing a little of the inside world to help orient me. There do not seem to be any buildings but beautiful scenery on half and more sparse on another part.

I am finding when I am more vulnerable seems to be when alters make journal entries, and the words are more shaming/accusatory. Does this happen to you guys? Maybe, it is just because I do not understand this particular alter yet, but I am still trying and will continue.

When I sit with the feeling maybe it is a little depression. I am reading here even when not commenting.

************* Trigger Warning for just a mind dump ***********************



I wish I had a different coping mechanism then DID. I wish I didn't have to choose myself/us over my family. That I'd of had people to help raise me who weren't simply there to be a egg and sperm donor and not care. I wish I never was hurt by people who should have loved me. I wish it would all go away. I wish I was still in denial some days. I wish I didn't feel like it is such a lonely road.

When someone tells me they think their heads are so boring compared to ours, I want to tell them I will trade them. When they tell me I must be happy to have a dx, I want to be, but some days I'm just not.

I don't want to feel like a failure with the DID: Like sitting in T's office last week and she is wanting to check in with a Little that would have a hard time while she was gone. She asked me if that was okay and if they wanted to talk, I didn't know how to let her know or where the Little was except for her feelings mixed with mine.

Yes, I want to be able to not have to figure out (so hard) things that most people take for granted in a day. I do not want to read into things what people mean when they say one thing and do another. I want to learn to be able to communicate better inside and externally too. I want to be able to pull the strengths from all of us and put them together and thrive in life. Yet, most days right now I am just so scared. I do get that this paragraph is part of why we are going to therapy - to gain some of what was lost or split or whatever it is.

I am trying to accept and not deny. I am trying to offer compassion. I am trying to understand why things are the way they are. I am trying to be open. I am being told how brave I am - I wish I felt it.

I'm sure part of this is T was going to let us come early next week after her trauma classes. Today she emailed us she can't see us then. A huge reaction - so she has taught me it is a trauma reaction - but I don't understand it or where it is coming from.

The session before she left we couldn't even participate as the feelings were too big. She tried, she tried with the Little I was mentioning above, and the more she tried the more we shut her out.


***************************** End Trigger Warning **********************************



There has been less lost time today, less disruptive journal entries yesterday and today, and everything is really okay in the moment. It just doesn't feel like it.

hbodhi wrote:I'm sure part of this is T was going to let us come early next week after her trauma classes. Today she emailed us she can't see us then. A huge reaction - so she has taught me it is a trauma reaction - but I don't understand it or where it is coming from.

Well, we don't call reactions like that "trauma reactions." I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but to me it implies some kind of invalidation that upsets a lot of us to think about. It is a normal reaction, in the present, of parts who have been traumatized in the past, to an actual breach of trust.

I hope your T apologized profusely for having to do that and gave a legitimate explanation (that might still be unacceptable to some parts and they might still need to express a lot of anger about it). My T would NEVER do something like that--make a promise and then break it. You were already having a hard time with the length of time between sessions--and then she gave you a hope that it wouldn't be as long, and THEN unexpectedly dashed that hope?

I'm sorry if this is harsh--one of my protectors is contributing to it. But this is what therapy for DID is all about--a T proving over and over that they are honest, consistent, genuine, caring, won't purposely do anything to hurt you, and will apologize and take responsibility if they do something that inadvertently hurts you.

I hope you can work this out with your T without having to invalidate the intensity and importance of your feelings.

I appreciate your response Gang, thank you. It does help validate the very big feelings from many of us.

T's email was quite short and said, she is unable to find the time Monday like she hoped. It was followed by "Sorry about that!" Then that, she will see me at the time we originally planned.

I wish she would not have said she had anything open without actually knowing. It did make the early week easier knowing we would see her sooner. Then it felt like she just said it so it would be easier and she would mop it up later. I do believe like you said it is a breach of trust.

I will try to put something together in writing to share with her when she gets back. I know for us it is really hard to talk when there is so much emotion going on. I do not want to invalidate our feelings. I always go to I must have done something wrong or she is teaching me something and it just feels more damaging.

Last time she went out of town for two weeks we had begun to work on boundaries. Before that she was very open to communication of any type at anytime. When she got back it was to be once a week to text her outside session was fine. She came back and said that wasn't was the text was suppose to mean even though that is what it said. I and others felt at that time extreme pain and confusion, but she was back then to work it out. When I did bring it up at one point she said we had to do that our first year of individual to build trust and she knew I wouldn't trust her without the extra support. That stung as it made me and others feel she only did it to lure us in. Maybe something to talk to her as well. I'd rather not of heard why in that case as before that I put it up to she genuinely cared. I do think she does but it put a question in it for us which hurt.

I am going to go see my partners T today for extra support so we don't spiral so much with all this, I saw her as backup last time my T was gone two weeks. I am really going to try to talk this out some with her. She is close to my T but I will ask her right away to not share and let me fill in my T so I can talk more openly about this to her. As I type this I am feeling major resistance from other parts.

When I told my partner about all this last night they said they had been looking for someone more versed in DID for us. Parts of me love/respect this T very much and want to work with her. They are our trauma holders I think from what I know. I want them to and I just don't want to have to go to a new T and start over.

One of the protectors is right here saying, "no one speaks to T until you figure this out more."

hbodhi wrote:Last time she went out of town for two weeks we had begun to work on boundaries. Before that she was very open to communication of any type at anytime. When she got back it was to be once a week to text her outside session was fine. She came back and said that wasn't was the text was suppose to mean even though that is what it said. I and others felt at that time extreme pain and confusion, but she was back then to work it out. When I did bring it up at one point she said we had to do that our first year of individual to build trust and she knew I wouldn't trust her without the extra support. That stung as it made me and others feel she only did it to lure us in. Maybe something to talk to her as well. I'd rather not of heard why in that case as before that I put it up to she genuinely cared. I do think she does but it put a question in it for us which hurt...


...When I told my partner about all this last night they said they had been looking for someone more versed in DID for us. Parts of me love/respect this T very much and want to work with her. They are our trauma holders I think from what I know. I want them to and I just don't want to have to go to a new T and start over.

One of the protectors is right here saying, "no one speaks to T until you figure this out more."

Consistency is one of the most important things for a DID T to have and it doesn't sound like this one is very good with that. It makes no sense that she would be more available for the first year and then pull back--how in the world is that supposed to "build trust"?? I would feel betrayed also, and this recent pull back from promising to see you sooner is probably bringing all of that up again.

Of course parts of you want to hang on no matter what. I think THAT is a trauma reaction from when you were completely dependent on caregivers and didn't have the option of leaving. No one ever wants to have to start over with a new T, but it sounds like your partner has your best interests at heart.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for the compassion Gang and keeping it real.

I have written some things down that have been bothering me with T and have not asked her about. I was always so scared that meant she would leave. Yet, if I'm shutting down because I am that scared that will not help us on this journey to collaboration. The back up T I went to last week asked me to write down which things had changed and present them to my T (since she left in January for two weeks). I think alot of them may be how I reacted to "trauma" in the past or skills I never learned and not sure who of us did. Some are probably due to just becoming aware as well. They are things like:

1. Really trying to not feel in session. (This is always hard in general for me, but I was doing it before she left before)
2. Overall anxiousness and focusing more on not dissociating and missing my session - not because others are fronting because somehow it is like I am blocking them to not come out. I actually think it may be a defender as someone feels co-present at those moments.
3. Feeling the huge pull for her to tell us it will be okay often. (this was normal in the beginning but I was starting to do it for us better)
4. Taking in her hug at the end of session. (I know not all T's do this but she always has. Sometimes it just brings up alot more fear and panic of loss)
5. Finding myself wondering how she wants the session to go when she asks what I want to work on.
6. Being scared since she is not a DID T that we will be too much for her even though she is willing to learn. That is the trauma class she took last week, I believe - I need to ask what kind of trauma class.
7. To tell her how painful her "boundaries" of not talking out of session is for us. To trust that if she says it is okay after how hard this is, just to trust we will contact her when we need to. We hear her give this option to each client as they walk out of her office.
8. Ask her if she thinks this can be repaired and we can move on or what her suggestion may be.

It feels like we are grieving the upcoming changes. If they are all just my reactions to me not knowing how to interact on this level with another person I hope she will walk me through it. I will tell her how important the consistency, structure, and building on our flimsy trust will be in the future. I will come back and let everyone know how it goes. My hardest part will be I always take on the part of "being bad" for someone, as they may think I am over reacting or should have already known how to deal.

Thank you for your reaction (the fill in T helped some with this too) as it shows me that it is not all me and I can have this voice.

-- Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:27 am --

Just a side note: If you are someone who PM'd us and we are not answering it is probably better to write to us here. We are not always comfortable with certain PM's. It is not because we don't want to talk to you it is just we'd rather do it here. You could even start a thread with what you are going through and that way other members could give their thoughts as well. This is not saying we do not PM we just mostly use it to not make a thread go off topic or to send a link or something. Thanks! Or possibly write TW in the pm.

I read my above post to my partner and they said it sounded like one or two Littles helped write it as those are the things they have been basically saying/mostly feeling. Therapy is this afternoon and I am struggling to want to go. I do not know how to bring this stuff up and even talk when I feel so much emotion - I am sure it is blending with Littles, but do not know how to separate well yet when that happens.

Bring your posts with you. I think that's the easiest. Then you can give them to her to read and address each point one by one. Good luck!!

How do I print it? Nevermind, I figured it out, just copy and posted into another document. Thanks.

Appointment with T yesterday went very well. I am so relieved, as I wasn't sure how it would turn out. T came back with lots of new skills and new insights. She reassured and listened to any/all my concerns and really heard what things I feel we may need as a system. There were only feelings of empowerment and support of working with us going forward as a whole team. Not sure what happened in her trauma course last week, that focused on deep complex trauma, but she also seemed much more "herself" with us like she use to before our dx. She told us a little about the course and how she thought about us a lot and brought back some fun ideas for us to try as well.

I am going to try to map our system some, just for a general idea for now. At first I was excited, then really concerned as we don't have great communication yet. This will help I think. I sat with a blank piece of paper for quite some time, next thing I knew there were names on it, I am aware of many but a couple are new. Maybe I will be a good project that will happen with a few different helpers.

Also, my partner met a new altar named Lesa. It seems that music may have caused her to front. She is fourteen (only teen at this point) and was terrified to find out it was no longer 1985. She knows nothing of major electronics except radios and is easily shaken. She wondered where her family was and who my partner was. She was reassured she would be good safe now, that her family was not close by (seemed scared by this versus relieved), and it would all be okay.

I will set out a journal for her to write in and give her a cubby hole for some stuff she may like in the space; we have set up for everyone to have their own little place. Turns out the middle that has been coming out is her brother, but they do not communicate inside. She didn't seem to know of anyone else that is inside except she has heard of Tiger. She was only out a very short time as the changes really seemed to spook her.