Body feeling different

This post is about how alters feel in the body. I am hoping some of you will share how this fee for you.

I had my first disturbing experience of not liking how the body felt.

Mostly my alters are in the body looking out so to speak. They do not alter the feeling of the body. The body feels the same age and gender. Patrick will think "oh f. I'm in a woman's body" (he forgets and then remembers) he doesn't effect the body ie making it feel male, he's a man living inside a woman's body is the best way to describe it when he's in the body so he doesn't cause body disphoria, he knows he's a male alter in a woman's body and he just gets on with it.

Peter is rarely in the body. He'll be there mentally looking out but he rarely takes possession of the body so to speak. When he does the body feels like an athletic Chinese man. Completely not the real body but that's how he makes the body feel when he occasionally takes it over. He has a massage, that's when I noticed his effect on the body.

Mandy is mentally a 4-5 year old girl. But when she takes possession of the body she takes possession of the body as is. She's a 4-5 year old using a fully grown adult woman's body to do whatever she wants. That's how she sees it and how it feels so another alter usually chaparonres her by being kind of floaty but there and she can share the body 50/50 with other alters. Mostly to make sure she doesn't spend too much money on stuff we don't need or thar she doesn't eat too much sweet stuff or impulsively go somewhere like a theme park and get home really late or go off with someone etc etc but if she's not hurting anyone then she does what she likes with the adult body including havi sex. With Mandy it's kind of like a person with special needs where they're mentally younger but by human rights you can't stop them doing adult stuff because her body is adult.

The disturbing experience I had was with the overlord or Mr Brightside. I had thought he's a male alter. He shows himself as male and of various ages from weird 200 year old creature to man in fancy clothes to a reasonably normal looking little boy. That's how he's shown himself to me. He said he can also be female but he's never shown that to me.

The overlord / Mr brightside took possession of the body. As in he wasn't just present mentally looking out and interacting with the world as a part inside a body with a couple of other alters present. He actually took possession of the body. The body felt like 4-5 year old girl. That's how the body felt. It was horrible. It was a really horrible experience. I've not had my body feel like a child's body before. Unless you've experienced your body feeling different I don't think you could understand how weird it feels.

TW SEXUAL AND ABUSIVE

Since I've only had me (Beth) and Mr Brightside present and occasionally the twins I havent wanted my bf near me. I haven't wanted him to touch me, to cuddle me, to even hold my hand. And he's respected that. He's upset about it but he's respected it. I put it down to Mr brightside and am generally clinically depressed so don't have needs of affection or sex. Last night I thought I need to make an effort to be affectionate because obviously it must be horrible for my bf to suddenly have no affection because the others, who are not around and haven't been for a while are affectionate - they all are. Rose is very strokey, she strokes the back of his head, strokes him affectionately while watching TV, Karen is very sexual and Mandy is cuddley and playful, Patrick doesn't care if he's hugging a guy or even holding his arm walking along, he's not sexual but he still likes touch, Peter is touchy. I'm depressed so I wallow in isola generally and I took it Mr brightside was just not wanting the bf near him because he's male - either age 200 or a kid but either way doesn't want the bf touching him.

Anyway I thought how horrible it must be for the bf to suddenly lack affection so when we went out I wore heels which means I hold his arm to steady myself (I'm not great in heels, kare and No-one are but I'm not) so that broke the zero touch that'd happened for the last few weeks. I held his arm to steady myself and I danced a bit with him when out so that touch barrier that'd been there since the others left and Mr Brightside was there had been broken.

I had a couple of drinks, even though someone had felt drunk all day without drinking (probably Patrick because our work colleague was leaving and he likes him and Patrick doesn't cope well with stuff without feeling drunk), I just had a couple of actual real life drinks. And again I felt bad for the bf, there's no alters around who would usually have sex with him and I'm always depressed so I'm not really interested in sex but it doesn't upset me or bother me, I can take it or leave it - usually leave it but I did feel for the bf having also lost all the alters that usually are present and affectionate and who love life. So I got into bed naked.

The bf got into bed. I was naked. We'd been out, I'd broken the no touching barrier and he started to cuddle and stroke me. Then I realised I wasn't in the body, ie not in possession of the body - I hadn't really noticed, I don't care, I'm too miserable most of the time to pay proper attention. But being naked and being touched made me aware that the body felt like a child body. I'm guessing Mr brightside because he's the only one other than the twins who's been properly around and it's not Patrick because I know what Patrick feels like in the body - drunk with mascu body language. Unless I'm age 4-5 in the body and my mind is like a delre 40yr old - that's possible especially as I don't pay attention to the body. I don't think it was me though because the inability to speak came from somewhere else (it felt like Mr Brightside). I kept saying "tell him to stop touching you of you don't like it. He will stop, he's not horrible" but whoever had possession of the body could not or would not speak. It felt like Mr Brightside or his true form or somethings or it was another alter but it felt like Mr Brightside to me. The bf was stroking and touching the more and more aware of how old the body felt I bacame and whoever was in possession wouldn't speak up.

I felt like I was trapped inside my body at age 5 being abused. That's how I felt. I couldn't say anything. The person possessing the body wasn't saying anything externally. Internally they were saying things like "I'm disgusting" and they hated the body, obviously sexual feelings started to happen (I was trapped unable to do anything other than notice what was happening to me) and the alter in possession of the body would say "see I'm disgusting. I'm a disgusting little girl. I'm dirty. I like to feel these things so I'm a disgusting dirty little girl" But I could feel how she felt as well as hear what she was saying and she didn't like the sexual feelings - she was sobbing as she had them and telling herself she's disgusting etc. Externally I was just having sex but internally all this was going on. It was awful. It was awful for the alter who was in the body and it was awful for me because I couldn't do anything about it. I told the bf afterwards but I didn't really want to go right into it and I went to sleep.

How that alter was made me think I must of had alot worse abuse than the abuse that came out in my therapy I had years ago. I did have previously unknown abuse come to light in therapy but it wasn't long term or extensive. It was more short instances with different perpetrators. How this alter felt, what they were saying and they showed me images that I don't really want to elaborate on at the moment makes me think I must of had alot worse and more long term extensive abuse than what I thought was making me consta depressed.

Needed to get this out. It was traumatic and not some i can verbally talk to anyone outside about. Thanks, Beth

I dont know what to say other than I know sex can be really hard sometimes. I am sorry you were abused and had this experience with your bf.

-- Sat May 25, 2019 10:15 am --

I dont know what to say other than I know sex can be really hard sometimes. I am sorry you were abused and had this experience with your bf.

Thanks Dnester.

I talked the overlord/Mr brightside in their true form (a five year old girl) and she told me she was abused. I decided to take her word for it because if it was an outside my head child I would take their word for it so I gave myself the same grace.

I told her it's ok she's saying that and I believe her. It's also ok that she pretends or portreys herself to me as the overlord or Mr Brightside. That imagination is a good thing and she can carry on doing that if she wants to for as long as she likes.

Also I now feel I know why I'm depressed and want to cut myself all the time. Before I thought I'm over the top depressed about nothing and that I was being melodramatic. So it makes sense I wou be depressed and want to cut myself because I (or a part of me wss abused) which parts all add up to me as a whole person so I was abused. I don't feel the disgust the overlord/Mr brights feels because I know disgust belongs with the abuser. I feel the depression and the self harm of it but other alters masked that and stopped me for years.

I feel but I don't know 100% if it's true or real like I have kind of integrated with the overlord / Mr brightside. I feel like we have become one part. The little girl, true image of Mr brightside / the overlord is ok with being Beth too. We kind of fit right together as alters. She's abused and hates herself and I'm depressed and want to cut myself. Outwardly she's verbally insulting in a funny kind of way but that's her using humour to put out the actual hatred she feels towards herself. We need to learn to love ourselves, which I do love myself in a sense that I know being abused doesn't mean your unlovable and disgusting. It means the person who did that doesn't deserve my love and they're disgusting. I think this alter is really taking that on board. We both understand each others perspectives. It's depressing and distressing but the disgust and shame and hatred goes to the abuser. It makes sense of my emotions and she can let go of hers.

Therapy is difficult and I don't think I'm a verbal person about pain and suffering so when things happen, like happened with my bf, it's horrible and I try not to put it on him because he doesn't know what's going on in my head, but it's things like this that help me work through things and realise what's going on with myself.

I'm unable to stop being depressed about it over night and I don't know how I'm going to outwardly deal with what this alter has told me but I at least realise where the feelings are coming from. I suspected but I didn't know.

I also get why the overlord/Mr brightside pretends to be male - it would happen how it happened if I was male. As a child we over simplify things so to a child being male would mean it wouldn't happen but as an adult I know abuse happens to boys also. I think that's letting her let go of pretending or portreying herself as male. I can sort of look after this alter emotionally I feel even though I'm depressed. Helping other people let's me feel a bit good - I can't be happy but others being happy cheers me up a bit. So if I can help her feel a bit better I can feel a bit better too. Like I said though I feel like we've kind of integrated - like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. I think Mandy is the third piece of that puzzle because she is a child but likes sex and loves life so she's like the opposite of both of us. If the three of us combined we'd be the healed version of having experienced childhood abuse I feel. But I know me and the overlord/Mr brightside aren't ready for that yet because we need some grieving time.

Thanks for reading and responding Dnester, it means alot to feel heard, Beth

The twins are saying stuff that's cheering me up. They said this years ago but they're saying it now and it is actually cheering me up. They're saying "it's possible to follow Internet traffic. It's possible to put tempting pop ups on websites. It's also possible to take that code and through an algarythm make it look like to another person that the Internet traffic is an ap game. So as the person is click click clicking on inappropriate ads the game is registering their score which is all linked into their ip address. This score once it reaches a cirtain negative level is sent to a person who checks out the ip address and who at the ip address is following an inappropriate line of Internet traffic. Based on the age of the person and how bad the line of traffic is, ie their score, the information is passed to the police or other agencies or dealt with by the twins own professional unit that deals with this. They have a fund raising activity that funds this area of their business relating to this area they said. It's their favourite activity. Tracking and tracing pedophiles and punishing them or sometimes "helping them" (killing them humanly) at their request. They tell me this when I'm sad. Its all pie in the sky of course but it cheers me up because I like it as a story. It is possible there's avenging angels out there who do this of course, anything is possible and to be fair to the twins they do cheer me up when they tell me this story. It'd be good if this does go on. They said "put the word out this fundraiser is back on" lol If they were "real" people who could actually implement half the stuff they say they do they'd be millionaire evil geniusus who use their evil brains to do good. It's a shame really they're trapped inside my body. They said this particular area of their enterprise is a charity, a not for profit security cartel but operatives are well paid. Anyone interested in working for them should first be able to work out how to contact them. Lol they're such jokers. How can anyone contact them when they're alters inside a body that literally does nothing exciting like this lol. Anyway they cheered me up with their nonsense. Beth (which now includes the overlord as she is fed up hiding behind that name and is happy to be Beth) I think there probably is integration here. Which is good.

No problem. I hope you will call someone or post here if the thoughts of cutting get to bad.

Trigger warning: SA for the whole message.

Mandy is mentally a 4-5 year old girl. But when she takes possession of the body she takes possession of the body as is. She's a 4-5 year old using a fully grown adult woman's body to do whatever she wants. That's how she sees it and how it feels so another alter usually chaparonres her by being kind of floaty but there and she can share the body 50/50 with other alters. Mostly to make sure she doesn't spend too much money on stuff we don't need or thar she doesn't eat too much sweet stuff or impulsively go somewhere like a theme park and get home really late or go off with someone etc etc but if she's not hurting anyone then she does what she likes with the adult body including havi sex. With Mandy it's kind of like a person with special needs where they're mentally younger but by human rights you can't stop them doing adult stuff because her body is adult.

You are like special needs person. You have an adult body, so no one can stop you from eating candy as much as you want or make you sleep or not have sex. Mandy is a child, even if she is an alter. So it's your system's adults' job to take care of her, and stop her from eating that candy, which you do, and stop her from spending money, which you do, but for some reason you use her for your sex, and don't protect her from that. There's no difference with the other rules she has for her own best interest. She's a child and kids can't take responsibility over themselves, and the fact you have adult outside body does not change that. You understand it with the candy, but not with sex, and that tells me something is really off. I know it's trauma, and that's why you think your outside body would be excuse for her sex. It's not. I do not understand how that can be that someone can protect a child from candy but not from adult sex, priorities are way off line there. I'm sorry your sexuality is that disturbed, but it's not an excuse to me.

You don't wanna understand why that is, and we can not safe her from you. And you can rub it on everyone's face how they can not safe her, but you can and have a legal right to treat her like that. But what you do need to do is put a trigger warning about exploiting a little every time you tell she's been sexually used by someone. It may be OK to you, like it is OK to many mom's in this world to let adults have sex with their outside children, but those are things we put trigger warnings in here for people to not get triggered by the fact you can keep doing that to her because of your grown up body.

Floralie wrote:Trigger warning: SA for the whole message.

Mandy is mentally a 4-5 year old girl. But when she takes possession of the body she takes possession of the body as is. She's a 4-5 year old using a fully grown adult woman's body to do whatever she wants. That's how she sees it and how it feels so another alter usually chaparonres her by being kind of floaty but there and she can share the body 50/50 with other alters. Mostly to make sure she doesn't spend too much money on stuff we don't need or thar she doesn't eat too much sweet stuff or impulsively go somewhere like a theme park and get home really late or go off with someone etc etc but if she's not hurting anyone then she does what she likes with the adult body including havi sex. With Mandy it's kind of like a person with special needs where they're mentally younger but by human rights you can't stop them doing adult stuff because her body is adult.

You are like special needs person. You have an adult body, so no one can stop you from eating candy as much as you want or make you sleep or not have sex. Mandy is a child, even if she is an alter. So it's your system's adults' job to take care of her, and stop her from eating that candy, which you do, and stop her from spending money, which you do, but for some reason you use her for your sex, and don't protect her from that. There's no difference with the other rules she has for her own best interest. She's a child and kids can't take responsibility over themselves, and the fact you have adult outside body does not change that. You understand it with the candy, but not with sex, and that tells me something is really off. I know it's trauma, and that's why you think your outside body would be excuse for her sex. It's not. I do not understand how that can be that someone can protect a child from candy but not from adult sex, priorities are way off line there. I'm sorry your sexuality is that disturbed, but it's not an excuse to me.

You don't wanna understand why that is, and we can not safe her from you. And you can rub it on everyone's face how they can not safe her, but you can and have a legal right to treat her like that. But what you do need to do is put a trigger warning about exploiting a little every time you tell she's been sexually used by someone. It may be OK to you, like it is OK to many mom's in this world to let adults have sex with their outside children, but those are things we put trigger warnings in here for people to not get triggered by the fact you can keep doing that to her because of your grown up body.

Yes. I see your point entirely. Sorry. I will put trigger warnings or not talk about it. One or the other.

You're right. It should be something as a system we protect her from. The way I am choosing to see the overlord after finding out she's female and physically feels 5. With Mandy it started long long before I knew about parts or DID. I would see partners as father figures but didn't put the two together. So for Mandy it's "normal" which doesn't make it right. It does need addressing as a system. It's more difficult than candy, it's more like an addiction and also very difficult to make her see its wrong, mostly because none of us want to upset her, we're cowards about it really. The overlord/Mr brightside is different because she doesn't like it, it's traumatic so it's easier to protect her - she wants protecting. Since meeting the overlord / Mr brightside properly I can see how we need to protect Mandy, I genuinely couldn't before because it wasn't hurting her it seemed but it is on some level.

Also I became very aware from speaking to the overlord /Mr brightside that sexual abuse has really really messed her up. She's very twisted and that's why she created the overlord. Even Mr brightside is nasty but does it in a jokey way. I really don't know how to help her. So far I'm going to protect her from anything I can that's disturbing and comfort her. She sees herself as battered and bruised which is probably why I ache so much more than usual lately. As I said before it's pretty much just me and her at the moment with occasionally the twins and very rarely Patrick is there if we feel threatened or don't want to speak he's started speaking for us a bit but he's asking us if we want him to first.

The whole thing with feeling physically younger was very disturbing and it is making me reevaluate Mandy. Before knowing we didn't know but since we knew we made excuses for it and now with Mr brightside/the overlord we can't make excuses any more because regardless of how Mandy sees it the overlord has a truer depiction of it of course.

Obviously alters are made to deal with extremely bad situations. Some of mine seem to have been created not for carrying trauma but for denial. The overlord /Mr brightside has the trauma and Mandy lives in denial that its all ok. The alters that grew up to adults know right and wrong but were kept from knowing about any abuse at all until it was triggered and therapy was necessary because of inability to function at all. Therapy didn't go deep enough probably because at the time I simply wanted to get well enough to function.

But I am at a point because of the overlord /Mr brightside where I have to face that Mandy can't do this and telling her and trying to explain that is going to be awful.

I don't want to say this but I'm going to, why stop opening up now, I just tried to expl it to her and she gave me the finger. She thinks she's like a vampire child which I did not know and she has no regard for morals. She said she'll have whatever she wants. Which when I said earlier "we don't let her buy stuff" it's doesn't really work like that, she wants something and the twins give it to her. If any of the others try to stop them they take over and get her what she wants.

I know you told me a long while ago that my system is very destructive. I didn't really believe you. But I'm starting to see that you're right. It's incredibly destructive. I don't think it's fixable. It's manageable but not fixable. Also I'm starting to think I was much better off not knowing much about it. I wish I hadn't started looking into it. If I didn't have the possibly DID guy I worked with or my bf prodding at me I would of carried on being oblivious. Its not their fault obviously but they're the only reasons I started looking into this. My bf upset Rose who woke the twins up and then the guy at work caused revolving door and then I came here because I was sort of in a crisis. However if those things hadn't of happened when my son came to me for help I probably would of told him everyone feels different sometimes because I would of been in a basic denial. I spoke to my son the other day and he's going to a doctor but I'm not. I really really don't want to go to one because I'm too messed up and I don't see the point but he is going so theres some good that came from all this.

You are traumatized, and that is not your fault. You have looked for help from various places, but not had right kind. It's not your fault either. So what does a person do, when they have too much to deal with, but no help? They cope the way they can. That is exactly what you have been doing and that is what Fourteen in our system did too, before I existed. He was 14 years old, alone trying to cope with a system full of sexually disturbed younger parts, and parts of his age. And he did what he could.

In the end he saw no other choice than to become a prostitute if he grows up. That's when he decided to die. Because he knew healthier parts of him could not live with that, and all would agree with that decision sooner or later anyway. So he decided to remove the problems that will come with it before it begun, and die. Somehow it just wasn't a choice to not become one. It's hard to explain, but there weren't other choices. His traumas are perfect circle that only leads to one place.

He is a part, and that all was in the inner world, so he couldn't die. And I started to be there, and understood how awful I had been, when I had no clue I'm an adult and I should be there for him. That it is not his job to manage his system without help. His system is part of us, and his problems are my problems. But there wasn't a lot I could do before I existed, and I haven't existed that long.

We were in the BDSM-world before we found the world of DID, too. We went for Anastasia when she was "born", and she was fine. But suddenly there were tons of Fourteens, different ages, 12, 11, 9, littles. A lot of boys wanting for Daddy. And there were some older ones, teens, wanting to find their inner animal and go fight with other people with inner animals with no safety words to stop it. There was so many things someone found was for them. And their system doesn't understand "no" either. Wanting to have sex is either OK, and they are allowed to do it all, or it's not OK, and it means they have to be brutally punished because of thinking that. There's nothing between, and that makes things complicated. Thank God we have Sami to balance him out. Otherwise it would be constant choice between letting him be molested or him being brutally self destructive. And then we had Lucas to balance Sami. Because it is not that easy to deal with Fourteen. He has no boundaries, and because we all love him, he managed to break even the strongest boundaries we have. Sami was 15, and didn't know when to say yes and when no either.

And non of that is Fourteen's fault. And now we have an adult managing his inside life too.

It's different for us, because we have a defender who has no flaws what comes to his work outside. We have been safe all these years, we have been in solitude, but that is not a bad thing as long as you have no clue about how to manage your system. So we never actually acted on anything. Fourteen struggles, but his struggles has been inside. But it is a choice we could've made and not understand what are we doing, when I wanted to be treated sexually like a little boy to feel safe. And didn't know it's not me. It's an actual little boy, lot of them, with needs that should not be talked about, that should not be there. So we felt home in BDSM-world, because there were no taboos. I understand better than you think, how and why things like your situation, happens. It's not out of a bad will.

Your system is not the only system in this world who has made wrong decisions before understanding how things really are. It's not uncommon for people with DID to have a history of traumatizing relationships they chose to be in. It starts to be wrong, when you start to realize what are you doing, and even then you can not change all at once. All those times you made wrong decisions, were times you acted on trauma, and that is not your fault any more than it is Mandy's.

We do what we know, and if all we know is trauma, we do trauma. So that's all to blame other people for.

It is a hard concept, to explain a little she is not bad for wanting to have sex, but she still shouldn't have it. We have those same things ahead of us, when we some day can help Fourteen. I can not do it. We need T for that.

I could not have sex at the moment. I could, if it would be for Anastasia. But something normal, I don't have a way to react to it. If our body feels something, it founds the closest boy we have there to have the feeling as theirs. And in the end it tends to be about Fourteen anyway. So we don't have sex outside. It's that simple.

Understanding the truths hurts. It doesn't mean you are doomed and there's no other way. Understanding realities, no matter how cruel, is the point where you can start healing. You can never heal, if there's no realities.

I know I have pushed you. I've done it to help. And I've done it knowing I'm not a T, and if it starts to hurt, I can't be the one to give the support a T can give. But you have talked about going to therapy for DID for real, and I think that's a great idea. When you start having feelings of hopelessness, it's also time to so as soon as possible.

Mandy is not the only one that needs help in your system. We do know that. We wrote the last message about Mandy, because our defender got angry. He does, when there's people without protection that he can not help, because he belongs to another system. So he wants to wake up who ever is there close to them, and he doesn't do it nicely or with understanding. He wants results, not explanations. He's a defender, you know how they are, and that we need them because how they are. It was his feeling but my words, and he reacts when he cares. Now this is my feeling and my words. I don't think I'm better than you, because we never acted on wants and needs you acted on. It was not me being wise. From my point of view it has mostly been too big difference between what we feel we are, and how our body actually is. Our sexually problematic parts are all male. And if I would've been ready to act on anything else than what we were there for originally, for Anastasia get in contact with submissive men, I believe Sami would've stopped it anyway. Maybe he did already, maybe he did stop all submissive men also, because we never acted on anything. He can do that without me never getting to know, so like I said, our defender works flawlessly outside.

I don't have any skills to keep us safe. So don't think I look down to you just because you don't know how to do it either.

You need help. That's all. We do too.

Yesterday I was like "I have to go to therapy. I have to speak to Mandy" Today I feel like "if Mandy was my fully grown woman next door neighbour but had the mental age of a 5 year old I wouldn't be able to walk into her house and stop her sleeping with her husband" I just wouldn't be able to and I wouldn't want to because the woman would ha a right to live her life and so does Mandy even though she's an alter.

This is DID I guess. I'm going to have to keep working on this. Sara or the overlord / Mr brightside doesn't like to be touched so obviously that's clear cut and nobody is touching him/her.

It's like playing mental ping pong with yourself.

Sarandipity wrote:Today I feel like "if Mandy was my fully grown woman next door neighbour but had the mental age of a 5 year old I wouldn't be able to walk into her house and stop her sleeping with her husband" I just wouldn't be able to and I wouldn't want to because the woman would ha a right to live her life and so does Mandy even though she's an alter.

I'm sorry but this is a completely wrong way to think about it. A child alter is completely different from an intellectually disabled adult. We are all horrified by the comparison, and my littles are insulted by it. It's replicating trauma and abuse to not protect and care for a little in a way that's appropriate to the age that they feel themselves to be.

(And by the way, an adult who actually had the mental age of a 5 year old would not be able to function independently any more than an actual 5 year old would be able to manage a job, finances, cooking, driving, shopping, or even remember daily hygiene. Don't you HAVE children? You must know this.)

What Mandy has a right to, and deserves, is to be loved and cared for the way a 5 year old should be, which includes setting limits on all things that are inappropriate. I think you need to look at the motivation of the part that keeps making the comparison of Mandy to an adult with the mental age of a 5 year old. That part wants it to keep being ok for her to have sex, so it might be useful to look at why that's so important to them.