Fight *** Trigger warning***

trigger warning (mention of sexual impulses)****

I have talked about this before. I wont go into details but I have bad sexual impulses. They can be towards anyone. Sometimes when they are really bad and I am fighting not to act I will get in a literal psychical fight with my body. I want to act and I dont want to a my body fights against these two wills. It kind of looks like I am having a fit. It happened the end of last week. The group home administrator lives in the building. She has two dogs and only me and two other people are allowed to visit them. She just doesnt trust people wont hurt them. I love animals. Anybody that knows me will tell you that I am a animal lover and I spent 10 years of my life as vet assistant. I often go into her room and play with the dogs. Sometimes I even snuggle up with them and take a nap. Well this particular day I was watching whatever channel that she had put on and before I knew it the show had mentioned SA
****trigger warning (mention of sexual impulses)****

I have talked about this before. I wont go into details but I have bad sexual impulses. They can be towards anyone. Sometimes when they are really bad and I am fighting not to act I will get in a literal psychical fight with my body. I want to act and I dont want to a my body fights against these two wills. It kind of looks like I am having a fit. It happened the end of last week. The group home administrator lives in the building. She has two dogs and only me and two other people are allowed to visit them. She just doesnt trust people wont hurt them. I love animals. Anybody that knows me will tell you that I am a animal lover and I spent 10 years of my life as vet assistant. I often go into her room and play with the dogs. Sometimes I even snuggle up with them and take a nap. Well this particular day I was watching whatever channel that she had put on and before I knew it the show had mentioned SA and I was triggered and had the impulse to touch the dog. Instead of touching the dog innapropriately I raised my hand above the dog so my hand would be away and then kind of went through some jerking movements in a literal fight with my body not to be bad. This has been going on since I was 7. I just dont know why.

Hi, I don't remember seeing your post about this before. I can see why it's bothering you.

In a Non-DID person you would either want to do sexual stuff to animals or not. You wouldn't have this fight. You'd maybe fight the desire but you wouldn't have a part that wants and a part that does not want so in this case DID is helpful imo.

**TRIGGER WARNING** SA ANIMALS**

When I was in my early teens I read a book by Steven Fry and it was a very strange book that had a teenage boy having sex with a horse. I got turned on. It's the only time that's happened to me and thankfully I was only reading a book.

I don't know why it turned me on. At the time it disturbed me that it turned me on. When I'm masterbating occasionally that or some similar will pop into my head but thank God I haven't had any feelings like that when with an actual animal. I get why you find it disturbing. I find it disturbing and I know mine was caused by reading a weird book when a teenager (so hormonal) and it's words and occasional thoughts popping into my head.

On the up side, even though its disturbing to have these feelings, you have other alter(s) that stop you acting on it.

**END TRIGGER **

Wanted to let you know you're not entirely alone with this and that in some ways it's a good thing to have DID to help deal with these strange feelings. Maybe getting to the route cause would help? Maybe there is really simple route cause like seeing animals having sex with each other when you were a child or you read or saw something similar to how I did. I think so much gets absorbed by alters when you have this condition. It's like every part of your life gets sucked up into one alter or another. With a single minded person they probably would forget these strange thoughts they had as chi or it would be a serious continuous life issue. DID is the torturer and the saviour in this way I find.

Thank you! What would be the difference in impulse control disorder and DID?

I only quickly Googled impulse control disorder, it was what I thought it was, but that's more in ability to control your impulses and you controlled yours. Also its more linked to ASPD which it's possible for parts to have that but again if you wholely had ASPD you would not control this impulse because you wouldn't care to. ASPD people act recklessly with out thought or conscience and mostly other people think "why did they do that" They themselves just do stuff and don't wonder because they act.

You had a battle within yourself rather than impulsively acting. If you had of acted still the battle would not have happened if you had ASPD.

I firmly believe the native American Indian saying that the wolf you feed is the wolf that grows so its important to pick your wolves wisely. America is a great example - it fed selfish, take no prisoners, win at all costs and its like a third world country. There's shanty towns of homeless people, the poor committing crimes and the wealthy segregating themselves more and more. To me America is the most backward country in the world - people marry their animals there and have rights to. So you can feed the selfish depraved wolf or you can feed the part of you that held you back in SA of a dog.

I understand about the wolves analogy. I am just confused. On the other forum I am on they tell me that have conflicting feelings is a normal thing. That everybody has them. Like thinking hey I want coffee then thinking no I dont want coffee it makes me jittery. So I am confused about why this is any different.

Having parts that each feel a different way is DIFFERENT than a singleton having conflicting feelings. It sounds similar, but it isn’t. I don’t know what that other forum is, but it sounds like they are telling you misleading things.

In a singleton it’s a process where all the feelings are known to, felt by, and considered by the one deciding. With parts it isn’t like that. I can really want to see a particular movie and not be conflicted about it at all, but have another part who wants to see a different movie—they are also not conflicted. We have to work it out somehow—maybe it’s a little who agrees to see my movie if we can have popcorn. That’s different than me trying to decide which of two movies I’d rather see and then choosing one.

Each part can have their own conflicting feelings—maybe there are two movies I personally want to see and I have to pick one—that’s a different process, and much easier because all the information is available to me.

Gang is right. Catch me in one moment and I want to see a certain movie, catch me in another and I never want my eyes to see that movie. When there's communication and knowledge of parts on a deeper level then a group decision can be made eg it's the twins turn to watch "the purge" or it's Mandys turn to watch "night at the museum" We share. My partner used to get very annoyed because I'd go on and on about seeing a film, he'd get it and then I'd say "I don't want to watch that, what are you talking about" Two weeks later I'd be asking "why haven't you got me that film? You said you would" He'd get very frustrated when he didn't realise what was going on but now he has more patience and some understanding. It forced me to have more inner communication too because I realised, because he noticed and nobody had every noticed before (they put it down to mind changes in the conventional sense), that I needed more inner communication.

It's not a case of being stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. It's a case of wanting to do both at once and having to prioritise, decide what's fair and what's the best course of action all round.

Thanks guys. Im still a little confused. So if part of me does want to touch the dog for whatever reason ( i am guessing some kind of trauma) but I really dont want to because I would be hurting them. That means its DID? Surely just because you have DID doesnt mean that all your conflicting feelings are DID.

Dnester wrote:Thanks guys. Im still a little confused. So if part of me does want to touch the dog for whatever reason ( i am guessing some kind of trauma) but I really dont want to because I would be hurting them. That means its DID? Surely just because you have DID doesnt mean that all your conflicting feelings are DID.

Are all conflicting fee DID? I'm going to look internally for that answer.

OK. So I'm going to have to use examples of my own system. Karen likes to have one night stands. She likes it. Others do not like it. If Karen were a single minded person she would have an internal battle with her self over whether she is ok to do this. But Karen is not a single minded person. She has to battle other alters to have a one night stand. She has to get someone on side to help her steal time and effectively break out to get a one night stand. So she doesn't have the internal conflict she would have if she was single minded because the conflict she has with other alters is more than enough to battle without having to battle herself.

Same with Patrick liking a drink. They all have things. Some things I went to therapy for help with and others I didn't. Every human on the planet has something that tempts them - even if it's over indulgence in misery (like me, that's my thing, I love to wallow in self pity) so each alter will have a weakness but bec of alters the battle is external with other alters rather than internal with self.

That's how I see it anyway.

Im still so confused. With Thorne I am not confused. She finds disturbing thimgs funny. I do not. She has emotions that feel foreign so I can see where she is an alter. This is me fighting to do an impulse. Obviously part of me wants to or I would not have the impulse( every behavior has reason behind it even if we dont know what) then there is a part that certaintly doesnt want to cause anyone pain. Its like a good/evil battle going on. Even DID people can have conflicting desires like hey I want a cup of up coffee. No I will be jittery. How do you know whats DID and ehats not?