Done

I am so done with life. I don't want DID and I don't want inside parts. They are nice enough and most have had significant healing. The problem is that they have horrid memories of things our dad apparently did to them. I have been in therapy for years and just cannot bring myself to believe my dad did the things they claim. I don't think they are lying, but are somehow just confused. The experience I had with my dad was so incredibly different from theirs. I have talked to my dad about these things and he adamantly denies anything inappropriate. I feel such guilt. My dad has always treated me well. He was my best friend for years and now because of the alters I am unable to have any communication with him at all. I know some who read this will thing I'm an absolute idiot. But if my alters experiences are valid why aren't mine? My children and grandchildren live next to my parents on a farm in another state and now I can't even visit because my insiders freak out, even though they know we are completely safe. I just want to be normal. I don't want parts or the sad things they represent. None of it can be proven. The only proof of trauma in my life is that I have DID. Outside of that everything was fine. Besides haters, is there anyone who can give me a way to move forward? We are co-concious and although I have formed intimate relationships with my insiders, this is something we have been unable to negotiate. If I could really believe my dad did these things I could move forward. But I just can't. I am even beginning to doubt that I am DID. I can keep the others from taking control, although I can't keep their feelings from spilling over into my space. Are there others who have DID that have the ability to stay in control?

I looked back at your other posts, and it's upsetting a number of us that your grandchildren live next to your parents! Do your children know about the years of abuse from your father until you were 13?? Is he ever alone with your grandchildren??

Yes, your experiences are valid, but you don't get to invalidate the experiences of your other parts. Did something happen recently to make your denial spike like this? It's not always at this point, is it?

The proof IS the DID. Whatever happened, whether it's specifically what they remember or something similar, was obviously very traumatic. Is there anyone else who could have been the abuser? If not, then it was your father.

KingdomSysterhood wrote:If I could really believe my dad did these things I could move forward. But I just can't. I am even beginning to doubt that I am DID. I can keep the others from taking control, although I can't keep their feelings from spilling over into my space.

What would happen if you did believe it? I think that's what you have to look at. The loss of the ideal father that you have been able to have BECAUSE the other parts have held all the abuse and trauma for you. That is a gift that THEY gave you, and you can still have the memory of it, but their reality is ALSO TRUE. He was both of those fathers, I guess, the horribly abusive one and the "best friend" who treated you well.

What does your T say about all of this?

Thanks for responding. Yes, my children know of my DID and what my insiders believe about my dad. Because of this my grandchildren are NEVER left alone with him. My daughter's experience with my dad has been the same as mine. I have tried desperately for months to believe my dad did the things my insiders have accused him of, but I have been unable. Those who know my dad have the greatest respect for him. It would be so much easier to believe if he was known to have bad character. It's commonly known that pedophiles don't just miraculously change. Yet no one else seems to have had any similar experience with my father. I wish I could believe, honestly. But it's kind of like other emotions/feelings. You can say you love someone, but you can't really love someone you don't love. You can say you're not afraid of something you're afraid of, but it doesn't make it so. My therapist has tried to help me with this for sometime, but has thus far been unable. I don't know how to change my belief. I even tried for a while to just say I believed, but it didn't make it so. I have done everything possible to help my insiders feel supported and safe. I am so torn inside I don't want to live. My children are all grown except for my youngest 17. Otherwise I would give in and quit. It's taking everything in my to not quit anyway. I just don't know how to change my heart. It's tearing me apart.

I knew a man that only sexually abused his oldest daughter. So while uncommon it does happen. You got to realize that your insiders are not lying or deceiving you. They are there for a reason.

Well that is not uncommon. Actually it is something that happens. There can be a family of six children, and both parents (and rest of the children) only horrifyingly abuse one of them, and of course blame that children to be the cause of it, because otherwise everyone is happy. It's not uncommon to happen to the whole family, so why would it be uncommon to be true to just one member of it.

You have first hand experience how different a person can be sometimes compared to other times, because you are too. Why don't you understand your father is just like you are? And I don't say you are an abuser, but he can be as much not aware or in denial about what he did. And refuses to see that part of him as him, don't remember it, or maybe he just is good at lying. Most of the abuse is not done by pedophiles, but by incest in the hands of people who don't understand or care what their actions cause. And since everyone is believing him, including you, why on earth would he ever confess? It would destroy his life, so of course he chooses not to. He wants to save his butt or he wants to really badly see himself as a good person, and not as who he really is. But since he got away with doing what he did to you, why would it not be possible for him to also get away with other victims, and for the same reasons. Because he can be a nice person too and it totally screws up a little child's mind there are more than one truth. So the child splits to be able to see both truths because they have no choice.

Denial is what kept YOU safe, as a part. Of course it's scary to really let it go, because your inner belief probably is, you are gonna be in danger again if you do. So your mind puts up a fight and resists. In a way that is true, because when you do let it go, you'll realize all the feelings that seem to belong to someone else now, are actually yours as well. But that is just getting better. Truth hurts, and no one ever claimed it wouldn't. You have tons of proof about what he did, and no proof it wasn't happening. It's about you if you wanna heal and start to work with that issue, of if you choose not to. Not believing is in a way much easier, but in practical life it means you are choosing your dad over yourself, and that is not OK. It's all part of the game he played with you, it's part of the condition you have. You know this all, and we can not heal for you, neither can your T.

You've done a great job with your inner parts, and now it's time to heal YOU. It hurts, like it hurt others to deal with their problems. It's your call whether you do it or say nah, don't wanna.

You are telling it can not be true to you, because of reasons mentioned in your post. Like non of that would matter. The problem is, that when you start to think whether it's true or not, you are starting to look at him (and of course he denies!!) and other peoples' experiences with him, but why would they matter, since they are not you, they don't have your experience, and this is only about you and your experience. The proof for it is not outside of you. So since now when you start to think about your relationship with your dad, you look inside, and let yourself see ALL what's in there. You matter, he knew how to be nice, but others matter too, and he knew how to be monster as well, and that is YOUR experience as a one whole person that you are, no matter how he is or has been to other outside people and no matter how big gap there is between his different sides (or in your mind).

You can take a paper and write every parts opinion about him on it, including yours. And what reads on that paper, is your system opinion on that matter, and that means it's your opinion as a whole person. You as a part matter just as much as other parts, everyone has a voice, and you need healing as much as other parts, no part is special. And when you do that paper, it's not voting. It's not about saying yes or no, and putting them into different boxes. There are no boxes, they all are part of the same thing, and belong one under another, all in one place. Separation is your problem, that is why you feel now you don't matter, but you do, as much as anyone else, and all it is true and part of one whole.

It's part of healing to learn to see outside your box and see the whole system. Instead of keeping others' opinions separate from yours and feeling you don't matter, because there's more them and just one you, you need to understand it's not a competition. System truth is the real truth, including good AND bad.

The fact you lost the good dad because he was bad too is your trauma you need to process. You are allowed to be sad about it and mourn it. It is part of healing to be sad about what can not be there. And after that, there is one more trauma being dealt with.

You can do it. You made it this far, and you're not gonna chicken out when things start to be about you too, not just about others.

Just wanted to add, I'm not a T, and I don't know your situation as a whole. Your T does, so if this is something your mind is working with now, bring it up in therapy. Your T will know the whole situation, and whether you are ready to process this now, or if it's something for later. If you're the main front of the system, it's important you do not collapse, and that is why you only do what you can atm.

I struggle too with the problem I have more empathy for my mom than I do for me. Now that it's not just me anymore, but us, I'm actively choosing to change it. To me it is clear that my mom loved me and still does, and she did and does wrong things because she was and is too weak and troubled. So both sides are true to me, but I have only lived for that part that tells she's weak and victim as well and it's my job to not add on it by having feelings on m own or boundaries. But there is another part, who doesn't see her as his mom, and who is ready to show her some boundaries, and I've decided to let him do that and tell he's not doing any of it without my consent. And I just need to overcome the feelings of guilt it will cause to me. Those feelings are there because of trauma, and therefor something to deal with, not continue living by.

When I started therapy, I made that decision to face what comes, even when I don't want to. I will say I don't want to, but still keep on facing.

Your dad was good too, and you don't have let go of those memories, they made you who you are, and they are not just a lie. You just have to face what is now, and because of his bad sides, he is not safe to be around now that you know what is he also capable of. And that is something he chose to do, so it's not your decision to make to decide how he is like.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is really helpful to hear from others who have a knowledgable experience with DID. I'm going to keep working on this, even though inside I am screaming for a solution. It's very encouraging knowing we're not alone!