Mo’ Knowledge Mo’ Problems (TW: ED)

Host here. I’ve kinda pooped in and out of this forum as I come in and out of awareness/acceptance/avoidance. I’m trying really hard right now, no matter how it looks to my others, but this can be hard for me to wrap my head around. I’m the one that’s completely in the dark. I don’t know why I have the problems I have. I don’t feel traumatized and so I don’t feel I have a right to ‘complain’ or to have any of these issues. I know of some things, but I just don’t care/it has no effect on me. My T tells me not to invalidate my other parts, because they have trauma even if I’m not fully connected to it.

In therapy yesterday, another was screaming in my ear. They had been screaming in my ear all day. There was a lot going on and I could hardly speak a clear sentence because so much talking was in my head. So my T asks me to write it down... and it just came out. I found out one of my parts has a problem with eating. I guess it never seemed like a problem to me because I don’t have a problem with eating. I have knowledge of problems around eating from a young age, and there have been bouts of problems throughout the years, but it just seems like there can’t possibly be another thing wrong with me... us.

All of the others have these issues that develop from trauma. Eating problems, BPD, phobias. And I’m here, in this body, and feel no connection, like I’ve never been traumatized. It’s hard to accept.

I appreciate the others. I don’t dislike them. In fact, the only time I feel alive is when they’re around. I’m so empty without them. But, it’s hard for me to validate them. It’s been hard for me to communicate. My T says I want everything to happen instantaneously and it’s true. I just don’t know what to do. I want everything to be better and I want to be able to communicate and have a functioning relationship with all of the others. It just feels like the more I learn, the more problems appear, the further away I come from the goal.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for and I’m sorry I wrote a novel (as always) Does anyone have any tips for someone new to their diagnosis? I was officially diagnosed 4 1/2 months ago. Maybe how to communicate better or how to structure things or how to set boundaries or give everyone time? I’m not sure what a functioning life looks like for me. I ‘function’ well now, but only on autopilot and only when I’m empty and numb.

It's always hard to validate what we can't see but in the case of DID its the only path to some level of freedom from it. We work through all of our issues one at a time in various different therapies with each part individually. We're now at a point of tackling the issue of DID which is the reverse way round from what we read is how therapy works. But we did that so when we are at that point of tackling the DID problem we would be able to tackle it head on. Now we're just worried going to therapy could mess us up because we function pretty well.

Thanks Sarandipity.

I definitely feel like if I wasn’t in therapy I would be completely fine. Now that I’m in therapy all of these new things keep coming up out of nowhere. It’s a strange experience when a problem I didn’t even know existed comes up, and then I can look back at all of these clues over the years and it makes so much sense. It feels strange having been in the dark in my life.

Getting “better” has kind of become part of my life goal. Like if I can say I’ve improved, if I could have at least one healthy close relationship, if I could improve in a lot of the things I need to, then I’ll feel like I can be proud and like I did something with myself. Like I overcame everything. I think that’s what currently keeps me in therapy.

I feel I am very early on in my journey. I am detached from everything that’s happened in my life and have no connection to any of the people I once knew. My family (the safe part) doesn’t feel like my family, I can’t remember anything about previously close friends. I feel like I’m starting from absolute ground zero. I have to even learn how to feel again.