Connecting

Just returned from T office. She met with trauma therapist for supervision yesterday. The first thing other T said to her was: "individuals with DID are highly intelligent." Our session started there and that was the kick off point. Then T reminded me ethically she has to remind me she is new to this and give us other options if we want them. Of course I told her to please be unethical because we just trusted her enough after all this time to "show ourselves." Staying with her I think really is our best bet, plus she is willing to go whichever direction we think will be the most helpful. I had a really hard time staying in this session today and was quite defensive which is not my norm - then again many things right now seem out of the norm.

There seems to be two basic ways things can go for therapy:

1.) She works with the individual parts as they are out and does healing work with each.

2.) Somehow she gets the main being fronting the body which is H to become co-conscious with each being and she is the only one that fronts in therapy.

Her other big question she said that would really help this would be knowing what our long term goals are. Unfortunately, for whatever reason the word "goal" triggers the heck out of us. Not being sure what everything will look like in the long run as right now just being in today is hard on any given day.

I feel pulled because I believe for her the most comfortable may be doing everything through H as the front person when we get there. A big part of me feels though that each being has a need to be heard and that is why they are here. Mostly I told her I just want to heal. T asked "what does that mean for me as everyone is different?" I didn't have an answer but to feel more like "normal" people.

If anyone would like to share how your therapist works with you and your Teams that may be helpful. I just want to be done figuring out this part so we can move on.

Well, basically option 1, but I don't think of it as "healing work," although I guess it is. My T welcomes whoever wants to be there and talk to him, and he is always keeps the whole "community" (his word) in mind.

So, he cares about every part (he said yesterday that he cares about "every bit" of me--the littles really liked that), and about all of us together. His big things are everyone respecting and taking care of each other, and parts being willing to try things that are a little uncomfortable if other parts really want to do them (this is coming up because many of us want to feel closer and more connected to the T, and to be more present there with him, but there's a protector who automatically prevents us from doing that--so the T was asking if that part would be willing to try it for just a few seconds at a time).

I'm not sure if was helpful, but it's a glimpse of how my T works with us.

I really relate to "the fear of loosing control over yourself" I experienced it recently. I felt like at least a part of me (the twins) were in control and recently I've felt like there's been a massive shift internally and I felt frightened that "control" was with the "overlord" who I have very little experience or knowledge of.

But maybe there wasn't control. I always think outside control is an illusion and "we can only control ourselves" not others and they can't control us. Which thinking about it comes from having very controlling parents which taught me that or instilled it in me like iron because I was so set on not being controlled but until I had therapy, not even as soon as leaving home because their control was still there in influences until I had therapy, I was "controlled" Feeling out of control over myself is scary, even if it's not specifically me as an alter but another part of myself, feeling someone is in control for the good of all is reassuring. At the moment I feel like there's a massive shift and the fear I had was over control of the system - have the twins lost control? Was my actual fear because I know I have very minimal control, I have some but not in an arranging things or making sure memory is shared.

Wishing you a great day too. Beth

Thanks for the response Gang it was actually very helpful. I love you have a compassionate T. I like the thought of welcoming whomever walks into the room or shows up. That seems more "normal" to me then trying to either keep everyone inside or calling someone out who may not want to. Plus I don't seem to have the ability to do either at this point nor know if I want to. I want to honor each of their processes too just don't know what that looks like yet.

Sarandipity wrote:I really relate to "the fear of loosing control over yourself" I experienced it recently. I felt like at least a part of me (the twins) were in control and recently I've felt like there's been a massive shift internally and I felt frightened that "control" was with the "overlord" who I have very little experience.

This really resonates with me. My fear of losing or feeling I am giving up control lately does boil down to "who I have very little experience". I didn't consider this was part of what was going on. Yet, looking from that lens is good for me as the fear of the unknown is the thing that makes this all so scary. Fear for me feels out of control - or atleast a definite part of me as I feel it in the body.

A little over two years ago we left the abusers - all of them after getting two black eyes from a woman we choose to call deceitful lady. Today is Mother's Day and there are parts that are really struggling. Have been switching alot today. I don't know how to help calm down the anxiety and fear. Part of me is shut down and feels really disconnected from everything going on inside/outside. Yet, then I hear about all the switching and time lost and I know it is all really hard. What coping skills do you all use when this is happening? I have tried just breathing, have tried to do some dialogue with the gatekeeper, have distracted myself, and now I am here. Thanks for sharing any experience you may have. H

As we read the last post it says two years ago but we made the break actually a year ago in June. I just want to add a few things we learned from the switches today as we think it's good to document them as this may become our journey thread so all our posts are together. Today is the day the seven year old twins were formed to support the team many years ago. Each of the Little Ones has a protector which is a dragon. I have been focused with T on what style we should use as there seems to be two directions she suggested. The gatekeeper (Tiger) is very much like "just let whatever happens happen and it will be healing. It is going to take time and there is no rush. For now just be open to and trust the process." I really hate all holidays big/small, I am getting flashes and bits and pieces of information that don't quite fill in any gaps. I am guessing from Little's or flooding. I am glad this forum is out here, because even though everyone's system is different it is nice to know there are others who struggle with this.

hbodhi wrote:Today we struggled. Lost about two and a half hours first thing this morning. Then was hit by awareness of it by asking my partner if she wanted breakfast and some coffee. I had already given her these things an hour earlier unbeknownst to me.

Not sure why but this time it really shook me up. Maybe, because for now my assignment is to "be a detective" so we can figure out how much time we lose. I know a goal is to not lose time eventually and be co conscious with whomever is out - that seems so far away.

Another hard part for me is I always thought I had much more control, because somehow some control equals safety. Right now everything feels so ungrounded, so scary, so big, and so jumbled. Plus I have a constant headache which is not helping.

Tomorrow is a new day and I see T which will be helpful. Plus she'll have more info for us to work with.

I hope the rest of you and your Teams are having a good day.

So I have a bullet journal and part of the section for each day (one part is chores to do that day so I don't forget or fail to get them done), is a list of time lost. I have a habit of looking at the clock or my phone a LOT, to note the time. Whenever I realize I've had a period of time I can't recall or account for, I make a note in the bullet journal and tally it up each day (keeping a running total for the week). This link is a photo of last week's pages (the right page has a blank space for keeping notes, often Pixie or someone will leave a note to tell me what they did or if something happened we should all be aware of... Also, if I have a physical black out (similar to narcolepsy, without a known cause), I note IT in that page, too.

Take a look here: https://imgur.com/gallery/kcfNrYu

Most days I lose 2-3 hours of time... this week (in that photo) I lost a total of 20h for the entire week, a little more than usual. BUT this is all that I am aware of and these times are estimations... Guessing from when I last recall seeing the time, what I recall after that moment, and then making a best guess at how long I CAN'T recall...


As for "safety in control". That's a very common HUMAN feeling. We all want a measure of control, it provides stability and security, and we crave and need that to a degree. That is part of why I watch the clock so much, too- it feels very grounding, to be aware of time, how much has passed, and be mindful of what I am doing and when. It also gives me a sense of how much I am NOT here for, when others are out- and while we have no control over that (that we can tell) as of yet, it is comforting to be able to have a better sense of when I was and wasn't here.

That goal, of feeling "in control" or at least not "lost and out of control" is hard to reach. I'm far far from it, too. Not losing as much time and being aware of it slow and hard, too. Pixie can talk internally to me most times, it's not constant still... and she helps let me know and keep my posted, but it's not perfect. We're working on it, too...
Honestly, the goal shouldn't be the point you let yourself feel success. Take every tiny bit of progress as a win. It isn't a "good" place, but it's a step away from where you were towards that goal- and THAT is worth celebrating and holding on to. That thinking, while hard to do, helps us a lot.

Zor wrote:As for "safety in control". That's a very common HUMAN feeling. We all want a measure of control, it provides stability and security, and we crave and need that to a degree. That is part of why I watch the clock so much, too- it feels very grounding, to be aware of time, how much has passed, and be mindful of what I am doing and when. It also gives me a sense of how much I am NOT here for, when others are out- and while we have no control over that (that we can tell) as of yet, it is comforting to be able to have a better sense of when I was and wasn't here.

Thank you Zor for sharing your bullet journal it is helpful to see how others track time or better yet tracking lost time.

We continue to struggle. At some moments everything seems totally manageable to some degree and then I feel myself sliding with acceptance of all of it. I wish we would have known that losing time, having voices speaking in my mind, and having large childhood gaps .... I would have seen as things that may need therapy years ago instead of at almost 50. I just thought the way we see the world, the way we handle feelings, and the way we lose time was what everyone in the world experiences. While in close relationship with the abuser for our whole life till last year we ended up very isolated in it and couldn't see a bigger picture as there was never room for one.

I got to a place where I am "good safe" in every area of my life right now. Yet, overwhelm with the enormity of a coping technique that saved our life. The more others that come into awareness the more anxiety is in the body. Maybe this is some sort of grief process that has to happen at the beginning of diagnosis so we'll be able to accept we are who we are and be able to embrace the brilliance of it all. I don't know. This is where we are at present.

Update of today: Last night we had a dream where we were with T, partner, and another supporter and met a Little One. A little later in the morning one of the other Little's came out with my partner and validated that that was an actual meeting of that Little. This was big for us.

Then in therapy today our T was reading us one of the Dear Little Ones books by Jade Miller and one of the Little's were out with her. She was recording the book as we listen to her for the Velveteen Rabbit and safe place to go to sleep at night as she calms us. Anyway, Tiger our guardian/protector said previously NO camera or videos would be allowed. This happened by accident and so he came out right afterwards and through talking has agreed with other inside protectors that we can record in T office only. Big step. Now that I have heard Little Alex it all seems so much "real" to me versus others telling me. Which makes everything more real and validated. My reaction was mixed, but even the vulnerable feeling was the good kind of vulnerable today.

Anyway, it was nice to feel progress and I wanted to share with others I think may understand. Thanks for helping me not feel so alone.

Struggling with T's homework idea. Doing art from grown up view of how hurt and love don't go together. I feel there are things I could say to help Alex (7 yr old Little) feel better, but want to make sure I believe them deep down (when I share) since we are building trust in our Team.

It is sad to me that I just don't seem to know how to separate or if I believe they are two separate things. Poor little Alex exact words I have from recording with T - "I don't want to love myself, cause I don't want to hurt myself." Then she went on to say, "we could just called it kind, okay?" Which I think is really smart for a hurt little girl.

Today I will tackle this assignment some and see what comes of it.

I hope everyone out there has a good day.