Disconnection from previous posts

I know this is kind of "normal" with a dissociative disorder. I feel no connection to the posts I recently wrote. Some people here have kindly replied and I want to respond but I feel no connection at all to anything I've written so I can't really reply.

I don't know "who" wrote them and I don't really even feel like I know "who" I am now. It's like I've gone in some kind of shut down unawareness mode pretty near to how I was before I knew I had alters where I'd say and do things but feel no connection to them and not remember writing or doing them or the feelings involved as I wrote them.

I had the big shock with my son recently so overall I'm in some kind of shock. It's like I'm really mildly dissociated at the moment constantly. Or sort of constantly because obviously I was thinking and feeling when I wrote the recent posts I wrote. But right now I feel generally long term disconnected. Kinda hazey and - it's like a shell shock, that's the best discription I can think of.

So sorry I'm not responding on my own posts very much.

I'm trying to work out what's going on. One post I wrote said they could easily connect to other alters. I don't know who that was but I tried it. It seems like they're all asleep or half asleep. The twins feel fully asleep and anyone else feels half asleep. I feel like I'm the half asleep version of everyone because if I focus on a particular alter I feel drowsy, like that alter is asleep or half asleep - they're asleep to different degrees. Is that possible?

I don't feel particularly like anyone. Last night I wanted to watch 3 different shows on TV at the same time so I ended up watching nothing and just reading random stuff on the Internet. I used to be incredibly indecisive, not realising why, now I know why so to save flicking back and forth because obviously last night I was in 3 minds I read the Internet. Its like I'm a hazey jumble.

I'm still functioning but I don't like how it feels. I don't feel "passively influenced" I feel like a hazey jumble, I don't know how else to express it.

When my son came and said he feels like he has different parts of himself and he agreed to go to therapy I was near to a complete nervous breakdown, I wanted to take myself to a hospital so I could work out what to do and how to get the energy. Him saying he'll go to therapy and him going are two completely different things. He had play therapy, saw a child psychologist when he was age 4-5. When he was around 14 he had some behavioral issues and I tried to get him to see someone but it turned into me and my other children going because he refused so eventually the psychologist said it was pointless us going because he was the one who needed to be there. I couldn't force him at that age, I ca force him at 18 either.

So my theory of what's happening with me is that I've gone into some kind of system overload or half shut down now because I'm going to need to be fully functioning system wise to get my son to therapy. Getting me to therapy is now a completely non-issue, I was avoiding it but I'd go tomorrow now if it meant my son would go but I need to be prepared that's its not going to be that simple.

When he said it the twins were running around internally like crazy finding anything information wise relating to any thing that would indicate my son having alters and what they were like. Then they pushed Mandy forward to talk to him and he opened up alot. The twins had found some info and Mandy was describing different character traits he had and asking him about it. He opened up. Since then I haven't discussed it with him. I have looked at web pages and where would be best to get a therapist etc but I haven't picked anything definite and I haven't spoken to him about anything related to a therapist or what he told me since.

I feel like the twins have gone back subconscious (they call is that) which is where they're never "awake" or fronting or saying anything internally to the point where usually they're pretty much forgotten about. In this state they run the system but no parts are particularly aware of separateness and everything flows with no internal awareness of switching and the twins pretty much micro manage every aspect of life. It becomes very peaceful in certain ways, internally because the twins get bored and tend to make up stories which upsets other parts and externally I feel motivated and I become very decisive. They decided to do this 12 years ago in therapy and we'd lived like it for about 11 years until we'd been with our current partner for about 18months and he upset individual alters, noticed I could be very different at different times and Rose, because he hurt her feelings, woke up the twins to get rid of him. They didn't get rid of him. At first they didn't trust him at all and were also very disoriented and kind of like they were in a waking dream, or delusional. After a month or so that wore off completely and then it was just their stories we had to put up with. But they talked to the bf, they get on reasonably well with him although he thinks he doesn't like them, they grew to trust him especially after they woke up "no-one" and he was really good with her. So I think they've gone back "subconscious" because dealing with getting a therapist and more importantly getting my son a therapist is going to take decisive actions, teamwork and motivation. We'd been ok being very separate as alters after the bf knew it didn't feel necessary to really really hide and we didn't feel threatened, we felt understood, so we were very much time sharing as individuals but now it feels like every one is mashed in kind of co-concious but not really because everyone is also half asleep. Which I guess is necessary because that's how we operate best when there's an agreed common goal. I think I'll be like this until the goal is achieved and my son has a well chosen acceptable therapist. That's probably why that really really connected alter was around the other day, whoever they are they pulled everyone in together. That's also probably more what the given name post was about because the given name is like an external flimsy cover that puts everyone under the same label. I can reach parts but I don't feel "really connected" to them I feel like they're there and half asleep. Before this shut down, which is also a pattern I've realised, two alters went and did something thrilling. Like a final fully awake taste of life before we go into this "ultimate function ability" mode. Because that's what this is: function is at its highest and individual alters experiencing things they personally enjoy is at its lowest. My emotions were running too high, naturally because I was upset and this mode of being also dampens that. It's basically like living a half life but outwardly it looks like a really "normal" functioning version of an "ok" middle ground reasonably happy human. That's what I think is happening so if it is then I possibly won't be around here for a while because I'll be busy being an outwardly "ok" person whilst looking for a DID specialist therapy that I would trust with my life and I don't think that's gonna be an easy find.

Relatable.
It also makes a lot of sense to me that your system is in some sort of survival-mode for now.
Feel free to take a break if that's what feels needed, but if you do think you could use the forum's support, it's okay to change your mind at any time.
I hope you can find a DID specialist soon.