Using my therapist's name

We have this too sometimes.

At first I thought it was kind of a protective thing for us - like no person is supposed to know her name, because when she's associated with us she might be in danger (of our abusers finding her).

But I noticed that we also don't even like to write her name in our private diary and wondered if there could be more to it.
Also recently one of our protectors got more active and told us "not to trust these people" (these people = medical staff, psychologists etc.).

And when I thought about that both of the above reasons are really not connected to the 'here-and-now'-reality but to the past where both would have been valid worries - I realised that it has to do with the core of our disorder: "attachment".

For us, over the past year three of us got attached to her and we try to trust her. Which lets our protective parts react from different angles. Some want to protect her cus she's a very good and skilled and kind therapist.
and some want to protect us from her cus they think she'll be the same as everyone else we met in that field before and that she'll hurt us and abandon us. so they don't want us to get attached to her.
In both cases they fear she will be taken from us - one way or another.

so not allowing her name to be spoken out loud or to be written down - for us - is one way to not aknowledge (?spelling?) her and our attachment to her...out of fear that she'll be gone soon and we'll have to forget about her.

so yeah. fear of abandonment. fear of attachment. those are our roots for that.

maybe it is completely different for you.

kat (12) with some help from others

ps. I don't understand two posts in this thread. it might just be my lack of language skills tho. but they upset me a little. so sorry if I post here just this one time and then go into hiding again.

I do think we have a basic mistrust of everyone to varying degrees over time, but we also have a very real fear of abandonment by therapists, as we've been "dumped" many times, particularly at "crises times." It's often been at our neediest times that our therapists would say they can no longer help us because we need "a higher level of care," and then they offer no assistance in locating that care. Our last therapist got promoted and because of increased administrative duties simply didn't have enough time for us. We were hurt and upset about that, too, even though it wasn't as personal. It took a long time to get used to our current therapist, and in many ways we do like and trust her, but there is still a lot of mistrust and fear of abandonment. Just two sessions ago, I was sure she was going to "dump" us because we were too needy or difficult. And now we're having to prepare for her to go out on maternity leave in June, at which time we'll have to go back to seeing our last therapist who still won't have the time to see us as often as we're used to seeing our current one. I don't like to think of us as a burden on her time, anyway.

I'm not sure how or if this ties into our fear of using her name, though. It could be the fear of someone inside. Like if we acknowledge that we are attached to her and admit that we trust her a little as a T, then we'll be asking too much of her and she'll dump us, because we're too needy and need a higher level of care. And right now we have the very real fear that she'll go out on maternity leave and decide not to come back. She says that won't happen, but there's that old trust/mistrust issue.

Thank you for your insight.

KK

P.S. It's not your lack of language skills